Would This Bother You? - Soldotna,AK

In similar situations, I use the following plan. I say something like "I am so lucky that you are such a considerate, thoughtful person who understands why I have to say absolutely no to this." It then puts the other person in an uncomfortable position to keep arguing. Good luck!!

Yeah...it would bother me. If someone tries to go ahead and make plans FOR you...or FOR you kids...a good response is...."we'll have to see...."

And what's really weird is why wouldn't she offer to take ALL of you -- assuming you want to go?

OMG that would get under my skin. I always wonder if these people are real or a myth lol. Me and her would get into a lot of fights

I totally agree with everything Molly said.

I wouldn't be rude about it...but you are a big girl, and you can do whatever you darn well please on Christmas..and celebrate when and where you want.

Additionally, since I read some of our older posts... I am 110% POSTIVE no 2 1/2 and 5 year old want to sit still in a church all dressed up listening to music or watching a play...Ridiculous suggestion by your MIl because it is obviously a "I need to show of my progeny...not grandma wants quality time with the kids" scenario.

You tell her that you really appreciate her kind offer, but that you and the kids want so spend a low key day on your own since you will already be missing dad. You have your own plans for the kids, and unfortunately do not think they are at the appropriate age to appreciate a Christmas program.

She's sounds like a pain, and you have to teach her how to treat you. In this certain situation you just need to be honest with her and let her know you are uncomfortable being on the roads and also uncomfortable for your children to be on the road as well. She sounds like a busy body. You are doing Christmas with her early for a reason, so you dont have to deal with the stress of it on Christmas. Be firm and don't let her manipulate you.

Yes, it would tick me off, she is in the wrong. She owes you an apology. Don't bother to have the kids ready or even open the door for her if you don't want your children out on the streets in bad weather. Tell her very sweetly "You do not dictate anything to me, especially not when it comes to the safety of my children. I am their parent, therefor I make all decisions were they are concerned, not you."

I feel your pain. It is very hard for me to assert myself with my MIL, who my daycare describes as a "bully and aggressive", so I know its not in my head. The best advice that I was given, and that I can share, is that you have to simply do what is best for you. That's not being mean; its just simply doing what your heart and head know is best. Otherwise you will be miserable, and your kids will know it. It is very hard for me too, b/c my hubbie doesn't exactly always have my back; I think it is a very challenging situation for him as well, to be in the middle of us. But for your situation, it doesn't matter if all or none of us mamas out there would be bothered by it; it bothers you, and that is what is important. Have faith, you'll get through this - it's a daily struggle for me too :-)

I didn't read the responses so this may have already been said....
1. your MIL should appreciate that you did invite her over to celebrate while your husband is home!
2. if she wants to see her Grandkids on Christmas day tell her she is more than welcome to come to THEIR house and visit them, but you will not be driving them around icy roads and that you want them to be able to spend the day at home!!!

Yes, that would bother me and that does bother me when my MIL does this. It bothers my hubby too so he'll stand up to her. If you don't want to do something or you don't want your children to go to this program, just say "No thank you..." and stand your ground. If she throws a fit, she'll get over it. You don't need to do anything you don't feel comfortable with no matter what comments are made. I had to learn this over the years. My MIL has mellowed out a lot, thankfully, but it took a very long time. Good luck to you!!

She needs to ask before assuming she can come get the kids. If you do not want them to go, tell her so. Other wise, maybe have your hubby talk to her about asking first. As for Christmas, it sounds like you guys found a good way to include hubby. Maybe if mil really wants to see kids on Christmas day you could invite her over for or pie on that day, but still do the real celebration early when hubby is home.

Yes, say no. Yoy are very quick to provide excues, but the point is it is your decision. If you want to sit at home on your butt and play the Wii with your kids on Christmas than that is your perogative. It is nice you are doing an early Christmas, and you can tell her that is the special day for the kids and you are just doing your own thing later on. Actually sounds nice to me. Let her know the kids will call her on Christmas. And when hubby is back in town, tell her you will come for a visit. I would jus tlook out and make sure she doesn't show up on your doorstep on Christmas Day - don't answer the doo :). Don't let her take the kids!! I hate other people driving my kids around - don't let her bully you about that. Good luck.

PS - And who the hell does she think she is to imply it woudl be okay for you to not spend all of Christmas with YOUR CHILDREN especially without your husband. Noooooo way should she take them. If I didn't say it strongly enough above, tell her to "Back off!"

My mum went on for YEARS how it is the *responsibility* of ADULTS WITHOUT YOUNG CHILDREN to make the trek to the parents of small children's house on xmas.

Then, of course, as soon as "baby's first xmas" rolled around, she wanted all of us over at her house.

Then she would grump because we'd be so "late" (<grinning> because of course, I caved for a few years)... to which I reminded her that Santa comes to our house still since we have a small child. One year I even caught her ON christmas giving the spiel about how the childless are supposed to get off the bums and go to the houses with children in them. To which I agreed wholeheartedly, a bit tongue it cheek, and it dawned on her what she had been doing.

It's taken her YEARS to get over not being "Mommy" and shift into "Nana".

Stand your ground. Since we changed traditions here (instead of trying to keep my families, and my husband's families) and have instituted our own... I CANNOT tell you how much more wonderful christmas has become. But it took chutzpah on both my husband's and my parts... and it took hurt feelings on our parents parts. Their babies had grown up... and that's hard for any parent. But after the first year... WE'RE happy, and surprisingly, so is my mum. (My inlaws aren't happy, but you can't make *everyone* happy. Their choice to be grumpy. Their son is grown. And they hate that. And refuse to change. Things have changed. That's just life.).

It would bother me also, You are their mother not her, if you don't feel comfortable with them not going then you need to tell her also you and your hubby need to sit down and set some boundries, if she is not willing to do what you have asked then she gets to loose the privilage of seeing her grandkids. You need to make these boundaries very clear and stand your ground on what you say if you don't like the way she just tells instead of asking then just tell her I know it is easier said than done, and then she chooses on how she reacts weather she gets over it or chooses to have a grudge but if she really cares then she will listen with an open mind and try to do better hope this helps

WHO is the parent here ? Don't let this beatch steamroll you like this. I know the type. Put your foot down, and say 'no, me and the children have other plans this year and will not be able to attend.' PERIOD. Do not let her 'debate't this with you or make you second guess yourself. There are enough pushy MIL's out there, and you know what's best. From your experiences of having those accidents, you are making the right choice of avoiding driving in icy bad conditions. What if you agreed, and then either you (or her driving away with your kids) has a fatal car crash ? Then what ? WHAT THEN ? You might get 'oh I am sorry you were right deary' But your kids are now dead. Forget it. If you cannot be firm with this woman, you will need to rehearse what you are going to say, say it, and hang up. Do not debate or wait for her to make you change your mind. Just do what you know is right in your heart (that goes with everything in life) don't get steamrolled by these types (there are plenty out there).....

Perhaps read a bit about narcissistic personalities . . .

No, you are not crazy - she's making you feel crazy - selfish people are good at doing that. Set some boundaries and stop worrying about what she thinks. I would guess that she doesn't give one second of consideration to your feelings.

JMO.

I am assuming you are a slope wife too!! :)

So, my husband is getting his first Christmas off this year, after working three. The Christmases he worked, we had Christmas with his family (Mom, one day, and father another because they are divorced.) while he was home. Santa also came to our house early, so we had our own Christmas countdown with the kids. It is sad she doesnt want to make the time her SON is home more special.

As for Christmas day, let her know if the roads are OK, (and you actually WANT to) you will go. Otherwise, it will be a quiet Christmas day spent at home with the kids. Let them feel welcome to stop by but if you dont want to go anywhere, DONT!

Hope you and your family have a great Christmas, since Santa will be visiting early!!

Hope it all goes OK, from one slope wife to another!

yes it would bother me - you don't just live in "a" place where the weather gets bad - you live in alaska! for pete's sake! AND you were in two car accidents not too long ago? no way are you being unreasonable. you may choose to get help for it or not, BUT anyone would be shaken up after that, and i'm sorry, even those of us who haven't been in accidents, are SMART not to want to drive in those conditions.

i just wonder why she's so surly about having christmas early for HER SON. doesn't she think it would be nice if he could see the kids open their presents? what a great mom. i don't have any advice, but you're not alone. sorry you have to deal with that...but you're not wrong. just from what you're saying, she sounds like a grouch. (when she told you about the program, you could have just said, "sure - it will depend on whether we have something going or not, but we'll see!" very nicely, and then you're leaving the ball in YOUR court, whether she wants to take it or not.)

Wow that is a rude comment. She sounds like a rude and demanding woman. Tell her no, this is the plan that you and your husband decided on.

Oh honey you are much nicer then me. I am sorry she is being so insensitive. I would be very upset of my mil treated me that way (mine is super passive aggressive) The kids may be her grandkids but they are your kids and that trumps grandma. I know its hard to say no but you gotta put your foot down and be firm. She sounds like the kind of person who only responds to that and is used to getting her way. If you dont feel safe driving in the snow and you will be driving your kids then you shouldn't be driving and you would think she would understand that. Does you husband back you? Can he talk to her?
Hang in there I hope she backs off

Sorry I may not be the best at giving advice on this, my husband and I stopped talking to my MIL because she would continunely insult me and actually ruined my baby shower because of something she did when she was trying to be hurtful to my husband. But I would explain that they are my children and I am only doing what is best for them and that if they want to be with them on christmas to come drive to our house because they are not going anywhere.

Yes, it would bother me. I used to be "scared" of the in-laws and after many years I decided that I would tell them like it is. In this case I would say I'm sorry I don't drive in bad weather and I don't expect my kids to be involved in bad weather due to a potential accident. I don't have a problem coming over but I do if the weather is bad. I would expect your husband to tell his parents that he will be in town and this is special for them to celebrate with you all while he is home. Your inlaws need to think about the kids and what could happen if the roads are bad and something happens. Would your inlaws pay all the expenses in case of an accident??? They need to get over it and let you be the parent.

No matter what kind of relationship you & your MIL have why is/was it ok for her to tell you that you should see somebody about "XYZ" feelings/situation? They are your feelings and should not be negated. Period. Would she say that to her son, daughter, a coworker, an acquaintance? That's just a horrible thing to say to anybody- especially in the midst of a "confrontation". Somebody recently asked me a question that floats in the back of my mind any time I am getting ready to say something that might not be so nice-- "Would you say/do it to a complete stranger?". If not, then why would you say/do it to your family?

On top of all else, why is it ok for her to assume that you would be willing to let your kids do something with which you personally are uncomfortable? You & DH decide where your kids go, when, & with whom. Period. Their safety & well being is the number one priority. If you are uncomfortable with it then that's that. No further discussion (or explanation) needed or warranted.

Of course this is easier said than done, & I myself have a MIL that would walk (run, rather) all over me if we lived anywhere close to her. As is, it took us almost a decade to set firm & clearly outlined boundaries about her role in our lives/marriage/child rearing responsibilities (it also helps that we now live 1300 miles apart). Please talk things out with DH & make sure you are both on the same page & then start setting some boundaries. Reinforcement does not have to have a negative impact on any of the relationships so long as you & DH are on the same page, are diligent in maintaining the boundaries, & are tactful in doing so. Good luck! :-)

Yes, this would bother me. You are going to need to be firm or she will continue to walk all over you. It would be nice if your husband could jump in here and help set some boundaries.
Tell her that you will not be visiting her on Christmas (unless the weather is exceptionally fair?) The kids will be staying with you for a quiet Christmas Day, you're sorry, but they won't be able to go with her this year (if that's what you ultimately want, of course.) They may be her grandchildren, but they're your children and you're the Decider. Try not to let it upset you, just continue to politely decline until she gets the message, including if she showed up on Christmas day to pick up the kids, though I hope she wouldn't be that audacious!

We rarely do Xmas on the actual day. My husband and my first Xmas after we moved in with each other we still both had to work. We rushed up in the morning, ran to my parents house in separate cars and had breakfast then ran over to his parents house and had lunch and then both drove to our separate workplaces for the closing shift (we were both in retail at the time). It was horrible! We didn't even get to enjoy it. As years went on we made changes. My BIL only gets Xmas day off. So we did my family Xmas Eve and his family on Xmas day. Now my brother, SIL and niece will often go out of town to see her family to do the holidays with her family. We don't do anything with my family until some time in January now. My in-laws moved out of state. They now come to visit during the summer and mail holiday presents. The date on the calendar is far less important to us now then spending the time with family.
Your mother-in-law is out of line. We don't get snow here but we get some good rain storms and we go out of our way to not drive in them because of the increase in accidents and bad road conditions. If I lived somewhere it snowed I'd be a shut in the whole winter. No way I'd want to drive in it unless I had no other choice.

Your husband should stand up for you.

She's bullying you. They're your kids - yours and your husbands. She can say what she would like - but she really ought to be ASKING.

I would simply tell her if the weather is good on Christmas and the roads are clear then you will pay her a visit. Which you should. You should make the effort to get the kids and their grandparents together for Christmas if you can-regardless of the presence of your husband. But if the roads are bad I agree that you shouldn't drive if you are afraid. And I wouldn't let them drive the kids either.

I am wondering what your plans are with your own family. Could that have anything to do with not wanting to drive to your inlaws because the weather is going to be 'bad' even though it is 20 days away?

Yes, that would bother me. Just tell her very firmly that you and your kids are staying home this Christmas no ifs ands or buts. I think you're just going to have to be very direct with her and not beat around the bush. People like this won't take hints, so just say outright what you want. It's hard, but in the long run she'll learn to respect your decisions and even you!

i know you've already told updated your "how did it go" but could you offer her to take you AND the kids to the christmas program..

and what the other posts said, i totally agree with

I completely understand where you are coming from. About 8 years ago I was in a scary car accident in the snow. I totaled my brand new (less than 3 months old) car and the people that hit me were really badly hurt. Luckily I was in the car alone, I just dropped off my son at school because he missed the bus. At any rate I HATE driving in the snow and I NEVER take my two most precious gifts (my 5 year old and 2 year old) out when it's snowing. There is NOTHING in the world worth going to see, going to get, or going to period that I would risk losing them over.

IMO, You have already done what a mommy should do, you've invited them over to share your special time with hubby and the kids. That's what the Christmas season is about, being with those you love. If it's not snowing and there is no risk involved by all means go to Grandma and Grandpa's house on Christmas day and enjoy it, however, if it is snowing and icy then keep your family safe and cozy at home. Imagine how it would be if you took the risk and then your kids weren't around for the next holiday because something tragic happened. You don't have ANY kind of problem!! You are protecting your kids. If she offered to pick you AND the kids up for the Christmas program and you want to go then by all means go with her. If the weather is bad and you don't want them to be out driving with anyone in it then tell her so! Do it politely as possible but hold your ground. Remind her that safety is most important to you and tell her you simply don't think it's worth one night of Christmas activities to take the risk that you might have to spend every Christmas thereafter without your children if something did happen.

Best of luck! Be loving and polite but stand firm!!

Just becuase people get older does not mean they get mature or less self centered. Some people have never learned to care more about others than themselves. And it hapens with moms all the time becuase they get to run the family and make the plans. When their kids grow up and make their own plans these ladies, now MILs suddenly have to deal with plans that are not made for their convenience. I've learned that age seems to concentrate our personalities - so if we were caring and sweet as a young person we'll be more caring and sweet as we age.

Your MIL is obviously self-centered. Don't take it personally - you are the thing she has to go through to get what she wants - her grandkids! So she's doing what she's always done - made plans that are based on her wants & desires regardless of what's best for others, namely you and your kids.

For Pete's sake - you've had two serious car accidents and you don't want to get stuck in a snowy situation with small children. Sounds like you're being responsible. If she really wants to see the grandkids on Christmas ask her to come to your house. Throw a ham or roast beef & some baked potatoes in the oven - and make some peas & carrots or another easy veggie. It would be kind of nice to have someone over on Christmas - it will be nice for the kids to have a festive day too. And if you really don't want to socialize with her put the TV on - all the classic Christmas shows are on and you can all enjoy Clarence getting his wings, or Ralphie getting his eye shot out, etc.

When my husand was a rookie cop and had to work Christmas eve I still hosted his family at our house - it was my husband's childhood tradition to spend Christmas Eve with his grandparents and family and he wanted his kids to enjoy the same traditions. So although my childhood tradition was Christmas Day with family I honored his family and made a special time for my kids too. Now that my FIL is gone (this is our 2nd Christmas since he passed away) and my MIL is in a nursing home my husband and kids have these sweet memories and I'm so glad I had those Christmas Eve gatherings even though I wasn't thrilled about it at the time.

Try to be the more gracious person while still maintaining your boundaries - don't let her bully you and don't let her take your kids during this special season when moms and kids should be together.. Tell her you're going to be baking cookies together that day - or something like that.

It will be a good thing in the long run for you and your family to let your kids see you work around this selfish grandma. Kids learn by watching us - way more than hearing our advice. One day I'll be a MIL - and I pray I've learned how to be a good one by example of what NOT to do as much as what to do. ;o)

Good Luck Mama!

Don't let anyone talk you into doing something you feel is unsafe. It is very stressful for some to drive in bad weather conditions and the stress quadruples when you have children with you. I would hold firm to your decision and tell her you are spending a relaxing, warm, safe Christmas at HOME. If you do push yourself, and something does happen, that would be a terrible thing. If she doesn't like it TS!
You could throw in that you'll consider making it over for a Christmas when your hubby is home. Be careful with this one though, chances are she won't hear the word "consider" and will change it to, "You told me you'd come if......" Yeah, scratch that due to selective memory issues. Just stick to your guns.

I'll add my agreement to the overwhelmingly supportive responses... YES that should bother your and rightfully so. Follow some of the great advice below. Hold firm. Talk to your husband about it - where is he coming from on this? I sure hope he is on your side. Together you need to send a simple and direct message about your expectations in your relationship with them - you love them, you want them to be part of your kids' life, however, you need for them to understand that what works for you is X,Y,Z, not A, B, C.... If they don't seem to understand your point of view and respect your wishes, then you will likely need to distance yourself to keep your sanity and do what is right for your kids. (i.e., I sure hope the kids don't overhear how she speaks to you, etc).
Good luck and don't let her bog you down!

Tell your husband to talk to her and his father. Set your limits and stick to them! He is her son and he should be the go between in this instance. And I would stick to what you feel is safe for you and your kids. And don't ride in her car if she comes to get you.