Am I the Strange One? Holidays with Extended Family....

I agree with you, and this is what we do, too. Why in the hell is everybody so bent on spending that ONE day with family - just because it's December 26th, doesn't mean it's any less special.

I LOVE the holidays as well but to me they are all about family. and I don't consider my mom, dad, siblings, grandparents , cousins , etc " extended family" They are family, period.
The more the merrier.
I like the hustle and bustle and organized chaos.

My holidays are EXACTLY the same way!

I love the holidays and have basically made it clear...the day of is for immediate family.

Except for Thanksgiving. That's my favorite holiday and I just love cooking for everyone. I can't wait!

I think it's more fun for the kids to see aunts uncles cousins and especially gramma and papa then sitting around at home with me.
I treasure going to my ex-in laws. I have time set aside for my family and time for the extended family. There is so much joy and laughter when we all get together. If we go there on CHristmas Eve, we stayhome on Christmas and vice versa. I don't see that eating into my time with the kids. It's giving the kids more. More love. More family. More More More for my kids and a nice cocktail or two for mommy.

T., you are one of many, and yes, most of us have or do feel that way. It's a trade-off when work or school prevents families from having their cake and eat it too - enjoying the holidays at home and visiting family separately.

When I was little, we went to visit my mom's mother and aunt, which included driving and visiting and then driving again. One year I remember getting home late that night and it was snowing. I said to my mom "We missed snow on Christmas Day." And my mom decided then and there, no more leaving our home on Christmas Day. We visited the day after Christmas from then on.

T., I have to ask you, what is the WORST thing that would happen if you chose a different day other than the specific holiday to go visit family? You say that you think have offended family. So what's the worst that would happen? They wouldn't speak to you all anymore? They wouldn't want to see the kids anymore? If it's not as bad as all that, what does it matter? Sometimes we have to train family like we train kids - they don't get everything they want.

You might consider every OTHER year, spending the holiday at home. Or have Thanksgiving be the chaotic time at family one year, with Christmas at home, and the next year have Thanksgiving be at home, biting the bullet for Christmas that year. If the family doesn't like it, too bad.

They are only little for a time, T.. And one day they will want to go to talk on the phone to their friends after they open their gifts, instead of being with you. Perhaps THAT'S when you'd rather be taking them to family, because they'll interact with their cousins.

Good luck,
Dawn

I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. Personally, I don't mind going away or going from house to house but that's what I've always done, even as a kid. I can see how nice it would be to just be your immediate family on that day and celebrate with everyone else the next day. Don't let anyone coerce you into doing something different if this is the way you and your family like it. :)

I somewhat enjoy the fuss/stress of going from place to place. But that is my personality. I feel I spend plenty of time with my kids during the holi-day to ensure we all enjoy the day.

I think that you and your husband have to agree (which is sounds like you do) that you will spend the day together and it will be just your immediate family. There is nothing wrong with either way...

Those who have problems with it, don't want to open their minds to change. Everyone should get to enjoy the day...but sometimes you have to look at the other point of view too. Not just the individual sides.

I love being in my own home for Christmas too. For me, though, some of it is about just maintaining some consistency within all the excitement. For example, I love my folks, but trying to keep mealtimes on a schedule which works for my family is hard, because my folks are retired and don't have the same needs. Then we're crawling all over each other in their little kitchen. Frankly, I'm also not fond of the Never-Ending-Gift-Opening, where each person (sometimes this could be 12 of us!) opens one gift at a time. Zzzzz...... It's like everyone needs a nap by the time the afternoon rolls around: Sugared-up breakfast, gift marathon, late lunch, cranky kids---no thanks!

The other piece of it is that my folks have pretty high expectations regarding what everyone "should" be doing during Christmas. Church on Christmas Eve is a must for my dad, but my family isn't Christian. Friction. My stepmom is a great person but really expects that everyone should be 'interacting' with each other, so crawling into a bedroom and napping (even when you are just home from the ER, I have learned personally) will get you a "what's your problem' lecture. And the TV is always going, usually with stuff that's totally inappropriate for a four year old. For those reasons and so much more, we enjoy our holidays with family better from afar, with a phone call in the afternoon.

So, no, you aren't the only one!

We stay home and make our own memories. It's the only true place where kids can be kids and make messes and play with their toys in their pj's. We celebrate with others at various times. Christmas Day is a home day for us.

T.- I don't see anything wrong with you feeling that way. I am just totally opposite of you! I love to see my family, don't mind driving out to see them all. I love the joking and camaraderie with all my brothers and parents. To me...it's a good time!
L.

I am soo with you on this! Before kids I didn't really mind going to relatives for holidays but now that I have a family of my own, im excited just to spend the day relaxing and spending some quality time. It can be really stressful rushing around, getting everyone ready and out of the house is tough enough! Just explain to that to your inlaws so that they don't feel like you just don't want to see them. Its not about them, its about enjoying the day!

We did "that" (the chaotic running) a few years, and then my brain turned on.

"What???? Why are the two families with kids running around like lunatics hauling overstimulated, exhausted, cranky chilluns... while those with GROWN children just sit back and relax and wait for US to come to THEM???"

And THAT officially stopped.

We did things a little different though.... we moved christmas a day early.

((We have too many bdays on Dec 25th in my family))

So our xmas eve is the 23rd, and our xmas is the 24th. Then we go to ONE house on the 25th, and anyone who wants to see us can come THERE. That way we get our lovely relaxed christams, and then head over for holiday and birthday fun in ONE location. No trying to "get through" our presents and then start the relay race. We shalt not schlep.

Our holiday is usually the same each year... we have my in-laws over for breakfast (just rolls, muffins & stuff I can make the night before or quickly in the morning w/ coffee & juice) and open our gifts to everyone & Santas with the kids. Then around 2 in the afternoon we head to the in-laws (about 20 min away) to open their gifts to us & the kids and have dinner w/ them & hubby's brother who lives out of state.

My family (mom & step-dad) have a get together closer to New Years w/ the grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings and all the kids. And my dad comes in to visit when he can - we just open our door when him & my baby sister are able to make in. Sometimes it's Christmas morning and other times its the weekend before or after... work kinda makes his plans for him.

Usually, I do Thanksgiving dinner... it is easier for me to handle that one, eventhough I make a HUGE dinner & my father-in-law likes my turkey better. But this year my mother-in-law offered to do it since I am due the week before Thanksgiving & I'm not sure that I can get everything in line for dinner while nursing a 1 maybe 2 week old... they seem to always be hungry at that age & tend to the other 4 kids. But I will still be buying everything & helping to cook at her house.

Yes, holidays do get very overwhelming... find a way to enjoy them & hope that everyone else understands.

I still to this day like to have my holiday day with just my self and my husband.
We only go visiting or have people over if it's what we WANT to do, otherwise it's no fun.
We always did our visiting before or soon after the actual holiday, very rarely on that day.

We spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning at home, but then we drive 2 1/2 hours to my moms. So glad it is close. I think you should spend the holidays as you wish, but you not only have to please yourself, but your husband and children, too. I'm sure you all could come up with a compromise so that everyone is happy. Maybe go to family's house the day after Christmas or go every other year. Last year, we packed up and drove to Florida to spend Christmas with my husband's family. It was a lot of work packing, driving, staying in a condo instead of being in our home, figuring out how to get all the toys home, etc, but I wouldn't change a thing because we will always have the memory of that Christmas with my in laws. We won't be doing that very often, but every few years will satisfy everyone. Good luck and happy holidays!

I feel the same stress and the stress got worse since we started having kids. At home I really don't mind if the table starts eating while I'm still getting my plate on the table, but my MIL insists that everyone start together. I have to serve three plates and my kids still don't have full table manners; it's also confusing to them that Grandma starts off so formal and by the end of the meal is making silly faces or playing with them at the table. I can go on. but won't it's enough to say you are not alone, hope this year's holidays will be great for you and your family.

I am so with you on this one! We moved by my in laws 6 years ago. It was still a 3 hour drive and she insisted we drove it on Xmas day, good weather or bad. We would have to get up, the kids barely got to look at their presents, get in the car and go. We would get there open presents, eat and be back in the car to go home. It was so stupid. I was always fine with the weekend before, after, etc. I wanted to make my own family traditions. One year I prayed hard for bad weather so we wouldnt have to go. It snowed so hard there was no way we could go. It was the best Xmas ever. We stayed in jammies all day. The kids loved it. We moved this summer and I am so happy I can finally have Xmas day to ourselves. My mil told us last week they were coming out for Xmas. I was so mad. It sounds like they are coming the day after. I am ok with that. If something changes though and they decide to come out Xmas day I will put my foot down, or leave.
I hope you can enjoy your holidays!

I like to be home on Christmas day. I refuse to be at my in-laws house for Christmas day. They live a good 3 hour drive away and the only children on that side of the family are ours. It may sound selfish to some, but they see each other all the time and can get together anytime for any holiday. It doesn't matter to them when we celebrate Christmas. It matters to my kids though. It's still the magic of waking up and running to the tree to see what Santa brought, and staying in Pjs all day playing with toys. There's no way that I'm going to take them away from that to sit in a car for 3 hours and visit the whole day.

I'm with you... I feel like Christmas is for kids and family and home not running around being stressed out. Good for you for creating good holiday memories for you and your kids to remember!

I think you're my long lost twin. I can't stand being stressed out about traveling and cooking and cleaning for Christmas. It puts me in a bad mood, and then when I'm not happy, nobody is happy. ha ha. We're coming to the conclusion that this year will probably be the last year we travel for Christmas. It's just too much and so overwhelming for me and the kids, and I end up feeling left out, and resentful. Not good feelings to have this time of year. Do what works best for YOU and explain it to your families, and hopefully they will understand. Good luck and enjoy the holidays!

I like both, a day at home with my kids just to relax and a day with family( extended family that is) I enjoy the preparation, I do not see it as stressful...agree on a day to celebrate, it does not have to be ON Christmas day....our family usually does the extended family get together on Christmas eve, that way Christmas morning and day are leisurely and no rushing = )

When our son was 2 we decided enough with being on the road, going house to house, the stress (basically what you said). We proclaimed that we will get together with family on xmas eve.....have a big dinner, do gifts, go to church...then on xmas....we are in "lock down" no one comes over, no one leaves our house....we opened presents, made a delicious dinner (when we wanted) and best of all stayed in our pjs all day, watched movies, napped and relaxed.

Well we got grief from the family....so now we go away and rent a house for 4 weeks over the holiday and we do what I just said above only in the tropics.

I am with you!!!!! I wish I could convince my husband that we should just take the morning and early afternoon just for us and then go over to his parents at a time convienent for US, not a time his mom sets aside, which is always 2 to 4 hours before anyone else actually gets there or the food is ready. I would like to go over, eat and then spend the rest of the evening relaxing and then watch the kids open a few gifts. Now that we have 3 maybe he'll wake up and realize that it isnt a huge deal if we dont go over at noon.

We stay at home in pj's on Christmas, no running around here, but I do invite whomever wants to join us to let me know, keep on their pj's and bring a crockpot or dish to pass. I make what I was making and that is it. I don't pretend to be a big entertainer on Christmas Day, come if you want but it will be Pj's, Movies, board games, Christmas dance off on a wood floor in footie pj's(socks will substitute) and just a relaxing day at home ended with some hot chocolate and cookies (any that santa left behind). I will not set an eating time as my 6 crockpots have all something yummy and each of the kids choices for their meal that day, everyone eats as they please off of paper plates(my holiday too, so little clean up), if they show, they show, if they don't they don't I don't take any insult in it. Have your holiday as you are not here to impress anyone, but to make memories for your kids.

Right there with you. Growing up, I had to leave at noon on Christmas to go with my mom for a whole week so we opened presents on Christmas Ever. My mom and dad had been split since before I was born and I was not close to my mom. So when I got a long break from school, I couldn't spend it at "home" or with my new stuff but rather with my mom being bored. I hated it. I decided when I had my son, I was staying home Christmas Day. I still end up running around on Christmas Eve but I stay home on Christmas Day. This upsets my hubby's family because they think we should be there on CE and again on CD but it's our holiday too!

I'm not with you and here's why - when I'm older and my kids are grown, the idea of not seeing my children or grandchildren on Christmas day is depressing and miserable. Therefore, I would not put my parents, grandparents, or in-laws in the same situation that I don't want to be in one or two generations from now.

I see my kids every day. If I want to make memories with my kids, I have 364 other days of the year to do that. Christmas, to me, is about extended family. About multiple generations together, sharing a special meal and a special day (and going to church on Christmas eve). About aunts and uncles and cousins. Dress up clothes and nice shoes and haircuts. It is exhausting? Sure, but that's part of parenting.

I really don't get a lot of the whining about having to schlep kids places. A lot of us with small kids have older parents or grandparents for whom travel is difficult or we don't have the space to host the extended family or if we do have the space, don't have the time to pull together hosting a big dinner while trying to make a magical day for the kids. So really, throw the kids in the car, drive to see the relatives and enjoy the day. I'm sure there are many people out there who spend the holidays alone who would gladly change places with any of us who have to pack up the kids and go see family.

Now I'm not saying that extended travel makes sense for everyone, or that sometimes our extended families and in-laws can't be crazy, or that there aren't circumstances that warrant shutting out the family and hunkering down at home, but in general, when we're talking about just going an hour or two away on the same day...why not? Not everything needs to be about our own nuclear families and I think it's kind of selfish to think that way.

I did that. I spent the first several years of my child's life packing us up and driving an hour to spend the day with family. Then packing up to drive home with an over tired and cranky baby/toddler. My son and I had our celebration either the day before or the day after.

One year I just flat out told my family that I would see them after the holiday day - that I wanted to wake up in my home, with my son on the holiday morning and fix breakfast and enjoy the day with my son. Oh, lord, the first year they just didn't get it. By the second they stopped complaining, and now, 10+ years later, they plan for it and don't expect me until a day or two after the actual day.

The added benefit for my son and I, is that we where able to begin volunteering on holiday days as a family tradition. We pick either Thanksgiving or Christmas morning and go help pack meals for delivery to shut ins or serve meals somewhere. Then come home for our time.

Holidays are sooooo much nicer and relaxing since I placed the moratorium on travel during the day. And you, know, not once in the past 10 years or so, has my family ever driven to me on the holiday. LOL

Have a wonderful, relaxing, holiday season!

We have all of our families here in town.. it is a blessing and a curse.. It is hard to have an excuse to not run around and see everyone, but we have done it a few years. There were the years my MIL would insist it was her year for Christmas eve.. When in reality it was my moms year..

Having to get out of our PJ's to start loading the car.. then driving around from house to house.. Too much stress.. especially when we were both working.

We just tell them we will see them before or after and just stay home together.

When we do get together other than the actual day of a holiday, we just have chips and dips or pot luck.. it is so much calmer and feels like a real visit.

There was one year both of our families were out of town for the holiday and we got together Christmas Eve and Christmas day with neighbors and friends that did not have family in town.. That was a fun year..

Christmas is hard on my father and Stepmom anyway, that is the time of year her daughter died in a terrible accident, so we usually eat out and exchange our gifts. Very glamorous.. Nice restaurant, being served, good conversation.

I agree with Dawn, make every other year a extended family time and the other years, go before o r after the actual days.. Maybe even New Years.. to do your Christmas.. It will change your lives.

You do what works for you. My ILs have a tradition I love - they gather from Dec. 23 to NYE, whatever works. THAT is Christmas with that part of the family. It makes it so much less stressful to only be going to my aunt's house and know that the ILs will be perfectly happy to see us another day. My aunt has her current ILs, her late husband's ILs and her family. We each "get" one major holiday. Trying to go more than one place on Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter is just hard, especially with kids.

I read your follow up - power to you! My family parents live about 15 hours drive away but they travel to our hometown area for the holidays where all of our extended family lives - which is 3 to 4 hours from me. Husband's family lives 3 hours away and has extended family 4 hours away. It is NUTS trying to get to everyone's "tradition." We've done it for years now but I have decided this is the LAST YEAR.

My son is 1.5 and we have another on the way. Future Christmases will be at MY house with MY family. Christmas eve and Christmas morning, I want my own traditions and we will gladly travel in the days before or following Xmas.

I totally agree the stress is too much for the traveling around to several different gatherings all in a few days time. Especially with little ones missing naps and being drug around in the car!

If I had to go to ONE, maybe two gatherings (just with our parents/siblings) I would be fine with this. But seriously, our parents are still having their gatherings with THEIR parents, siblings, etc. plus want to hold on to their immediate family gathering and now we want our own. That's too much!

I refuse to go anywhere on Christmas. We do his family Christmas Eve. My family on boxing day. Christmas day is just for us. People are welcome to stop by, but take the house as it is. Which is probably toys strewn everywhere and me in my PJ's.

I make a stew, which is easy, because everything is cut up and put in the crockpot the night before. Make it even easier by cutting everything up a couple days before and putting it in baggies. Or buy the stew veggie package at gordon's and add meat.

After having kids, I got really possessive over Christmas. I want it to be simple and for me that means no traveling! I have invited folks up (we live in NY and the gparents are about 1.5 to 2 hrs away in NJ), but I also refuse to be on the run or doing really really big extended family type stuff.

As a compromis, we do Thanksgiving big. We have also hosted New Years Day but nothing too big recently.

Last year was the first time I bent the rules (I was preggers and did not feel like cooking and Hubby was working so I thought an overnight trip to my parents was going to be simplier) and we got hit with that HUGE snow storm that trapped everyone inside for like 2 days before we could even get on the road!! Servers me right for breaking the "rules".

I say stick to your guns and enjoy your family time together.
~C.

my sil refused to travel her kids on chirstmas 3 sets of granparents were invited to visit hte kids at christmas at the kids house.. I wouldnt want to say the grands cant enjoy christmas with the kids.. there is not reason that you cant celebrate the holidays several days.

This is the way we've done it for years!
A phone call the afternoon of the holiday is the way my mother and I like it.
We get to wear pajamas most of the day if we want to and sit back, relax, watch the traffic reports and rejoice that we're not in the middle of all that.
You'd have to pay me a ridiculously high amount of money (I'm talking millions of dollars) in order to get me to travel for any holiday.

pretty much. Forever we have gotten together with my dad's fam on christmas eve. We still do because it IS something to do then. My mom thankfully decided SHE wanted her own time with us but she does so a week or so before christmas. so that is nice. But on Christmas it was a nightmare. We would get up and do stuff with the girls, then scramble to get dressed and rush 45 mins to hubby's parents. We would chuck about 100 gifts at the girls there (mostly stuff I would throw away, but that is a post for another day) and go to Hubby's aunt's. We would be told to get there at 2pm for dinner at 3pm but THEIR kids could not be there until 5p due to their other families so we woujld not eat until 6! (would you at least tell me so I could give my kids something and they are not starving?!?) then sometimes my mom would want to see what my girls got. So a few years ago I told hubby we were NOT going to his parents house on Christmas. THEY could come to us if they wanted their "own" time because it is easier. So we do that. And if there is time my mom comes to see us at night (or in the morning if there is time). It is much nicer. I started that because I felt my kids stressed out and having breakdowns on what is supposed to be a fun day because they would be given gifts and have them taken away pretty much immediately.

I'm lucky in that in all the time we've been married my inlaws have lived 30min from us and my mom is way too far away to visit. She'll come home like every other Christmas. (home meaning here, where we live, as she moved across the country when I graduated HS). Every year my husband and I would either go to my inlaws or my family's house if my mom was here.

When we had kids though I said "no more!". Luckily hubby agreed. We want our kids to open presents and be able to play with them and not get rushed out of the house. So every year I host but on a rotating schedule. One year I'll host just inlaws (it's a small fam....even with the 4 of us it's 8 people max) and the next year I'll host inlaws plus my fam for a total of 15-18.

As much as I love seeing our WHOLE family and the craziness if it all (I grew up with big crazy holidays), I HATE the stress if it all. For all the same exact reasons. As soon as the kids finish opening gifts I gotta get my butt in the kitchen. Nevermind all the prep work the day before setting 2 tables and such. Then, after everyone leaves (my fam doesn't help a bit, thank goodness for my hubby and mom in law!) there's SO much cleaning to do. I'm torn. But because I loved my big holidays I'll continue hosting. I just make sure I fit in time to helP the girls take out toys from boxes they want to play with and sit with them for a bit. I never even get to open my gifts from the family til everything is done because while they're all opening I'm in the kitchen!

Ugh. I totally hear you!!!! Too bad we can't just to appetizers and skip the big meal! So much less stress would be involved.

Im with you, I hate driving around on xmas. and fortunately this year we don't have to :) im super excited..

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am exactly the same way. The first couple years of marriage we rushed through our mornings to run his parents then mine. Always on a time limit, dealing with the guilt from both sides of not being able to stay longer, or showing up late.....ugh. It was exhausting. Slowly I have "weaned" us off of the holiday chaos. Now I do christmas eve with one side an christmas with the other, and on OUR schedule. Thanksgiving I'm now doing at my house and anyone's welcome to come. If not, thats fine.
When you have your own kids you want to start your own family traditions! And it bugs me how our parents and in-laws don't understand that. When I was a kid, we never went anywhere especially for christmas.
Thats what I want for my kids too!

Before we moved to Florida my hubby and I decided that Christmas Day was for us and the kids (and my MIL). My family lived about an hour away and I couldn't stand having the kids open presents and then run out the door. It is much nicer to stay home and relax. This year we will be headed up north the day after Christmas to visit. We are driving so that my daughter can bring some toys.

I am 100% w/ ya', T.!
Unfortunately our families are not.
My parents live just down the street and my IL's about 10 minutes away.
Come noon my MIL is calling: "Where ARE you???". Come 6pm my mom is doing the same thing. AND I HATE IT.
It is so obnoxious, imo.
I just want to relax and enjoy the day. But it never happens. And then we come home to a mess w/ more mess in tow and are exhausted and grumpy.
One day!...one day, I'm gonna put my foot down too. ;)

Every nuclear family... has a right... to decide how to do the Holidays.
By themselves, or not.
Globetrotting, or not.
AND it is per their budget too.
Bottom line.

And, if relatives cannot understand that, then oh well.
Because, enough is enough. Especially if all that busyness, means you can't even enjoy your OWN children. As you said.

Boundaries.
Yes.
Or taking turns.
Or the other relatives, can travel to where you are.

You're doing the right thing! I was dragged to umpteen relative's homes all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as a child -and I have pretty fond memories (because I didn't have to do any of the work), but my parents always had big regrets about it once I was grown. They owned a seasonal business and were tired and busy enough that time of year, and then to pack everything and haul my grandmother to 6 different houses -they shouldn't have done it! We stay at our house now with the kids and it's decidedly low key. If I have friends with no family in town, I'll open our home to them, but that's it and it's a known fact that you can show up in pajamas or very casual or dressy for hors d'ouvres. Sometimes we fry a turkey or something late in the afternoon, but it's so nice to be at home and not rushing, and my kids will have Christmas memories of home -whereas I have none. Do what YOU and your family enjoy!

YES!!! We feel the same way!!

Pre-kids we always travelled back to NY where all the family is/was - we are the only ones out of both sides that left the area where we grew up. After my son was born we did this huge CHristmas trip back there (only grandchild) and it was just awful - like you said - running around, crazy busy, hurry up hurry up just to sit at someone's house and stare at the tv - I swore after that we wouldn't do it again. And we haven't - we've gone around the holidays (actually flew on Thanksgiving day last year and it was perfect) but we decided to go back this year - first time in 5 years. I'm excited but who knows - depending on how it goes it will probably be at least another 5 before we attempt it again. :-)

Stick to your guns and do what you can to enjoy the holiday...it's yours too...ya know?

Yes!
I wish I had the guts to do what you've decided to do.
For now, we continue.....the holiday shuffle.
But our parents/families are all in the same town, luckily.

You are my twin. I totally agree.

When my kids were little, everyone came to me. Worked out well. I had
no problem cooking etc. Everyone was happy and kids were lucky to have
there grandparents share in their excitedment.

I'm with ya. The MIL is the problem every year. She doesn't like any type of food with flavor. THen she thinks she should get xmas day with us every year. Even though its my familys year for xmas she plays the i thought we got this year. I have put my foot down. The MIL is just never happy with anything.

I'm with you, T.. Perhaps, like me, you are introverted; that is, being around other non-intimate people drains your emotional energy. (Extroverts gain energy from hanging out in herds.)

I gradually became the "host" home for big family gatherings over a decade of my middle years. Somehow this developed without people even asking me whether that would work for me – everyone would just start talking weeks in advance about the next gathering at my home. Which is tiny, by the way. People would bring potluck side dishes, but the main dishes were expensive and time-consuming, and housekeeping before and after were a nightmare.

But I used to be the world's biggest pushover, so I needed to learn how to say no, firmly (but not rudely). Here's the technique that I learned from a great teacher. Start by acknowledging what others wish or hope for, with as much understanding and empathy as you can muster, in a cheerful and kind tone of voice. Use the connecting word AND (instead of BUT), which does not dismiss their wishes, yet still puts your wishes on an equal footing. Then add a simple phrase, "That will not work for me." Then stop and listen again.

It's critically important NOT to explain why it won't work for you, or give excuses (almost always lame) as to why you can't do what they want. Both of those weaken the authority of your statement. Keep your voice relaxed and friendly, as if what you're saying is simply the most natural thing in the world. Otherwise, the hearer's reactions will be stronger and more argumentative. You may be surprised to learn that people won't argue or wheedle as much as you expect if you have been firm. And if they do, then repeat the steps as needed.

Practice in front of a mirror or with a friend until this feels more natural. You may need to start by telling your DH first that you will not host – it will not work for you. He probably already knows this on some level, but you've been bravely rising to the challenge until now, so he may expect you to keep doing so. He may be taken quite by surprise. AND, you have every right to start building the traditions that feel energetically sustainable and happy for you.

May this season be your happiest yet.

I think we need to be sensitive to the fact that our families want to spend time with the grandkids for the holidays because one day WE will be the grandparents/inlaws :)
We have reserved Christmas Day as immediate family day. When we lived near my parents and in-laws, Christmas Eve was alternated every year and whomever didn't get Christmas Eve got New Year's Day. They all seemed to be happy with that :)

I feel the exact same way. I also felt, kinda sometimes feel guilty about wanting the day of to be just my family unit but I love it that way...we get to gang in our pj's and relax by the fire and play and laugh together!

Ya know what else is great about doing it this way? I feel like it extends the holiday season...my kids get to have 2 Christmas's, 1 with the in-laws and 1 with just us. Love it!