Divorcing a Narcissist

My ex was a crazy narcissist who threatened, stalked, and intimidated. Whenever he involved the police, I would calmly and politely tell them that he wasn't taking his medication for his bipolar....it drove him mad and stopped the baloney. The best thing you can do is get court orders regarding custody, visitation, and child support. You can have your attorney specifically write in the court order exactly when the child is to be picked up and dropped off and even when he can have phone contact with you regarding the child. There are so many things you can have written in these orders so that you have minimal contact with him. It may seem like forever to rid yourself of him, but eventually he will move on if you do not cater to his drama.

The good news is that only have to deal with him until your child reaches 18 and that is only as much as your custody order dictates really. After that, you don't have to maintain contact. I am counting down...5 years until my youngest turns 18! I will reiterate the suggestion to meet in public and to also communicate only via email and then save them in case they are needed in the future. My ex is the master at twisting my words and always playing the victim. Don't play his game any more. Get counseling for yourself and for your child, if needed. Seriously...you will need counseling. Get a good lawyer!!! Make sure those closest to you know what is going on and what the current arrangments are as far as visitation, meeting w/the ex, etc. Divorce is a long, hard road. But, it was the best decision I ever made. I was married for 22 years, the last 10+ or so were a living hell. I wish I had gotten out sooner, but that's another story. Once a narcissist, always a narcissist...they won't change because they don't see the need to change because what is wrong is always someone else's fault.

Well, not so much a narcissist, but there are some good tips on divorcing one with borderline personality disorder (bpd) that may be of use (since there are many similarities with these personality types):

http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.php

This is a book you purchase, but on the site there are helpful forums and faqs as well.

I was married to an abusive alcoholic narcissist for 5 years. I left him the first time when our only child was 7 weeks old and reconciled with him after 3 months of separation when I was convinced that he had "found God". I think stayed another 19 miserably terrifying months because of our child, my guilt, cultural and social expectations. During this time, my ex promised me that he would financially ruin me and take my son away from me so I was scared and did not have the earning potential that would enable me to afford legal fees for a long battle in court. I finally had my breaking point when he came close to endangering my son's well-being. I was NOT financially ready to leave but within a week, I filed for divorce, packed up my son's things and left with a duffle bag for myself and never looked back. That was just over 2 years ago. I do not know how I got through these past 25 months but I have had lots of good friends, family, prayer and my son to give me the strength to put one foot in front of the other and build a better life. Kids realize at a very young age what is right and wrong. Parents who stay together for the kids' sake have to also realize that the mistakes that they make while together have a lasting impact on the children. It is a personal choice and no one can tell you what to do but if you feel that you have exhausted all options of counseling and/or any other type of help to save your marriage, you need to figure out a plan and stick with it. My ex has and continues to be controlling even now but I don't engage and I have moved on with my life. It is hard, I am not going to lie, but it is worth it when you finally find yourself happy and free again. I hope it all works out for you and your family.

J.

I really liked Nancy's suggestion of documentation and letting the lawyers handle it. My ex is a narcissist...We didn't have any children together, but just getting him to receive and sign the divorce papers was a lot of work. That's what county sherrifs are for, right?;)

I also had a client (when I nannied) whose husband was always threatening her with some legal mumbo-jumbo or another. They divorced about 6 months after I started working for them. On numerous times, he asked her for my phone number and social security number to 'verify' that she was paying me, etc. I finally told her to ignore him, and let him let his lawyer call me, if he was really legitimately going to investigate/sue her for childcare costs. I did have to go to court to testify on what a rotten dad he supposedly was. ugh. All this to say, don't make the husband drama your childcare provider or child's teacher's drama. Distance is good.

Also, I'd suggest meeting publicly for visitation/drop-offs, etc. until you get a feel for how he's going to handle himself. (this, is if he's volatile.) Keeping him away from where you live will make you feel better and keep your space yours. And don't forget to get some support for yourself, whether it's a regular night out with a good girlfriend or getting a counselor: divorce is hard enough already, having someone to support you during this time will help a lot.