I am really feeling like a failure as a mother. My sweet daughter becomes so distraught any time she is placed in a social situation. She just clings to me and cries. I can usually get her settled after a bit, and she seems to have fun, but it is a challenge.
She is only 16 months old and at this point she has attended Kindermusik which she enjoys, but it usually takes her a bit to get settled in for the class. I have experimented with bringing her early so she is the first one in the room with the teacher and that seems to help rather than entering a room full of other children. Although she still intently watches all the other children coming in and will get closer and closer to me as the number of classmates grows.
She does pretty well in the nursery at church all things considered, and we have play dates with friends, and she usually does pretty well at those too. She is cautious and quiet, but she does play without crying.
My question - Would involving her in a playgroup help with all of this? I have been a bit reluctant to join one after one experience a few months back. She seemed completely overwhelmed, and I started to opt for play dates with individual friends. I just wonder if that decision is negatively impacting her?
I went through this exact same thing when my older son was that age. We joined a playgroup and I had to force myself to go a few times, then he did great. Now he is almost 8 and so dang social! But I didnt have any friends with kids so the playgroup gave me and him a chance to meet friends. I think you are doing a great job, either way she will come around!
When my oldest daughter was that age, my pediatritian told me to let her know I was there for her. He explained that since there was no genetic concern for any type of anxiety disorder, and she did not present with any neurological issues, that it might be best to let them cling - and test the waters on their own. I am so thrilled that I followed his advice (not only is he a great ped. - but he's got 6 of his own kiddos)! Although, I still exposed her to groups - it was always Mommy and Me activities - so we did not need to have any separation issues. My daughter thrived - and is currently away at sleep away camp right now (o.k. - so now I'M the one that is crying!!!).
I guess the fact was - all children develop differently. Your concern and interest in helping your child is evidence enough that you are certainly no failure! Perhaps you might need to adjust some of your attempts to help your child...isn't that really a large chunk of the parenthood path? We need to constantly adjust to best meet our children's needs.
Your child is very fortunate that you have her best interest at heart!
I agree with the other posters...you're doing a great job! Especially with the part about worrying - isn't that what we do best sometimes- LOL!! A small playgroup would be a good idea. From your description, she really seems to do okay with them since she plays without crying. So, keep the groups small. And, remember, she may be in a phase or she may have a very cautious personality. Be careful about wanting her to be something else. She may never be the kind who jumps right in to a group - small or otherwise. Cherish her the way she is - give her opportunities to be more socially outgoing, but don't be disappointed in her or worried about her. We have a group that meets in the Keller/Grapevine/Southlake area. It's a working mom's group, so generall our playdates, both during the week and on weekends, are very small. If you're interested, check the group out at http://workingmoms.meetup.com/5/
Good luck! You're doing a great job - don't be so hard on yourself!!
My daughter was the same way all the way up to age 10. She was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, took meds for awhile, went to counselling and now she's fine.
She used to cling to me so hard she'd leave marks on my body. Up till age 5 she did that. Then she'd just follow me everywhere and wouldn't sleep over at age 7 like other girls and would go to parties if I'd stay (though sometimes I could leave her if she knew them well or if her sister was invited too). It was really hard.
Ask your doctor and see if there's any play therapy for social anxiety. Maybe if we'd known sooner we could've helped my daughter better.
I know exactly how you feel! My children are both terribly shy and I somewhat attribute it to t he fact that no one either than my husband, my mom or myself have ever watched them. I am terrified of leaving my children in other people's care. My oldest son finally started coming out of his shell when he started a MDO program. If you just join a playgroup and you are there while she is playing, you are going to find you will have the same problems. My oldest was in a Little Gym class, swim lessond, etc. and still clung to me after 18 months of it. After he started MDO, I noticed he started being much more social and trying to interact with other kids. I have always been a very social person, so it is hard for me to relate, but I guess it doesn't come naturally to all children. My youngest looks like he is going to be the same way adn we have #3 on the way - so it should be interesting! MDO is great for the kids socially and from an educational perspective, but also for mommy! It is very nice to have some time to run errands, etc. without the kids! Good luck!
Start your own play group. :o)
This way you can tayler it to your daughter and her needs right now. Don't ALWAYS have it at your home so you can "bow out" if it becomes too much for her (or you).
Start small and then you can grow as you feel it will benefit her. Just a few friends at first and only an hour to 1 1/2 until you know she can handle more time and/or people. Encourage her to be held by some of the other moms too (those that you know really well) so she is not only comforted by you (this helps her to branch out and feel that she can trust others).
She IS still young, so don't be too pushy or forceful with her, but it will surely help her to come out of her shell. Just be PATIENT. You are doing a GREAT job.
Blessings,
P. <><
First, your doing a fine job as a parent. Have you considered that she may only want to be with you and no one else? It's ok for her to just want to be a baby and cling to mommy. I think our society tries too hard to make children socialize with one another at a very young age. We rush them into daycares and preschools far too soon and that can be detrimental and sometimes traumatizing to children. My advice would be to just love her up for as long as she wants it and don't push her into socialization. If you want to see how she interacts with other children, simply take her to the park or to a play area of the mall. That's plenty of social time at this age.
I do think it would help, but only if it is the right playgroup. Find one with small playdates. I find that my son does best with 2-3 others around. You don't want to overwhelm her with too many kids at once. Also, some kids do best with playdates at their own homes, and others do better at other people's homes. You'll need to experiment with what suits her the best. As others have suggested, an MDO would also be a good thing to help her learn social skills.
You're not a failure as a mom - your baby has her own personality. I don't have this problem myself, but I know that some children are just very slow to acclimate in social situations. Plus my pediatrician told me that right around this age is a re-surgence of separation anxiety, so that could be adding to the stress for her (and you). I would ask your pediatrician if her behaviour is within the normal range, ask for some coping skills for the both of you to help her get used to social situations. Maybe check out a few playgroups to see if there is one that fits you and your daughter best. Good luck, and don't be so hard on yourself :)
Well, I have two year old twin boys that are even worse - I recently attended a family reunion and as soon as I wheeled them into the room they just started screaming hysterically. As the other post relayed, though, it's perfectly normal to have more separation anxiety at that age. Actually I read that it is a very healthy sign, because your daughter knows who her family & friends are and has begun to discern the differences in other people. I don't do playgroups since they have a twin to play with and it's just too hard (I have 2 sets of twins). However, I have enrolled the boys in Mother's Day Out and I really think that will help a great deal; it did with my other twins. I recall them being so clingy even at home at that age - I could hardly fix dinner or anything because I was nearly stumbling over them as they held on to my legs. I agree that it could be a problem if she does not grow out of it and you should watch it, but sounds completely normal to me. And you certainly are no failure! But I know that feeling; I have it all the time.
If she's enjoying the church nursury, I'm guessing that a playgroup would be about the same for her. Just continue to invite the same playdate friends over that you have in the past, and maybe invite a few more moms gradually to increase your numbers. I think she'll get more comfortable with it if you do it more regularly and ease her into it. Let me know if you need some help growing your playgroup. I started one in my area, and it's been so much fun for all of us, and a total blessing to me and my son. You are a wonderful mother!
