My youngest son is 2 1/2.
The last year and a half has been really difficult, but he's done really well through the divorce and all the commotion that has surrounded his dad. In a nutshell, his dad is off his rocker. He's emotionally abusive, often physically violent, and started hurting the kids, hence the divorce. There were police and CPS workers involved, prosecutors and attorneys coming out our ears.
My ds has been quite resilient. He used to cry and beg to not go to his dad's house, and it broke my heart every time to have to hand him over. That gradually faded, and now he sometimes even asks to go to dad's house.
Every Thursday, my kids spend the night at their dad's house. Last week, ds came back Friday morning and then we went to see a classroom presentation at his brother's school. Dad was there, too.
DS wouldn't let me put him down. He was wrapped around me the entire hour or so that we were there, and would NOT go to his dad. The demonstration was outside, and is next to the park we frequent. When he saw the playground, he asked to go play on it. He happily ran over to play alone while I stayed to watch the rest of the demonstration. That surprised me since he wouldn't let go of me before.
I figured he was just worried that since his dad was there, dad might take him home with him, and he'd just gotten back to me. I talked to him about it later that day, and unsurprisingly, but sadly, he volunteered that "Dad gets mad and yells at me."
The thing is that he hasn't stopped clinging to me ever since. At church on Sunday, he happily went to his nursery class, but when I picked him up afterward, I had to carry him and he kept his cheek smashed up next to mine, his arms wrapped around my neck. We had a CPS worker over to talk this morning, and he climbed all over me, hugging and kissing my like crazy, and trying to steal my attention away from our guest. When I got up to walk her to the door, he wouldn't let go of my pants and said he didn't want me to go to the door (he didn't think I was leaving, he just didn't want to stop touching me).
He has a bit of a cold, but he's had it for over a week, and it wasn't bothering him much before. I have the same cold, and it's super mild, just annoying because we have to blow our noses a few times a day.
This is so unlike him. Although he's always affectionate toward me, he's usually quite independent and I can't remember any one day that he's been so clingy, in his entire life, much less 4 days! It has me worried that something might be going on at his dad's house. But maybe I'm just being paranoid and blaming too much on my ex?
Does anyone have advice on how to talk to him about what's bothering him? Or do you think this is just some little developmental thing as he experiments with independence?
I'm worried as well that something is going on over there.
One way you could try to find out is to watch him play. If he doesn't have any, get him some "little people" or action figures or the like and then watch and listen to him play. You learn alot about a child and their environment by watching them play.
If you have insurance that will cover it, I would suggest some form of counseling to get to the root of his anxiety.
Prayers for your LO!
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D.C.
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I am worried about your son. Your ex has a history of hurting the kids, but he has unsupervised visits? My opinion is that you need professional help, perhaps a child psychologist. You need to find out if anything is going on at your ex's house, but you also don't want to put words in your child's mouth.
Could it be a developmental stage? I guess so, but in a questionable situation, I'd err on the side of protecting the child.
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M.P.
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My grandchildren at that age would be independent and then be clingy and fussy. I suggest that this could be normal. Even in intact families there are times when babies/toddlers/children refuse to go to one parent.
I also suggest that it's to be expected that your son would have some difficulty going back and forth. The fact that he's just now showing the stress of doing so doesn't mean that he'd made the adjustment and now something else is happening.
I also suggest that him saying that his father yelled at him does not necessarily mean that anything serious is going on. It's normal for a toddler to be anxious when yelled at especially if it's an infrequent occurrence.
He's only 2. I would stop talking to him about it. That is adding to the stress. You're aware that something is going on with your toddler. Now let it be and see how it plays out. Too much attention to it with him will cause him to believe something is wrong with his father when it's possible nothing is.
Continuing to talk about it will make him even more anxious and less able to go to his father. Since he's required to spend time with his father you want to be supportive of that until you have enough evidence to get court support for stopping the visits.
I would continue to cuddle him, to allow him to sit on your lap, that sort of thing. But I would also encourage him to get down and play as he did at the park. Accept his behavior without encouraging more of it by being overly sympathetic. Be empathic to his feelings but don't treat him as a victim. Be matter of fact. It's OK to cling but now it's time to play with your toys sort of attitude.
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J.L.
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I'm not sure if it's a developmental thing. I'm leaning towards no because it's quite a regression. I'd probably try to ride it out for now, giving him as much attention as possible. I'm not surprised to hear a short-tempered father yells at his toddler. It could even mean something happened while he was with dad, but didn't involve dad. See what happens as it gets close to being time for him to see dad again and go from there. Otherwise, I'd probably review during bathtime the good touch, bad touch speech; secrets vs surprises speech and stuff like that. If he's not improving I imagine your CPS worker would be a good person to involve.
