Worried About My Nieces

Hi A.,
Personally I would say something to her, very nicely and say exactly what you just said in your letter here that she may be teaching her kids not to deal with anger and frustration which is a big part of growing up healthy. Tell her you just wanted her to think about it, if you can find a book you like on kids and frustration that helps parents deal with things you could give that to her (wish I knew of a book but don't). Alot of times people are happy to have the input and someone willing to talk about raising their kids, others get very upset, be prepared for both. I think it is worth a try.
Good luck,
SarahMM

"it's just not acceptable to be angry"???

Ok. I think that I would try to understand were she's comeing from with that. Maybe it's the whole "life gives you lemons make lemonaid" thing?

I do agree that it could some how cause prombles for the kids as they grow up and that you can handle your angrer in a postive way.

My 10 yr old (tech.ly step daughter) is really shy about talking about her feelings and I feel that a big part is due to her "real" mom (it seems that she likes to handle things the same as your sister). So I got her a book that is published by American Girl, it's called The Feelings Book: the Care & Keeping or Your Emotions. There is a journal that you can get that goes with it that I'm thinking about picking up for her too.

Maybe you can get the book for your daughter and then tell your sister what a great book you found. Maybe she'll go look at and have a 2nd thought about how she's handling her kids' emotions.

When I have a Sensitive subject with a friend that I feel needs brought up, I do it in a sense I put the story back on me, like saying "you know I was going to get mad today as So and so got upset when I put her in time out, however you know I thought and realized I have to let her have feelings, it is so important for kids to express their emotions"...blah blah...if you flip it around, putting it as you are talking about yourself but getting a point across for them, sometimes that helps.???? Sometimes that can help your sister initiate her thoughts and will open up a discussion on the subject without it being personal against her...??? I actually did this as my friends little girl is soooooooo manipulative. I see it and she acts like she needs to talk about it and instead of being direct I used past experiences with my daugther to start the conversation on what to do with a head strong little girl, hee hee.

You know having them supress emotions will lead to a lot of undo and bad behavior down the road. I tell my kids DAILY, you can get mad it is how you act or what you do when you are mad that will make or break my mood, hee hee.

I tell my kids daily, you don't have to like the rules,don't have to like what I am telling you to do, HOWEVER you do need to do it and listen to me. Giving a child permission to be upset is the best gift. It is then about teaching them what to do with those feelings, they aren't to hit, throw a toy, back talk or anything because they are upset though.
I do tell my kids if they are going to pitch a fit to go into their rooms until they calm down as they are hurting my ears and upsetting the house with their fit.
If you are close enough with your sister I would talk to her. Don't be critical however just tell her that if she punishes a child for having feelings, then later on it could backfire on her. Kids are going to have feelings, a lot of them in the course of the day and no it isn't okay to have a tantrum or be disrespectful, but it has to be okay that they are upset and if she was more sympathetic to their feelings they will be more prone to open up to her when they are teens.
Even finding a book on the subject and giving it to her so she doesn't take it as a personal attack. It is a tender issue as you don't want to tick her off, but there is no reason you cannot tactfully deliver your opinion, just keep stating, this is my opinion....
My brother who is 48, single, no kids even pipes up sometimes after he has visited as to "helpful advice" on something he sees me doing that maybe I could do better. While before it was how he said it that made the difference if I got defensive I have learned sometimes it is good to see things from another prospective! Good for you looking out for your nieces.

I suggest getting your sister a book about anger and how its ok to be angry, its just not ok to act out in anger. I don't have a book in mind but I usually find some great books on amazon.com. I hope you get a chance to talk to her also. She has to know!

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Da...

This song teaches kids about feelings. There are lots of books to choose from. It would make a nice gift.

It's very hard to see our families making mistakes with their kids. Both of my sisters had kids before me and I could see some problems in their parenting styles, but wisely kept my mouth shut (nobody wants to hear parenting advice from somebody who doesn't have kids! :)
That said, she is definitely teaching her kids to bottle up their anger by telling them it's not acceptable. And that can create big problems down the road. The real issue here is not how she parents her kids, but that she feels that anger is unacceptable (even for her). Since she feels that way, she is just passing on her values to her kids -- and isn't that what we all hope to do for our own kids (give them our values and beliefs)? You might want to approach her out of concern for her, not just for her kids, that she needs to be able to express her emotions. If she won't talk to you about it, then when you can interact with your nieces make sure you let them know that they can talk to you and share their feelings with you. If they are old enough, send them the American Girl emotions book suggested by the previous poster for a birthday or holiday. They may have to bottle up anger at home, but it will come spilling out someday.

Personally, I would let it go. Let your sister raise her kids how she wants to. Maybe she does not want her kinds to be angry while guest are around. When no one is around she might let them be angry. You do not know what goes on while you are not there.

I know with me, I do not want my kids angry when people are around. It is embarrising. But once they leave, I will go talk to the child, and explain what they are feeling and why they are feeling that way.

If it still bugs you, when no one else is around and it is just you two, I would ask your sister why she does not want the kids to be angry. I would bring up stories about how when you both were younger you got so angry and you turned out fine.

talk to her about it

I understand your worry and I think you have a right to be worried. Getting angry is a natural emotion, but it does need to be handled in an appropriate way. I would do your best to let your sister know how you feel and suggest some self-help books if she is willing to take advice. It sounds like she was taught not to get angry. It is OK to get angry, but it isn't necessary to be violent.
Bedrooms should never be a place for punishment (Super Nanny tip). She should try putting them on the "naughty step" for however long they are old. So, if the are five, put them on the "naughty step" for five minutes and so on.
I think that she definitely needs help! It's a good thing that you are there for her.