3Yr Old Boy with Anger Issues

I highly recommend you read "To Train Up A Child." It's a short book, or their website is nogreaterjoy.org. He needs some cheerfullness from calm, patient M. in the form of a little sting on his hand or thigh.

I agree with most of the responses - it is ok to have the emotion, but it is not ok to express it in the manner he has been. Discipline the bad behavior and talk about the emotion after the fact. If he is getting mad a lot, take a hard look at what has him so on edge. It may be that he is getting older than you are allowing him to be. At 3, he should already have quite a good grasp on making his own decisions like what to wear, etc. He also should be allowed responsibilities like making his bed, cleaning his room, dressing/undressing himself, etc. These give him a sense of self respect/esteem and denying them can make him very frustrated.

I think it is great your son can tell you how he feels while showing restraint. That shows he is listening and has some control over his temper. Three's were the most challenging. Getting mad and frustrated is normal, throwing items will not be tolerated. Since he is not frustrated due to communication problems talk to him. "I'm sorry you are upset, but we do not throw things. You would be more upset if you broke your toy or hurt someone. If you need to be mad you can do that in your room." That allows him the freedom to be upset without an audience. He has control of the fit but not control of who it disturbs.

HOpe you find the answer you are looking for. You are not alone.

I was very depressed with my 3 year old behaviour. My daughter was so easy to correct and such a pleasant child and then SHE TURNED 3. At times, it was like a monster that I wasn't prepared for. It changed my view on being judgmental to others for we go to church and we do discipline. I called the James Dobson hotline, I had her prayed over and it got where we couldn't leave our house. James Dobson hotline told me to take her to a homeopathic doctor. I just knew she was bipolar. I found a health supplement doctor and it wasn't long until I saw her behaviour slowing back down to normal. Our house is peaceful again and most of all.......I have my sweet child back!! Dr. Lewis Cone . com

Hello S.,

Hang in there. It is good that he's expressing what he feels. now he needs guidance on what to do about it. make sure he is not consuming any high fructose corn syrup. whenever my son consumes foods w/ high fructose corn syrup he ends up having a very angry meltdown. and it depends on how much he consumes. if he gets one of those kid drinks w/ HFCS it will be acout 24 hours before meltdown. it gets ugly. It actually scares me that he could get so SO angry!

Another thing, have his neck checked by a chiropractor. if the first vertebrae is inverted or out of alingment, it will affect how he deals w/ anger too.

it could be that sugars in general affect him. it will be trial and error and lots of talking. looks like he's a pretty good talker. keep him talking and do not engage him when he is so angry. let him vent and perhaps you can ask him how you can help him. what would he like to be done differently. try and choose your words carefuly and don't take it personally and see if that will help him tell you how he is feeling and what is bothering him. tell him that it's ok to be upset but he is not to be disrespectful.

so, take a close look at his diet and see if there is a pattern to when he gets so angry. and I wish you patience... lots of patience. by the way, high fructose corn syrup is in almost everything! good luck! ~C.~

Sounds like a pretty normal 3 year old to me. I had a 3 year-old granddaughter who screamed all the time. (Told her mom as soon as she had something interesting to look forward to and the maturity to think beyond the next minute or two, she would stop it. Try to think about it from his perspective and go from there. Help him find ways to be happy by keeping him busy and looking forward to helping you and others. At least he's verbalizing his anger instead of biting you! One thing I did with my last child was whenever she acted like she couldn't control her emotions, I just suggested she must be tired and needed a nap. She hated going to sleep because she'd much rather be busy. So, when I suggested she must be tired, she acted like, "Oh, No, I'll doing whatever you want if I don't have to take a nap." You know your child the best, so find something like that, that motivates him and go from there.

I have read the other responses and have to disagree.. I think you have a problem on your hands that you need to address quickly. They are now sure a child's personality is set by three - having 2 of my own, I tend to agree. I think you have to do some research on the best ways to deal with this. My point of view is that he should be 'corrected/timed out/etc' for expressing his anger so agressively... if he is allowed to continue this behaviour he will learn that it is okay to do this when he is older and his testosterone is really flowing... and he will not be able to control it.

I would also listen and talk about it - later - not at the time it happened. Nothing like boring him on good behaviour and correct choices after the fact... he'll probably stop just because he doesn't want the talk... and in turn learning consequences, choices and behaviour from you :-)

how much do you work? is he and yoru daughter in daycare?

I think his anger seems like it is in the normal range and for him to tell you he would like to bite, but doesn't shows a lot of restraint. I think you should keep up the communication with him. Tell him how to handle his anger. As adults, we think children should just automatically know how to handle tough situations like controlling emotions, but they don't. They have to be taught over and over. Also, what is making him so angry? Are you expecting too much from a 3 year old? Is a younger brother or sister the source of anger? Is he sleeping enough? I would try to reduce the cause of the anger, if possible. Good luck!

It sounds like normal stuff to me, and I applaud him for SAYING he wants to bite you and NOT actually biting you!! I think there are 2 important things for you to do. #1, keep your reactions calm and unemotional. Never yell back, or show shock at his outbursts. Just acknowledge that he is angry and allow him to tell you about it. #2, teach him what to do when he feels angry. It is a natural, immature thing to throw a fit when you're 3. He needs instruction and modeling from you to learn the civilized, mature responses to his anger.

Hang in there! You guys will get through this and the stories about his behavior will become family folklore that you'll be able to giggle about later. (I think!)

Terrible twos has nothing on the threes!!! My son was much worse as a 3 yr old and required many time outs on a daily basis. He is 5 1/2 now and is much more in control of his feelings and emotions. Just be consistent with your discipline and understand that he is controlling his behavior he just doesn't understand his emotions yet. He'll grow out of this. Do not tolerate him acting out his aggressions to the point where they become dangerous though (throwing the time out chair). Find another punishment when he resorts to that behavior (i.e. take away a favorite toy or privilege for a few days) Good luck!

You might try helping him make a list of everything that's bothering him - writing it down vindicates it.  Then let him take ownership of it by him tearing it into tiny little pieces (himself) and throwing each one away - thereby giving him a way to vent.S.

Hi,

My son has had the same issue. I am a single parent of three and he is my youngest. I would put in in time out till he cooled off. I would make sure there was nothing was near him or anyone. Once he cooled off I would ask him what made him mad. And that he needs to use his words to tell me what was wrong. Also I would tell him his behavor was not being a big boy and unacceptable. He is now five years and we have less anger issues. He hopefully will grow out of it or learn to express it in a diffrent way.

We went through a similar stage with our son at 3.5 to 4 years old. He was getting in a lot of trouble for being non-social and aggressive at pre-school. We also had behavoir issues at home and when we tried to discipline, he would lash out at us. We went to a family counselor for a couple months, we had to do something to keep him from being expelled from pre-school. The counselor determined our son was not getting enough sleep, he needed 10-12 hours a night, and was only getting about 8-9. Also, we spanked when he really mis-behaved, and it no longer worked on his strong will. The counselor had us put him in his room, tell him he had to stay there until he was done being mad. This was hard the first few times, he literally tore his room apart, knocked over his small bookcase, and took apart the sheets, mattress and blankets from his bed. But he eventually did learn how to defuse his anger. He is 7 years old now, and his room is still a safe haven for him if we get in an arguement or he gets mad at us because we won't let him do something. He normally spends 5-10 minutes in there and then comes out in a much better mood.

Jen D.-Frisco

Hi S.,

Have you ever considered putting him in something like Martial Arts. Its helps start the discipline and respect that someone else is telling him that he has to have and not just you. We stat the kids out at our dojo at 3 in out little legends program. If you are interested, let me know. Our website is www.legendsmartialarts.com. I would give you a free week to try it out.

J. T.

Children have all the same emotions that we have...not more, not less. They have to be trained with how to respond to those emotions and they must, must be disciplined to respond correctly. This is for their sake and for all those around them. When my daughter whacks her sister with a doll she gets a discipline but then they also are required to
"practice" the right responses. Kids must be given a bank of appropriate responses to pull from and then when they get carried away you can remind them of their options. If you do not discipline the wrong behavior however, you will leave that wrong response as an option for your child. I also recommend "to Train up a Child" as it really helped me. My kids are not perfect but they are well behaved. It is good to allow a child to have all the same emotions as you but it is a very dangerous thing to allow them to respond to them in any fashion they choose. If your child gets angry while playing in the yard and wants to run away from you he could really hurt himself by running in the street (something my daughter did once. Only once since I disciplined her. Now she never enters the street without my hand.). Training your children is not just a thing that results in well-behaved children it is for their safety and the safety of others. The Bible says we are to "take our thoughts captive" and I view this as teaching my children to control themselves. Teach your child that the same as you would the abcs.

Sounds like any normal 3 year old, but.... the throwing things, just like the biting, is not acceptable. You will just have to do the same as you did when he was biting, only now he should understand a little better being a bit older. You need to explain to him that while being angry is ok, throwing things is not and work on some other ways to express that he is angry, sounds like he is pretty vocal, so tell him that he can tell you he's angry and that he needs to be by himself, but he needs to know that he can't throw things, down or across the room because someone, or he, could be hurt. He sounds like a very intellegent child and I'm sure he will understand what is expected.