Working Mom Guilt/missing Kids After Breaks I

My boys, both college students, will be going back to campus soon, after a nice long break. I'd like to say it gets easier as they get older, but....no.

You gotta stop with the guilt, though. It's no good for anything.

:(

This is the battle we all fight with ourselves. If we stay home with our children we feel that we aren't helping our family financially or using our skills and education. If we work we feel we are missing out on all the life experiences with our children.

The truth is that as parents we make choices every single day. Are we making the right choices all the time? Nope we're just doing the best we can juggling everything.

We will feel our forever heartstring tug after all the visits, time together and shared happy snuggy times. My just about thirty year old son left to go back to Colorado and I have a hunch I feel the same as you and so many mothers. And it goes on and on. And I have my other son, here, who is also way old: twenty four and he is still my baby who occasionally shares a snuggle with me and reminds me we are moms forever --no matter what the age-sending a HUG to all the moms who treasure these feelings

Your perspective is off. It's yours and you are entitled to it but it is off. Instead of focusing on what you are missing. Try consentrating on what you have. Why can't you schedule in some play time during your regular routine. Why can't bath time be not only about bathining but spending perhaps an extra 10-15 minutes of playing with the tub toys. Why not turn homework time into some kind of bonding adventure? When your son get married, a long way off I know, but it is likely his wife may have to work. Why not give him an image of a working woman that enjoys work and home life. His job is to go to school and yours is to go to work.

Sure they are little for only a little while and then they are not but as you say he is well adjusted so please pull yourself together. Give yourself some kindness. Perhaps looking for work that requires less hours of you but pays you better may be in order.

I was a single parent for a long time. I was my son's sole provider and as such I couldn't afford my hormonal momma missing her boy to come into play and derail the success we were having.

Your doing a great job. Time to start counting your blessings instead of lingering on the would of's, could haves and should haves of life. Be present because the present is the gift for today.

I empathize. I've been a working mom all along. Never had much issue with guilt, I found work easier and less challenging than mothering (20+ years working v. 4 years of mothering). Spent 2 weeks at home with DS for his winter school break and while I looked forward to going back to work, was a little wistful last night when our evening consisted of little more than pickup from grandmas, dinner, a bath a story and bed. I think since he's now four and less needy and more a fun buddy, I have come to miss him a bit when I am in the office.

Best,
F. B.

I was just telling my coworker I needed to come back to work to get a vacation. I have two, 4 and 8, and they literally about drove me out of my ever-loving mind during the 2 week break I had at home with them. I love them both to pieces, and they are amazing kids, but good lord they are trying when they are together that long. They got a little stir crazy with the break and the the aggravation and picking started. I finally sent my son off with friends so they could get a break from each other and I from their relentless bickering!
On the other hand, I know what you mean. Time does go by so fast, and I think being away from them does make me appreciate more the time I do have with them. I know I'm going to blink and they will be grown. I don't really feel guilt, but instead I'm grateful to have them healthy and happy. The holidays really brings out that joy and I am sad when it's over. But life gets back to normal for both them and me, and that's what makes the time we do have together so special.

I get it and looked at your last post and can relate to that too. Sometimes it is what it is. What's made me feel better is my daughters are now proud of my career and fine with me working. They're now 9 and 10. Granted, I don't work 10 hour days so am home quite early. But I'm able to look back and say they've had a great childhood regardless of me being home or not being home partly bc of a great nanny, me spending every nonworking moment with them, and having some money to do fun things. I've been looking at retiring and my kids really don't care. So long as they have a nanny they like, as I said, they like me working. I can't believe it. I've had massive guilt since day 1. And they remember none of it! So as long as you're really present when you are home (and I was crabby at times too) your son is fine. You say he's happy. It's more you that miss what could be and I do too at times. Could you talk to your employer about a bit more flexible time? I haven't had to miss anything at school really bc I can run over. So I've had a bit best of both worlds but I know kids whose mothers can't do it as often and they seem fine. They know they're loved. And people have it much worse. Just have to figure if you have to work, you have to. You're not the only one and it's been like that for centuries. I crack up at Downton Abbey when the kids are just paraded in sometimes to their actual parents. Rich kids were raised by nannies!! But do try to cut back at work a bit if possible. That really has been a huge help for me.

I get similar feelings after I have my summer vacation with my boys. We usually spend something like 17 days or so travelling to various family along the east coast and it is always a blast. We do so many fun things like visiting museums, aquariums, etc. I always think how much fun it would be if I was able to do things like that with them all the time.
For me, there is a reality check- sure, for two weeks we have a great time. But if I was with them all day, every day, then my kids would be my job as well as my life outside work. I like having the two separate. When I am off from work, I am almost always with the kids and I make an effort to focus on my family. I truly appreciate the time we spend together more because it is limited. I made deliberate career choices to be in a position where I can take a morning off occasionally to go read to my son's class or chaperone a field trip.
I miss my kids when I am at work, but the reality is that I am a better parent when I am not with them 24/7. I have more patience and I make more of an effort to make my time count than I would if I stayed home. That is just me :)

I'm sorry mama. Here might be some ideas that might help ease the
sadness:
-plan ahead for any of his special events, like requesting time off or
getting off early.
-use your lunch hour to do something nice for yourself on most days & once in awhile go get him a treat...it will make you feel better.
-do you work close to his school? If so, see if you take your lunch hour
to help in his classroom or on a special event day
-know that part of why you are able to appreciate those special moments is because you're working & those times are more valuable.
-don't be too hard on yourself, he's having fun at school & you're earning a living for the both of you to thrive. Giving him love, support & a loving
home will give him memories to cherish, too.
-know that as long as you're the one having the separation anxiety...that
is the good thing. Better you than him.
-plan extra special fun things on weekends
-make sure to build in some quiet, snuggle time each night after dinner-
time before bath/getting ready for bed
-keep a journal for him from you to him logging special things, thoughts,
tickets to a movie you see with him etc.
-make his birthday extra special
-make all holidays special for both of you (Valentine's, 4th of July, St.
Patrick's Day etc.
-Know that you are providing for him

i wish i had a magic bullet for you.
i worked like a galley slave when my boys were little, and it was so hard. my husband did too, so my boys spent a lot of time in daycare, and our schedules were crazy patchworks of who picks up and who fixes dinner and who gets 'em to the activities and who helps with homework and reads the bedtime stories.
you just soldier on, and do the best you can. you try and cut yourself some slack and recognize that you love your baby, you've got to work, and that while the guilt may be inevitable, wallowing in it is counter-productive and ultimately fruitless. and make the most of the time you've got.
that's all i've got, hon. all i can tell you is i know how you feel, and sympathize. but you're not 'missing out'- you just spent an awesome holiday with him, he's doing great, you're making it work, and you've just got the blues. {{{{}}}}}
khairete
S.

All I'm going to say is You Are a Great Mom.

We all have guilt about this and that, it's in our nature. Think of the wonderful memories you've given your son for a holiday season spent together!!

M

Just wanted to let you know I commiserate. It's so tough having to work when all you want to do is stay in bed and snuggle your little guy! I have a 5 year old too and mornings are brutal. He always comes into our bed in the middle of the night so I wake up with his body curled next to mine and it's so freaking hard to leave that bed!!

I just think of the great opportunities I can give him with the money I'm making. And make an effort to be 100% present when I am with him. That's all any of us can do.

I hear ya, Theresa~ I just sent my younger son off to college this morning, and my older one at the beginning of the week. Empty nest... :(

I just tried to give my brothers fiancé some advice on this topic recently. I always worked, but became a SAHM (due to lay off) when my daughter was 4 and my son 7. My son has had behavioral issues at school since kidnergarten, but it was exacerbated when his bio dad was incarcerated (a few months after I was laid off). Long story short were all in a better place now and I can see the benefit of me being home on them.
BUT, I miss working so much that I'm striking up conversations often with complete strangers. being a SAHM is very stressful. When working I was always winning awards (employee of the month etc) and being at home is not only thankless-but I feel as if I should make sure my kids get all extra support and help fom me.
Hope I didn't ramble too much, but being a working mom shows your kids more than merely your extra income. And absence makes the heart grow fonder.