Working Mom Feeling Very Guilty About How My Son Spends His Day and Need Help

Unfortunately with any management position no one will ever do as good a job as you, and each worker does things differently. Management requires more adjustment on the part of the manager than on the employee- good management anyway. My husband have had a few caretakers over the years and have noticed great care but also tremendous variation in each. One cleaned more than the one that got down on the ground and played, but all were productive in their own ways.

It sounds to me like this woman has a certain style. So long as your son is safe and seems happy, it would probably be better for you to adjust to it than to force her to adjust to a standard you may not be able to define, which means she'll never be able to meet it and the whole thing could go sour. Then you'll have to start w. someone else and who knows what you'll get.

I also know that managed employees need a lot of praise and validation, so be sure to provide that. You want your son's caretaker to feel appreciated.

Finally, I don't think a child is going to get all that much out of an adult that sits on the floor and plays. Maybe in small doses, but what a kid wants is other kids. Fending for himself is probably not at all a bad thing.

Incidentally, our first nanny was by far our best, so it was a tough adjustment following that act, but I guess it was beginner's luck.

He needs to run around. He needs to be around children. So my advice, while I think she is doing a great job by keeping him safe, my advice is still increase the hours he spends at montessori. he gets to learn there, share, talk to his peers, run, sleep, eat etc. I have kept my 4 now 5 years olds at home this year and while I have done everything under the moon with them, read, learn, sing, go to parks, beach, take them out for ice cream, bike rides, soccer (in our yard), ballet classes, tae kwon do, bookstore, library, taught them to read, taught them addition and substraction, learned about animals etc. at the end of each day I have had the feeling my kids would have benefited more if they had been around children. That i did not provide. the social setting. Nothing wrong with your nanny. as a mom, myself, i am tired too. I really don't like getting 'down and dirty'. i do tea parties, but man I get exhausted. :0 You know what I mean. children need imagination. On occasion we have had playdates with a girl their age, the neighbor's daughter, and I can tell you my girls have had more fun that 2-3 hour time block they spent with their friend than with me the entire planned day. That is what children need.
It would really be unfair to tell the nanny that she needs to do more. I truly believe (as I just went through this), children need to be with other children.
good luck

I have read the responses you have received so far and offer this to you as well.

Sounds like your nanny is doing a wonderful job.

When your son gets to be 5 - 6 years old and in a classroom his ability to sit still for extended periods of time and focus will be invaluable. It is good that he can do it is great he can do it now so young.

He may need to get outside more often. There are wonderful things to see and learn outdoors too.

Relax, everything is just fine. Your son is content.

She can't entertain him at ALL times. Kids need to be able to entertain themselves. That's one of the problems with kids these days....they're TOO entertained so that when they become bored, they misbehave instead of trying to find something to occupy themselves.

I was a nanny for several years and I used to tell parents all the time..."I am not a clown, I am not being paid to be your childs playmate. Yes, I do play with the children, but they need to learn how to play individually also. A nanny's job is very complex, we need to make sure they are safe, fed, and happy before worrying about whether or not they are entertained enough."

Just relax. It sounds like you have a wonderful nanny--you don't want to mess it up.
Lynsey

I have a 2.5 year old son and he loves being outside running and playing. When he's with my inlaws they take him outside as much as possible and take him to our local park. I know in his daycare they go outside to run around and play 2 times a day - I would just be sure he's getting enough outside/park play so he can climb and run and swing and jump and just do all those active child things. I find that when my son doesn't get that time that he seems "bored" and can get a bit cranky.

Hi H., I think that you should be very happy with your nanny. I was an au pair myself a while back and know how bad they can be. It looks to me that your son is in great hands since you wrote how loving your nanny is. You should consider yourself lucky that you can go to work and be assured that your son is safe. I have a baby now and am working full time. For me safety of my child is the most important and it sounds like your son has that covered. I think that your nanny does not have to play with your son constantly, he should learn how to entertain himself. If he gets bored with one toy, she does not have to give him another, he can get whatever he feels like playing with next (she can suggest things). I'm sure that your son gets a lot of quality time at Montessori - it is the best school for a child his age. I don't think that this is what you expected to hear but it is just my opinion. I would not worry about anything, it looks like your son is in great hands :) Good for him AND YOU!

H.,

I think the most important thing is your son is in a safe, loving environment. Whenever we have someone else (nanny, grandparent, friend, daycare), take care of our child they will do things differently than us.

On the other hand, you may want to consider making a causual suggestion like "Mike really enjoys the playground, would it be possible for you take him there one or two afternoons a week?"

Hi H.,

It sounds like she is doing fine to me. If you put your son into a Montessori program then she is doing exactly what the Montessori philosophy is. Montessori is child directed not teacher directed. I own a Montessori preschool in which we do incorporate traditional learning as well. By her observing your son during play she is teaching him to rely on himself which believe me is confidence building, and will teach your child to be an independent learner. As long as she assists him when and if he becomes frustrated then I think what she is doing is right on target to me. The worst thing we can do is to entertain our kids all day long, they will never learn to play alone, or to problem solve, etc. I think you are just realizing the differences between both nannies and are having a difficult time adjusting to the change. Try not to compare every teacher, or caregiver. Each has their own style. As long as your son is growing and flourishing with her I wouldn't worry. Good luck!!

One word: relax. Everyone has a different childcare style and your son will benefit from being safely exposed to all sorts of personalities. In time he'll come to expect different types of interaction from different people. He'll expect quiet tabletop games from a laid-back nanny and horseplay from a more rambunctious family member. As long as he's not being abused or neglected, he's fine.

You, on the other hand, are unnecessarily putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Researching everything to death is fine...if you're buying a car. A child is in a constant state of flux, changing from day to day. What works for you now won't work in six months -- or even in six minutes. While there are basic common sense guidelines for raising a child, there are no hard and fast rules that can be Googled and applied to every situation you'll run into. The best you can do with your son is use your intuition, go with your gut and trust yourself. You know more about raising a child than you think.