First Time Mom to a Four Month Old...

He is not going to have people around him 24/7 as he grows up. He needs to learn how to be by himself, to not rely on other people to give him what he needs, to entertain himself when no one is around, etc. Please give him some time to himself...he needs it just as much as you do!! Learning to function on his own is a huge part of development.

You should let him fuss and cry a little bit once in a while... I'm not saying to neglect him or anything, but crying helps to develop healthy lungs... and if you respond immediately to every little thing, he will not be able to learn how to self soothe. It's not just OK, but will actually HELP his development. (and your sanity...)

Babies... get tired quickly and over-stimulated.
You do NOT have to "play" with him all the time nor every minute.
Just let him be... you CAN set him down... and then you can be right there near him and read a magazine. For example.
Or put him on a play mat. With baby safe toys around him.
Its fine.

And baby-safe your home.

AND babies this age nap a lot. My son napped 3 times a day.
A baby, typically gets tired after about 2 hours of "awake" time. For example.

AND it is also very important... that babies also just hang-out... not doing anything... and just explore and crawl around. That is how they "learn" too... not it always being orchestrated for them. They NEED to self-explore too... and be allowed to.

You are fine.
He is fine.
Its okay.

The book "What To Expect The First Year" is great. And then "What To Expect The Toddler Years" is good too.

all the best,
Susan

Hi M.
Dont be so hard on yourself. All us Mamas try to do the best for our children but we are separate people also.
Giving him some time to himself teaches him independence for future life.
From studying child psychology the first six months of our lives have a massive impact on how we are as adults. I think having a balance is good.
Of course attachment parenting is a fabolous way but also creating an environment of independence is good too.
Maybe put aside some time in his routine where he can lie on an activity mat while you just sit and relax.
Also you can put him in his chair and he can watch you do the house work etc.
Best of luck
B.

Yes, it's fine to allow him a little down time. Does he like a swing? a bouncy chair propped near the window, door, etc?

You have things that you need to do, I'm sure....talk to him a LOT. That's the great thing about babies...they keep your secrets! :-)

you can, but its easier to just keep listening to your instincts and following that. trust me, when you get to the "so-called" terrible twos, you will thank yourself for continuing to listen to your heart, your child and his needs!!

find the best care provider for him that you can. be firm that you do expect his needs be put first, that the person does NOT do any crying it out if you do not wish that for your son, and that slings or carrying be a big part of caring for him. it might be hard to find, but these days im sure you could find a lady who would LOVE to and who needs the money. you dont mention this, so im assuming you have it taken care of, but i really hope you stand up for yourself and your child and encourage whoever cares for him to care for him the way you would to extend the gentle way you want to parent. sure, kids can adapt to different people and different care situations, but there are things that can damage that precious relationship you are building with him, and you just want to stand firm that your parenting preferences also be followed when you are not around.

the REASON hes an easy baby is because you've been fulfilling his needs, never giving him reason to doubt that you are indeed going to respond to him when he needs something. it only makes sense!! :) my son wasnt hard either until he was 3. this was when he started to "assert" some independence (which he was comfortable with and at 3 thats perfectly normal), and so it was a bit more difficult because he realize that moms way isnt the only way. but up until then, he was a DREAM - he listened (within age-appropriate reason), he was loving, kind, sweet, everything we want our kids to be. the attachment parenting IS the difference. :) KEEP IT UP!! :) :)

anyway, dont feel guilty, just keep up the good work. i feel horrible right now sitting here and not playing with my son (hes almost 4 now!!) but hes happy, hes playing, hes fine, and he keeps checking in with me while i sit here... you cant feel too guilty. we all have something that we feel we dont do well enough. but with parenting, you can let it squish you or you can let it go. your son will be SO happy with life if you keep listening and keep responding. you are doing lots of good for him! :) the independence will come naturally instead of being forced on him.

anyway, write to me if you have more questions? or something? LOL. good luck. but i think you are doing a fabulous job!!

Give yourself a break! (In both senses, actually.) You are a terrific mother, and you do not need to worry. Your baby will be fine having some time on his own to play or gurgle or wave around his chubby little fists -- and you need to give yourself a little time not to be "on."

I chose not to go the attachment parenting route (13 years ago it was a lot bigger than it seems to be now), in part because it seemed too overwhelming for the mother, and in part because the AP community did so much blaming and shaming. Once I saw my AP friends miserable from lack of sleep or time to themselves, I decided I had made the right decision.

I'm not trying to say you shouldn't subscribe to the AP philosophy. Just remember to take everything with a grain of salt, and don't go overboard.

I was a very responsive and loving mother to my babies (as we all are/were), but I let them be on their own for a while, and didn't feel the need to carry them every single second. My boys are 10 and 13 and are happy, healthy, smart, confident, and very affectionate kids. There are a lot of ways to be a good mother -- keep that in mind.

One last thing -- sometimes babies need a break. They find it stressful to always be interacting with someone. Follow your son's cues and let him just be every once in a while.

Awww, you should know the fact that you're even worried about it shows what a dedicated Mommy you are! I would just start putting him in a bouncy seat, baby gym, or swing or something until he cries everyday. When he cries let him fuss a bit, I'm not saying let him cry it out or for very long, just take a minute or two to get to him. Then he won't panic if you can't get to him immediately, or he'll even fuss, quit and keep playing!

He'll figure it all out soon enough, and I agree with the lady about daycare. You want his adjustment to go as smoothly as possible, and if your daycare provider is stressed with a baby who doesn't want to be put down, that's going to make a rougher start. If you gradually introduce the independent time then it won't be such a shock when you go back to work, AND it'll ease your mind too!

I am in the same boat! My guy gets bored and lonely pretty easily some days, and is teething, so he's cranky a lot. Over the last few weeks though, he's really grown a lot, and I'm tired (he wakes up every hour at night), so I've just been putting him down and checking my email or doing the dishes. He has a place in almost every room where it's safe to put him down and he has toys or a mirror or mobile to entertain him.

I used to feel really bad about it, but I've noticed two things. First of all, if he starts to get bored (which he does pretty quickly), he lets me know, and then I can go over and talk to him and smile at him, which makes him happy again right away. Second, there are times when I feel guilty so I pick him up away from his toys, and he gets annoyed with me! So I think sometimes he actually prefers being on his own to explore. He's old enough now that he doesn't need Mommy *constantly*.

Kudos for the attachment parenting btw! I do some of it but just don't have the energy/willpower to commit as much as you have.

Wow, you're taking this attachment style parenting very seriously. I practice this same style of parenting too. I have 5 children. I work part time too. Attachment style parenting is not meant to be so rigid. There are a lot of mom's who don't practice this style of parenting and still read to their babies and play with them, etc...

It is good for your baby to be put down on the ground without constant entertainment. If you keep up this routine, your baby will expect it forever and will never learn to just be. My baby is 10 months old and he hangs out by himself all the time, we are always close by and that is what makes him feel secure. Being close by is attachment style parenting. I would only put your baby in the sling when he needs to be.
Attachment style parenting means to follow your own mother's intuition and NOT a book. I love this method of parenting because when I read it, it was exactly how I felt comfortable parenting.

You need to know your own limitations as well. I'm sure you're giving your baby awesome care. Here's what I would -for a day just do what YOU feel is best and don't think about the book tells you to do.

This book is great because it counters the other methods that, frankly, I find very difficult to follow and only sets me up for failure.

Relax and just enjoy being a mom! You're doing a great job!

When my first son was that age, I always felt like I had to constantly entertain him -- after all, that's why I wasn't working, right? My parenting style is more in line with attachment parenting, as well. He was pretty demanding in that he was absolutely happy when he had 100% of my attention, but not happy if I had to set him down to put in a load of laundry, etc.

I learned that it was okay to set him on the floor with toys while I sat next to him and folded laundry, read a book, worked on photo albums, etc. I also spent a lot of time doing the things you mentioned from your routine, and if you're doing those things, it's okay to let him have some more independent moments too.

One of the best gifts you can give your child is the gift of independence. It will help him for the rest of his life and will help him become a great adult. If a child learns how to calm himself and keep himself entertained than he'll develop excellent problem solving skills. The younger a child learns these skills, the better. It's harder to teach an older child the same skills. An added bonus is that you get some time to yourself. I'm not saying you should ignore him. I'm just saying you should plan on having some independant play included in your day. Also, don't structure the day too much. Allow for some flexibility. Some structure is good but if its too structured a child tends to not be able to go with the flow when their schedule is interrupted. If you feel bored at home, perhaps try finding a MOPS group in your area. I know Wayne is small but you may still be able to find other moms in your area looking for some playdates/adult interaction. Don't worry too much about his development. It sounds like he is doing really well. I'm sure his development is not slowing down when he has alone time. In fact it's growing. Just harder to notice but trust me its there. The benefits will be SOOOO obvious as he gets just a little bit older. I promise. Relax...you're a good mom but remember a good mom learns that in order to be a good mom they have to focus on themselves too. Good luck! Have a great first holiday season with your son!

Just like us grown ups, babies NEED down time - think of all the stressful and NEW things they encounter each day, all the new skills they are trying to learn, including how to move thier own body on their own, and how to be a separate person from MOM. They need this time to learn, to reflect, to process, and to rest from us. He will be fine, as long as you don't just leave him laying for hours at a time crying, he will be fine, and we all know you are doing the exact opposite of that.

YOU also need some down time, you will both learn the confidence of being independent of each other a little at a time. You will be a better mom for giving yourself a litttle break - put him on a blanket next to your computer desk and surf the internet, sit him in a swing or exersuacer and read a magazine article, just for you....15 minutes of independance will not hurt ANYONE!

Good Luck, it is a learning process for both of you!

Jessie

This time with baby is such an intense one! The four month stage is exhausting because they aren't quite doing much to entertain themselves yet, and they need you. But, before you know it, he will be doing more on his own, entertaining himself more. I think if he is content to lay on the floor on a blanket by himself, enjoy that rest! But, as you see his needs, I think it is great to respond to them as you have been. You sound like a really wonderful mother!

Hi! If you are going to be starting a new job in 2 weeks is your baby going to daycare? Take it from a daycare provider, the baby needs to learn how to entertain himself for short periods of time. I run an infant program & have 7 babies under 16 months(most in the 4-8 month range) with 1 aide helping me. As much as I would love to be able to hold them all, all the time it's not physically possible. They also need the room/time to explore & learn. Don't get me wrong, take the snuggles whenever you can get them, but babies need downtime as much as adults do.

OMG if he is a good baby just let him be!!! If you cannot overcome your guilt and still feel the need to interact with him, find yourself a good book to read and read it out loud. Doesn't matter if it's a kids book or not. Just hearing the human voice and words are educational to him. Then he kinda gets independent play time, but you are still together and forming bonds.

I was the same way when I had my first daughter 12 years ago....I am still the same way, we r all so close, but, I do regret being "that" close, because she has little independence and I found myself doing EVERYTHING for them (I have 2 daughters) and now it's a struggle to get them to do chores or even cleaning up after themselves...Having time to themselves and for yourself is one of the best things for you both, DON'T feel guilty, I also created a huge separation anxiety for my oldest daughter, that took years to get rid of that.
Good Luck, and thanks for being such a great mom!!