Working a Lot

My husband and I both work long varying hours. It seems to me the key is being 100% work when you are at work and 100% Mom when you are with your kids. And don't forget that during this time (and all the time really) than you have to find time to read or do whatever for you. Maybe it will just be a lunch break where you can sit outside and breathe for a few minutes. Or maybe you can get a sitter once or twice a month and go out to dinner (or in) with a good friend.

My kids would be absolutely devastated without their daddy. They live for the moment he comes home from work. I also can't imagine being away from them in order to hold down jobs. The whole family is a team. My hubby and I didn't much get along the first several years, even though we were madly "in love" with each other. I was raised with constant fighting between my parents, which really was unpleasant; I didn't learn how to get along... We finally decided together to basically be nice to each other (I would stop antagonizing him, nagging, holding grudges, etc., and he would stop yelling and picking fights). We did it, and every year gets better and better (we've been married 8). We hardly ever have an argument.

What helped me to see the light was reading Dr Laura's book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It is eye opening how damaging to our relationships and ourselves our own behavior can be, and it is amazing how well they (men) respond to simple things (like a warm embrace when they walk through the door, instead of hostility or whatever). She spells out what men need to be happy, which really isn't a lot, but is vital. It is worth a read. It totally turned our marriage around. He still isn't perfect, and I've accepted some things (like he's not going to give up playing his computer games in his down time, but at least he's home, and supports the family, and is a good man all around). I'm not perfect either.

Please consider the consequences of what you are doing. Your decision will influence the entirety of your children's lives, and consequently their children as well. On the other hand, if he is an abusive jerk, then by all means get out of there. But if he's a good guy, it is so worth working it out and making a happy, loving home for your children - as well as yourself.

Counseling has limited, if any benefit. What is likely to happen is the counselor is going to agree that your hubby is a pig... and you are the good guy (which may or may not be the case), rather than teach you to look at yourself and your contributions (good and bad) to the relationship. The book is a whole lot cheaper than a counseling session, too.

Good luck!

Read one or all of: The Power of a Praying Wife, The Power of a Praying Mom, or The ower of a Praying Woman.

Relationships are very hard when young children are arround. I KNOW. I thought about leaving my husband when my kids were very young and I thought he was horrible. Neither of us were meeting eachothers needs. Now a couple of years later I am so glad that I prayed alot and stuck it out. God has the best plan and when we are in the middle of it we often cannot see the end. Our life has been monumentally (but slowly) changed through (my)PRAYER. I love my husband very much now even though there was apoint in which I never thought I could. My children are growing wonderfully now and they can see first hand a good solid relationship. One that is not always perfect but one that is the way it should be. That is something very benificial for my kids that I never got to see when I was growing up in a divorced family. GOOD LUCK! Stay strong and my prayers will be with you.

Hi S.,

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to say that I wish you and the kids the best.

Back in Sept., I was going to leave my husband too. I had a full-time job, and even got another one working nights, so I could afford rent and the rest of the bills. He convinced me that things would change, and begged me not to divorce him, and I withdrew the divorce filing.

When I made the decision to "do it", I felt the same way as you: when would I EVER see the kids? I also wondered when I would sleep and how bad was life going to suck? That influenced alot--more than I want to admit sometimes--my decision not to follow through with the divorce proceedings.

If I were you, I would get some counseling for you and the children, and seperately for yourself, so you can see how you can manage all of it. Single parents do it alone ALL THE TIME, so I know it can be done. It's just more involved than if you were still with your husband, and if you were an at-home mom. Looking back, I would have done it myself, if I had been.....braver. But back then, as much courage and work as it took to set up everything I did, one moment of self-doubt ruined it all.

Again, I wish you and the children all the best. You CAN do it, but it will be alot of work and faith in yourself.

K. W

S. -

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W. E.

I don't really have any advice to you other than to say that I grew up with a single mom who had to work a lot, but when we were together it was always clear that we were the most important things in her life and that she loved us so much. I had friends with stay-at-home moms who were resentful of their parents because they were always home, but not available. My mom, sister and I always felt (and continue to feel) like a very close family and team. I know my mom struggled with feeling guilty and I did miss her (we rarely saw my dad), but I am so close with my mom and my sister that I wouldn't ever want it any other way. For what it's worth, my sister and I are both very successful, productive, and happy people.

HiSarah - I wrote out this big, good, response and then hit some button and lost everything! Damn Computers. So, I will try and remember what I said.
First of all, I read the two comments before this one and think perhaps one of the mamas didn't understand what your question was. Obviously you are an intelligent woman, and you have made a very hard decision to take some time to figure out your marriage. I hardly think that was a decision that you made in a split second, right? There are a lot of children from seperated or divorced parents who are doing JUST FINE, and who do not have dire consequences from a divorce. (Presidential candidate Obama, came from a single mama, and he seems to be doing just fine) While it's nice to say that reading books, counseling, and giving your husband the validation he feels he needs, works for some people.....for a lot of people that doesn't work. Please do not feel like you are any less of a mother because you,and your husband decided that you needed a seperation. Okay, enough about that....your question was about your kids....
So, now that you and your husband are taking a break (we were on a break!!), you two need to sit down and have a conversation. Figure out the days that you are not working (maybe even talk to your supervisor and try to have the same days off every week if possible) and the days he isn't, and then have them for those 2,3,or 4 days a week. The key is going to be to give them your undevided attention on those days. Take walks, go to a movie, cook/bake, read stories, play games....you know the drill. But I would try to make those days that you have them special. Make sure that you try to do grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, household chores when they are not there. That way they get mama all to themselves.
Yes, it's going to be difficult. There will be a lot of questions by the older one. I would try to just give her very simple answers. Of course, don't talk bad about there dad, if you get back together you don't want them to think that you had bad thoughts about there dad.
Now, just because you guys are seperated doesn't mean that they wont see their dad. My kids see dad about an hour a day, he works so hard. Your children could probably feel the tension in your house before you two decided to seperate. I'm sorry I keep focusing on that, it just kind of got under my skin, the response you got before. It is never easy to seperate, but your children will be just fine as long as you and your husband to a great job of letting them both know that you guys love them. Good luck, L.

Okay, sorry, I just read that guy, Rosemond, online that someone recommended, and I think he is as much of a quack as any other doctor or pychologist. I don't know if you are a bible-thumpin' christian, but he is, and I have a feeling that if you read it you will just think that you are a failure as a wife and a mother, and that's really not going to help you out at all...is it? There are tons of counselors that you can talk to, who do NOT take sides, and I am sure they can help you, if you feel like you need it. Sorry, it is still gettin' under my skin!! Good Luck

Also, there was this thing, a joke, going around on the internet, email, whatever, that was published in old home-ec books about the proper way to care for your husbamd. "Don't talk about your day" "make sure the kids are bathed and quiet when dad gets home" "always make a home cooked meal" "get yourself gussied up for him when he comes home" "Have a hot meal always ready for him" DOn't complain, he doesn't want to hear it"...BLAH BLAH BLAH....you can't control your husband any more than you can control a donkey. He decides how to feel, what to feel, and when to feel it, whether or not you rub his feet, great him with a hug, or get down on all 4's and bark like a dog. My husband would not love and respect me if I bowed to his every whim, and he would think I was high if everytime he came home I threw myself into his arms to welcome him home....OKAY, I will write nothing else....Good night