It's been decided... Tonight Oliver is going to sleep in his crib. He has been sleeping in bed with me and hubby for 2 years. I've tried to get him to sleep in his crib before and it lasts for about a week before either hubby and I give in and let him sleep with us or something comes up where he has to sleep with us (Example: We spend the night somewhere else - He hates the pack'n'play more than the crib).
One problem that we have run into... He hates being left in a room alone. I can't leave him alone in his bedroom to run down and get the mail or run down and put a load of laundry in the wash without him freaking out and crying like I've abandoned him forever and am never coming back. Then when I do get back (Less than 5 minutes later) he clings to me for an hour straight. If he wakes up in new places (Example: Visiting a friend or relative and I lay him down in their room for a nap) and I'm not there he freaks out, frantically searches for me, and clings to me for an hour. I don't know why he is like this. I've always been there for him. I've never done anything to make him think that I wasn't coming back.
So how should I do bed time? I don't want to make it traumatic for him but I also want my bed back!!!
He's used to laying in my lap with a special pillow, a special blanket, his sippy (It's filled with water and he only takes a couple sips of it - He mostly just wants it to hold, not to suck on), and sometimes a stuffed animal.
Should I continue that routine and then just lay him in his crib instead of in our bed? Or should I try to lay him in the crib while he's still awake so that he knows where he is and doesn't wake up in a weird place?
Unfortunately hubby is gone this weekend for another hunting trip (Last trip of the season - Yay!), so i'll be on my own with this one. Advice? Ideas? Words of encouragement?
Go! Fight! Win! you can do this! Set up a routine including a couple of stories, a song, and smooches from Mom. Stick with it!
We haven't co-slept, and we used the Ferber method to assist in sleep training.
Your kid has a number of "sleep associations." Your bed, special pillow, special blanket, sippy, and your presence. You can choose to break them all at once, or one at a time. You can expect protest as you ask him to give up each.
I would recommend making sure he's good and tired, before you even start the go to sleep routine, like droopy eyed, and nodding off. Perhaps you put him to bed 1/2 an hour later. Put him in his crib awake.
Ferber has you say goodnight and leave the room. Your kid will likely cry and protest. You wait 1 long minute, before going back in to say I love you goodnight, and leave again. Kid will probably cry even louder now. You wait and additional 3 minutes. go back in to say goodnight. the intervals increase to 5, 10, 15, and 20, then in additional 15 minute intervals. don't deviate in your response. don't pick him up. don't take him to your bed. don't stick around and linger.
the second night, you start at longer clips, so you go in at 3 minutes, then 5, 10, 15, 20, 35, 55, etc. third night longer clips again, 5, 10, 15, 20, 35, 55 etc. Most kids don't need more than 4 nights, some as many as 7.
You are trying to teach him that crying won't get a different response, out of you. further, it isn't the end of the world when you go away. he can and will learn to fall asleep on his own.
You can do this. It will work. You and he and the whole family will be happier when you are through.
good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
Why don't you put the crib in your room and start with that. In a few weeks, move the crib to his room. At two I assume he is verbal and you should be able to explain to him exactly what is going to happen. Also - he does need to know that you will come when he needs you. After all, what if he is crying because he has hurt himself, has an ear infection, whatever is a 'real' need (of course emotional needs are real too)).
You said out of your bed....start by putting his crib in your room and him sleeping in that.
You can do this!
Do the routine.
Wait O. minute, enter, pat, say "time to sleep" and exit.
NO conversation or engaging him. Don't pick him up.
Repeat.
Increase times between pats.
Try a music CD (soothing) on "repeat" all night, very low.
2-4 hard nights, then DONE! Whoopee!
Don't cave or you'll be right back at night O. again!
Good luck!
It might be helpful if you hold off just little longer until you can do some shopping. Since he hates the crib, buy a bed for him and make a big deal out of how he is a big boy with his very own bed.
He could find the crib not only annoying, but uncomfortable. I thought one of my kids hated his crib, but then got a toddler bed (same mattress) and he still wouldn't sleep on it. He'd sleep on the floor or end up on the couch. It was the mattress he hated, not the crib. Once I got him a regular twin size mattress - problem solved.
There are a number of non-combative ways that would work:
Try:
-I would keep with the routine you have then when he is asleep try putting him in his crib.
or
-Keep the routine then put him in his crib then try sitting w/him in his room w/o talking to him. You eventually scoot towards the door then eventually sit outside his open door. Not all in one night. Each step takes several nights in a row. Keep the routine the same. I used to sit in his room (the The SuperNanny show does it with her back to him w/o talking to him.) I used to talk to him but try quiet time w/o talking to him because I think that's better.
When he's 2 yrs old, out of sight means gone forever to them.
It's a stage they all go through.
He will work through it at some point and not act like that but it takes time & age is the main factor.
He will eventually see that you leave AND you come back.
It's all developmental. Hang in there & go with one of these methods.
Updated
There are a number of non-combative ways that would work:
Try:
-I would keep with the routine you have then when he is asleep try putting him in his crib.
or
-Keep the routine then put him in his crib then try sitting w/him in his room w/o talking to him. You eventually scoot towards the door then eventually sit outside his open door. Not all in one night. Each step takes several nights in a row. Keep the routine the same. I used to sit in his room (the The SuperNanny show does it with her back to him w/o talking to him.) I used to talk to him but try quiet time w/o talking to him because I think that's better.
When he's 2 yrs old, out of sight means gone forever to them.
It's a stage they all go through.
He will work through it at some point and not act like that but it takes time & age is the main factor.
He will eventually see that you leave AND you come back.
It's all developmental. Hang in there & go with one of these methods.
If you commit, you really have to commit. There's a saying that it takes 21 days to make a habit and 21 days to break a habit. The point is that it takes a full month to stop and change whatever behavior it is that you want to change. In this case, you need to move the routine over to his own room. See if you can determine how comfortable his mattress is and how cozy and nice-smelling his bedding is. His bed and room should feel welcoming to him. There should be familiar sights and feelings in there.
Just another perspective. I am not judging your choice to not have your child in your bed, but I think SOME parents become so adamant about not letting their child in their bed because they think it will be that wat FOREVER!!! My husband and I always started our kids in their own beds at night, but 5-7 nights a week they would come in our room in the middle of the night and sleep with us the rest of the night. We never made them go to their own beds. They both just stopped on their own--my daughter at two years old, my son a little longer :) at 4 years old. About 6 months before they stopped, they just gradually decreased on their own. So they won't be 18 years old in your bed :)
I think I would stick with your routine. Then while he is drowsy but awake put him in his crib. He will probably wake up and cry but give him a kiss and walk out the door. Do you have a night light to leave on ? Just stick to this and you can get through it ! I would also do the every 10-15 minutes that he is still crying, go in there, pat his back, give a kiss and leave. Don't talk to him. This is just to let him know you are still there.
If he's 2 years old he will understand when you say he's a big enough boy now to sleep in his own bed and now he is going to get to sleep there. You should make it sound exciting and ignore protests. Then take him to his room, read to him or whatever you do, put him in bed, tell him you love him and will check on him later, if you want to put music on for him that's okay or not, then leave. He will scream and you will ignore it. ( Well try to ). Then like mentioned by Fanged Bunny you go in and lay him down and tell him goodnight again. Let him cry and I can tell you it will take a very few days for this to stop. If you don't give in he will be happy and sleep. If you make him see you feel bad about or like it upsets you and aren't firm about it you will have more issues. I've done this with my kids and grandchildren and I have grandchildren who come here and fall asleep now and wake in the morning happy. It's work though and this should be a good time to do it where your husband is gone and won't have to hear the crying. You'll be glad you stuck it out once he's sleeping so well in his bed. You could give him the stuffed animal and pillow and blanket if you want. I only let our grandchildren have an empty cup as it leaked and they then would want it filled if they drank it and that became another issue and excuse to get me in there. For security let him hold the cup empty, or with a drop in it. I mean a drop. Tell him when it's gone that's all until morning.
I'd take him to the toy store and tell him you are looking for a sleep guardian for him. Look at all the animals and have him help choose one that will protect him while he sleeps. It may be a ferocious tiger or swift horse, or a looming bear. Find one that makes him feel safe and make sure he has it to sleep with where ever you go.
Here's an alternative if you can't deal with the coming in and out or letting him cry. (This comes from Supernanny.)
Sit in a chair in the middle of the room with the lights off after your night time routine. When he gets out of the bed, get up and lead him back, and then sit back down in the chair. Don't talk to him and don't interact. Whatever you do, don't let him crawl up in your lap. He will try 100 times the first night and it will take him a long time to go to sleep. Don't sit anywhere but the chair. When he finally goes to sleep, go to bed. If he wakes in the middle of the night, start all over with the chair.
I know it's a pain in the butt (literally). Hope you have a comfortable chair!
The second week should be much better. If he is still waking in the middle of the night in the second week, stop sitting in the chair in the middle of the night. Walk him back over and over without talking to him and go back to bed.
He will test you over and over and if you are not 100% consistent, he will jump right back into waking himself up to test your resolve. Hold fast and you AND he will finally get some real sleep.
Good luck!!!!!
Dawn
