My husband and I are relatively young and healthy with two little ones- ages 6 and 2. We are getting our wills in line and changing up a few things. We had my oldest brother listed to be guardian of the kids in the event we both passed away. However, he died unexpectedly in August.
So now here's the dilemma- we have no one else. My mother is too old (late 70s), my inlaws are not in good health, I don't trust my BIL to raise my kids (long story), and my other brother is a drinker with a hoarding problem. All my cousins, aunts and uncles are much older than I, as are my husband's cousins (we are the babies of our families by 15 years or more). Our closest and most trusted friends love our kids, but it would just be too much for them. THey would say yes out of obligation, but I don't think they could REALLY do it. :(
What do you do in these situations? Hope and pray that nothing ever happens? I realize others have been in this predicament, esp where they have no other family. However, I don't even like for my husband and I to go out together alone in case we are killed in a car wreck, and we have no care lined up for our kids.
Thanks for your stories or advice.
I think my husband and I will sit down and have a heart to heart about it tonight. We have to come to a decision. We both have a substantial life insurance policy, so I'm not worried about the financial aspect of this decision. I like the idea of having several options listed, so I think I'll do that. The one cousin I would consider is in her 50s now, so I think that I'll ask her how she feels about being named before listing her and her husband. Thanks for responding. It's been a big help!
I named friends. When they moved, I named a different friend.
I wish we had acceptable families but they are the best choice. They also agreed to do it.
Could you increase your life insurance so that there is enough money that would allow your friend to raise them and enough money that she could also hire help if she needed (i.e. Nanny).
You need to figure out good enough. I wouldn't rule out someone who is only 15 years older than you. Just ask yourself would you rather your children be wards of the court until someone claims them or pick someone 15 years older than you?
Do you have any other friends, who aren't necessarily "best" friends, but good people whom you know would fit the bill? Maybe you can ask them.
Make sure you have a decent insurance policy, so that you can tell anyone you ask to be guardians that they would be compensated. At least a $100K, if not $200K, insurance policy.
What we did was have a sliding scale of people. We had 4 different couples. That way they could start at the top and if these people had passed away, there would be another.. etc.
And so you could start with blood relatives, even if they are elderly. If they pass away, there would be the next level etc.
Are you thinking financially it would be too difficult for your good friends to care for your children? If this is your worry, you can leave a trust that is for the care of the children.. This way the financial part of their care would be covered.
Also this will can be changed and updated in case you meet more people you at some point think would make good guardians for your children.
It is important to plan and to have these decisions made. Just do the best you can with the people you have in your children's lives. Probably this will never be needed.
If you don't name anyone, they will go to whomever would be your last choice. Be that the addict, the infirm, or fostercare.
So... Assuming you don't want your LAST pick to raise them, choose someone who would be the better, if not best, choice.
The chances of both of you dying thankfully are pretty slim. Because of this, I would say ask a good friend who you could trust IF this were to happen. I'm assuming you and or your husband have life insurance that would help costs if this happened. There would also be survivor benefits.
We are somewhat in the same boat. Except that I dont have friends Id want raising my kids. My best friend and her husband are MISERABLE and that wouldn't be the kind of home Id want my kids growing up in. At one time I thought my SIL and BIL but they overwhelm themsevles w/ so much they are always in a crazy tailspin. My one sister doesn't like kids and the sister that does is so unstable. So I feel ya!
But again, if you do have friends that you trust enough, just name them. Again, these things are for worse case scenario and it won't actually ever happen!
No one can REALLY do it- unless of course the unspeakable happens and they are forced to rise the the occasion. You are afraid they will say yes out of obligation and you don't want to do that to them- totally understandable. But now in not asking them this is what you are asking for your children- that they become wards of the state and go to foster homes. Your family sounds like they won't be clamoring for custody so likely that is what they will remain- wards of the state is foster care. Now picture that until its seems very real. Are you willing to step out on a limb on behalf of your children and ask your good friends to be guardians? Then make sure you have a decent life insurance policy so that it will not be a financial burden to them. I for one don't doubt your story that your relatives are a poor choice. Bite the bullet for the sake of your children and ask your friends.
Please give your friends the benefit of the doubt....tough times call for tough decisions. You TRUST these people. They love your children. Talk with them - explain - we don't plan on dying anytime soon - however - we TRUST you to care for our children. Can we list you, please?
I would have the will set up specifically to EXCLUDE your BIL and Brother so that your children don't get caught up in that mess.
My parents had my God parents listed to care for me and my siblings.
I would talk to your pastor, reverend, priest, rabbi, etc - and find out if there is a mentorship (might not be the right word) program in your church - other couples in similar situations to yours that want to get to know other couples and have things set up.
I'm sorry that your BIL and brother are not good candidates.
Our wills are set up to show who is the executrix of our estates, who will take care of them. We have amendments or codicils to show:
how funding would happen -
trusts for the boys
payment per month to the caregivers
when the boys are to receive their trusts
I have friends that NEVER travel together - EVER - each take separate flights if they EVER travel as a couple or family - they have 4 kids so each take 2 with them. I asked why they did that - and like you - they don't have anyone to take care of their children so they do the worst case scenario....
Someone who is 15 years older than you is not unfit for guardianship. Even if you're 30, there are people 15-20 years older than you starting their families. I would look at that layer of relatives and see if there is someone suitable. If you have good life insurance and set up a trust so that whoever would care for them wouldn't have to worry about finances, there is probably a cousin or friend up for the task.
Not naming anyone would be terrible - they would possibly be placed in foster care until the court sorted it out. You don't have no one, you just don't have someone who you think is ideal, and that's OK. Just pick someone, even if they're not a 100% best fit match for what you would want in a guardian.
Even though the cousins are older, they still might be able to take the kids on. Or you have to put your friends down? I need to do a will and figure that out was well. No matter how you slice it, no one will be as good as you and your husband. There will always be something off, too old, this or that.. you just have to decide what is the lesser of the challenges to overcome.
Good luck
That's awful. I would think though, that if you talked to your friends about it, they will come through for you if it happens. If you also have accounts set up and trusts for the kids, they will be taken care of if you plan ahead.
Do you have a cousin who is able? Age is always an issue. I know some who are in retirement, but very healthy and active. It also depends on their lifestyle. You never know unless you ask though, I wouldn't be timid about it. It's important. At least for your own piece of mind. Especially when not all being able to travel together because of this fear.
Totally understand how you feel. We thankfully have my sister but she's it. Good news is our kids are getting older so she could absorb them pretty easily to her family. It's scarier if the children are very young bc then it's a bigger burden on the caregiver. We do have friends who have some decent family but chose good friends instead. Why do you thnk it'd be too much for your friends? A 2 year old I can see. A 6 year old could likely fit in with their kids and not be too life altering. Do you have really good life insurance so that there would be excellent financial assistance? If a good friend left me her 2 children and they weren't babies, I could deal unless I was already broke and the 2 kids came with no money. And odds are nothing will happen to you and your husband for the next year at least. Of course odds are very good after that too! But I remember looking at it as just wanting to get through the really young years. So I don't blame you for not driving far with your husband alone etc. I won't fly with mine. Neither will my sister without the kids along. So yes, hope and pray nothing will happen and in your case, I'd choose friends and make sure there's money to ease the burden. Or when you say old, any cousins 50 or younger? That's doable for sure. I'd want to like the cousins as much as my friends though.
Look at the cousins, or their children. My DH is 14 yrs my senior and I obviously think he's a fit parent for a young child. If my sister and her husband were not an option, I'd probably ask my SIL, DH's older sister - she is a wonderful person who adores her granddaughter (similar age to DD) and would raise DD to the best of her ability, probably with help from her adult daughter. We chose my sister and BIL not based on age, but on stability, similarity of beliefs and personalities. We also have dear, dear friends who I would trust with my child (not that I ever want to leave her). I wouldn't not name someone for fear they would be shuffled into foster care and you would have no say.
What you might ALSO stipulate in your will is your preferences NOT to have a certain person, so that if it goes to court, the judge knows why you didn't choose your brother for kinship care.
You have to come up with something. If you don't, the kids will be put in foster care. I would probably choose a cousin; even if they are older than you and in their 50s, they could still raise kids. Not ideal, but they could do it. maybe you could put something in your will about using some of your life insurance money to hire a nanny to help her out. Otherwise, choose a close friend; again, consider a clause about using your money to hire a nanny. I'd make sure you do something though.
If you have real TRUSTED friends that are loving, wonderful, trustworthy people, maybe consider speaking with them about a joint custody for the children. This way there is shared responsibility, different homes and it is almost like a built in insurance policy (for lack of better words!). .. Your children can have the best of both and not only will the care and responsibility be shared, each can hold each other to those high standards you most likely have for raising your children.
