Hi,
I have a strange problem. My brother and his wife are going through a divorce. They have one child together. He left for work and we have not seen him in almost a year. He occasionally calls his child but the mom is still angry and really doesn't want them talking. Anyway, we found out that he is now in another relationship and there is a 7 day old baby. I am a sucker for baby's. Anyhow, like I said no word from him in a year. I really want to talk to him to find out about this baby. I have a daughter and that means she has a cousin out there whom she doesn't know. I just don't want to make his soon to be ex angry. She now feels he left her family and started another. He lied to her alot and it was just not a good relationship with either of them. But he is still my brother. What would you do? Thanks so much.
Added: My family and I are very much still involved with the ex and her child. They lived with my parents for a while and I see them at least once a week.
The child I would be most concerned with is the one he walked away from! I couldn't/wouldn't respect a person that did that, even if my mother gave birth to him. He has awful character and I wouldn't let him off the hook that easily.
Times change, people change, and situations change...in any situation be the best person you can be-be the best aunt, sister, mother, daughter, etc. and time will take care of the rest.
Well it sounds like your SIL is correct. He left her and started a new family but that doesn't mean he ceases to be YOUR family. What would I do? I would call my brother and inquire about his current life and what his plans are regarding his firstborn child. I would tell my SIL I am not willing to sever ties with my brother although I acknowledge he made poor choices and that I hope she understands and that I am still there for her and their child.
You can extend a branch and see if he takes it. That is about all you can do...
personally I would stay away, yes your daughter has a cousin "out there somewhere" but she also has one she sees all the time and probably needs her and you more. Unless your brother comes around dont try to force the issue the girl and her mom already went through the loss once no sense in opening an old wound
Your brother "occasionally" calls his child? That's it? That's pretty low. That poor child is going to grow up with serious abandonment issues. It's very irresponsible of him. I don't blame his ex-wife for being angry. I'd be angry too.
Having said that, your brother is a grown man and you can't make choices for him. If he has not made an effort to reach out to you, you may want to reach out to him. But really, that 7 day old baby HAS a mother and father. I'd be more concerned about his first child that he abandoned. Reach out to that child.
Even if you don't get along well with the mother (your brother's ex), that's no reason to stop being the best aunt in the world to that child. Let her know that the family has not abandoned her, even if her father did.
Regardless of the situation, thats your brother. Life is too short, why have regrets, you need to reach out to him before its too late. And if the soon to be ex doesnt understand, thats her problem, she need to grow up...
The fact that your daughter has a cousin out there and that you want to be around another baby is your lowest priority here. Those are nice-to-haves and not your rights. You have more of a responsibility to the cousin she already has and who your family is close with. If your brother wants to have a relationship with you, you can certainly participate, but you should not force it. And you need to be sensitive to the SIL and her child. You also need to prepare yourself for when he leaves this new child because he will. Yes, he's your brother, so I wouldn't shun him, but you should not pretend like he hasn't done anything wrong either. I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle. It is a difficult situation.
He is your brother and the ex has no say in whether or not you see him. Period. Will it make her mad? Probably. But, so what? If you want to see him and his new family, you have every right to, whether or not you are still close to the ex.
I'm in a very similar situation. I've come to this conclusion: Regardless of how the soon-to-be ex feels--he's still your brother. You also have a brand new niece/nephew out there as well. You need to start creating a bond with the baby, regardless of location...atleast let them know you exist and are there for them. Maybe your brother's like mine and is too ashamed of what's happened and is afraid of possibly no longer being accepted. Call your brother.
Call your brother, he's your family.
We have many relationshipsin life where we don't agree with how they do their life. Maintaining your relationship with your brother and his new baby is in no way condoning his actions. He's done a stupid thing and he's now got two families and both kids are going to need all the love they can get. Your brother needs a vasectomy and someone to whack him upsdie the head - but that's a different story. You can do the head whacking - but strongly urge him to get to a doctor if he's not willing to become a responsible parent.
If you want to contact your brother, then that's what you should do.
Reach out to him. You can still love him and try and get past those things... it doesn't mean you support his decisions, and it doesn't mean you can't be there for your ex sister in law and their child. But there is always time to turn over a new leaf.
Spend all your time on the ex and her child. I wouldn't give the time of day to anyone, related or not, who would abandon his family. Your daughter does not need to be brought into the middle of this. Being a sucker for babies is not a good excuse to hurt the ones who are innocent.
Tough situation. His ex is the mother of your niece and you are close to them, I assume. You can't abandon your niece; enough has been done to her already. However, your brother is still your brother. You may regret not having contact later. You don't need to be his best friend (he doesn't deserve that anyway), or see him often, just don't cut him off. As for the new baby, remember that the new baby is still your niece/nephew and did NOT ask to be born into a situation like this. You don't need to see the baby immediately (he/she is only 7 days old and probably won't know the difference yet), but you also don't want that child (8 years later) saying "my dad's family never liked me. I wonder what I did to them."
It doesn't sound like you have a close relationship with your brother if YOU haven't heard from him in a year.
Maybe he does NOT want you involved in his life - I don't know. If he hasn't reached out to you - that could be the #1 sign - might not be what you want to hear - but that just might be the way it is.
I would stay involved with your SIL and the children - they need to know that even though their dad is not around - family is.
I would ask your SIL if your brother wants contact with you or your parents...not to put her in the middle - but if he's ONLY reaching out to her - then MAYBE there's too much stress and drama for him....maybe that's why he left - maybe he was depressed and needed space...it sucks that he would do that to kids - but sometimes, that's the way the flour rises....
So, bottom line? Stay in contact with your SIL and the children. ASK her if you can talk to your brother - if he doesn't want talk - respect those wishes and press on.
I am assuming you want him to come home and explain himself to his soon to be ex wife. She is the one who deserves to have some answers more than anyone. .
As his sister, I hope you would speak with him and let him know you will always love him, but are disappointed in his lack of maturity and very poor behaviors and choices. That you hope he will VERY soon make time to come home and face the music and showing his respect for all of you, by being honest with every one of you.
He has really done damage to his first daughter. No matter how much professional help, no matter how much she comes to grips with this, she will have always be an abandoned child. For this to happen to a daughter by her father, I can only guess, what she could experience in relationships without very good care and help.
I also assume your mother is not just angry, but devastated by his behavior. This is her son. Imagine how you would feel if 1 of your children were to do this in the future. What would you want him to do?
So tread lightly. Be very open with your sister inlaw about how you would like to continue to be part of her and your nieces lives.
Then decide, what you think you want this relationship to look like,. Example, Let her know that they are always welcome and to feel free to share her feelings with you. That you want to help with the care of your niece. That if she meets someone new they are welcome into your lives.. Whatever you think you can handle.
Then let her know what you are hoping your brother will do. Hope he will some day be able to explain himself and take ownership to her and their child for his behavior. Be able to understand how much hurt he has caused, but also that you are his sister, so you are going to want to have your relationship with him and this new family.. (gosh this is going to hurt her). But you do not want to take sides. You want to be Switzerland and stay neutral, so you can be there for all of them.
Or think about what you want to say so you do not get lost.. These are just suggestions.
I am glad that your brother is safe. I am glad that his baby and girlfriend are fine. I am sending your whole family peace, and hope you find the truth.
I can only assume that you and your brother did not have a good relationship? This is a very difficult decision for you and your family. If you have a good relationship with your sister-in-law then I would maintain it. Your brother obviously has some serious problems to distance himself from his family. Good luck with your decision.
L.
Yep--lots of people SAY they could not forgive a family member but they are NOT in your shoes. Of you love your brother, and generally think he is of good character, I think you should talk to him. Do your parents have contact w/him or contact info?
He is probably feeling judged and guilty.
It's not OUR job to "judge" someone.
Just because he made bad decisions, doesn't mean he's a bad person.
He's your brother--call him. Your SIL doesn't need to be involved in your relationship with your sibling.
He's family and he could possibly use some support. He might have been ashamed to admit his fault.
What a crumby situation! :( I certainly wouldn't disown your brother but he has definitely made some mistakes. I would want to know this new baby too and have him/her in my life. I would definitely encourage the ex and your brother to make sure your brother is in the life of his oldest child. This is by far the BIGGEST mistake he is making! He is abandoning his first child and I can guarantee the day will come where this has a serious negative impact on that child's life. It's going to take some time before everyone is getting along but he CANNOT abandon his oldest. Children need their father more than anyone realizes. We hear this statement over and over but I'm not sure many people understand what it means until it's too late. It's complicated. Anyway, I would really encourage him to make things right (at least decent) with his ex and his oldest child.
