Hi,
I am engaged to the most wonderful man I have ever met. Funny, thoughtful & we get along great...however, he was married to a woman for 30 years & she became ill & eventually took her own life. They had two grown children & two small grandchildren. In the beginning I had to establish some bounderies in regards to the deceased wife. With time & on his own he has taken down pictures, mementos & is even remodeling the house to suit me. I tragically lost my parents (at separate times) & have been through a sad divorce so I understand loss. I also read a book on my particular subject & I know this is just "life" & I need to deal...& I do. But it would be really nice to have someone to talk to from time to time or just to get some input from someone else who's been with a widower. Cant even compare to an ex...it's entirely different. His whole family is awesome to me & I could not ask for a better instant family. I am very fortunate. Anyone have stories to share??? Thanks, C.
Candice,
I lvoe Stacey B's comments. I think honoring your fiance's deceased wife will serve you best in the end. I'm sure he loves you but I can imagine all the emotions he's feeling. If you can work on a way to honor her together or help him find a way for he and his children to honor her, I think that it will be of great comfort to all.
You're on the right track and he's luck to have you.
God bless you,
M.
Hi C.,
First of all, congratulations on your engagement!! It sounds like you have found a wonderful man with a loving extended family who has embraced you; what a gift!
I am actually not writing you as someone who has married a widow, but as the child of a widow who remarried. When my mother remarried after my father had passed away, I was really happy that she had found a wonderful companion who she could share her life with. My stepfather had been divorced from his first wife, and I watched him go through many of the same feelings and concerns that you are sharing here, and I thought my insights might be helpful for you.
It is fortunate for your husband-to-be that you have also loved people who have passed away; more than someone who hasn't gone through that type of loss, you have that place of reference and can use it compassionately. You are right; while divorce has its own pain, losing a spouse by death is not the same as a divorce at all. Indeed, sometimes, it can be harder to recover from a divorce because of all the additional issues that come with that (betrayal, loss of trust, the unresolvedness of it, etc.).
As my mother has said, the love and marriage that she shared with my father was one chapter in her book of life, and her love and marriage to my stepfather is yet another chapter. Both are great chapters; one is the past, and the other is the present. While is is understandable to have feelings of jealousy, your husband loves you for you, and there's no reason to compare yourself to his first wife. There is no "other woman" and you can't "lose" him to her. He loves you -- and you know from his past marriage that he's a one-woman kind of guy.
My guess is that if you had met this woman, you two would be good friends. You probably have similar values: you both love and were drawn to the same kind of man. I imagine that if the 25-year ago version of this woman and your husband had moved into your neighborhood, you'd like them and welcome them.
Additionally, there are probably lots of things your future husband learned about being a great husband from being in a successful marriage for 30 years. He will bring these into his marriage to you. That is a gift you have, so to speak, from his first wife. So try not to look at this woman as an adversary, but as an ally. You don't need to compete with her; just be yourself, that is the woman your husband-to-be is in love with.
Which brings me to closeness and boundaries. I understand the need to set boundaries; they're a good thing. However, ask yourself what your motivation is for the boundaries you are setting. If they stem from jealousy or insecurity, it might be good to reexamine them, perhaps with a therapist.
The more your husband can feels he can share with you about his life before you -- which includes memories of his first wife -- the closer it will bring you two in your present marriage. Your being open and good listener about his past doesn't diminish your present life together, quite the opposite. It accents what a wonderful, loving, giving, solid partner your husband-to-be has found in you. There's tons of love to go around, and your being open about the love that existed in your husband's life before you met will only add to the love you two will create in your marriage together.
You have a unique opportunity to share not only in the future you have together, but to reap the rewards of the closeness and the good times he had with his first wife by encouraging your husband to share memories of those with you. Then, instead of him having a 'secret garden' walled away in his heart, reserved only for his feelings for his first wife, where he knows you do not want to enter, he will be able to share all of his heart with you, including the places she had touched. Then, truly, there will not be any place in his heart for comparison, because there won't be anywhere in his heart that you do not know, and love.
Your husband was blessed to find you and to have the opportunity to have a wonderful marriage with you. I wish you both every happiness.
you sound like a very blessed lady good luck!!
I have a wonderful friend that lost her husband to cancer in his late 40's and another friend that lost his wife to cancer too. They do have a different feeling than a divorced person. Good luck on your journey. The male friend has just begun to refurbish, paint and new carpet, new bedding, etc. It's important to let them make that move, it takes time and yet it's great to see them become their own person. Alot of healing!!!
Hello C.. I can relate to your experience. I just wanted to add that I don't think it's a good idea for him to rid his house of pictures of his deceased wife - she was an important figure in his life for 30 years, and I'm quite sure he loved her. I think he should be allowed to have some, or maybe one (bare minimum) pictures of her in the house. She is a part of who he is, and to deny that is to deny him.
C.,
I am married to a wonderful man who lost his pregnant wife on 9/11. In the beginning it was very challenging and I felt very ____@____.com we were dating, pictures were all over the house, clothes in the closet etc......I left it to him to decide when these things needed to be removed. Believe me, I wanted him to take them down, but needed to put myself in his situation. ...wondering how I would feel. Not only was he suffering for her loss but also had survivors guilt and many other horrible emotions that go along with 9/11. Most of my friends couldnt believe that I would ALLOW this to continue. Eventually, he made the decision and gave her clothes to her mother and donated her furniture to charity. We have a beautiful chest with all their memories...pictures, cards, wedding video etc. I cant tell you how many times my husband thanks and appreciates me for being supportive and patient. Throughout it all, I knew he loved ME and it would always be a different love than he shared with his deceased wife. As time passes, we now talk openly and often about her and their memories they have shared. I have no feeling of insecurities because we slowly worked through these issues and have become a very strong couple. Every year we memorilize his late wife together and I've come to feel as if I knew her. The bottom line is , over time, things get easier and if your supportive and secure with yourself and your relationship you can have a healthy loving relationship
