I'm posting this for my best friend. She recently got engaged. As the wedding planning begins, her fiance is insisting that one of his ex-girlfriends be invited to the wedding. Here are some facts:
1) Yes, he slept with her. I'm getting the details on how long they dated and how long ago. Will post an update.
2) My friend has met the EX and the EX was very rude to her. Fiance says it was because she was drunk (EX). He told my friend that she needs to "get over it" - meaning the fact that EX was rude to her.
3) The EX is UNhappily married and fiance has told my friend this in the past.
4) My friend and fiance have had an issue with her before because he insisted on one-on-one lunches with her. He HAS invited my friend to come along, but she has no interest in being friends with the EX.
5) It should be noted that fiance was a "player" until he met my friend (a year ago) and my friend has dealt with many of his EXes. At least two of which live in the townhome complex they live in and also his personal trainer. Most have been more than nice to her. This one wasn't.
My friend really just doesn't want this woman at their wedding or in their lives. She doesn't see a reason for it. She's upset because her fiance seems to be putting the importance of a relationship with an EX over her feelings.
I'm really looking for some thoughts on this.
Thanks Mama's.
UPDATE: I found out that fiance and EX dated for a 1.5 - 2 years. It was in high school and some of college. Since then, they "hooked up" on and off.
Maybe she should invite a few of her ex's to the wedding, or do one on one lunches, and see how he likes it.
Hi T.-
Well I have been around the block before and have intimacy issues which is why I got divorced and it was 10 years of other women. Honestly, to me it sounds like he still has feelings for this woman and I would BET you that their are still relations.
If I were her, I would be very careful-if this is an issues now, it will only grow. Ex's are ex's for reason that is why they are ex's. NO way-the one on one lunches what is this guy thinking? Trying to have the best of both worlds? No means no and if he really loves this girl she will demand that the ex hits the highway and I really hope she does not get her heart broken. Tough love....
Um...this whole situation sounds really suspicious, I think most couples have an unspoken agreement that no opposite sex friends get one-on-one time. Sure there may be some relationships that allow for exceptions, but it is just wiser to err on the side or prudence and respect for each other. If the relationship is great, why complicate matters-there is no one I'd rather be with than my husband, so I want him to be part of as many things I do as possible (except our weekly girls night and his simultaneous guys night). There is no way I would ever agree to him or he to me having special lunches/dates etc with an opposite sex friend-especially not one I was romantically involved with. It is just inconsiderate, not to mention inappropriate.
I know this must be difficult, and it would be very easy for me to say "this is ridiculous dump this guy," however, I understand that this can be complicated or else you wouldn't be asking for advice. It would be hard for your friend to simply walk away from this because she obviously has invested her life and future with this man, so they must have something worth holding on to.
Having said this, if this man does not see any problem with this situation then your friend really needs to reassess the strength of the relationship she thinks they have. (This is coming from my husband after I shared the story) His feeling is that any guy should know that seeing an ex while dating is taboo, not to mention if engaged or about to wed. Encourage her to stick to her guns now because the foundation for their marriage is being set now-who else will pop up later?
I think men and women can be friends after a relationship if the circumstances are right. I had exes at my wedding and it wasn't an issue because they are just FRIENDS. That being said, with all the stuff you are describing about the fiance and ex, if I was your friend I would be running as fast as I could in the other direction not down the aisle. A marriage should be built on mutual respect for eachother, this guy doesn't care enough to honor his soon-to-be wife's simple wishes. As I said, I had exes at my wedding (and yes guys I had slept with, gasp)but it was not a secret from my husband. If he had expressed any discomfort I gladly would have left them out of our wedding day. Ultimately that day was about me and him and it didn't matter who else was there when push comes to shove. I don't think it is about wether he slept with the girl or not. They dated, people have sex when they date in an adult relationship much of the time. If the fact that they had a prior relationship of any kind makes her uncomfortable, the guy should respect that. He sounds like a jerk (again just from you describe) and I don't see this being a happily ever after in my opinion.
Wow.....Is this guy really desperate to add to the guest list?? :) I say your friend should invite some of her ex's as well & they can all share notes on eachother. That is SOOOOO tacky!! Absolutely no EX's... No drama at the wedding. This is the COUPLE's day.. not a day to relive old memories with an ex. If the fiance really insists.. I'd tell your friend to question if they should even get married. Maybe that will make him see the light! Good luck to your friend, and what a wonderful friend you are to seek advice for her. :)
I hope your friend "reads" your post as you have written it. I would hope that the "lightbulb" would go on and she would recognize that she has bigger problems with her engagement than "whether her fiance's EX should be invited to the wedding." That's her biggest problem???? Oh... brother!
It doesn't really matter that you posted 5 good points - the only point that should matter to each of them is ... the other woman obviously makes your friend uncomfortable (for obvious reasons - and her fiance is just being plain stupid if he says he doesn't understand why!!!) and, out of love for his future bride, he would honor her request, if he was a stand-up kind of guy. My husband and I approach our marriage the same way - if something truly makes the other person uncomfortable, it's not worth the effort. If they can't learn to compromise during their engagement...their marriage will be challenging. The issue is "not whether an EX will be attending the wedding... if your friend was comfortable with her and got along with her - there wouldn't be an issue". If they went to lunch together - it could be an amusing time, even a way for your friend to get to know more about her fiance!
Sorry, but your friend needs a serious wakeup call! 1-The fiance has no respect or empathy for your friend's justified feelings about this. The whole scenario is one red flag after another. 2-Your friend deserves a man who will put her first. What the ex is doing is sneaky, manipulative, and 100% not trustworthy. Tell her to move on to a real man before it's too late.
Absolutely NO Ex's at the wedding. I don't even think they should still be friends, but that is a whole other issue! He seems like he wants the best of both worlds and isn't quite ready to let go of the Ex. I think she should be very careful with his guy. Sounds like a heartbreak waiting to happen. I feel bad for your friend. But if he really loves her, he should be ok with letting this Ex. Go!!!!
Three of my husband's exes were invited to our wedding, and two made it - and one of them is now one of my best friends! I guess I'm in the minority here, but I think the fact that someone is an ex should not necessarily make them persona non grata. However, your friend's situation sounds very different - that ex sounds toxic! It's odd that the finance seems so much more concerned about his friend/ex's feelings than his wife-to-be's. But, if your friend trusts her husband-to-be (and boy, she should run if she doesn't!), she should drop it and let the woman come. Kill her with kindness - don't draw a battle line!
I'm sure this is not what your friend wants to hear but she needs to move on and NOT marry this man. Promise, promise, promise, he will cheat on her. Just give it some time.
Strangely I am about to attend an ex wedding so I hope you aren't talking about me :-). Of course I have not had one-on-one lunches with said ex. I think if they are friend, there really isn't that much of an issue with her coming. I invited my ex to my wedding, but I ABSOLUTELY talk to my husband about it first. If he had shown any hesitation, then no invitation. I think that pretty simple. I definitely think meeting an ex without you bride-to-be is not right. It's fine to remain friends, but that means she is a friend of the couple not just the husband!
I would not want her there either. This day is about your friend and her fiance starting a life together. If he can't get married without his ex there something is wrong. He should want nothing more than to make his future bride happy and comfortable.Sounds like there are someother issues that need to be discussed before she walks down the aisle with him.
Quite a few of my husband's ex's were at our wedding including the birth mother of my oldest son and most of her family! Most people thought me nuts, but I won, I got him, and we're happy together. End of story.
That said, warning bells go up that he won't hear her concerns. I had no concerns inviting these women, in fact I invited them. So not the same situation. I get the feeling, admittedly the info is a little one-sided, that he will cheat on her. The rule is know someone 2 years before marriage, then you can really know them. Just my two cents.
Good luck to your friend!
D.
If he's this disinterested in being flexible and kind to your friend at this early stage, I can't imagine 20 years from now he'll be any nicer or more understanding. I'd dump him. Life's too short to be treated this way by someone who supposedly loves you.
UH NO!!!! I'm divorced and have 2 kids w/my ex husband and although we get along GREAT for the sake of our kids-he is not coming to our wedding in sept. Your friends fiance shouldnt even make such an insane request. My thoughts are that there is more going on between the ex and the fiance. Furthermore-why in the world would the ex even want to go to their wedding. If your friends fiance isnt respectful of her feelings about this than that is a sign of what to come and thats not good....best of luck to her!!!
If he can't accept her feelings on this, what will they ever agree on? I think they need a serious heart to heart and maybe not get married. I don't care how secure you are in your relationship having someone there that has had sex with your signifigant other is just uncomfortable. He needs to respect her feelings or she needs to move on.
