Widow at 26 - Clovis,CA

Updated on May 06, 2009
M.M. asks from Sanger, CA
5 answers

Its been a little past 5 years since my First husband passed away. And some nights like tonight are still so hard to get through. Here is a bit on the back story if your wanting to know. I met Nick on the internet my senior year of high school (1996) and first met in 2000, by 2001 he moved here to ca from South Carolina (leaving every thing he knew behind just for me) and 2002 we were engaged and Oct 2003 we were married. He was 24 I was 26. I had been having some issues with feeling pretty and talked to a friend about the situation, so one night we went to the mall and got oils, cute nighties and I was supposed to suprize him when he came home from work. Which I did.. and every thing was fine until wile making love Nick had a major stroke and was rushed to the hospital where the next day he had another stroke which caused brain death. After being an organ donor he was taken off life support and passed away Jan 17th 2004. Which was only 3 months after we were married.

So now its been 5 years and I still have nights where that night plays in my head. I feel responsible for his death. Even though every one says it wasn't. I feel that if I didn't start the love making that night that maybe he would still be here. Nick was an amazing person, so full of joy, love, he had a kind heart but had a wild side to him that made him so much fun to be around. I miss that.. I miss him. Now im remarried, I have 2 step sons who when I married their dad were just starting to hit teenage-dom and needed a mother. And I feel god lead me to them. And now I have a 1 year old daughter of my own and I look at her and realize that She came from me and my 2nd husband (Aaron) And that with out loosing nick I never would of had her. And I would not want to trade them for the world. Yet part of me wishes I could of had a chance with Nick. I think about what a good husband he was and how amazing of a father he would of been. I miss playing games with him, and just talking to him. Then I look at my life now and I get upset with myself cuz I would love to just have him here, but I would never give up my family now... Its hard to explain. I just feel like we did every thing right. we waited till marriage before having sex, we didn't move in together until we were married. I feel like we got the short end of the stick. I feel like the devil and angel on your shoulder kind of thing. What if he was still alive - then I wouldn't have my Daughter, Sons, Husband now.
I don't know if any one is going to read this whole thing. But if you do. Thank you for letting me ramble. Its 1:27 am and I couldn't sleep, and was feeling like I needed to just get this off my chest. I MISS YOU NICK..

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More Answers

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J.M.

answers from Fresno on

Your feelings sound perfectly normal for what you have been through. You loved Nick and wanted a life with him and you were robed of that. His death was tragic, but he died knowing you loved him. Nick had something very wrong with his health and would have died from a stroke very soon, even if you had not made love. He died being close to his wife, rather then at work or driving alone. I think if he had a choice he would have chosen to die the way he did. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You were a good wife.

And now you have gone on with your life, that is the best thing you could do. You have a new family and I am sure they love and need you. It is ok to let yourself be happy
and enjoy your family.

Please take good care of your self
J.

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J.K.

answers from Fresno on

I am so sorry for your loss. You are in no way responsible for his death. As someone who had a massive stroke just after my 40th birthday I know that there is no way of telling one could happen and no way to stop it. He would have had it whether you were making love or watching tv. Don't beat yourself up. You are blessed in that not everyone finds love twice in a lifetime. Love the family you have and have a great life.

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D.D.

answers from Fresno on

I kindof know where your coming from my son passed in 06. he was 2 and1/2. I love my family I have 2 girls and 1 on the way. of which was born just 4 months before he passed. Anyway I am not just I would have had more babies when he was with us I was happy with my two. Life is a hard thing to get through each day at the thought that I cant wake up to his face and her his voice. But I think he would be happy for us to see our happy family we have now.

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J.A.

answers from San Francisco on

Hi M.-
I am not sure just what to say, but I just wanted to offer you some encouragement. It sounds like it has been a tough road and I really feel for you. I think it is a blessing that you found another great guy. What you had with Nick was special and it ended tragically but you are so fortunate to have had those 3 months of marriage. It helps me to be thankful for the good things in my life and not focus on the bad things. You are right to realize that without that happening you would not have your daughter, sons and husband. I am sure you are a huge blessing to your current husband and the boys. And you would not trade your daughter for anything, so try not to focus on what "could have been", it will rob joy from your life.

I will keep you in my prayers. Hope you have a better day.
J. :-)

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L.H.

answers from Fresno on

I am so very sorry for your loss. Even though I have never been in a situation such as yours, it seems normal to me to have the feelings you are experiencing. Have you considered counseling? Grief counseling can make a world of difference.

Blessings, L.

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