My Grandmother Is Dying/ Husband Not Supportive

You are lucky to have such a wonderful grandmother.

Your husband is not being "not supportive," he just doesn't know what to do, and isn't good at responding to this type of situation. Many men are like that. This is a time to go to your girlfriends for sympathy and emotional support. They usually know what to do and say a lot better than men do.

Don't blame or be mad at your husband. He can't help it that he has no idea what to say to you. It's common among men.

I have been through grief, losing my Dad. He was ill for a while, before he died.
He was EVERYTHING to me, just as you described your Gram. Almost to a "T".
My Father, was the only one, who has ever truly accepted me for who I am... all my life. And he was always happy, whenever I walked in a room.
For that, which he instilled in me, I an eternally very grateful.

But what I have also learned is this:
Not everyone, no matter how close we may be to them, whether it is via marriage or siblings or close friends... no one single person... can 'be' all that we need, at times of sadness and strife.
As such, we need to reach out to others... to those who CAN provide that comfort to us. Some people can do that, some can't. Even if it may be a Husband.

Unless your Husband has a history of belittling you or ignoring your needs or being mean.... I would, not consider his reaction, as being cold. Maybe, he is just not able... to deal with death or illness. Not everyone can. MAYBE he is also saddened by your Gram's condition... but he can't express that. Maybe, he is affected deeply as well... but, he has his own way of dealing with it.

But... not everyone, can be an "everything" to someone. Even if that is your own Spouse.
I learned that, even in my own life. And from reflecting on my Dad's life... and him in conjunction with his own marriage and his relationship with me/my siblings. And me in my own marriage.
Not everyone... is an "everything" all the time. My Husband is not, always.
But... it does not mean, they love you less, or not enough, or not good enough... it may just mean, that they are imperfect. And, we must accept that... even if in our own Spouse.

Again, unless your Husband has a HISTORY of being a jerk to you... I would not, condemn him off the cuff.
Perhaps, he just cannot fulfill that in himself nor for you... in this type of grieving....

BUT, ultimately, I believe it does have to be discussed... with your Husband. Not in an accusatory way.... but just so THAT... there will be no resentment... in the future... about how he and you handled this and such deep sad feelings.. about your Gram. It can either divide the both or you... or not. But, I feel, your Husband does need to know, how his "coldness" makes/made you feel.

I also recommend, finding a 'grief support' group. I am not saying because she is dying or passed on... but because, it will help, with these feelings of coping... with such big changes.... and in a sense her illness and change in quality of life... does, trigger a sense of "grieving' for your past experiences, together and what was. You and Gram.... are and always are.. special.
You are very lucky, to have that relationship with your Gram. With someone in your life like that.... I miss, my Dad, just for that reason. It can never be replaced. So, you accept that....

Thank you as well... for helping me to again, remember my Dad. Tonight, as I read your post.
I often wish... I still could experience, his happy smile on, whenever I walked in a room. I miss that.

all the best,
Susan

Amy,
What a blessing your grandmother has been to you and you to her! You are lucky to have shared such a close bond together.
All I can offer is three things:
1. Maybe your husband is trying to "be strong" for you so you can hold onto some hope. That's kind of what men do. When they cannot "fix" something they're kind of out of their element.
2. Call your mom and talk, cry together. This will get you through this hard time. Do/be with whoever you need to to feel your feelings and people with similar feelings are the most comforting becasue they know what you are feeling for your gram.
3. I'm so glad you & your grandmother got a chance to express your love for each other in person. My feeling is you can't do to much of that when the end is nearing. Tell her all she means and has meant to you. The hours she spent singing to your daughter, the vacations you shared, the cooking she did for you when you had your baby. This will be of great comfort to her and will reinforce to her just how loved she is! And it will be of comfort to you in the years to come.
4. When the time comes that the end is very close, lean to your grandmothers ear and tell her you'll be OK without her becasue she's taught you so very much about life.

I'm not Catholic, but I am praying for your grandmother that HIS perfect will for her be done. I'm sorry you are going through this. God Bless.

People grieve and handle personal life challenges in all sorts of ways. It wouldn't surprise me that the coldness that you are seeing right now with your husband is really his way of keeping a tight rain on his emotions lest he lose it and give in to the grief and the sadness. Some people are very in touch with their emotions and deal with the grief and the sadness as it comes. I suspect that you are one of those people. Others also feel those feelings but keep it bottled up inside because they either don't know how to express it or are afraid how overwhelming the pain may be if they let it out. I'm thinking maybe that is your husband.

This is a very difficult time for you and your family. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this and will definitely send a prayer up for your grandmother and the rest of your family. Please don't make a snap decision about what your husband may or may not be feeling, or what he should or should not be doing just yet. Give this sometime to play out and maybe talk to him a little bit about it after you have had a chance to recover some.

Sending you blessings and light.

Hi Amy,

I feel your pain. I've lost my 4 grandparents and my uncle almost back to back over the last few years. It was really tough and emotionally overwhelming. My husband reacted the same as yours, not very supportive.

I realized after controling my emotions that he could not understand what I felt, because he did not have a relationship with his grandparents. Because he didn't know what I was feeling, he didn't know what I needed.

Additionally, everyone grieves differently. Men are also fixers, so he may not know what to do to fix this, so he does nothing.

I know this is tough on you, instead of getting mad because he is not doing what you need, tell him what you need. I do this with my husband and it helps.

R. Magby

Page is correct, there are many people that just have no idea what to say in these situations. Some of them have not dealt with death and do not like to even think about it.

You sound like you came from a family like mine. We are Hispanic and are up close and personal about every part of our lives and then death. We know what to say, because we have large close knit families and our children attend the funerals go to the hospitals and just accept death as normal. It does not frighten us, instead we know we need to mourn. That we need to tell our loved ones we love you and will miss you , thank you even while we know they are dying and they know that they are dying.

I am sorry about your beautiful and loving grandmother. you are lucky to have been so loved. You will always carry her with you, because you will tell her stories, prepare her meals and set the same examples to your child/children.

Hug your husband, but do not be too hard on him. This is just out of his element. Do what you have to do spending as much time as you need with your grandmother. Let your husband know you need this time with her and you appreciate him being at home and taking care of things while you go through all of this.

Amy I am so sorry, reading your post is like looking at a reflection in the mirror. My Gram meant the world to me as well and I too had to let her go. I suspect your husband doesn't know how to comfort you, most men don't.

I know how much your Gram meant to you because I had Sunday dinners with my Grandmother too. I went to school up the hill from her house and I would call her and tell her I was going to catch a ride down the hill and when I got there, the house smelled of breakfast, waiting for me. My mother used to bribe me to do things with a drop off at my Grandmother's. I could go on and on of fond memories that I had with her, however, now I realize how fortunate I am that she put them there for me. (You as well.) After my Grandfather passed and then my Dad passed, I bought my first Condo less than a mile away from her with the idea that I would be right there to assist her whenever she needed it. She didn't drive, so I used to take her grocery shopping and to church every Sunday. I can only tell my husband how much he would have loved her if he knew her. Once she knew his favorite dish, she would have it made when she knew he was on the way, but he never got to meet her. My husband on the other hand never had such a relationship with any of his family, to my knowledge. His mother makes comments about our gatherings that we make too big an issue over a birthday etc. My husband received a call from his father for his birthday, but only to get his mothers telephone number, as he had forgotten it was hubby's birthday. With that said, my husband doesn't do well in comforting me when it comes to similar struggles. When his Grandfather passed, I offered to drive him to California to be with his family and his mother said no. I thought perhaps it was my presence that was the issue so I offered to stay away at a hotel while he goes and she still said no. I told him he needed the closure and he refused to go because his mother said no, so he went to work and never seemed to look back again. If he did he never mentioned to me. I don't get it, but that is just the way they are as a family. Perhaps your husband just doesn't know what to do. I guess I never understood this until his Grandfather passed and it was all handled so differently.

I used to have a lot of struggles during the holidays because my Father passed on Christmas Eve. My hubby never really understood this and never offered much comforting. I felt alone too, but in retrospect, I am sure it is just a matter of he didn't understand why I had such a hard time.

Try not to be upset with your husband. Let him do what he can in his own way while you get through this in your way. The hardest words my Mother offered me was I couldn't hold on to my Grandmother forever...as true as it was it angered me to no end. All it did was give me someone to be angry at for my forthcoming loss. Try not to be angry at him, I am sure he loves both of you very much, he just doesn't know how to help.

Again, I am sorry you have to go through this. Save all those special memories to share with your baby girl.

God Bless.

Very well said Page!

Well my dear, I am not Catholic but married one. We can all send up prayers for Frances and the strength of her loved ones!

My first thought was to dump the sh**head!! If he can not offer compassion. . .
But as an older woman who has been married a while and a nurse, I realize that people process their grief differently. And that some absolutely have no idea how to show their feelings! He may very well be feeling your pain but have NO CLUE how to relay or show it!

Try to roll with it with your husband as best you can. Seek a grief counselor in your area and run, don't walk to talk to him or her. Talk to your priest. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow in.

In good health,

First off, I am very sorry to hear about your grandmother. Losing a loved one, especially one that has been such a major impact in your life, is extremely hard. I wish you and your family the strength that you all need to make it through this very difficult time.

As for your husband, I did not read through the other responses, but has he experienced the loss or illness of a loved one? Maybe he is uncomfortable and really doesn't know what to say/do so instead he keeps his distance or says something that he thinks is being helpful. It might even freak him out a bit to see you so distraught. Your grandmother sounds like a wise woman and if she loved your husband from the start then I'm guessing he's a pretty decent guy. You may want to have a conversation with him where you ask him about what his feelings are and letting him know what you need from him in order to help you get through this. Men are fixers and will often say/do things that they think is helpful but really isn't. Maybe what you need is for him to just let you vent without making a comment, just hold you and listen.

I hope that all makes sense. Good luck and God bless!

I haven't read what the others have said so I may be repeating others, but here is my opinion.

When my aunt was in the hospital going through chemo and every one else went to visit her, I stayed home. It wasn't that I didn't want to see her... It was that I wanted to remember her as what she looked like before she got sick.

Maybe your husband feels the same way?

First of all, I am so sorry about your grandmother. You are so blessed to have had someone like her in your life for so long.

As for hubby, he sounds just like mine. He just doesn't know how to handle it. He knows you're hurting, but he has NO CLUE what to do to help you. It's okay, it's just a guy thing. He needs to know what you need from him. If you tell him what you need, he'll love it because then he has a mission and he knows how to go about that mission. He's feeling helpless right now as he sees his wife in such pain. Men are "fixers." Tell him what he needs to do to get you on the mend. In the meantime, go to your girlfriends or mom or a favorite aunt to get the emotional part that he can't give you.

Again, I'm sorry about your grandmother.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Men and women think differently. Your husband knows you are hurting and he also knows nothing he says can make it go away. He is probably afraid of making your pain worse. Your Mom is a woman and understands your pain. Especially if this is her mother. Tell your husband you want him to hold you while you cry. Tell him what you need.

Our family went thru a similar situation with my grandmother. She was 94 and had a stroke. My Mom went to CA to stay with her mother for a month in the hospital and help her sister. They had to make the decision for DNR. That is a horrible decision to make. The good news is my grandmother was Catholic and knew where she was going. My Mom had to see my Grandmother in such a horrible state, but in someways it helped her to let her mother go. It was not a quality of life Mimi would have wanted.

I will pray for your Frances and the rest of your family. Cry and let it out. Be thankful to have such an amazing woman for a mentor.

Hugs & Prayers

Your grandmother to you is what my grandfather was to me. His death rocked my world and he was 103 when he died. He lived with me the last 2 years of his life and was in perfect health, till his body just started to give up on him. My husband loved my grandfather and was kind to me but wasn't as supportive either. As my grandfather was nearing the end, I asked him why he was being distant and unsupportive. He said he never had anyone close to him die, his bio dad died a year before but that was a hateful man and my hubs had no relationship with him, he said he didn't know what to say and he was afraid to make me more upset. He just didn't know how to handle it so his way as not to handle it and basically pretend everything was fine. Of course this was no comfort to me but I can't blame him for not understanding what I was going through. So I commiserated with my sister who was as equally upset as me and got through it. At the wake and funeral my hubs was a mess. He cried and was so sad becasue he was actually for the first time, experiencing a close personal death. You are going through such a horrible time right now, if your husband can't be the one you lean on then lean on your mom. Don't resent your hubs, because you said he was wonderful and your gram loves him, he is handeling it the only way he can. I am Catholic and will say prayers for Frances and my little boy will as well. I feel your pain and I am so sorry that your grandmothers time is near. Just be with her as you have always been and thank God your little girl got to know her. My son was 3 when my grandfather past 4 years ago and talks about him almost daily. Keep the memories alive and your grandmother will always be with you. You and your family are in my prayers.