Why's That Baby Black?

I think you're over-thinking.

"When you want to ask a question about a person, whisper to mommy. It's not polite to talk about people in a loud voice".

Don't make it a "race" issue. It could be a disability, homosexuality, PDA, that girl has a large chest, that boy has a birthmark, that kid has braces on his legs, that man isn't wearing a shirt, that girl has earrings that pull her ears down to her shoulders, that man has writing (tattoos) all over him, that woman has creases in her face question.

What you're teaching is basic etiquette. Don't make it anything more.

Don't shush him next time or he will get the idea that race is a taboo topic. Just answer his questions matter-of-factly. There is nothing wrong with a child noticing how people are different.

Why is it that he has NEVER seen a black person or baby?

I would probably start by explaining that different people have different color skin. Hold your arm next to his and compare. I'll bet your (white) arm is a different shade than his (white) arm, right?
Don't overthink it. If you make it a big deal it will be a big deal. It's not a big deal.

ETA: This Q reminds me of the story where the little boy asks his parents where he came from. They stammer, stutter, get embarrassed. They drew diagrams, read him books and gave the complete "birds and bees" talk in spite of their discomfort.
The son responded: "Wow. Jimmy's parents said they came from Poland."

Well if he has mild autism I will go with what I would say to Andy, skin color is determined by proximity to the equator of your ancestors. Your body produces more, can't remember the name of what makes you darker, to protect you from too much vitamin D which you get from sunlight. That is also why we tan in the summer. Over time those that could not produce enough, still can't remember, didn't survive so over time people became darker close to the equator.

This is also why the people farthest from the equator have very pale skin.

He would be happy with that because really that was all he was asking. :)

it happens a lot, especially when you live in a small midwest town!

My son was about 2 or 3 when it happened. We were in the big city, & fortunately the family was open to allowing my son to express his curiosity. They encouraged my son to touch/feel their baby's skin. & the best part was when the mom felt my son's headful of wiry curls & encouraged him to compare his curls to her child's! What a wonderful sharing moment....

Oh, & my immediate response was, "I am soooo sorry! We live in a little bitty town in the middle of MO". That started the ball rolling, & my son is now 15 & I am still thankful for that family's wonderful reaction! :)

Thanks for bringing back one of my best memories of my son's moments!

Hey E.,

My son sometimes blurts out these sorts of comments and he's almost five. Kids aren't trying to be provocative--they just know that if you don't understand something, you ask a question.

This is a great time to teach your son about why people have the colors of skin they do have. There's a great book I used with my preschoolers (and is suitable for early primary grades) called "All the Colors We Are" by Katie Kissinger. It explains how we inherit our skin color from our parents, grandparents and ancestors; how melanin develops more prominently in people who have historically lived in hotter, sunnier areas of the world, and how families can have children from parents who may be of the same or differing races, and what that looks like. There are also some great activities to use at the end of the book. (If I remember correctly, there's a teaching guide on each page with question prompts.)

I would personally only answer the questions your son asks, and as simply as possible. This doesn't need to be a bigger discussion on race or history unless your son asks questions pertinent to those topics.

My family is multi-racial (my mother's second husband was Filipino) and questions didn't bother us. I personally would rather hear a question about my half-sister, who is darker than I am with differing features, than have to fend off assumptions.

And answering your son's question about 'why is that baby black' is simple--just explain that both of his parents (I'm assuming here) have dark skin, so the child has dark skin. The book I suggested will give you a lot to help with your question. Good luck!

I haven't read the other responses so I apologize if I'm repeating.

My kids are mixed, so they see a white mom and a black dad every day of their lives. They are no different when we spend time around my family versus my husband's family.

I think if people make a big deal about color, that's when it becomes an issue. Make sense? So the baby is black because all people are different and that's just one way your son and her baby are different. They have different parents, different personalities, different interests, etc. All people are different. And it goes far beyond skin color.

I know in the moment it can be hard to not try to shh him, but try to not do that, just tell him it's not polite to talk about people.

I also think someone is always going to be offended. There is no way around that. So you just have to do your thing. I use color to decribe people same as I would hair, shirt, shoes, noise level, etc...It's a description, and that's all. At least that's all it is in my world.

My husband is no differen than I am (other than his head isn't always screwed on correctly) and neither is his side of the family. I do not feel out of place (nor do my very light skinned children) when we are at the family reunions for his side.

Color is just color, unless we make something bigger out of it.

I think OneandDone's answer is all you needed. We grownups can think so much into everything, when little one's may just need a short and sweet response ; )

my daughter asked when she was 2 in line at the cash register and i wasnt embarassed at all, i gave a watered down version of Jo's answer since she was two. They dont see race as a bad thing, they J. honestly want to know why theres a diference. The same as if she asks why someone is in a wheel chair...she isn't prejudice, she would play with them the same, she J. wants to know why. I don't think its bad for him to ask, or its impolite its natural.

The baby is black because the mom/dad/parents are-simple!

Your definitely over thinking it. You can simply answer the question. "Not all babies are the same color as you and me, just like not all adults are. Some are black, some are B., some are really pale, some are tan. That's just how we are made. Nobody is exactly the same as everyone else. It doesn't make anyone better because we're all human beings" He's six, so this should suffice. My son is half black and his half sister (who is 100% black) first saw him and said " why is he is he white like you and not black like me?" I told her "He's half black and half white which is why he's lighter then you but darker then me. He's still your brother though even though he's lighter." She found this sufficient.

OneandDone AND Wickerparkgirl are both right. You can explain the colors just like she said. That is all it is: different colored skin. The end.
But, you should explain to him that any time he has a question about someone, that it is impolite to ask it loudly where they can hear it, when you aren't going to ask that person directly. Either take a moment to the side and ask it in private, or wait until you have privacy at a later time to ask the question. Just like you don't STARE at someone who has something noticeable about them. And when in doubt (about whether it is appropriate to ask them directly) then don't. Save the question for mom or dad, for a later time.

my 4 year old daughter did this in the check out line. she asked me why the baggers skin was brown (she was black)... i got the deer in the head lights look and told her that god makes us all different and special. some people have dark skin and others have light skin.

That's how God made him.

No reason to shush a reasonable question, just smile & say God made us all differently so it wouldn't be such a boring place:)

I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's fine to notice differences! Just for fun, I have travelled all over the world and in many small villages, people have never seen a white person. I actually visited a community in the US where some younger kids had never ventured farther than their housing project and I made a little boy bawl his head off when I crouched down to say hi. His mom cracked up laughing and said he had never seen blond hair and blue eyes before. We had a good laugh about it while his mom tried to explain differences in skin color. Poor lil' guy! I hope I didn't scar him for life! :)

You handled it fine. And it really is etiquette. Reminds me of when my daughter was 4 or 5 yrs old and we were at Walmart. There was an obese woman making her way down the isle and my *sweet* daughter blurts out "daddy, that girl is so fat.."
Kids have to be taught these things, lesson learned for me on that day.

We have always welcomed questions from our kiddos---The way I explained it to our kids is that God made us all special. He gave each of us our own eye color, hair color, skin color and whether we were a boy or a girl. Everyone has something special about them and it is just so cool that we are all different. My kids have understood this and are satisfied with the answers.

I wouldn't go into slavery etc. or anything deep about it---stick to simple and tell him that he isn't in trouble for asking- when you shushed him, it made it sound like he shouldn't have asked. Good luck!

There are sooo many books to help introduce diversity. One that comes to mind is a Sesame Street book called We're Different We're the Same.....

All people look different: tall, short, big, skinny, black, white and anything in between. Most people look a little bit like their mom and a little like their dad, you for example look like...

It is not polite to speak loudly about how other people look, if you have a question you can ask me quietly.

Good luck.

When my ds was almost 3, we were seated in a restaurant. Next to us was a dark-skinned family, with a beautiful little baby boy. I noticed my son observing their little boy, who was obviously enjoying his dinner and smiling and laughing. Then my son exclaimed, in a loud voice for everyone to hear, "Mama, that boy has brown ears!" I have no idea why my ds focused on the ears, or why it didn't occur to him that the boy had brown skin all over, it was just something about the ears that really fascinated him.

We tried covering it up by telling our son, " yes, and your ears are kind of pink, aren't they?" and by mentioning that my dh had brown eyes and I have green eyes. But is sure was awkward!

I think maybe you could tell your son that if he sees something different (a different color hair, skin, a strange clothing choice) that the best thing to do is to ask you when just you two are together. Maybe print out some pictures from the internet with a person with a bright yellow spiked mohawk hairdo, a person in a wheelchair, a very obese person, a person with an artificial limb, people of different races, etc., and include some people without remarkable characteristics to simply observe ("that person has long hair", or "that person has blue eyes".) Have him practice whispering to you "mommy, why does that person have purple hair that sticks up? Mommy, why is that person using a cane? Mommy, why ... etc." Don't stress over the answers, about offending. Simply give a basic answer. "That person needs help to walk", or "that person's skin is a different color from yours" or "that person has a really interesting hair color, doesn't he?". He probably doesn't understand offense at this age, he's just curious. It's ok to wonder, it's just better to learn about privacy and how to be sensitive and that differences are ok. Role play about the safety of asking you, of the safety of a calm, assuring answer from you, and how to ask about something he's curious about.

Kids are kids, they aren't born knowing everything.

By shhhing your son, you kind of made a big deal out of something that's not a big deal.

My 8 year old, when she was in Kindergarten, was the only white kid in her class the first half of the year. All the other kids were either black or Mexican. (And yeah, they're 'black', they are too young to care to call themselves 'African Amercians', it's very literally 'black, white, brown, yellow' at that age, LOL)... anyway, they were soooo confused by my daughters 'white' hair (she's so blonde it's white)... no big deal. At that age, the black kids think blonde hair and blue eyes is different and cool ;)

There's really no explaining that needs to be done, other than 'everyone is different, and that's perfectly okay'. As long as kids aren't slinging racial slurs, curiosity is nothing to be embarrassed about, nothing to 'shhh' ;)

Same goes for when kids see someone missing an arm or leg. They're just different. Someone doesn't speak English? They're just different. Someone wears glasses or has a hearing aid? They're just different. No big deal ;)

It's our differences that make us unique!

I used to babysit these kids from Ghana, who were so black they were blue. My kids are blonde with blue eyes, super white. People used to ask me all the time 'Are they all yours?' and I'd point to my kids and say 'oh I babysit them'... the 8 year old I babysat, Megan, thought that was soooo funny, and she'd say 'yeah, don't I look JUST LIKE my mom?' and hug me. Ooooh they looks we got, LOL!!

I would have probably said skin comes in a lot of shades and the darker color helps protect people who live in hot sunny places from the strong sun. Since the family had actually come from Africa you could have asked them about what is different in their native country.

First of all, I just wanted to say your son didn't say anything wrong. He asked a normal question, it shouldn't have embarrassed your that he said it either.

Let me tell you a funny story that happened to me. My kids are bi-racial, black and white. I took them to see my parents on the airplane, well, when we were at the airport, our plane was delayed and they had a kids area to play. My oldest was 3 and my youngest was 1. My youngest is darker in color than my oldest, and I'm very white. My husband wasn't with us. There was this little black girl who kept watching my son (1 yr) and then looking at me. Then she came up to me and said, "Is that your kid?" I replied, "yes, that is my son". Then she looked at him, looked at me, then said; "what happened"? I couldn't help but laugh, it was so cute, and she was so confused. I told her, he looks like his daddy. I don't think she got it, but she was just curious. It didn't make sense in her head, that's good she asked the question. I wasn't offended at all.

I could tell you more cute stories that have happened to me or experience by having bi-racial children, but most importantly, don't make them feel like they said something wrong. He had never seen a baby so dark, and most likely only been around white people. Let him asked the questions.

At least he's a special needs child.
We are a white family. A few years ago I was shoe shopping with my son (15), since the store was having a BOGO sale and he needed 2 pair we were looking at dress shoes and sneakers. My son picks up a pair of loafers that looked like dance shoes and I said aaahhhh no honey those are dance shoes and you dance like a white boy. OOOOOPs the sales associate was a very nice black man. (but he laughed)

Many years ago probably early 1950's my former in laws were out with friends in Milwaukee and walked into a diner. One of the ladies in the group asked innocently enough 'do you have choc milk?' to a black waitress --someone else in the group spouts out 'does she look like she has choc milk'? Luckily the black lady had a good sense of humor.

I recommend having your child watch some TV shows with black actors. Does he watch sports on TV? I totally get it -- the area I grew up in was very white until the past 20 yrs. To the point that if people saw a black person walking down the street they would stop and watch them. After he watches something on TV that shows a more diversely ethnic cast, gently talk to him about the fact that even though people look different they are all basically the same.

Check out "I'm chocolate, you're vanilla". It's a book for adults, written by a black female doctor and explains how young children see color. Can't remember exactly, but it may have some guidance on talking with your son.

Best wishes!

I wouldn't reprimand him at all. Young kids are really curious about differences and do not mean it as a racist comment at all. My daughter did the same thing and I'd just spin it in a good way. For instance, if your son says the same thing again, you could say in an upbeat positive way, "I know! Isn't it just amazing how we all have different skin, hair, eyes, shapes?! What a beautiful color of black. Here, let me see your arm next to mine. Wow, look how pink you are and how yellow I am." You could also explain that people from different countries are sometimes different colors, etc. Be honest. I am not sure your friend would have been offended had she heard. He was just asking an innocent question, making a truthful observation. And the color of her skin isn't something for anyone to be ashamed about. I do think it's ok to explain to kids that all their questions are good and welcomed by you, but that some are better asked in private because sometimes people feel funny hearing others discuss them. You could give examples -- "a really heavy person might be that way because x, y, and z and it must be hard sometimes to be that big, don't you think? And I think if we talk about that right in front of that man, he'll feel a little embarrassed." I went through all of this - and some fairly embarrassing moments! - but I think handling it nonchalantly and honestly really helped. Good luck!

I've always tried to explain to my boys that it's not nice to comment on the way someone looks unless you're saying, "I like_______(their hair, skin, eyes, shirt, etc.)" I let them know if they have a question about someone, they can ask me later in the car.

We live in a very diverse area, so from day one they saw a lot of people of different races and ethnicities, but we had a moment in the grocery store when my oldest was 3 where he saw a man with no legs in a wheelchair. He LOUDLY blurted out, "WHY DOESN'T HE HAVE ANY LEGS!?!?!" Of course I wanted to melt into the floor. I'm sure the man was probably used to kids staring or comments, but it doesn't make it any less embarrassing. I narrowly averted a loud comment about a very obese woman on a scooter in a store around that same time as well (saw him staring and about to say something, but luckily got the "mom look" and the "shhhh" out fast enough).

I just told my son the first time he asked that question that skin comes in all different shades just like hair. There is really fair skin, light brown, dark brown, black, etc. My son just said, oh! And he never asked again. :) I'm not sure how you can explain it in a way that is offensive.

I didn't read other suggestions first and probably should. First, I think most parents know that kids ask rude questions sometimes. I wouldn't worry too much; if this person knows you well enough to have you at her house, she knows that this wasn't a racist question. As to why the baby is black, you can say something very simple, like babies have traits that look like their parents--and this baby's skin looks just like his mom's. Isn't it beautiful? My son just asked why a man had a cane, and the man didn't seem phased, so I just let him ask. The man told him it helps him to walk. I sometimes think that if we make a big deal out of kids' natural curiosity, it teaches them that being black, or walking with a cane, IS different and bad, and teaches them to be afraid of "other". Since your son is mildly autistic, those social graces are even tougher. What I would have said to my son were he a little older than the 4 he is, was, sometimes it's rude to point out how people are different. Different is wonderful (and here I would allude to how God makes all people different, but that's *my* faith; I don't know if it's yours) but sometimes people are uncomfortable about being different and it's not our job to make them feel uncomfortable.

You got some good answers. Now it is time to have playdates with kids of other colors so that they can see that they are all different. This is his first exposure to someone of darker skin and he reacted accordingly.

Don't get all flustered just place him in settings that have everybody not just the "lily white" only.

You will do fine mom just be prepared that "Kids say the darndest things."

The other S.

PS Welcome to parenthood 401.

I would just say that God made him that way. God makes everyone different. Some people have blue eyes and some have brown. Some have blonde hair and some have red. Some people have dark skin and some have light. If someone has a problem with the way your son has phrased the question it isn't your son that has the problem. His question wasn't judgmental or racial. It was just an honest question. I wouldn't make it into a big deal because it really wasn't.

I'm late to the game but here we go. Goodness sake girl, keep it simple! Most people are very understanding that children just blurt out whatever.
It may be embarrassing for you, but don't sweat it too much. So next time don't try and explain why it might upset some people, just answer him.

People come in all shapes, colors and sizes honey. That's just how it is.

If it makes you feel any better, I was at the airport with my three year old daughter. She was running around talking to everyone in sight. We finally reeled her in and just about then a African American family sat down across from us. Right about then, my daughter shouts "What's that?"

I thought I was going to die, but I just smiled and corrected her. "Honey you mean WHO is that, not WHAT is that, and I don't know who they are."

So she got her answer, and that was that. I did catch the eye of one of the fellas she was shouting about to see him trying to hide his laughter. It made me feel better.

Why not tell him the truth. My kids asked - I think at about 4 or so, I told them that some people/grand parents, etc come from different places. This babies parents, grandparents come from a place with LOTS of sun. Their skin is darker to protect them from the sun and keeps them from getting sunburned as easily. I have also talked to them about how it makes people feel uncomfortable when you point out differences - if they have questions they should ask quietly or out of ear shot.

Read him the Dr Seuss story about the Sneetches who all wanted to look the same and explain h ow boring the world would be if everyone looked exactly the same. This helped my girls understand why people look so different. PS it seems every kid does this once. Both my girls did it in the grocery store. I felt about an inch tall but whispered into their ear that it hurts people's feelings when you talk about them and that seemed to work. Good luck!

I would just tell them God made them that way, just as He made us the way we are.

When my cousin was a toddler and she seen a black person, probably not for the first time but for the first time she noticed the color, she exclaimed "Momma... Look at that GREEN man!"

You've gotten lots of responses but I'd just like to add that I handle this by saying that people come in all different shapes, sizes and colors. Some are tall, short, have black, brown, red or yellow hair or eyes or blue hair (Katy Perry, anyone?), etc. We are all made differently. My 4 year no longer seems to ask these "honest" questions as frequently when we encounter someone different.

Aw...just came to this thourgh another post.

We are a multi-racial family, but my oldest still blurted out "she's brown!" about a friend when he first starting learning his colors. The husband flipped out, and I stumbled - it was unexpected though it should not have been since we'd been pointing out all kinds of colors. (And no, she wasn't the first "brown" person he'd seen).

I try to keep it simple, " People come in different shapes, sizes, and colors." Sometimes we talk about how most skin colors are variations on brown, but that's mostly because the same son was disappointed when he realized he wasn't ever going to meet any blue people.