We moved here from out-of-state 2 years ago. Our neighbors were very welcoming when we first moved in but have since become more acquaintenances and people that we occasionally attend backyard parties with a few times a year. I actually did get pretty close with one of the neighbors who had also just recently moved here but we had an incident backfire and she decided to end the friendship because of it, which left me feeling like she was only kind of using me to begin with and it really hurt dealing with her backlash from it (made me feel like I was back in middle school!)
The more we've been here, the more I feel like I don't have any real friends in this area. I try setting up playdates with kids from my daughters' classes, sometimes they pan out, but most times they don't because it's very hard to get other parents to commit. I thought I was becoming pretty close with the mom of one of the kids from my daughter's class, we hung out at the pool a lot this summer and she even invited us for a bar-b-q when they moved into their new house. It felt like we bonded because we are both from out-of-state and she would say the same thing about how hard it is to meet people and not just acquaintenances. But now I hardly hear from her and I feel like I'm always the one to initiate contact. We very likely are moving next summer and she keeps asking me if we know yet if we're moving so I don't know if she doesn't really feel we're worth the effort if we're not going to be here much longer.
I just feel so blue about it. I don't really understand it -- I don't feel I'm a hard person to talk to or get along with and I feel I try to put myself out there. I work part-time so I can't join any of the good meetup groups for mom's with younger kids because they all meet during the morning hours.
My best friend also moved to a different city the same time we moved here and I feel like she doesn't have any problems making friends with people from church (we don't go to church) or the moms from her daughter's preschool class. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Growing up I always had a pretty good amount of friends and now I feel like I hardly have any.
Thanks everyone for the responses and thoughts.
I do think that I should look into some kind of hobby on my own to find people with similar interests so that was a good idea.
I don't think I come off as being needy and I certainly don't expect to hear from a friend every day or even every week for that matter. I completely understand that people are busy with their own lives.
All the responses made me feel better just knowing that it is hard in general to make new friends as an adult.
Don't tell people you maybe moving. No one wants to put time into a friendship that is very short term.
There is nothing wrong with you. People are just so busy these days. I wish I had more time to write this even! Perhaps I can later but my husband wants us to eat. You sound like a nice person. It is just hard.Just know we care HUGS
I so hear you! All of my close friends live far away.
We have a few families we get together with a few times a year, but I don't feel like I have any close friends nearby.
We can't even get the neighborhood kids to come over and play. It's like everyone is so over scheduled they can't just...hang out.
I have only been really good at making friends in the past few years. And now I have more than I can handle. I'm a single mom, 44, and quit my job to move to our current location and live on one income when my husband and I were together. I knew NOBODY. But I made the choice not to become isolated with a baby-my husband traveled all the time...and now I have TONS of friends. And I don't even go to church or any church-related stuff (great for meeting friends if you're into church though). So. I'll give you some tips.
Here are the types of things where friendships usually DON'T stick: Moms at park. Neighbors. Meet up groups. Moms of random kids in your kids classes..yada yada. Moms are busy. Neighbors like to keep an arms length. I have AWESOME neighbors, but we aren't overly social because it's very close quarters you know? We're just on "good terms", not "let's make a point to be friends and go do stuff together" type friends. And moms around town often have nothing in common with you other than having kids your kids ages. Yes I have some Facebook friends and acquaintances from these events with the kids, but nothing major. And only because I live in a fairly small community so lots of people know each other, it pays to keep in touch with people, but again, we don't hang out on purpose at all aside from kid events where we run into each other. Because moms are BUSY.
MOST of my nicest most social friends do not have kids. And I made a point not to be "all about my kids" even though I often brought my kids to parties and events because I lacked a sitter budget. But I would go to events in the community that I CARED ABOUT: Opening a new library, community garden, theater group production, political volunteering, farm festivals (big out here), science days and events at local college, all kinds of community stuff. Wherever I knew there was an interesting cause that the kids and I could learn from, we would go and enjoy ourselves and meet people who were DOING STUFF there. Then I could ask them questions and show a real interest in them. When you do that, before you know it, based on common interests, you have new FB friends and you run into people several places and people who know people who are into hose types of things.
I'm not social by nature. I like to say home and watch T.V. But I knew for the sake of my kids and myself being part of a community was important. So I made the choice to make it happen. Once you HAVE the initial contact, you have to maintain. If there's an invite to some god forsaken looking event in your FB feed, go if you possibly can. Like people's posts. Invite people to do stuff. Don't be miffed if it's always you reaching out. Once the tables turn and you have tons of friends, you'll be the one ignoring all the invites because there are just too many... Send friends little messages Keep in touch. Be helpful. Volunteer to work on stuff the best you can. It's very hard with little kids but I was able to wrangle it.
Just this past full moon, a friend of a friend posted a Full Moon Drum Circle on a farm. What the hell types of hippies do full moon drum circles in corn fields??!! Well. Sounded like something my kids would remember so we went. While we were there, I met a holistic healer (of course) from Germany, and another lady who owned a different farm. She invited me to a farm day at her place yesterday, and it was AWESOME. The kids had a blast on carriage rides and feeding chickens and whatever..I didn't want to go. I was tired. I had a cough. I wanted aSunday "down day" But so as not to blow a new friend off, we went. And it was great and I met some really nice new people there with kids my ages, and we all share interests in organic farming and politics.....
See what I mean? My biggest social outlet is the art circuit because I'm a painter. So I have many artist friends and many art events to go to, and only a few of the people in those circles have kids my kids ages. Lots are older, or they never wanted kids or whatever. But my kids love my wacky adult art friends and the strange events we go to.
I can honestly say though, it's almost always ME who approaches, starts conversations, asks questions, asks names....not so much anymore because now Im so popular ;) but in the beginning, no one was reaching out to me at all. I had to get out there and really force it.
You don't want to look for "any old person to just pass some time with". Those friends don't stick. Start with activities you find enriching, and the relationships with like minded people will follow. I know it seems like some people are just magically popular and social. Some are. But most have to work on it, and most moms (imo) huddle into their families and don't try very hard. So get some friends that don't have kids, or are divorced so they're out trying to meet people. They're more fun!
I found it took many YEARS to make adult friends in this community. I mean, I'm a friendly, outgoing person, but adult friendships simply take a longer time to happen, at least in my experience. And then when you throw in the kids and husbands and neighbors it's even harder because if there's even the smallest amount of drama, or they just don't click or get along, you're kind of screwed.
Just keep putting yourself out there. Most of my good mom friends are women I have either volunteered with at school (a GREAT way to connect because you go to evening meetings WITHOUT the kids) or the moms of my kids' friends that have been able to look past our children not always staying friends. I find as the kids get older it's easier, and if the husbands get along, BONUS!!! It's nice to have other couples to go out and do things with.
Also be sure to do things that YOU are interested in, not just kid/family stuff, like take classes (art, cooking, yoga, woodworking, whatever you're into) join a book club, stuff like that.
Hang in there, it gets better!
A few ideas:
1. Host social events. Invite people over for an open house, bbq, etc. Be proactive and don't wait for the invites. Now is a super time to invite people over, since we're headed into holiday season. A cookie decorating party, for instance, is a great way to get to know people and have fun.
2. Get involved at the school. Since you work part-time like I do, there are opportunities there. Volunteer to go on field trips, set up booths at fundraising events, you name it.
3. When you meet someone new, friend them on Facebook right away. The more they get to know you online, in addition to in-person, the more you're top of mind when they're planning activities.
4. Take a class. Think about classes where there's some interaction, not just a college-type course.
5. Volunteer for a charity. Very likely to meet friendly people through charitable activities. You may even find activities your entire family can do together.
Good luck!
What do you like to do that doesn't have anything to do with your kids? Go out and do that. Get involved in a charity, or a book club, cooking, sewing, bunco - whatever it is that you *truly* enjoy doing. I have found that's one of the best ways to make true friends.
I live in a very snobby area and used to feel the way you do so I can relate. But as I eased out of a social life based mainly on my kids (or neighbors which is luck of the draw) things have gotten better. I'm in a Bible study where I truly enjoy the friends I have made.
I hope you can find your tribe! They're out there waiting for you! :)
O. thing to keep in mind is not to be too needy or demanding of someone's time--moms are BUSY!
i think it's less about being an adult, necessarily, than being a parent. it's hard to make time for friends when you're raising kids, except for the shining few who have kids and values and schedules and personalities that match yours pretty well. and that's a combo of sheer good luck, and getting out there often enough to find 'em.
it sounds as if you're doing that, but maybe change up your focus a bit. it's very natural to look for friends in your parenting circles because that's the easiest, but when it doesn't work, it's time to examine what things ring your chimes and start looking THERE.
some of my besties during the child-raising years were the folks i knew from the barn. and while a few of 'em WERE other moms, the connection was through horses, not kids. what are your interests outside the family?
now that the kids are gone and i have more free time, i find i'm happier spending it alone. i'm very grateful that i've got friends who don't resent me for my crappy friend-maintenance skills and keep reaching out to me. so while it's even more important not to be a clingy, needy friend, don't automatically assume that because you're taking the initiative that it means the other person doesn't care. more important is how they act when you DO get together.
good luck, hon. you are a very necessary reminder to me that even we hermits need to nurture our friendships, cuz we all need 'em.
khairete
S.
Is there a commonly used gym or "club" you could join? I work full time but have noticed a lot of moms have become really friendly bc they work out together. If you're part time, perhaps you could swing that. But as people said, adults are just so busy. I think of all the time I used to spend just hanging out with friends. So different now. It can be frustrating but keep trying. And I eventually found a playgroup that met evenings when my kids were young. Or do you have mom's board you belong to? There may be other moms like you and you could be the one to suggest a late afternoon playgroup. I bet that mom does figure you're moving though. She probably is trying to make friends too and doesn't want to waste her time if you're moving. Other people may have the same reaction if you tell them you're moving.
I think you are trying to gear the friendships around the neighborhood and around your kids' friends' parents. You don't necessarily have anything in common with those people except the kids and geography. The thing to do is find people with common interests. That means joining activities you enjoy. There are plenty of moms who work part time who have the same problems you have - so stop lamenting that you cannot sign up with morning groups and realize that there are plenty of people who are equally excluded.
Instead of looking for friends (and maybe running afoul of people with agendas), look for opportunities for fun activities. Join a hiking group or a community clean-up group, join a church/synagogue, join a chorus, join a gym. Volunteer in your off hours at the library, the senior center, the food pantry. Join a book group. See if there is a Newcomers Club. Look into a social service agency that does something good for the community - maybe an agency that helps new immigrants with a clothing "pantry" and a housewares exchange, or a battered women's shelter that needs welcome packets containing deodorant and toothpaste and toothbrushes and sanitary products for women who leave their homes with nothing. Help make the kits or go to the local dentists and department stores to set up regular donations of materials. Find some creative people (if you're not) to package these up with cellophane wrap and ribbon. Start a crochet or knitting group that makes shawls for senior citizens in nursing homes, or blankets for kids going to those shelters or being transported by ambulance. Talk to the town social service agency or department of family/children's services, or talk to the police department domestic violence officer to find out what's needed and who is looking for help. See if there is an Interfaith Hospitality Network helping homeless people transition into housing. Find a halfway house for people coming out of addiction who need literacy help (many people who have fallen by the wayside just lack basic job skills because they can't read). And on and on. My point is - find a group who needs you, and you will find other people joining up who are giving of themselves. Those are generous and outgoing people.
Don't look for an immediate social pay off. Just concentrate on what you can give vs. what you can receive, and you will actually appear to be less needy and find people are attracted to you. You'll be associating with a giving group of like-minded individuals and my guess is you will find better friends.
D.,
Is it possible you are like a girlfriend I once had that felt our contact needed to be DAILY instead of weekly or monthly??
Other than kids, do you have any common interests with these people?? If not - you need to find what interests YOU and find people who like that too - there is life outside of kids..
If you are military - have you gone on base to check out what is happening there??
Have you tried to join a gym??
Have you not found a church that "fits" your family? Maybe you should start looking around there...
In order to make friends, you have to have common interests...so if that is a book club, pottery, walking, shopping, etc. then you need to find people with common interests....
Good luck!
As kids, we're in class with 25 other people the same age as us for 6 hours per day, 5 days per week. Of COURSE we're bound to make friends with some of them!
As adults, we have SO much else going on in our lives: kids of our own, spouses, jobs, extended family, etc that we don't spend that kind of time with anyone anymore. Relationships take MUCH more effort to establish and maintain.
I would pick up a hobby (if you don't already have one) and join a club - thus, finding people with similar interests and seeing them regularly. If you can, volunteer at your children's school. Stuff like that.
I know it's hard to make friends - I think it's worse than dating! lol But if you just relax and start to enjoy the things you like to do more it will perk you up :) And who knows, you might just make a friend in the process!
I think it is very true that church goers have a real advantage in the friend making arena. Don't take your struggle with it so personally. Its easy to make friends in school or at work settings because you get to observe and get to know people before you commit you precious free time to them. Church is one of the few things that recreates these conditions so perfectly.
It is really difficult to form close friends at random. You kind of need a place to get to know them before you socialize with them. At church, you automatically have something thats really important to you in common. You see those people regularly without the obligation of hosting. You can be noncommittal about church functions, classes, seminars, and yet run into these same people again and again without the hassle of scheduling dates, dinners etc. You get to know people on your time and terms. You can observe them before you invite them into your home. etc. etc.
It supper hard to recreate this dynamic in adult life if you aren't part of something that brings people together. So look for ways that bring people together in non committal ways, like your kids sports event, a dude ranch vacation, or a camping club, home bible study, or woman's group of some kind.
It's easiest to make friends before we have commitments to others.
Once we're married with children - our lives tend to revolve around spouse and kids - and when the kids move on to higher grades/other activities - we leave behind friends we made with all parents as they move on with their kids too.
The friends you will make and keep are the ones you make for YOUR sake with YOUR interests.
Take a class - anything that interests YOU - and meet people.
Then meet them for coffee sometimes.
You can be a person in your own right and not be a total appendage to your kids.
Because once they are grown and have left the nest - you need to find/redefine yourself again anyway.
There's no reason to leave that entirely to the last minute.
Do you have any hobbies of your own that you do? Perhaps you can meet people that way. It seems that when you try so hard with neighbors it usually doesn't work out as well.
Take a class or something. It is hard at times to make friends but it will happen.
the other S.
I think as adults , friendships can be fleeting but then a new one takes it's place. Kids social activities & life changes are occurring so frequently, there's always transitions. Kids go from elementary to Middle School, start a new sport, change teams, a couple moves or gets divorced , Holidays, cancel their gym membership. I feel if I want to socialize , I have to act fast , which is hard for a shy , slow to warm up person. I would say our friends last a little longer than a sports season, or when my kid starts meeting new people & quits hanging w/ others. I don't think you can expect friendships to last years now. So, it's nothing your doing. You just need to modify your expectations.
Parents of young children are busy. We have learned our family members do best when they stay on a schedule.
If the people work full time, they are exhausted. They run through the whole. "I need to get home, prepare dinner, make sure children have their homework done, do the laundry, get my things ready for tomorrow.. "
They are just trying to survive.
We get that tunnel vision and tend to have guilt for not spending enough time with our own families. And gosh knows, men in general are not great about wanting to meet new people when they are not in the mood.
NewName gave great advice. I agree to try to host Happy hours on Friday evenings as people are on their way home. Maybe light up the fire pit, turn on some music in the back yard. Open some bottles of wine, cheese and crackers and as people arrive home, tell them to pop by for a glass of wine..
That is how we met our neighbors when the kids were young. Our daughter would be outside playing and we would have a beverage in the front yard. As our neighbors came home we would wave and tell them, "come join us! Bring your wife over. Bring your husband over. " We have snacks for your kids!
Then as you get to know 1 neighbor they will mention others. It became a signal that if one of us was outside with a glass in our hands, we were open for a visit.
On Saturday early evenings invite families over to have simple supper. No big deal, "No reason party" Just to visit, ask how their week was. Ask them where they are from originally. Ask for advice about stuff. We had one neighbor, her twins always had White tennis shoes. We asked her, how on earth do you keep them so white? She told us her secret, then we all started sharing our secrets about such things.
People love talking about themselves. I always get people to talk by asking them, "where are you from?", "where did you attend college?" , "What did you do before children?"
Of course in the South nothing is sacred, we will ask all sorts of questions. Mainly because we want to know your story. Not to judge or compare.
Who are the people you work with? Are any of those people interesting?
You could ask the day care if they would allow you to post a note inviting the parents and children from the class to join you all at a park or at your home sometime. Again, tell them it is just a get together so the kids can play at a play ground.
Do not take it personally. I feel like some people are super shy. Some people feel awkward. Some people are afraid to be friends because they do not want to be rejected..
Maybe have a little Halloween gathering. Let the kids wear their costumes and play, while the parents just hang out and get to know each other.
It is hard. My husband and I have been going to the same church for 2 years now and we just now feel like we have a couple really close friends. But that took serious work. My husband made it a point to meet with one man for coffee every week. I really stepped out of my comfort zone and hosted one of the church's social events "Dinner with Friends" at our house. From there we met a couple of people we thought we had a lot in common with. Then we just started asking them over for games or dinner, etc. All of this stemmed from going to church and being active in the men's and women's groups. So maybe try that. Good luck.
I've noticed it's harder as an adult to meet new friends so keeping in touch
w/old friends is great.
As far as meeting new friends, there are several ways (try them all):
-your work? See if there's anyone you really like, get along with or match
in personality then suggest getting together for something (lunch after
work before you pick up the kids, getting a coffee before work or on break etc.).
-look online for "mom meetups" in your area
-when you take your kids to the library or the mall play area for the kids,
be friendly, talk to other moms then if you hit it off suggest you exchange
phone numbers so you can meet up there again (time for your kids to
play & some "sanity chat" for you two).
-don't compare your "friend making" to that of your friend's. She's in a
different area, maybe the ppl in her neighborhood are friendlier etc.
-don't give up. It takes time & it'll pop up when you least expect it. Just
keep trying.
-be friendly, have a smile on your face so you seem approachable.
-volunteer in your child's classroom or at their schools so you can meet
other moms.
Hang in there & keep at it! Don't give up!
We moved to a new state 18 months ago and I feel the exact same way. We've moved 6 times in 14 years (job transfers) and I've never had trouble making friends. This time is totally different. The problem here seems to be families are overbooked. Both parents work, kids are involved in 1-3 activities. The weekends are spent doing sports or chores/errands. Parents are just too exhausted to plan BBQs or trips to the park. Good Luck!
Oh D., I feel ya!
Isn't it something? We get to the point in our lives where we are moms and dads, with jobs and homes of our own, but we end up experiencing these feelings like we never left adolescence?
I remember when I had our first daughter. I wanted so badly to make friends in with this "mommy group" around where I lived. All these women were involved with this lamaze class and they all knew each other and kept in touch. I would arrange to bring meals to women who delivered and attend baby showers (for women I didn't even know really), but all to no avail. This group always maintained a very "members only" feeling to it. With our second, we did IVF to have her. On one of my cycles, I was called by the doctor last minute to get down to the place where the embryo transfer would be done, and we had only one car at the time. I called one of the "members" of this little clique to ask if she could get me down there, and she turned me down. The cycle turned out to be a bust anyhow, but dang!
Here's my advice to you. Screw em!
You know you are a kind, friendly, good person to know. The ones who truly matter in your life know you are a kind, friendly, good person to know. You may not ever have an entire squadron of "girlfriends", but you likely will have a few. Look at it this way....you are enough where you actually HAD a best friend. You bonded enough with a person where this is how you identified each other. I know that she now lives in another state, but use that as a barometer for your "friend desireability". You've definitely got some, otherwise this woman wouldn't have been your friend in the first place.
As for the ladies in your community, just be yourself. Sometimes ding-a-lings, like this neighbor with her nose out of joint, will drop you for the stupidest reasons. Well, that's all she is...a ding-a-ling, stuck in a grade-school mentality.
Relax Mama. You'll be fine!!!
Best,
E.
I agree with many of the posters.. it seems to come down to common interests. I too have felt and feel as you do... what happened to friendship being so easy.......... I often think back to 5th and 6th grade, when I had my BEST friendships ever... I was even new to school and still made friends so easily.... However, the reason for that.. I liked to play sports and or just hang out... this meant.. on any given day, I could go play ball or just stand around and chat... I seem to have something in common with everyone... as an adult, that changed and now....it has been very difficult to meet people with whom I share a common interest.. oh sure, in part, I have trust issues, having been burned in a friendship or two... so it's taken me time to get out and make new friends... so far, one person with whom I like a lot if at my Buddhist Temple.. which leads me to ... it does matter that you have some commonalities.. while I don't see this woman much , I do feel like if we lived closer, we could be better friends... Another scenario in my life has been my returning to school.. at first, I was saddened that it seemed VERY difficult to make friends in class... although, I've had to understand that in most classes, people are taking the courses because they are required, not because they like the course material.. again, there is no interests... but in the classes where the students share the same passion, it's in those classes that the friendships seem to bloom..
I am not losing hope and I hope that you won't either... try not to plan around your kids and instead, maybe you can allow yourself to join an aerobics class or something you enjoy. when I was in Jazzercise years ago, I had made quite a few friends.. but since I stopped going, I don't see those people anymore... but at the time, it was fun..
keep trying.. it will happen...
my best to you..
I hear you and do not put yourself down I been there and done that. May I make some suggestions since I am a newcomer to Atlanta myself only 10 years how time flies.
1) meet ups. I look them up and join the ones that I like and we started meeting new peoples this way.
2) you say you do not go to church but may you rethink this. On our church there are severals minitries again a way to start meeting people and not feeling like you are out of town
3) school become a volunteer and when you become involved you automatically meet new people and hopefully new friendships will develop
4) if you have the time you might take a class just to make friends
5) my husband and go to the wellnedd center around 4 times a week even thou we have not make any friends but there is a camarade in the water aerobics and you do not feel alone
6) I became member of The Atlanta Cuban Club and it was a great place to meet and make new friends Know we are international not only do we have people from other speaking spanish countries some americans have join us
Hope this helps you out Where are you moving to now?
I find the best way to make friends is through your kids or through the school. Find the time to volunteer and host events at your house. Yes, you are the one who has to initiate. People will eventually reciprocate, but it takes a while. If you do move, that would be a fresh start. You should think about a non denominational church a fairly large one with lots of activities..there are many churches that would be happy to have you come, even if you are "on the fence" about religion. The church we go to has tons of groups for kids and gown ups and its more about community service, but everything is lots of fun too.
Try to open your friendship circle to different ages and ethnic groups. Often we limit ourselves in those areas and it limits our social network.
One of my closest friends is in her late 60s. She is an empty nest person who loves to drop over just to chat--very nostalgic type friend.
I agree that it is very difficult. I find that I am really picky about who I choose to spend my free time with. A couple of my older sons' friends have really nice Moms, but they are both divorced and whenever we are together they start man bashing. I'm married, have been for 23 years, it's not always a honeymoon but I'd like to make it to 25 and 30 so I don't think spending a whole lot of time with them is a good idea. I recently had thought I was making friends with someone but she started really judging me. I also don't attend church and I feel that if I did there would be a group there that I might be able to relate to and find friendship in.
Obviously I don't have any advice for you!! :). I'm in the same boat.
Take Care,
M.
