Why Does This Bother Me So Bad?

No real advice for you, as I'm dealing with a similar situtation myself. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through it and I do NOT believe you are in the wrong at all.

This is a problem that has the potential to get very big. If he is a good husband in all other ways then I say fight to work things out by seeking marriage counseling. There is a compromise in here somewhere and a counselor may be able to help.

I'm fond of voting with my feet.

This isn't something you married into, this is something you have discussed at length, this is a boundary that he is consistently and continuously breaking.

Here's a thing to try:

From now on, every single time he lights up at a social affair, take the kids and leave. And here's your phrase to use:

"I don't want my children around people high on drugs, so we'll be going now."

When the inevitable arguments come up... you can either walk or say something along the lines of:

"If I found out her teacher was smoking pot in school, I'd yank her out of that school and call the cops faster than you can think it. If her friends or babysitter were stoned, that would be the last of them. So why on EARTH should I say it's not okay for her teacher, or other influential people in her life entrusted with her care and well being, but okay for her daddy & uncles?"

But seriously, walk. Each and every time.

For the at home part... you could try finding something (mentally) that makes your husband sick to his stomach (dog poop, vomit, what have you).. and ask if he'd be willing to smear some under his nose a few times per week... because that's what the smell is doing to you. Making you want to throw up.

Even highly addicted cigarette smokers manage to find ways to keep the smell from their pregnant wives. Not being willing to do so with pot is just pure selfishness, plain and simple.

If he chooses pot over you, you know 2 things:

1) He's an addict... and needs treatment.
2) You're better off.

I say all of this, not as an anti-drug person. I know many many people who are recovering addicts as well as normies who can use socially BUT THE MOMENT a non-addict gets presented with a choice between the people they love and a drug, the choose the people they love.

Equate it to broccoli. If your spouse HATED broccoli (and the smell of it made them sick), would you cook it 3 times a week (with the accompanying arguments)? Or either give it up with no problem whatsoever, or merely very very occasionally when they weren't around?

There's actually a program poem about this... here's a snippet:

"Susie is a social broccoli eater.
She doesn't bring her own broccoli to parties in case the hostess isn't serving broccoli, or doesn't have her brand of broccoli. If the hostess IS serving broccoli, she doesn't leave her friends and family alone, so that she can eat broccoli with the other broccoli eaters. She doesn't make a trip to the store the night before to make sure that she won't run out of broccoli. She doesn't hide her broccoli, so that others won't find it. Broccoli has never caused any problems between her and her spouse, friends, or family...."

The poem is actually quite long... but to save space, I'll end it there.

When your husband is getting high, he is not available. Not available as a husband or a father. If a medical crises were to occur during the middle of the night with your pregnancy or if you were to go into labor, he would be of little or no use. And the fact that he went from an occassional pot smoker when you got married to a heavy pot smoker, and also reneged on his promise to quit smoking pot once you had children, I think I'd be very resentful and pissed if I were you. And I especially would not like my house being used as a pot flop house during this period in my life. That's what you do when you are in high school or college, not when you are almost 40 and have a pregnant wife and a toddler.

I hate to say it but it sounds like you have a functional pot addict on your hands. I say "functional" because he is able to hold down a job and do work around the house, but he's most likely a pot addict nonetheless.

Sorry. I wish it could be better for you.

I am with a few of the other moms. My biggest worry would be my children being taken away one day because of his bad choices. When I first got married I was very young and so was my husband...he smoked week, but never a lone he did it with his friend and stuff. When we talked about getting pregnant I told him i would not have the smoking around me or our baby so he had a choice to make...start a family and quit or keep smoking and we just wont try right now. i wasn't going to risk anything being wrong with our child or doing something around them that could harm them or get them taken away from us. I was VERY lucky that my husband loved me and the thought of us having a family enough that he never touched it again. I am sorry things have not been so easy for you, but you need to decide how much this bothers you and what your terms are. To me marriage is about comprimise BUT there are some things that are not up for dicussion just action. i would never tolerate my husband smoking weed now that we have children especially if he said he wouldn't, never tolerate him putting our family at RISK. those babies didn't ask to be there and don't deserve to have to deal with the possible consiquences that could come from the selfish thing he is doing. if he won't quite on your wishes or the best interest of your children then chances are nothing will. i would also be worried that if he doesn't care about your feelings, the promise he has broken to you or the well being of his child what else are you going to face with him later. You said he didn't do this before, but he has obviously changed and that would be something I would worry about. None of us can tell you what to do only what we would do, but I really think you need to think about this and deside if this is what you want your babies to grow up around, if this is what you want them learning, if your feelings not be considered matters to you. Its not just the smoking, it's his attitude and total disreguard for anyone but himself......can you live with that. If you can than good luck I hope it works out. If not you need to be willing to make some hard choices about yours and your childrens lives and then have a serious talk with him. Tell him what is important to you and why and then decide what will happen if he can't or WON'T follow through, but whatever you choose if you do that you have to stick with it or nothing will ever change. I dont normally advocate ultimatiums but sometimes they are warrented and needed for the benefit of the family when someone is doing something destructive.....again not just the smoking. Good luck hun.....let us know how it goes.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with such an irresponsible husband! I couldn't have handled it as long as you have! Maybe he doesn't realize that ya'll could get the kids TAKEN from you if the cops showed up when he's smoking pot with kids there! He is too old to be acting like this and it's sad that he thinks that the only way he can have fun is to smoke pot and drink! I am soo sorry and I hope that you can find a way to convince him to quit! let him know how much it bothers you... tell him you'll leave if he does it again! Honestly.... it's not good on your part to stay if he's putting ya'lls children in danger! (i'm not blaming you in any way, I'm just saying you can say to him that you cannot put youself in a situation where your children could be takien from you because HE wants to smoke!)

speaking from personal experience - if he wants to do it he will, whether or not he has your "permission". i tell my husband that i would not care a bit (and i wouldn't) if it was legal. the fact is, it's NOT. my personal belief is that if you aren't hurting anyone or endangering anyone, no one should tell you what you can or can't do. but the fact of the matter is, there is a chance that HIS smoking could cause ME to lose my son, and that is where the problem lies. that's where i start getting all mama bear. so after many years we have somewhat of a compromise. he keeps it away from our home and our child. i don't care what he does otherwise. as long as i can claim "ignorance" and nothing comes back onto me, i feel safe. but personally, yes, i think it is selfish, stupid, and childish. but i don't think they will ever see it that way. especially when their peers are "all doing it". so stupid.

I am in your shoes almost exactly. The only major difference is that my husband is a drinker, not a pot smoker. He drinks at home about once or twice a week, often to excess. If we're at a family function (my family, not his..his family are all recovering alcoholics) he drinks all day or night long. Often times I'm ready to leave a family function with our small children (3 and 10 mos) and he's not finished drinking yet. My husband has always been a drinker, but I thought he would change after we had kids. He hasn't. It's a major point of contention in our marriage. I don't mind that he drinks in front of the kids, he doesn't usually drink heavily till they are in bed. It's the fact that I feel like I'm his mother all the time. My family always says "boys will be boys." and excuse the behavior. Not me! Honestly, it's become such a problem in our marriage that we are going to start attending counseling for that and other problems. I don't really have any advice on how to fix it, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

I think it "bothers you" because obviously logic has not worked when applied to this situation. And since he is not responding to logical requests or information, I think you might have an addict to deal with. Please go to Alanon so you can learn how to stop enabling him.
If you do leave him, you can take legal action to make sure the people around/taking care of your kids do not engage in illegal activity. That is an excuse to stay.
Good luck to you!
(p.s. what if he was driving occasionally without your daughter in a car seat? How would you react to that?)

It bothers you so bad, because it should scare you to death. This is serious, he is not only damaging his health (which is his choice) but damaging the health of his children. Whether or not the children are in the room or not, it's still damaging their little lungs.

What he's doing is illegal. What are you going to do when he's arrested? What happens when social services get involved and they want to take your children away? I don't mean to scare you, but these are possibilites that you should think of.

You've already admitted that you can't leave your children with him. How does that make him a good father?

It sounds like hubby is a addict and needs help. Ask him to stop for just 2 weeks and see what happens. I don't think he can. Attend an Alanon meeting, so you can learn to deal with this.

As far as leaving him, and child visits. Document his drug and alchol use so you can request supervised visitation only.

Since you've already made several attempts to talk to him about the situation and he doesn't seem to care, it's time to take some action. Do as another mama suggested, walk out if necessary.

Good luck

I can understand why this bothers you, considering that he told you that he would stop once the children came. I used to be a recreational weed smoker and have quit in the past year because it just stopped agreeing with me. I grew up around a father who smoked weed occasionally and had his beer while bbq-ing. I think being around it as a kid showed me how to moderate when I did start smoking and drinking ( age 20), so it's not like I started earlier despite my early exposure. But that's just me, I'm sure it depends from person to person. Cigarettes...I'm struggling to quit, myself, but I have a goal to quit by the time my little one is age 2. I agree with not smoking cigarettes around kids cause it's proven to subliminally encourage smoking later on. It sounds like you're trying to meet him half way and his defensive reaction seems childish. Your in a tough situation, I'd try to have a serious talk, no attacking, just a " let's compromise " conversation. Yikes, a toughy for sure, good luck!

Your husband may have a good job but he may not for long, alot of business places are doing drug testing, and if you fail you are out. Is he aware of this, any government jobs, and any medical, if you work around heavy equipment you are endangering not only yourself but others along with the possibility that they may decide to do a drug test. Also if hurt on the job and you go to the hospital one of the first test done will be a drug test, if it show's up on that test it is reported to your job and you are out of a job and the injury is yours to deal with.
All this just for have some FUN with a few not so good FRIENDS...is it worth it.?

Seriously, reread your clarification. You are almost justifying their actions. Pot is illegal, unhealthy & like you said they are under the influence. You cannot trust them with her.

Plainly, your husband is chosing a "weed" over you guys.

Sorry to hear the frustration you are going through due to this but I can assure you that your husbands increase in pot smoking is his way of reducing stress. He has a 2 year old and one on the way and whether he admits it or not it will only increase because it's his way of tuning things out. I know for sure because I have and I'm in the same situation currently. My husband and myself are 2 years younger than you and yours, I'm 34 he is 36. He has always smoked pot and promised he would quit before our son got here 2 years ago, he never did, he just doesn't smoke around us. Since our son arrived and now that our second is on the way, it has increased. He won't admit that he is stressed and that that is the reason it is so necessary to do what he does but I know, come on it's obvious. So to make a long story short, don't get upset over something you can't control, just make sure he doesn't do it around or bring it around you and the kids and call it a day. I know all the stuff about it being illegal, so what, it's illegal to drink and drive but it doesn't stop people from doing it, they just hope they don't get caught. In the event he does get caught maybe that is what it's going to take for him to stop (hopefully it won't come to that). Don't break up your family or marriage over this either, it's not that serious unless he won't respect your wishes to not smoke around you and the kids. Not sure if you drink or not but I can't wait until the baby is born so I can have a mexican martini; it's the same thing, I want to relax and unwind because it is stressful having a terrible 2 year old and being pregnant on top of that. God only knows what's in store once the new baby arrives. Be thankful that your husband is there to provide for the household and love and cherish the good things he does, no one is perfect.

It bothers you so bad b/c you know it's wrong. While I've been guilty of hanging out w/the 'recreational pot user' (& even dating for 3 yrs, a pot user). I was very paranoid about it, I did not approve nor condone this behavior. Although most ppl think it's harmless, it's still illegal. As long as you allow this behavior, you're breaking the law along w/your husband. You should at least try one more time to convey your feelings & let him know that it's either his family or the pot. It's not only illegal but just like any tobacco product, can lead to harmful side effects to him & to you & your children, aka second & third hand smoke. He doesn't seem to think very highly of his family, only himself & what pleases him. If you still cannot get him to understand where you're coming from then you may have to go through w/a divorce. Sometimes it's better to walk away w/a clear conscience than try to stay & fight a seemingly losing battle w/someone who's obviously selfish towards his family. He should be concentrating on taking care of you & the children, not partying all the time, it's way past time for him to grow up. He's way too old to be acting out his college days. Additionally, think of what may happen if your children should happen to catch him doing it. Just like smoking ciggarettes or drinking, sometimes kids will end up being smokers or drinkers, or even drug users, b/c they saw mommy or daddy doing it so they think it's okay too. Hope this advice helps. Good luck!

There is no excuse for drugs. You need healthy people around you. Sorry, but life is too short and this situation can only get worse. The health of your children is more important!

I think you should never give someone an ultimatum. It puts them on the defensive immediately. Maybe you should approach it differently. Let him know all the good stuff about him that you appreciate and then gradually work in the smoking bit. People, whether they have a problem or not, always defend themselves by saying they have a handle on it. Even if they don't. He may have a handle on it, but no matter its still illegal. At least in the state of Texas. Instead of backing him into a corner about it, try alternatives. People always respond better when you kiss their butt instead of making it seem like conflict. Even though you have your point, try and sugar coat it. Everyone likes sugar. If he doesn't budge then you may just have to let it run its course. He will tire of it eventually. If there is no other reason to leave him, then don't. Its better if you are around anyway when he is high. You don't want to leave him alone and that's what will happen if you leave him. Good luck to you.

Well, I can tell your mommy-alarm system is definitely going off! Listen to it! I have not read the other comments, but can tell several have chimed in. To address the how to handle visitation should you split up:

I think that you have every right to insist of Court-supervised visitation to protect your child. I'll be blunt - this family (your husband's) is whacked in the head. This is NOT normal behavior! It is very selfish, especially for grown adults. Perhaps after you leave and show him and grammy that you mean business they will get some help if they want to be involved in your life and in the life of your children. If not, the best thing is to get as far away from it as possible. I can't imagine any judge not granting you full custody without visitation under these circumstances.

Sorry to be so blunt. It is much easier to give advice to someone else than to listen to ourselves. I was in a bad marriage before and had the little voice in my head tell me not to have a child with this person. I'm glad I listened to it, it made the split easier. I've had to put my foot down a few times about my (now) husband's drinking. He did eventually go to counseling for it, and things are better there. But I did listen to my mommy-alarm and did put my foot down.

I have an x like that. I went in to court told all and he got supervised visits in my home. ( he has used them maybe 3 times during the 15 yrs) Once you are not around all the time is drug use will increase and his interest in even seeing his children will not be a priority.

I am not reading all the other posts either but I will say that you need to put your children first. It is apparent that he chooses to care more about himself than his own children. So that leaves you to worry about them. I also suggest counseling. But the best thing is for you is to remove yourself from a potentially harmful situation. What if something were to happen to your children because your husband was impaired. You would have the worst guilt and kicking yourself for not putting your children first. Sometimes people wait too long before they decide to do something because of fear. I would much rather live with the fear of making a tough decision rather than deal with any of my children getting hurt. Would you risk having your children taken away if he got caught and you were caught in the crossfire because you knew this was going on. Decisions like this are hard but it sounds like you need to choose. A pot smoking, selfish father or your children.