My husband and I are working on our marriage and things are going well for the moment, but there is always this one issue that causes tension in our relationship. It is his smoking weed issue that he started after we were in our relationship several years, but yes he did it occasionally before we got married and it has gotten more and more frequent over the years. I never liked weed in the past when I tried it a few times in my experimental years ;), but that side of me is long gone and don't care to ever do anything like that again, so I don't understand is love for still smoking weed now that he is 38, married and has two beautiful daughters. He says it relaxes him and makes him more focused creatively with his writing. I don't think it is that big of a deal if someone smokes pot every once in awhile, that's not the issue. He keeps it here at the house and will even go get some from other people and bring to a friend's house because he is the one that knows the guy who sells it. It's not like he smokes during the day when he is with the girls and it does not affect his job or daily living; but I know anytime he gets with his friends or even some of his family (gets high with his mom!! and brother at times) or even my brother he is going to smoke it. He knows I hate how he acts when he is high and it is such a major turn off, but he is not willing to stop what he says he loves doing. I know it's illegal so nobody be telling me I should call the cops because that is just silly and I would never do something like that and I don't want our family to split up because of this, but I just don't know what to do and even if we did split up because of this he would still be smoking it and would still be an issue because he is still the girl's father. Most of the guys he hangs out with and smokes with are single with no kids and I feel that is a problem. Anybody else dealing with this or have any input? Thanks! Just to add he is a great dad and pretty good husband even though we have our issues we are working on them, but this is a personal problem I have with it and he says it's "no big deal".
NOTE: HE DOES NOT SMOKE ALL THE TIME AND NOT IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS, HE SMOKES USUALLY AFTER WE GO TO BED OR WHEN HE IS WITH HIS FRIENDS AT THEIR HOUSE, I HAVE ASKED HIM TO ONLY SMOKE OUTSIDE AND MOST OF THE TIMES HE LISTENS
I say let him do it! I know its not legal, but if he is careful it will be ok. My dad smoked pot (still does) the entire time I was growing up, I had no clue. My dad is the best man I will ever be blessed to know.
I personally hate the stuff, but some people reallllly like it!
I think you should treat this more like cigarette smoking--Ask him to keep it out of the house (including his stash--if the law should get involved, if it's not in the house, and instead in his car, for example, it won't come down on you & the kids.... the legal ramifications, if it's found in the house are scary--I could see CPS taking the kids, at least temporarily from you both).
And ask him not to do it inside the house (residual smoke, etc., and the related health concerns).
I have several friends/family where 1 person smokes (cigarettes) and the other does not. The non-smoker occasionally expresses concern or brings it up if the boundaries are not respected, but they do not nag, as that just makes them and their spouses miserable.
I personally wouldn't have a problem with this (in fact, I wish my husband would smoke pot, maybe he'd be less stressed, lol!). But, if it bothers you so much, he should respect you enough to stop.
Or, if he likes it so much, you should respect him enough to let him do it (within reason, of course!).
You could spin that either way, so I would examine closely the reasons he smokes it, and the reasons you want him to stop.
didn't even read the other responses:
IT IS AGAINST THE LAW & YOU ARE KNOWINGLY JEOPARDIZING THE WELFARE OF YOUR CHILDREN.
WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT: HIS POT SMOKING OR YOUR KIDS IN STATE CARE?
& that's where this could end.
***UPDATED****
Well, from your revisions, you seem fine with it, so why even ask?
Hopefully, he won't mind losing his kids if he gets caught.
Would that be a "big deal" to him?
Frankly, it sounds like it wouldn't.
I understand why you're torn. I have very dear friends who are regular pot smokers and you would never guess it, on the outside they look like your average hardworking happy family. I don't personally have a problem with pot (I think alcohol is MUCH more addictive and dangerous) but the fact is that it IS illegal and that's why I would never be comfortable having it in my home. The fact that he hangs out with mostly single guys is not surprising, not too many women want to live with a fog brain (that's the term my aunt used to call her husband who smoked all the time back in the 70's, lol!) But seriously, people who smoke regularly tend to only want to socialize with others who share in that activity (my good friends included) and they do tend to be immature and unambitious. It sounds like this is something you can't live with. I think you need to have a real heart to heart with your husband. Best of luck to you :)
My husband, in his early years tried pretty much every drug under the sun.
When we first met, and were friends, he smoked all the time. And I mean ALL the time.
Even when we first started dating he smoked. (we were friends for about 3 years before we dated)
I personally never understood people doing any drugs. Only thing i've ever tried was weed and that was when I was like 18. Never liked the feeling of being High.
Anyway, Once we found out I was pregnant with our 1st baby. He stopped.
Cold turkey, just stopped. He decided he needed to start being responsible now that he was going to be a father.
Now His love for weed is still there.
Around the time of my son's 1st b-day, My son & I went to Chicago to visit family. Well My darling husband ignored my phone calls for a few days while we were gone. So I knew something was up.
I found out it was that he had smoked some weed with some buddies and was scared I was going to be super pissed and possibly leave him.
I honestly just thought it was funny. He acted like he murdered someone or cheated. He was SOO scared.
Anyway, I wasn't mad that he smoked. I was mad that he ignored me lol
He has a few buddies that still smoke it or even sell it.
My viewpoint. I don't like it, but I think there are MUCH worse things that a person can do. Every once in a GREAT while my husband gets some. He knows he is NEVER to do it around our babies. IF he does smoke its after the babies are in bed.
He says the same thing. It calms him down & Clears his head.
His job is horridly stressful so he says that weed every once in a while helps him deal.
Oh ya my husband SUCKS at dealing with stress. haha
Its really up to you and your feelings about it. Lots of people are going to tell you he is HORRIBLE for doing it. They're probably going to say you should call the cops or leave him, or put him in rehab yada yada yada.
Pick your battles. You can wsp me for more info if you wish. I think I've already typed a novel of my own :)
This may sound like a strange question, but can you tell us what it is about his behavior when he's smoking that you don't like?
For example, I know a lot of people who drink too much. Some become emotional and warm and loving and generous, some become flippant, combative, and mean......it effects everyone differently.
How does smoking effect your husband's personality?
:)
If you occasionally have a drink of alcohol to relax or ease your stress, your husbands occasional use of pot should be viewed in the same light. If he's not disrespecting the kids and yourself, leave him alone. If after he smokes you can't tolerate his behavior, in which I call "dumbing down" both of you should take a break or time out until his high wears off. It's that simple, choose your battles wisely.
You don't want to hear divorce, you don't want to hear police. What exactly do you want to hear? The truth? The truth is, he is so in love with an illegal drug that he doesn't want and is not willing to stop. The truth is, your kids should be more important than weed. The truth is, you know EXACTLY what needs to be done, you just don't want to do it. You know you don't like it or how he is when he is high, yet, he uses frequently and he keeps it in the house and you let him. That makes you an enabler and just as guilty if and when the cops ever DO find out and your kids get taken away.
On an another note, the poster who said you should just respect him enough to let him do what he 'loves' is WRONG!!!! You should NEVER 'respect' someone enought to allow them to do something illegal just because they 'love' it! In fact, he should respect YOU enough to know the ramifications that could come of it and NOT do it!
You can't change him, only how you react to him and the situation. You wanted advice, but without leaving or calling the cops, all you can do is accept it for what it/he is, move on, shield your kids the best you can, and hope your neighbors never get upset enough to call the cops.
hmm... first let me say that I have no issues with pot. However, as you have noted - it is illegal and if he or you were to get caught you could loose your children. That in itself makes this a non-issue. I would never do anything to risk loosing my girls. Just thinking of it makes me sick to my stomach.
He is dealing pot!! Smoking it occasionally and dealing are two separate issues. (I wouldn't put up with either) Someone said she would let it go. I would let HIM go. You are enabling him by putting up with this and you are risking losing your kids. Make your choice. I don't mean to sound heartless but when there are kids involved, they come first!
Added: If you separate over this or get a divorce, he will have chosen pot over you and the girls! If you are willing to defend his actions, you have chosen his juvenile, illegal behavior over your girls.
He gets high with his own mother????? WOW. That is terrible. I do not like that all of this friends are single! How did that happen? Married people should have married friends (at least the majority should be married)! Only hanging out w/ single people probably gives him a single mentality and he is not single! He is behaving like he is 20 years old and single with his pot smoking. Sounds like he smokes pot all the time and that it is much more than an occasional habit. Not to mention all the money he is spending on his nasty habit! Can you guys afford all of his pot?? Not only does he have a terribe, unhealthy, illegal habit, it's probably putting a big dent in your finances! I would never be able to live with a pothead husband, sorry! Seems like you have a decision to make - stay married and accept that fact that you are married to a pothead (I don't see him quitting), or divorce him and find a drug free man. Best wishes.
The problem here is, IF he gets caught, then, you're getting in trouble also, and you could lose the kids. I would not tolerate illegal behavior in my home at all.
I'm not judging...but this would be a HUGE issue for me. It is a big deal. He needs to find another way to relax:) I think it's in the same category as gambling, drinking too much, popping pills, etc. Would he want his girls to do it?
Leaving the legal issue aside - this man who is a "great dad" cannot deal with stress without smoking and leaving his girls in your care to go hang out with single guys? What is this going to teach your children about handling life's pressures? Even though his behavior changes when he's high and he becomes a person you don't like all that much, he is not willing to choose you and your children over his weed? I bet he can't wait until they grow up and you can have a 3-generation pot party with kids, dad and grandma.
Get some help through counseling and/or Al Anon. This IS affecting your marriage and your kids' future. You say that, if you split up, it would still be a problem because he would still be smoking. What's your thought - that he would have unsupervised visitation, have the kids sleep over at his new place, and he'd be stoned?
You have a huge communication problem and a disconnect in your values - so this is THE big problem in your relationship. Life gets tough, and he checks out. Not acceptable.
What he is doing is illegal. I would be leary of who I tell as you will lose your children. You are also in the wrong for not turning him in.
And if my hubby brought pot home I would call the cops and leave him in an instant. That is a big deal breaker for me.
My ex did and once my children were old enough to ask questions I gave him an ultimadeum. He chose to be irresponsible so we left. He probably still does it but the kids aren't around it all the time. His parents did it and he grew up thinking it was ok. I did not. It is a big deal having it in the house when you have children. His friends are single because they need to get a life. He's lucky he snagged you. Tell him it stays in the garage or he should go somewhere else if he needs it that bad. good Luck.
I agree with so many who have posted - protect your children and home and be sure it is not in your home. Regardless of how you and your husband "feel" about the topic (or how I feel about it ) it is how the law feels about it - it is illegal.
Regarding marriage issue, I think it is time to investigate why it is he is really unwilling to give it up - it feels much like an alcoholic doesn't want to give up their drinks for creativity/relaxation, etc but it becomes obsessive.
You and your kiddos may want to consider alanon for support in connecting with other families who are going through a similar situation
if he can't stop and can't work without it, it has surpassed the point of "recreation"
This support group may help you work through some of the feelings you are having and teach you new ways to better express those feelings to your husband:)
Good luck!!
