Why Does Our Adopted Son Scream Every Time His Dad Holds Him?

Biological kids do the same thing. No telling why, never heard of it lasting throughout their whole childhood.

I've spent an hour talking about what I learn as a foster, then adoptive mother.
Both times my posts disappeared so I'll make this short. Your son screams because he's scared. He's 2. A donut run with only his Dad will scare him more. He's not experienced that before. At 2 he doesn't recognize the reason for a donut run. He'll just know he's not with his mom and he's scared.

I suggest you do not have him sit on his Daddy's lap until he's comfortable with his Daddy at home. At 2 he has not learned to trust. He still doesn't recognize that when you are out of sight you still exist. Add these normal developmental stages to have an insecure life up to now and he has more difficulty with trust and object constancy than a 2 yo who was lovingly cared for by one mom and one dad.

Daddy needs to spend time with you and his Daddy. Often, at 2, a baby does cling to one parent and not the other.

I suggest you read about developmental stages so you'll better be able to meet his needs at that stage.

Later: when you ask questions that can be related to his adoption or life before adoption, it is very important to say in some way you adopted him. Everyone is formed in certain ways by their early experiences. Even babies adopted at birth are influenced by life in the womb. Some of your son's behaviour may be the result of having been by drug exposure before birth, by having a mother whose life was chaotic. If a baby's mother didn't take care of herself and her baby. That is one reason doctors focus on prenatal care. A baby's emotional as well as physical life is affected before he is adopted.

Of course he's your son. However, you have some challenges different than the parents of a birth child. I have had both experience and training in child development and how adoption influences the sense of well-being for the adopted child and the specific challenges for the parents.
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No no no to going away alone with dad for a while.

When I worked with infants and toddlers, their acclimation to me was a gradual thing. In the days before I started with the family, I would just 'be there'. I'd come over and have tea with mom and talk about the child's preferences and signals. Then, I might come in and just 'be around' with the child. Maybe the child would be playing with an object and I'd sit on the floor, near but not too close, and play too. I took the stance of "I'll let them come over to me when they are ready" and just kept being patient. I did not make the child my center of attention and if they were engaged, I didn't interrupt them. I respected the fact that they needed time to trust that I would be a stable, consistent and predictable person.

Your husband needs to take this same time. Just be on the floor. Sit down and read a book aloud. This is a very useful device, a book, because the attention of both parties is on the book, not the other person. It's a neutral object and 'safe'. This was an approach we would use to help 'gather' the toddlers and preschoolers. That said, it's not failsafe, so if I had a very tentative child with me, I'd grab the book AND a simple activity the child could do as well, to create a 'buffer' of space. And then, it will be the adult's consistency in sitting down and reading aloud that will eventually give the child courage to come over and see what's up. No expectations on the adult's part. Just, simply being there in a safe space.

You don't say how long you have had your son, but that would be my approach. I once had a child in my preschool who had huge meltdowns at drop off and told me to "shoo! Go away!" every time I approached him. So, I'd just say 'come to us when you are ready' and go about my time with the rest of the kids. It was discouraging at first, and then his mom told he he'd had a few open-heart surgeries in his short little life. That was an eye-opener. He'd been terrified, had been with strangers and woke up sore and hurting. *I* was a stranger for a long time, for him. Eventually, he'd get tired of sitting alone and being ignored and would come to us-- but only once we had started an art activity, something where the attention was not an 'exchange' (like Gathering or Circle Times, when we introduce ideas and ask questions/engage in imaginative talk) but the attention was focusd solely on what was on the table. Only then would he relax and feel safe.

Feel free to PM me if you want other ideas for inviting, engaging play your husband could just 'be doing' when your son comes in. I still remember the sand/water activities as being something many children engaged in parallel play in (playing alongside each other but not together, per se) which feel very inviting and safely stimulating. Hang in there.

please stop referring to him as "adopted" he is NOW YOUR SON.

Kids pick up on facial expressions, body language and tension. Your husband might be exhibiting those signs. Is he nervous about being a dad? Does he not know what to do?

When Tyler came back from deployments and our boys were young? While we skyped with him? To see him in PERSON? Well that terrified them. It took a few days and sometimes a few weeks for them to acclimate again.

Have your husband reach out to him with toys he likes to play with. Have him sit on the floor and start playing with the LEGOs or other faves and your son will start gravitating that way. When he does sit down with him? Your husband should NOT make a scene. Just let it happen.

How long have you had him? When we adopted it took much longer for my husband and son to bond than it did for me and him. Understandable considering I was a stay at home Mom. I know it's hard but please be patient. I would also encourage them to set up strict "daddy and me" things to do. A good one we used was my husband took them on Saturday a.m. to get donuts...just the guys. Good bonding time. Set up a few little rituals that do not include you.

I disagree with the posters who are fussing about you using the word "adopted" here. For heaven's sake - it's very important information here. Sadie is giving you good advice. Her question of whether you have just adopted this child or if you got him as an infant and he's just starting this pull-away from your husband is a good question and it would help if you'd update us so that we know. It makes a big difference in the answers you would get.

Nervy Girl is also giving you really good advice.

Why is he your "adopted" son? He's your son. He was born with issues. Children don't recognize "nice" - they recognize security, anxiety, consistency.

Your husband has to be consistent and relaxed, he should not hand the child back to you every time he cries, and he should meet that child's needs for food, snuggling, fun, bedtime, bath time, stroller time. If your husband is insecure, he needs to take a parenting course and children's first aid, etc. He needs to get down on the floor and quietly, gently play with some fun toys until his son comes over. You should be out of the house sometimes and have your husband provide 100% of the care. You should not get upset if the child cries when Dad holds him. Dad should not give up - good parents don't do that.

My guess is that it just takes time, and that the child is picking up on some of the anxiety.

Parents don't give up on children, they don't "get discouraged" - and it's particularly important for adopted children if they have a memory of a prior life with prior parents/caretakers. (I say this in case you didn't adopt him at birth and this is a new problem.) Adoption is forever - kids need to get that message verbally and non-verbally.

Welcome to mamapedia, Kat.

My now 14 year old son would SCREAM the minute his daddy walked home from work. Did it for the first year of his life. Now? They are peas in a pod.

Tell your husband to BREATHE!! Tell you husband that if HE "THINKS" he is going to be screamed at? It WILL show on his face and kids, well, kids KNOW body language.

I'm sure you are tense - he picks up on that - and then screams - because YOU are nervous for your husband. Why not sit and play in a "group" and let things happen? Don't FORCE your son on his daddy.

BREATHE...smile. laugh.

is it possible your husband smokes or wears cologne that upsets his senses?? He's 2 he should be able to express himself other than screaming. So ASK him. What's wrong? Keep it simple. Keep it easy. and BREATHE!!

Sometimes there's not a lot of sense to what kids do.
The thing that comes across to me is - your husband wants to have a positive relationship with this child and he doesn't know what to do to help get over the screaming.
It's going to take a lot of patience on your husbands part.
Support him - AND - make sure the child knows that YOU don't like it when the child is mean to dad.
Ear plugs might help everyone quite a bit.
When a kid is hardest to love is when they need the love the most.
Cross stitch that and hang it on your wall.
See if there's a support group for adoptive parents.
They might have a lot of good advice for both of you.

i don't know. he's a tiny fellow with a terribly difficult start in life, and i suppose he's got deeply grooved insecurities that take time to overcome.
i would assume that if you've adopted a drug-addicted toddler you and your husband had to have had some training and counseling, right?
this isn't an easy row to hoe. your husband has to be the adult and understand your family now includes a high maintenance toddler who isn't going to adjust smoothly and easily. hurt feelings have no place in parenting a little fellow like this.
good luck.
khairete
S.

Drug addicted/exposed babies have heightened senses so pay attention to his environment. If your husband is tense while holding him, your son will absolutely react to that and feel a lot of discomfort. He's got to relax and you need to be patient. Please consult with a professional who has experience with this.

I think the fact that your son is adopted is an important detail. Also the fact that he was born prematurely to a drug user.

It is so important that our world has such wonderful caring people with the desire to adopt children who often are not wanted. These kids need love too.

It could be a phase and it could be that the boy is damaged from the birth mother's drug use. Did you adopt him at birth or 3 months? Often if babies are not held a lot the first 3 months there could be serious emotional damage to the baby/person.

Age 2 is getting old for the screaming fits if your husband has been in his life the whole time. If you recently adopted then he could still be unfamiliar. Is the child speech delayed?

First, this is a normal developmental phase for all kids. But it can also be a reaction to a new situation. If your son is new to your family, he may have attached to you as being more familiar to what he may have experienced before his adoption. He may have had limited exposure to males which makes your husband seem strange. Couple that with a brand new environment with totally different things, he's could be very very confused and scared. When I adopted my daughters, we were told that it was quite common for the babies to attach to one parent more than the other. It was suggested that the non-favored parent start spending time alone with the baby, doing something familiar like meals, reading, playing with a favorite toy... Not long periods at first but gradually work up the amount of time spent together. It did work as all the babies in my daughters' groups attached to both parents over time. Good luck, it will get better!

Was your sons biological father abusive or anything towards him? My son went through a phase where he screamed at any male with facial hair, including my husband. I like Elaines idea though, make the donut run. What kid cries with a donut in his hand?

I think this is pretty normal. I've heard of a lot of babies and young kids going through a phase where they only want their mom, especially if you're with him more and/or breast feeding. My 4 month old literally just went through the same phase but thankfully it was short-lived. I just encouraged my husband to hold her and spend more time with her, even if she screamed. It got easier. Just be consistent and wait it out. Good luck!

How old was he when you adopted him? Birth? A year?

Did you take any parenting classes before the adoption? We had massive information about helping the little ones move through being away from their birth family. Some kids have horrible things happen to them before they come to us. We can't know what they went through.

I'd say get your family in some play therapy or something so kiddo can get used to playing with dad. The therapist can spot things that might be triggers for the little one too.