Why Do Teens Lie?

HI J.,

I am a stay at home mom now, but in my past life I was a middle school teacher. I recommend that you get a daily progress report system started with all her teachers ASAP so you catch any problems before her grades can slip. This will let her know that she can't lie to you or to her teachers. Good luck and unfortunately, this is so common!
hang in there!
Heidi

What is the natural consequence for lying? If she lies about spending time with a friend, does she lose time with that friend? if she lies about where she is, does she loose some of that freedom? In order to have freedom, she needs to maintain your trust. If she is lying, she is testing the boundaries to see how far she can go.
A book that really helped me with issues like this was "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk" by Adele FAber and Elaine Mazlish. It's a parenting god-send and has been highly recommended in many parenting and parent education fields and conferences I have been to.
Our daughters do change dramatically when they hit puberty, adn also that age, when they start to dissapear from us and find their way in peer groups, and often our daughters give up a lot of their personal strength in order to fit in (so maybe she is getting into behavior that is bad for her, so that she can fit in with a peer group).
You might try keeping a journal for you and your daughter, some place where you write notes to each other. start with keeping track of events and activities, and then slowly working into a little bit of appropriate disclosure about your life events, your feelings, and this will help her to learn how to disclose to you what is happening in her life. Sounds like she has done this to a point, but now she is a teen and things change, it's harder to do in person and much easier to do in writing.
Also, pay attention that she isn't 1) being bullied at school 2) getting into drinking or drugs 3) hasn't started experimenting with sex or any other tabou behavior that she feels would decimate her relationship with you. I have always felt that the most important thing is to teach our children that they can say anything, anything to us and we will always love and support them; it sounds liek you have a similar ideal. (I don't mean to imply that consequences wouldn't result, but that the consquence of telling the truth is much better than being caught in a lie).

I would say that whatever's going on, she's either afraid she'll get into trouble, or afraid of disappointing both of you.

Regardless of whether they believe they can talk to you about anything and everything or not, there are some things teens may never come to us(parents) about.

She may be having some trouble at school that she's upset about, it may be embarassing, or she may be trying to deal with it on her own.

If there's a way you can find out about her grades without having to depend on her to show you, you should do it, and then maybe have a discussion with her that if you felt you could trust her to be honest about something so important, and what's caused them to become so bad so quickly, that you wouldn't have to resort to such a thing. Maybe talk with her counselor at school, and discuss ways that you can all help her.

And, if grades and keeping them up are important, it may be time for her to have some consequences to letting them slip until she feels like letting you in on what's going on so you can maybe help her.

Whatever happens, I hope she's okay and that things turn around for her soon. Kids go through so much. Just let her know she can depend on you both to be her shelter from the storm.

K.

Teen years. Why do they lie? When I was a teen it was a constant occurence for me to be sweet and endearing lying through my teeth about going to a school event when really I was seeing my boyfriend. The reason I lied was because I wanted to do what I wanted to. Make decisions without input. Try things that are risky to see just how risky they really are. It's kinda like testing out the world to see how you handle yourself with a safety net back home, mom and dad. No one would send a child off to college with no sense of how to handle situations that come up. Teens in a sense are adults in training. Teens arn't trying to prove anything to mom and dad, but prove to themselves that they can live without mom and dad and be independant and in charge of their future. Like "I can do this" or "I know I can't do that" It's better to discover these things with a safety net, than to discover them after your responsibilities start piling up, school, job, rent, groceries, utilities, clothes, cleaning supplies, insurance payments, checking accounts, taxes. If she's doing something that she knows you don't like then she'd probably rather lie than be honest, especially when you have to face a parent. Honesty is hard for everybody. We lie to our bosses, our landlords, friends, spouses. Your teen is just human after all.

Because they can! The thing with lies is, if you don't start questioning and calling her on them, believe me it only gets worse. Follow through, follow through, follow through. If I had it to do over again I would look into some books with ideas on how to combat the lying. There is definitely something going on in her life that takes her from a B student to an F! That's a big flag. I would talk to her teacher, she might have a better idea of whether it is her inability to do the work, turn in the work, or care about the work. Good luck to you, my teen age daughters both lie, not sure why, but they are/were really good students.

oh teenagers got to love them

as a kid I always got pretty good grade but I went to a small grade school and it was easy as a jr high kid and then a freshman my grades got pretty bad there was just so much other stuff going on that school was not about doing work but more socializing. After my freshman year I did better I ending high school with a 3.5 gpa so not to bad for the failing freshman. She might just need sometime. As parents we tend to rush to fix things as soon as they go bad for our kids but maybe they just need to learn to fix it on there own.

Well one reason that teens lie is there is some part of their lives that they don't want their parents to know about it is not necessarilly that they are doing anything bad it is because they are trying to figure out who they are after all it dosen't matter how close you are will your parents as a teenage you don't want them to know everything. Dose she have any other adults that she is close to and can talk with? That may help she may need someone unrelated to her and the situation to just chit chat with.

I lied to my parents, looking right in the eye, for all my teenage years. I have no idea why. My parents were wonderful, supportive, and I love them a great deal. I didn't tell them about drinking, boys, sex, some drug use, school, nothing important. I would talk to them about surface things, stuff that wasn't very important. I felt that, as much as I loved them, they weren't a part of all the things I was going through. That's just the way it was. Finally, they sat down with me one day, and explained all the reasons they thought a situation was not right for me. They were respectful, and talked to me in an adult manner, like I was an intelligent young adult. And I found that I agreed with them. (I was 17 at the time.) It could have more to do with maturity level than anything else. Just keep trying, and talk to her about the important stuff, too. Don't let her keep it impersonal.

Your daughter is at an age of finding herself. If she lies, it is giving her some kind of power over you. If she is caught, isn't there a lot of conflict, maybe yelling? She knows to avoid that, just lie and tell them what they want to hear. I made a lot of noise when my son lied. I know that to this day he will do that to stay away from a "Big" lecture. Try to be sutle with your response, but stick with a consequence. You don't have to yell and lecture when she is caught, do it the soft quiet way. Just say, I'm really sorry that you made a bad choice to lie and be punished again. I hope you can make a better choice the next time.

As far as the grades, that is a red flag, but at her age, it could be problems with academics. Work gets harder. Ask the teacher. I hate to think you have to check into drug use, but it is claiming younger kids more all the time. Did she change friends, is she more lazy, does she want to be excluded from family activities? Don't let her. Maybe at 16, but not now. Keep her close with eyes open. Parents are the only people who can try to save our children from themselves. It's a battle. Be prepared for the rest of the school years and be tough. Tough love!

avoidance of consequence of their actions. not wanting to let down those they look up to. lack of self confidence. It's a difficult time in a teen's life as they are trying to grow up but still stay under the safety of their parents. They are trying to find their own identity and not wanting to betray their family. It's a big internal conflect and probably feel they have to please everyone.

The fact that she has gone from a "b" student to an "f" student in one trimester is a big red flag to me... I've been told that this could be a sign of depression, or drug/alcohol use... maybe she has met new "friends" that are not influencing her well?

If it were me, since you've already tried talking to her, I would talk with a doctor and/or with the school about her behavior... Have you met all of her friends? Her friends' parents? She may not like it, but I would feel that this is a time to really "butt-in" to her life and find out what is going on.

Good luck, I hope everything works out well for you and your family.

I agree with the progress reports with her teachers on a regular basis. Set up meetings with her teachers and her present so she can see that you all care. Of course, intially, she will feel VERY ganged up on and defensive. But, when she is alone and really thinks things thru, even if way down the road, she will appreciate how much you cared to go thru that for her. My step daughter went thru a hard stage and we (all 4 parents and teachers) had a meeting. She thru a full blown teen temper tantrum, throwing herself in the air, flopping on the floor, threatening to run away, etc. When she realized that ultimately she had the control to chose how easy or hard things were gonna be for her, she got her head on straight. Now, she is 16 and wonderful. It was a very hard stage, but that is what it was, A STAGE. Remember that, but also remember how important it was to be consistent when she was only 2. It's the same now, they are just bigger. If she sees an inch, she will try for a mile. Happy parenting! :)

We think we are being open and honest by creating dialogue with our kids. This is a fantasy. What we are really doing is being nosey. Teenagers need space to find their place in the world. That means not answering to adults. The best thing you can do is support her, let her know you are there when she needs you, and back off. She is lying to get the space she needs to figure things out for herself. Let her know that it's okay to have privacy. Let her know that somethings, she needs to let you in on for her safety, but leave the rest alone. Isn't that what you wanted when you were a teen? That's sure how I'd have liked it.

Although pre-teens/teens are constantly going through challenges at their age, as a teacher, the B to F thing is really concerning. That is major and I would be wondering about teen depression, change of friends/poor choices, experimentation and such. What is her explanation for the dramatic academic change? Be straight with her and say that it is a red flag to a parent that something else is going on and if she doesn't want to talk about it, you will really be watching to figure it out because you love her.

It has been my experience that teens lie because they are not ready to face the truth or the consequences of that truth. When my daughter is working on a problem, she will lie to me first, then tell me what was going on later. I always asked them to consider not lying to me first, and just say, "I am working on it, and I will get back to you later."
It is a hard time to survive. But when they are older, they will thank you for being there.:~)