Child Cannot Tell Truth to save His Life!!!!!!!

Great articles and some really good advice.

You must be so frustrated! I know lying really irks me to the core!!

Well, here's what I can add to the conversation:
My Mom imparted to be mindful not to "trap" children into feeling like lying was an option. I don't hear people talk about this much so I thought it was worth adding.

She never asked us if we did something if she already knew the answer...

I hear a lot of parents say:
-What are you doing?
-Did you do your homework?
-Did you clean your room?
-Did you turn the light off in your room?

Instead of:
-Why are you doing that? (instead of...)
-Let's see your homework... (you don't have any? Wow, we should double check - I wouldn't want you to get into trouble with your teacher...)
-Next commercial break I want you to clean your room, as fast as you can, and I'll holler as soon as the show's back on so you don't miss any of it...
-I saw the light on in your room... please go turn it off for me.

You're not leaving room for a response that's false. It takes some thinking I'll tell ya! But maybe changing the way you approach them will help? Break the cycle?

I really hope this helps you - and that you figure out what works for you! Hang in there, breaking this now will make them better people for the rest of their lives - and that's what parenting's really all about, isn't it! :)

T.

I have a 10 year old son, and went through this myself. First, I tried explaining to him why lying is not right, and I couldn't trust him... that didn't work. Then I tried giving him a teaspoon full of vinegar, that worked for a while, and finally the last time he lied... I made him right a paper on why lying is not right, how it makes him and others feel to know he lied. It had to be 1 full page in length. That did the trick... no lying since! Good Luck!
A.

I loved those articles that were sent to you. My son who will be 16 yrs in June started doing this when he was in school. It has done to our relationship what the article said. We have fought because I don't believe what he says. I never took him to couseling. He's a pretty good kid though. Never skips, in sports, does good in school (could do better), very neat concerning room and his own clothes. As he's maturing and I am loosening the apron strings it seems the relationship is getting better.

Your in an added position that you are the step mom. So he doesn't know you like he would his own mom. Is he with you all the time? And sometimes moms who are in a divorce/single parenting situation can find themselves very stressed and therefore have tempers and possibly scare their own kids. I've been on both sides so I can give an opinion on this. Your kids are sooo young. Let him know that you'll love him anyway and give him a big hug. Let him be reassured that your not going to snap. Don't ever let him see you lie.

I'm just wondering; his parents aren't together so would he think (like my son) that he needed to lie to keep his dad, mom, you around. ???

K.,
Normally I would not tell a lie. Neither will I encourage someone to lie. However, Bill Cosby told a story once about his son who had the same problem. He told his father that he would do a certain chore while Bill was out of town and have it down by the time he got back. The night before his return, he talked to his wife who said that the son had not done the chore after the son told his dad he had. Bill talked to his son and told him to do the chore and he would not punish him when he got home. After returning home the next day, he took his son to look at the thing and then took him to the barn and spanked his little behind for not doing what he said and for lying! When the son protested, Bill just looked him in the eye and said, "Now you know how it feels to be lied to."
Moral of the story, I would pick something really important to your children, like going someplace they want to go, and then not take them. When they yell or cry about it, I would tell them, "See how disappointing it is when someone lies to you?" And then stick to your guns! If they say, why would you lie to us, say,"Because I didn't want you to go, but I was afraid that if I told you, you would get mad at me!"
Object lessons are usually better than words when someone refuses to "get" it.
God Bless You

I caught one of my kids in a lie at about your son's age. We talked about it, and I told him it rocked my trust in him. Then I gave him a gift: I gave him my trust. I told him that, despite former lies, we would go forward from that point with him having my complete trust and it would be his so long as he always told me the truth.

Then I positively reinforced truth-telling. I started immediately with "It's so nice, being able to trust you." It grew into "I know I can trust you to make good choices so, if you think you can be in [whatever situation] without it being a problem, you can go. AND, if you find yourself in trouble, call at any time and I'll come get you, no questions asked."

When he told me something that wasn't the easiest to tell, I always thanked him for it.

He developed into a kid who came to his dad and me when he wanted to do something other kids were sneaking out to do -- toilet papering, for example. We talked about it, set some parameters (geographical boundaries, let us know when you're going, NO papering to be mean -- friends only, etc.), and told him we trusted him.

Lying has never been a problem ever since. I gifted him with my trust and have never had to take it back.

NOTE: A habitual liar might not have the ability to tell the truth right away. He might initially need to have some leeway, some time to come back and tell the truth after he's told a lie. Tell him up front that, if that were to happen -- if he would come forward with the truth, on his own after telling a lie, and apologize -- the reception he'd receive would be a hug, a huge smile, your pride in him, and increased trust.

Always act in love,

C.

I know this sounds mean but this is what I use on my daughter, and it does work. Give your kids 1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon dry baking cocoa. It tastes terrible because it is so bitter, but it won't hurt them. Tell them that just like the cocoa is bitter in their mouths, the lies they tell are bitter to your ears. After a couple times of that, your son (and daughter too) should think twice before telling a falsehood. Just make sure that he has water handy.

K. -

I am so sorry you are so frustrated! I hope I can help a little. One "tough love" tidbit I learned from a child psychologist is that kids (really humans for that matter) do what pays for them. There is obviously some sort of payoff or not enough consequence for their lying. They do what works. You mentioned that you have discussed why it isn't good and that it comes with consequences but you didn't mention what you do when they do lie other than get mad...as any parent would.

I found two quick and easy articles that help with lying.

Here are the links: http://www.childzilla.com/articles/75/stop_lying.aspx
http://www.nodeception.com/articles/children_compulsive.htm

They go through why kids lie and how to help correct this behavior. I read through them both and thought it could be quite helpful!

I applaud that you are trying to tackle this issue. He will be in his teen years before you know it and it will obviously become an even larger issue then. Getting this "nipped in the bud" now will make for smoother paths ahead. I hope you will find some help! It WILL get better. Just be calm and consistent with your actions! Good luck!

You didn't specifically say what they are lying about, but what I have experieced with people who lie or exaggerate is whatever they say is how they wish it had happened or how they want you to see the world. For example, I made a better grade than so-in-so, everyone else is doing it, or I didn't do it. So, if my children were to tell those lies, I think...oh, they need assurance that I see them as smart, or if I convince Mom it's okay she'll let me do xyz, or I wish I were free from responsibility. Depending on the infraction, I tell them I know are fibbing, pulling my leg, or lying. I look into their eyes and call them on the lie then respond to the need they are tryng to fulfill...Your teacher said you got a D, I love you no matter what your grades are but what are we going to do for next test? OR It's okay that everyone else is doing it and applaud their parents for allowing it..it isn't allowed in our house. Or I saw you hit so-in-so, you need to take a time out or grounded. I try and put the focus on the why they would want the world to be like that. I think the lying will go away when they are reassured and/or accountable for the actions leading up to the lie.

I have both extremes - one child who absolutely cannot tell a lie and another who (used to) lie just as a matter of course. My daughter who lied all the time has really curbed it. I think kids who lie don't have the guilt about it that most people do. It's their comfort zone. She would exaggerate or blatently lie, and I believe it because that's what she wanted the truth to be. I let her know how important telling the truth is, and lying causes me to lose trust in her. To her, the worst thing was not believing her. I would call her on the lies that I knew were lies - question her and tear apart her answers until the story got so stupid she finally had to admit the whole thing was a lie. Then with things I had no way of knowing were lies or not, I had to assume they were lies. I'd tell her she has lied to be before so there was no reason to believe that this wasn't a lie too. She really did not like it when I didn't believe her - even if it was something that didn't matter. It took a few years (she's a very strong willed child) but now, at age 16, she is mostly honest and is proud of it. She values my believing and trusting her. She still slips up from time to time, but the one thing she finally stopped doing was faking being sick. She now sees the benefit of being truthful - when she says she's sick now, I believe her. Before, she had faked it so often, I just sent her to school no matter what she said - I would tell her there is no way of knowing if you are sick or not because you cried wolf too many times. Unless I saw vomit, she had to go to school. It's a tough thing to work through, but the natural consequences of losing your trust is a strong deterrant. And, of course, rewarding for telling the truth has to go along with it. When my daughter would admit to doing something wrong I would tell her I appreciate her honesty and her punishment was much smaller than it would have been had she lied abouti t.