Why Do I Feel like My Husband Has So Much More Freedom

Oh I completely understand. My husband traveled all the time. He would come home and tell me about going out to eat, playing darts, having adult conversations while I was home taking care of HIS kids and watching Barney for the gazillionth time! I did everything because he would be gone for 3 weeks at a time.

I would take a couple of "Mommy Only" trips. Visit friends, visit my parents. It was wonderful. I needed that time without him or the kids so I could recharge my batteries. I then decided to go back to school.

Find what helps you. Give up some of the control and go out without the kids. Enjoy life!

What are you waiting for? It sounds like you can afford a sitter or just give him a little notice and hand him the kids and go have some fun!

If he can do all that, then he can take off a few days to stay home with the kids so you can have a girl's weekend with friends. Start planning a fun trip! If he can, so can you. You deserve fun, away time too to recharge, and relax.

Just trying to give you some perspective, perhaps help you down off that cross. He is going on a lunch time bike ride, you are doing homework with the kids? What kind of school is out at lunch?

We had to talk you into going on a trip that your husband agreed to. You didn't cancel your Grand Canyon trip did you?

Giving baths? Does he or doesn't he?

Just seems to me your wounds are self inflicted. He is choosing to do things, you are choosing to stay home. No one is actually asking you to do 90%.

Stop getting mad at your husband and start planning stuff. You are the only one stopping yourself. It would be different if you had babies but you don't so stop holding yourself back and being mad at your husband for not doing it to himself.

It drove me crazy until I realized I was allowing it to happen.
My husband always got his gym time during the week, golf time on weekend mornings. At first I was resentful but then I realized, hey, I can go do stuff too!
Your house and family isn't going to fall apart if you're not there doing everything, all the time.
So give him a heads up, make some plans, and then go DO IT.
Whether it's going to work out, meeting up with friends, shopping or taking a class, whatever it is you'd like to do, just let him know, hey babe, I need you to be home Saturday morning until about 1:00 because I'm going to do XYZ.
Then go do it and don't worry about whether or not he does breakfast the way you do or makes sure they brush their teeth or not.
They will all survive and you will be a much happier more relaxed mama!

I say no. I have always done my thing. Hubby being active duty you learn how to do things for you. The kids were taken care of and the house ran smoothly. You make a schedule and you put you on it.

Get a calendar for the year and put all the activities on it and include what you want to do and for how long. Hubby can then make plans to take care of the house and the kids for that time while you are gone. Talk to some friends and go away for a week and don't feel guilty about it. If you don't do it no one else will care what happens to you. So think me first sometimes and let the chips fall where they may.

Home is home and it does not have to look like a magazine cover. People live in houses and make them homes and not staged for sale.

I live in the desert and the wind blows the fine dust in the house. So if you do dust in an hour it will have a think film all over it again. You learn to deal with it and make it look good for company. We have been taught over the years that a woman is supposed to keep the home and children and the this and that while hubby works outside the home. Well sometimes it is time to share the work load. There is always counseling if you cannot speak to him.

Good luck. Life is too short to get this worked up over who is or is not at home doing what.

the other S.

PS Did you do the Grand Canyon?

I could have written this post myself.
And I could give you all the answers about taking time for yourself. But if you're like me, it's not the same.
I can go out with my friends, take days off work, too. But it always feels like I'm the one who has to get back to manage everything. It all just goes on hold while I'm gone.

I have a great life, and have no business complaining.
But I still am! :)

When my kids were young I felt like you did. I joined a bowling league. I didn't care squat for the bowling. But one night each week I was not in charge of the kids or the dinner or the baths etc. I did usually leave directions of some sort. But I left about 5 and came home about 10. I sometimes just grabbed a burger and read for an hour before bowling. Sometimes I shopped. Sometimes meet the girls for pizza. It didn't matter it was my time. We also went for the state bowling tournament. It was held in various parts of the state each year. We stayed in cruddy cheap hotels, ate out. Went to movies (a strip club on my 30th birthday but that's a secret lol) and just had girl time. I did that til my kids were in high school. As they got older and my time shifted a little because they were in school I added in a book club and some classes at the college. You need some you time. And I would suggest that maybe you could visit your mom or grandpa by yourself. It will be more fun for both of you.

Absolutely! And I work full time and am the primary breadwinner... Always have been. My husband works hard. I just make more. And I do all the planning, homework, bedtimes etc that you mention. I can get so mad yet same time, I do it to myself. I COULD take off and go do something. I have a friend who does plenty of little trips. I have several girlfriends who go out with friends or to work out and leave their kids with their husbands or a sitter plenty. It helps when I remind myself I could too and it's my choice to never go anywhere bc I feel guilty about working. If we both have husbands who say it's ok to go, then it's really our own fault right? ... :) Aren't you taking a big rafting trip? That'll be good! Btw- I know a number of SAHM's with cleaning people, they send their kids to camp, hire part time nannies etc. If you can afford it, maybe you should too!

Why don't you take some freedom for yourself? Stop being a martyr. If you want some time off, then then plan a vacation for yourself and have him take some time off from work to care for the kids. He sounds like a good man who has a lot of energy. He's not a mind reader. If you want more time for activities and interests, talk to him about how to find better balance.

Maybe it's because I work FT and my kids are all school-age so I'm not taking care of little ones anymore, but I just don't understand why people live with this inequality. I have 4 kids and manage to carve out the time I need to do things I enjoy. You can too. Figure out what, specifically, you want and then make it happen.

Meh. It did until I realized we all orchestrate our own "freedom" to a degree.
Your husband sounds like the kind if man who would do just fine solo with the kids for a week.
See, that's when moms often realize they're really right where they want to be.....😝

I think you're only problem is that your invalidating your own feelings by saying how you "should" feel.

If you want to get out of the house, then you should.

Could you go with him on a business trip? Or do your own? Leave the kids with someone.

Or get a job.

I'm about to get a job in a few months after our move to another state. I don't feel guilty about it at all. My children will go to preschool and learn tons. And I'll get some of my freedom back. :)

My husband's freedom is well-earned. When my son was younger and he traveled more, yes, there were some times I was jealous. Husband would be on a work trip to say, London, taking a couple extra days to meet up with a British buddy, and would have a whole itinerary of delicious food and fun things to share with me. I'd glare through his head and think "yeah, and the high point of your trip for me was trying to walk the kid to sleep for a nap in the stroller, failing, and finally sitting on the front porch and staring at the neighbor's house blankly while I let a trickle run from a hose for an hour *so our toddler had something else to do but need me*."

Yep, you did hear a little 'grrrr' in there.

That said, here's the thing: we have to ask for what we need. We need to be just as proactive at making plans to get out of the house and do things we like as we are at scheduling our kids' social lives. Once I started deciding that I would make an effort to get out for things that I needed: taking a walk, going out to read a book and sip a cup of tea or have a beer alone (blissful quiet!), spending time with friends-- once I started identifying what recharged my batteries, I started asking for that time.

I'd also talk to your husband about taking the kids to his folks for a short trip and letting you stay home for a few days. My husband has taken Kiddo to the beach overnight a couple times, just to give me some peace.

Long story short: a few years ago, yes, I probably could vent with you. My son is older, more capable (make sure you are having your kids help you, by the way-- not doing anyone any favors by doing everything for them because it is 'easier' or takes less time) than he was a few years ago. At this point, I know it's really about seasons-- some seasons, I'm at home a lot and more necessary to keep things running at home, and during others, I'm more social, go out more, make more plans to just get away for a bit.

And for what it's worth, what also really helped me is to remember that nothing is going to be 'even' when it comes to down time. In our house, I'm the SAHM and my husband wins the bread. I know that his job does come with some pressure on him to be a lot of things to a great many people, and so if he needs some extra 'down time' or a night out with a buddy, I chalk it up to him taking care of himself. And that's what you should do too-- take care of yourself.

Just remember, no one is going to do it for you. So be assertive, tell your husband what you need and work out a plan so you can stop feeling resentful about this. Good luck!

ETA: One thing I want to add-- when you do talk to him, do it in a loving and solution-oriented way. No guilting, no blame, just tell him what you want.

I hear you. Here is what I have learned.
Men are not women.
This is a generalization, because of course there are exceptions.

Generally men do not care about all of the things we care about. They do not constantly think about all of the tiny and little things we constantly think are important or need to get done. They do not care which milk they drink. What detergent to use, bath soap is all bath soap.

They are the big picture people. We are the tiny detail people.

They see something that is important to them and they react or plan for that. We see everything as being our responsibility in the end.

My husband and I were married for 10 years before we had a child. She was very planned. Once I felt like he and I were really able to communicate, to be honest, knew each other, good and bad, I felt like we could then be selfless enough to raise a child.

I know I need sleep. If I do not have sleep, I cannot function. When I am hungry, I have to stop and eat. My husband has ADHD. We all know this and work with this. He has no memory. It has to be written down, EVERYWHERE. He has no sense of time. ANYTIME..

We have realistic expectations of each other and when I want to do something, I do it. I plan, I save, I schedule.

When he wants to do something, he tries to jump right into it. BUT he has learned to call and give me a heads up and if I remind him of other things, I do let him of course decide if he wants to change or alter plans.

This is what works for us. But it did take marriage counseling and a lot of reminding, lots of writing things down, emailing, messaging and also giving up some control.

If I want to go to Happy Hour with my friends. I do plan it to make sure he does not have conflicts. If he wants to take a 2 week trip with his dad, I do my very best to make that happen with my schedule. When I have needed to or wanted to go on a trip, he does the same thing, he works out a way he can handle this.

The secret is communication. If you do not speak up and say what it is you need or want, no one, NO ONE can read your mind. It is your responsibility to share with your partner what your needs and expectations are.

And FYI, If my husband cleans the house, I am thrilled no matter what the outcome. If it is not what I consider perfect, I keep my mouth shut. It is his best and I am thrilled.

When we could not keep up with the house work, I found a house keeper. Her main job was to do laundry, clean the bathroom and mop the kitchen floor. I then found a laundromat in the neighborhood that the attendant would do our laundry, even fold it, for only $25.! ALL of it!

So search for some solutions. Figure out what it is you need from him or from outside help and just do it. You are the mom, you hold the power. You gave birth to a human being, you can do anything!

Yup, the way I see it, that's being a Mom. I find myself thinking of the days when my boys will be gone and wonder what the heck I'm going to do with myself. I have forgotten how to just relax because there is always something that needs doing!!

I get very resentful about it as well. Heck, I'm jealous that my husband has a 20 min. commute to work. He can listen to music or the radio (whatever station he chooses) and just relax and drive. I'm home finishing up with the daycare kiddos and starting dinner for the family.

M

Nice vent.

"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." Everybody else's life is always better than ours - our spouse's, our friend's, our neighbor's, and definitely the celebrities everybody talks about. Of course, we don't know what they're thinking about our lives (the celebrities aren't, but the others might be). They're probably seeing the good things about what we do, envying our freedom, and feeling sorry for themselves that they're so stuck..

Ask yourself if you'd like to see your husband "ticked off" by all the pleasurable things you might do. If that's so, then you need to talk to a counselor.

If it isn't the case, then do some planning for yourself. "Jim, please give me a schedule of your work trips for the next three months. Some time in that space, when you're not traveling, I'm going to take a two or three day trip by myself, and I'll need you to be at home holding down the fort - or helping whoever will be taking care of things during the day while you're at the office."

I don't know how old your children are, but if they're in school, ask the school authorities if they can be out of school for a week so you all can go with your husband to his next Alaska race. It would be a change of scenery at the very least. If you can turn it into a teaching week of some sort, maybe the school would go for it. Can't hurt to ask. Be proactive.

It sounds like you have a good man, and I understand where you are coming from. But you're not doing 90%, that's your perception. You both do things and today you just feel like you have more. We all have these days. It's okay to feel this way, but take control of it.

Go plan trips for yourself, drop the kids at a sitter and go do something you love (workout, shop (fun stuff for you), spa, etc). I started to tell my husband my plans versus asking him if he was available. I know his schedule for his things (every Sunday he plays softball) so I don't step on that time, but if I do need to, he takes the kids and it's no problem.

Communicate. Tell him how you are feeling.

To answer your question, yes...my husband's freedom drove me nuts and a huge wedge between us until we really talked about it. Not saying it's still 50/50, but it is 50/50 in terms of what works for us. We are honest with our needs and things are much smoother now.

If you feel like you're being taken advantage of, stop allowing it.
Take a vacation by yourself and let him manage the kids and the house for a couple of weeks.

Yes. I feel your frustration and jealousy. Been there to some degree.

It's like that old adage that moms don't get a vacation. Even on vacation you are still being mom--you can't turn it off. You still worry about your kids. You still are mostly in charge of taking care of them.. meals, snacks, what to take, what might get left behind (favorite toy/blanket?), they're grouchy and need a nap, time for baths and bed, sunscreen, etc. Buying them clothes even... when do dads ever actually do that? But somehow kids make it from baby to teen without dads actually buying them clothes. (calm down folks--we all know there are dads that actually have bought clothes--I'm just generalizing here).

And yes, life can be wonderful!! But these little moments when you realize that you are never "off the clock" and Dad seems to be, really suck sometimes.
Been there. I will tell you that to some degree it fades as the kids get older. When they become a little more independent. When they can make their own sandwich for lunch on Saturday. When they can take their own bath (and will do so without you prompting!). When they decide they are tired and say their goodnights and go to bed--of their own volition.
These days will come.
Hang in there.

Sounds like you are pining for some freedom/adventures too. Alert your husband that you will be making arrangements for some, and then go. He'll manage, the kids will manage, you will comeback refreshed and less resentful.

Following your return, see if you can tweak your household responsibilities so you aren't stuck with those things that you consider drudgery.

Make up 2 copies of a list of jobs. each of you highlight your list with colors for enjoy, don't mind, and hate. compare and contrast your lists for an amicable re-distribution of labor.

Best,
F. B.

if it were that one-sided it WOULD have bugged me. but we really did have equal freedom (and equal indentured servitude<G>.) my sanity-saver during the busy child-rearing years when we both worked full-time and had kids involved in a bunch of activities was my horse- come hell or high water, even if it meant being at the barn in the wee hours, my husband did it all so i could ride (or groom or just be with my mare) a few times per week.
don't be pissed off at him for enjoying all the aspects of his life. just figure out how to schedule things so you can too. what would you LOVE to do that doesn't involve your kids? figure that out, and then talk to him about how to make that happen on a regular basis. you deserve it!
khairete
S.

Sounds like you need your own vacation. I take a girls' trip every year and it is greatly needed. My husband is actually happy to let me go, because I come back feeling refreshed and have a new sense of energy. You just need a responsibility free break every once in awhile.

I feel your pain! My hubby has a stressful job that requires a LOT of travel (2-3 weeks a month). I get he's working, I get it's stressful - but it's stressful in SAN DIEGO - while I'm roasting in TX at soccer practice. My dh also does a lot around the house and with the kids, sometimes more than me, when he's home. However, he's not home much. Add in weekend archery trips, hunting trips, and golf and sometimes I get a little bitter. I just keep telling myself that a happy husband is a helpful husband, and it helps appease the green monster a little. I also have to remember that he's missing stuff too - this week it's 4th grade graduation, final honor choir performance, and 6th grade honors awards ceremony. I get to be there for all of that, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Why don't you schedule a retreat for yourself and let your Husband know that he'll be holding down the fort while you are away?
It doesn't have to be anything expensive or fancy.
I'd like a week of walking on a beach and looking for shells, reading a book, spend some time in a swimming pool - in short just doing nothing but recharging my batteries and being responsible for no one but me for a little bit.
You can do fun things too.
Just DO it instead of letting resentment build up.

I completely understand and can relate. It doesn't seem like you have spoken to your husband about this. Have you? If you have not, then he is not doing anything wrong, because he doesn't know how you feel. If you have told him how you feel and he has done nothing about it (i.e., suggesting you plan a girls weekend trip, etc.), then shame on him.

Talk to your husband, and tell him (don't ask him, TELL him) nicely that you are planning a girls weekend trip soon because you need a break and need to get away, like he does. If he doesn't understand, it's time for marriage counseling. Hopefully he will understand! Another suggestion (in addition to a girls weekend trip): meeting friends for coffee, lunch, or dinner either weekly or bi-weekly. Good luck!

The only "fair" I know of is a carnival and it's too crowded so I don't go. That's the only "fair" in the world that I'm aware of.

I think you assume too much. Go ahead and plan a trip for yourself and just tell hubs I'm going and you'll need to figure out how to care for the kids and then just go. He can call in sick if he fails to make arrangements. But I bet it will only happen the first time. After that, when you say you're going, he'll get right on the childcare arrangements. BUT if you do it for him the first time, plan to do it every time. You have to train him.

I think it's somewhat mental freedom... All the details we have to deal with as mothers. If we go a way for a weekend, we plan all the stuff at home. Men just go! So I know what you mean. I figure it doesn't last forever...

I completely understand. I have and do feel the same way.

I find this to be the case most of the time. It's like we as mom's continue to do all the things that mom's did when all mom's got to stay at home AND also adding full time positions outside the home. While dad's continue to enjoy just worrying about themselves. Obviously there are exceptions and these statements are a wide generalization but still valid I believe.

Honestly, when they do step up it's still doesn't free us up because there are a million other things we still try to take care of (things that they completely ignore).

**Added...JB commented about working full time and not knowing why we live this inequality. We certainly don't live it by conscience choice. I work full time but have lived this inequality too. It's been a major source of contention for a long time. Not because of this (although it is honestly a contributing factor), our relationship is over and NOW he's trying to pull his weight. So I would tell you that you do need to find time for yourself. Don't just suck it up and go on because it will fester and one day you will snap (or your relationship will).

Have you talked to your husband? Because if you haven't he thinks life is awesome and everyone is happy. This has happened in my marriage, where I think everything is awesome but hubby is unhappy about something. When he talks to me about it, I can do something. (Usually give him more physical affection. I'm not a super demonstrative person but he is, so I sometimes need reminders that he needs more hugs or whatever.)

My husband and I are equal parents, right now I get up with the baby because I'm on maternity leave, but when I go back to work we'll both be. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've given one of our kids a bath or put our daughter to bed. On the rare occasion I have to, she makes sure to tell me how daddy does it and how I'm doing it wrong. She does the same thing to him at snack time. We both keep track of the kids' schedules. He makes lunches in the morning before I get up, I just have to put them in the lunchboxes when we get ready. He leaves before we get up, so I do all the morning stuff and he does the bed stuff.

On the weekends, we divide the chores. I hate vacuuming, mopping, and dusting, so he does that. I cook, he does the dishes and vice versa.

Your husband needs to know that you want help. Do you need him to physically help you more, or do you want to hire a maid? Or find a drop in daycare (we have a couple in our area) to drop the kids off a couple of days a week so you can have time to yourself? Figure out what you want before you talk to him so he can actually help in a concrete way.

I have found that I feel the same way you do about my life. It really hit home on my husband's last birthday when I said have a day to do whatever you want and his response was "I already do whatever I want." I was so upset because I feel like I rarely do what I really want. Unfortunately I am the problem not him. He is just able to make time for himself and not feel the guilt. Also, a part of me needs to be in the driver's seat with the house and kids even when I did work full time. I have started making an effort to take time just for me, whether it be a quick evening trip out to a bookstore or a workout. It has helped but my jealousy still gets the better of me sometimes.

I so feel your pain. I think he does his job and what I tell him to and there is NOTHING else he has to think or worry about. I wonder how that would feel, not to have more than a few things in his head....compared to us where there are hundreds every minute. He too travels out of town for days/weeks at a time, and there are days that he has no work (flying) and he gets to sit in a hotel room or wander about. All while I am dealing with everything you have listed here...for 4 kids. I am losing it slowly....glad to know I have company along with the ride ;)

I do try to keep thinking that I do have all the fun with the kids (as he is never home to enjoy them). And I love that. I would not want the roles reversed, as I know he will look back some day and realize he missed his kids growing up (or maybe he won't, not sure some days if he cares).

I guess I'm speaking for my own self, here,
I don't Want to plan my own trip, I don't want tit for tat, he gets a bike ride I get a pedicure.

I Want my hubs to CHOOSE to spend time with us. I Want that his very first priority and very first actions are ones that SHOW how very much he wants to be doing things for and with us.

Of course we all need down time and time to recharge but to me reading your vent, it doesn't sound like he cares to be there for the everyday stuff, he sounds like a divorced dad, a Disneyland dad, that gets to have fun with the kids every other weekend or when it fits his work schedule and the rest of the time he is free and easy. I'm sure I'm exaggerating a little but this fall when my hubs was having so much fun with everyone else but me, that is totally how I felt. He was encouraging me to travel and go out with friends, but that wasn't what I needed, I needed to know that Our Family, THat "I" as his wife, was more important to him than golfing and football and guy time and work time. that he was pining for us if I were to go away, instead he was packing my bags for me. which totally felt like rejection. it was bad. I spoke up not to ask for my own time away but to explain how much his time away hurt us. I think we are past it but it's a constant balancing act.

yup first world problems but problems none the less.

What would he say if you suggested that YOU go on a trip for a while and leave the kids with him, or to hire a sitter for that time?

For me, I know I'm not getting any solo trips unless I have a really reliable family member to watch my kids, because my husband taking off work means a lot less income for us, and he doesn't want anyone to watch the kids overnight unless they are family.

Where does your husband stand on that?

Today my husband left for a 6 day biz trip with his best friend, who happens to need to go to the same conference. Fun for them; sucks for the kids and I. I get ya!

Read the post listed right before yours, then thank your lucky stars.

Have you considered going to work? It would give you your own money and you'd have outside activities for yourself.

You could also hire a housekeeper to help you and then you could have your evenings free except for dinner and dinner clean ups.

I think you have a nice life. Your husband sounds amazing. If you were able to travel for work and eat out and do a lot of fun things without the hubby and kids it might make your feel more useful.

Another idea is to put a calendar on the front of the fridge or on the wall where everyone comes and goes. Color code everyone. All my activities are green, hubby's are blue, girl is pink, and boy is red. Put each person's activities on google calendar or some other online program.

I put every single thing on our calendar. Even over lapping things. I put reminders on them and have those sent to my cell phone. I also invite my husband so when I get a reminder he gets one too.

Use one that allows various email addresses. I used to use one and everyone had to have that address, like yahoo.com or gmail.com. If you use one where you can invite anyone in your contacts regardless of what email address they have.

This way he's just as responsible to get kids places as anyone else. Take an evening or two off. It's you that's allowing him to have all the fun. Take some for yourself.

My husband is a doc and and on call all the time. I love that he can have a leisurely lunch out, or an occasional mid- week golf or sport fishing trip to relax. He helps as much as he can. But he is married to his phone and email. We are both tied down. Him, to owning his own business and the needs of his patients. People depend on him all hours of the night and day. I do not resent his freedom from caring for kids. I am happy for him. But it is true, my freedom is so much more restricted. I wish my husband would go out and do fun things while I take kids up a week early to see my parents before he joins us. Instead he misses us and pines for us. Kind of sweet I guess. If he had time for all kinds of hobbies, I can see where I could get irked. In a way, its good that we are both so tied down.
I think you should schedule a girls weekend and leave kids with him. Sounds like you need him to get a taste of what you do and you need a taste of what he gets to do. Hopefully he is not so daft with child care, you can trust him to do this for you?
I think you should defiantly share your feelings with him without blaming him.

Maybe a little bit more time to yourself would you feel like you had more 'freedom' back. If your husband is as helpful as you describe, maybe he wouldn't mind being on kid care duties while you take a class (yoga? pottery? jewelry making?) once a week. He could also step up every once in a while for you to go on a Mom's Night Out with some of your friends.

As SAHMs we are uniquely on-call 24/7 for our families, especially when our kids are very young. If you don't get some time to recharge it can be overwhelming.

You need to let yourself go off for weekends away WITHOUT the kids. How will he ever know what you do if you never let him do it?

I've been gone and let my husband and kids handle things together. It's been good for them. It letes them know that things don't just get done MAGICALLY, and that they need to appreciate mom.

For heaven's sake, do this. Post some pictures of your own walking on a beach or having a beer somewhere. Instead of venting about it, go take some trips ON YOUR OWN. That way you don't have to be jealous.

I really mean it. They can't fully appreciate you if you never leave!!