Why Can't I Say No

Updated on September 29, 2013
S.F. asks from Chico, CA
7 answers

I have this friend that i have known since 7th grade,we are now in our middle 30s. She has been there for me as have I. She has a lot of health issues and is homeless and only gets a check from her SSA(Not Much). She always seems to ask me if she can borrow money right around payday,i don't mind helping out,but i do,I am so conflicted, I love this friend,but at the same time i feel angry. She knows i'm a single mother,and she does tend to help me out anytime i need a sitter. Am I being silly for cpmplaining to you all or should i just go on my merry Lil way and keep doing what i am doing?

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So What Happened?

Thank you all very much for your helpful advise. We need to sit down together and I need to tell her how feel.

More Answers

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

If you can't afford it, start saying no. Just "No, I can't give you money." Don't explain it. Don't justify it. "No, Sally, I can't give you the money." You are angry because you know deep down that you are being taken advantage of. How long does it take to get paid back...or does she? Only give her what you can afford to lose. If she is waiting for YOUR paydays, then that's a bit smarmy. I understand that SSA isn't much. But if she is homeless, there may be other resources she can tap into. Perhaps direct her to a program that can help her long term. There is a fine line between being a helping hand and a handout.

4 moms found this helpful
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L.M.

answers from Boise on

If you and she have been friends for this long, I would be honest with her. Tell her that you cannot help her out like you have been. However, when she watches your child(ren), you can compensate her then. You aren't being silly for "complaining". Times are tight, and if she doesn't understand your point, then she's not as great of a friend as you thought. Like I said, pay her for the babysitting, but nothing else.

4 moms found this helpful
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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

I agree that you need to talk with her, but before you do, get information about help that is available to her. Then, when you sit down to say that it is a hardship for you to keep giving her cash (because it IS a hardship -- you are a single parent and need your income), you can say in the same breath, "I've been doing some research on services that you're entitled to and places that can help out better than I can."

You don't say if she's living in a shelter, on the street, with friends or whatever. If she needs housing, find out about whatever services your city or county social services office can provide regarding finding housing. Some churches and housing charities run "transitional housing" to help homeless people get back on their feet and into real housing at least until they can find a job and begin to get their own housing.

And is her Social Security benefit a SS disability payment? Does the government consider her officially disabled due to her illnesses? If not -- she should get evaluated to see if she is indeed entitled to more SS benefit, if she is ill enough to qualify as disabled. Or there may also be state disability benefits to which she is entitled.

Consult the state and local and federal governments and especially the local social services agency. Charities like Catholic Charities often can direct the homeless to different kinds of help.

There are safety nets in place to help her IF she gets out and is assertive about pursuing them. They will not be perfect, will not fill every gap of income or housing, and may not be enough to keep her from being homeless. But helping her find those resources, printing out and handing her applications, maybe driving her to appointments with Social Security or with local government agencies, helping her fill out paper forms -- they would be real ways to help your friend if she will accept that help and (this is important!) IF she will not simply let you do it all FOR her.

So I'd have a list of services and help and might offer to help some with initial appointments. Tell her that though you know occasional cash helps her out, that is only a temporary fix; you are trying to put her in touch with longer-term solutions. You're not doing this to save yourself money; you're doing it because she's your friend.

And if you've already done these kinds of things, or she tends to refuse help, or has a "thing" about pursuing available help -- well, that's sad, but you at least tried. But stop giving her cash. Still, I would definitely tell her that you will pay for babysitting, of course.

3 moms found this helpful

A.L.

answers from Montgomery on

You didn't say if she was paying you back the loans when she gets her check? If the answer is, 'no' then loving her or not your answer should ALWAYZ be, 'NO'...IF she pays you right back then I see no problem in loaning her the money, especially since it seems you are both helping one another with various problems here & there.........NOW HERE IS THE TOUGH ANSWER...YOU SAY YOU FEEL ANGRY WHEN SHE ASKS YOU!!! That means you need to sit down and have a, 'heart to heart' with her and let HER know this is how you feel...if you don't tell her eventually you will have a, 'falling out' with someone you love & with whom you have been friends with for over 20 years!!! It isn't worth it to harbor the anger!!!

BEST!!!

3 moms found this helpful

R.X.

answers from Houston on

When she asks for a loan, tell her that she can babysit in order to not have it be a loan.

Does she live in a shelter? Can you open your home to her since you trust her to babysit for you there?

I've always had a hard time being friends with people when the financial or educational gap was large--even if I were the lesser paid or less educated one.

3 moms found this helpful
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D..

answers from Miami on

You say she helps out by babysitting, yet she's homeless. Do you work and have your kids in daycare? Can she live with you and watch your kids and cook and clean for you, like a live-in nanny? That way she wouldn't have to borrow from you and you wouldn't have to feel conflicted about giving her money because she would be earning it. You already let her watch your kids, so you must trust her with them and feel that she does a decent job.

2 moms found this helpful
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R.K.

answers from San Francisco on

for me the main question would be: does she pay you back?

1 mom found this helpful
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