Why Are Kids So Mean?

When my son first went to MDO I was terrified that the other kids were going to beat up my sweet, gentle son. He was fine. This year I picked him up after his first day of pre-school and he informed me that he kicked a girl and made her cry. I was mortified that my kid was the bully on the first day of school. He doesn't have older siblings and we are not rough with him. Who knows why he decided to kick? After his third day his teacher said he's well behaved and not tormenting anyone. For those of you that think the mother doesn't care or is doing a bad job because their kid does something like this...you might want to rethink that.

I have a home day care and got a younger one preemie an small. She was not walking yet and first thing the 2 yr olds pushed her down. Over and over I would hear her and run to thr rescue. The one little 2 yr old was jealous of her. When she was in my lap she wanted to be. Now after a month they are ok with her and she is walking now. They all say they love her but it took time. Even the 4 yr old will clammor to my lap and her sister who is 2 gets jealous. So it will take time. She is not being rejected just they need to learn the lesson that she is just a baby and they need to be kind. 30 yrs ago my son walked up to my friend's baby and bit her. 17 mos they do not play together but side by side until about 2-2.5 now my 2 yr olds are interacting but not before this. Good luck takes some patience but keep trying or wait til she is a little older. G. W

Kids haven't learned empathy or that actions = consequences by that age. Cut the kids some slack. They aren't mean. They are just figuring it out as they go.

Don't assume pushing is rejection. It's not. The other girl is pushing everyone - she's certainly not playing favorites! It was just her day to be a brat to everyone, and they will teach her she can't go around pushing people. These are toddlers and they are learning how to get along with each other, and at first there's a whole lot of trial and error. Your girl will make friends and she'll be fine.

Julie l... MDO is Mothers day out. It is small groups of kids for just a few hours.

C... That other child is not mean, she is not capable of being mean, just like your own child cannot be mean. That is a pretty complex emotion..

They are very young toddlers and react to others. The little girl that pushed your daughter may have been shy, may have been confused. She did not know to reach out and shake hands or hold her hand. She may never have been greeted that way by another child..

If you wanted to respond, you can teach by saying, "Oh, Sally just wanted to be your friend." "Sally wanted to hold your hand." Or "Soft and gentle, we do not push people." Just pick one..

Do not take it personally and try not to beat up the other parent. I promise, one day your child will do the same and you will be shocked and horrified too.. They are just so young they do not have social graces.

. Think of them like they are. They have only been on this earth for less than 2 years total and just learning to speak and only been moving around on their own for a year..

They are truly learning how to interact with each other. What is acceptable what isn't. Maybe this is this girl's first time there too. Your daughter won't take this personally, and she may even do her fair share of pushing, pulling, etc. Like any other situation, they are testing boundaries and how things work. It sounds like the teachers were aware and stepped in quickly, so she is being taken care of. Try to enjoy your ME time. It will get easier on you.

This is an age when children are learning acceptable behavior. She was not being rejected. My daughter is 24 mos old and her first interaction with many kids is to push them down- we have to get down at her level and explain to her ways to be polite. Please do not think less of this child or the Mother because most likely your child will do that to another child. I know my angels all have. You just have to be there and help them learn how to properly engage.

I agree with Workinmom.

And seriously, this is all part of life. If your daughter never encountered any adversity, she would be incredibly fragile. When she's pushed down she learns how to get back up.

But it is hard to see your little baby get emotionally hurt. It gets easier with time, though. And by your third kid...well, you don't give things like that a second thought. :)

(Also, at that age it's not "rejection." They're just babies.)

you have to understand that these are very young children. and they are going to do things...just because! and just because a young shild does something does not mean that is what they are learning at home. you can't take those kind of things personally or you will never feel safe. children adapt to their surrondings.even at 17 months old! and believe it or not they will defend themselves at even this young of age. a little girl at my son's daycare kept bothering him(snatching things, hitting him, etc.) and her mother got on her case about it and so did his daycare lady but she wouldn't stop. i came to pick him up one day and he was in the pink chair( time out chair) and his daycare lady handed me an accident report because he slapped the mess out of that little girl! was that right...OF COURSE NOT! did that little girl continue to bother my son?? OF NOT COURSE! she leaves him alone. i;m not saying your daughter will hit back or even that she should, but children have to find there way and learn how to deal with situations when mommy is not around. so please don't feel hurt, just recognize this is the start of her growing up and just feel confident that you are teaching her to be a good girl and still be able to handle her self. your daughter is ready the question is, are you? i wish you the best of luck.

Mother's Day Out is really for you!

At 17 months, children are not developmentally ready to make friends, and they are not able to really apply or understand the idea of being mean. They certianly can experience "mean" but it is just way too much to ask that they know how they effect how someone else feels just yet. That is part of the learning and developmental process, and perhaps one of the most important, knowing that how they behave effects not just how people react to them,or that Mom and Dad may dicipline them, but also how that person feels even if they get what they want at the moment. Dicipline is our way of teaching this concept, but it is a process. It is relatively late, passed the three year old mark for most children, when they can really begin to apply these concepts to themselves, through bumps in the road and blunders that cause them pain. We can teach them, and many can regurgitate what we told them well before that, but they truly will need to learn where they fit in the puzzle without us. It is hard to watch, but necessary.

Right now, don't stress too much about how mean the other child was, and instead, be happy that for a few hours, another person will be protecting her, and teaching these ideas, because even though they are not yet ready to apply them, we start teaching them from the earliest of ages. That is part of the process too. Adjust your reasoning for taking her, she is getting exposure to the idea that other kids are out there, and she will begin a long process that will take several years to master, but you can have a peaceful cup of coffee and recharge...

M.

Be there as a strong anchor for your daughter and help her learn right along with you - and all the other moms and kids too. We all get knocked down. What we have to learn is to not get defeated along the way. You can help her build resiliency and self- esteem around this.

I know it hurts like *!^* when things like this happens, but I think it will help you and your daughter more if you can look at the opportunity in this - a chance for her to learn.

It may have taken the other by complete surprise and wondering just what she should do as her daughter just pushed kids around. It may seem to us like they are just playing, but it's a big transition for them as well and they can certainly feel stress if they don't feel really safe and secure inside.

Be sure to let your daughter know that we don't push others down. Find a way best you can to talk with her about it and model for her balance and poise. She reads you loud and clear. - Hope tomorrow is a little better.

Remember that unless the other child is a lot older (like 3), she doesn't realize that she is being mean. Children at that age are self-centered and unfortunately aggressive behavior is common as they develop an understanding of what is appropriate and begin to develop empathy. At this age, the child honestly can't put herself in the other child's "shoes." That is where the teacher/parent comes in to teach the child that when she hits/pushes it hurts other children and is not allowed.

Also, your child is likely not being rejected. Again, children this age don't really have that concept. They think only in the self-conscious present. For example, they think "I want that toy (the teacher's attention, etc)and I'll push her away to get it" not "I don't like her so I'm going to push her." I'll bet anything that sometime later in the day, the 2 will be playing together (as well as any under 2 kids can).

The fact that the other mom seemed embarrassed and is sending her child to school lets you know that she is making efforts to teach her child proper social behaviors. Try not to be be too hard on her/her child! (Trust me, I know how that mother-bear instinct can be.)

"Friendships" at the 2 year old age are tenuous. They still are more in the "parallel play" stage than being able to play "with" a friend. That coupled with developmentally appropriate 2 year old behavior tends to lend itself to "fights" (pushing, hitting, grabbing, kicking, etc). Stick with it, as they get older they will develop those social bonds you are looking for.

Best wishes!

Oh, that is sad, but I doubt the child was trying to be mean! I've taught at MDO and especially if it was the 1st day, the kids are just getting adjusted. Some kids don't like to be touched, some have sibilings that they have to "protect" themselves from, some don't have siblings and this is their first real interaction with other kids. Cut the kid some slack. If the teachers realize she's a pusher, they will be on her and watching. We had a biter/hitter one year and we just watched him like a hawk to make sure he didn't do it to anyone.

I don't know what MDO stands for, but 17 months old is a little young to be in a with teachers. if it's interaction that you are looking for start her on a smaller scale like a home daycare, In my daycare I have watched toddlers build friendships. At 17 months I'm not sure they understand what being mean is, those things have to be taught. One of my ex daycare children now live in Texas and her grandmother and I are still in contact, and she was telling me that the daycare's and preschools are not that great in Texas, her opinion, but it is based on the experiences her grand daughter had. But look around, or try and find woman in your neighbor hood that may have a child around the same the same age. J.

Hi, when my daughtert was that age she was in daycare part time and had a series of biting incidents where she was the victim. It was atrocious and so painful for me becasue I felt trapped and guilty since she was there because of my job,.It is an awful feeling. We also had an incident at a mall playarea where a child 3-4 years older hit her - hard. Infuriating, I hav enever played at the mall again and she is 6 years old now. So I completely sympathize.

That being said, I think it is very unfair of you to perceive this other child as "mean." You don't say how old the other child is, but presume of similar age? Toddlers and young kids act out physically sometimes when they are frustrated because they lack the words to do better and they are still developing empathetic skills. And large settings with a lot of kids easily become overwhelming and frustrated. And frankly, your daughter tried to touch her first which may have been intimidating to her. Alternatively, she could have been merely experimenting "Ooooh, I get a really big reaction from this kid when I push her, she made a funny noise."

It isn't until kids get past 2.5 or 3 that they can be relied on to act appropriately. My older daughter never has laid a finger on another person. But my 2 year old has tried hitting and hair pulling (luckily just her sister). It's not like I think it's okay, but sometiems kids go through phases where they try things and need to be taught to do better.

I am sorry your daughter was touched or hurt. And the actions of the other child have to be dealt with and teaching of better behavior is needed. But mean? That is unlikely. Probably just a nice little girl who was having a very bad moment.

What bothers me more is that the "teachers tried to step in" - I would worry more about whether they are attentive enough, react appropriately, and foster an environment that limits aggression and allows the kids to develop friendships. Techers should have stepped in and dealt with the pusher and teh pushee immediately.

Best to focus on your daughter and speak up for her, giving her words for coping and protecting herself.. "Ouch, that was not nice, don't push me." And I woudl tell the other child to apologize. And make sure you have confidence in the teachers to do that when you are not there. And confidence if there is an ongoing problem, they have a way to deal with it. There are problem kids out there. I just woudn't characterize this child as such until you have a lot more experience with her.

Hang in there! Today was my 2yr olds first day of MDO as well, this is his 2nd year but he's been with me all summer so the drop off was difficult for him. It's an overwhelming experience for both mom and child. By the 2nd month things will flow much smoother. The teachers will have a routine and the kids will have figured it out by then.

At that age kids are not necessarily "trying" to be mean, or have malicious intent when they do something. Some children just do not have the ability to express or communicate their feelings accordingly. They also do not have self control or the maturity when it comes dealing with their emotions. It may get better as the "mean" child ages, but unfortunately, your daughter is going to be exposed to this and it is better to teach her to toughen up, and how to handle situations like this. I know....because I have a 4 year old that I love, kiss and cherish every day and no matter what I do I can't stop him from acting this way (now, on a different level) around other children. He has been this way since he was about 18 months old and as he matures he is finding better ways to deal with situational crisis, but it has been the most exhausting 4 years of my life. As he progresses and is able to express his self and handle social situations, his behavior improves. I feel like people have avoided me at times (on a personal level) because of him. I invited his entire preschool class to his birthday party and not one single person called or showed up. Heart broken because I know my son is really the kindest person and has more feelings in his finger than others do throughout... he just does not know how to handle the overwhelming emotion.

May not be the case in your situation, but another view point to consider!

She will make friends. It will take time, she is young. The older kids always seem to pick on the younger ones. Children don't become "friends" until they are about 3 even 4. They you will see every time she goes to the play ground a little girl will come up to her and say "what to be friends"
Until then it is side by side playing. They play the same games, toys at the same times. It becomes competitions for the toys or just the space they are playing. Children are put in social interaction to learn skills, sharing, taking turnings, and no biting.

I think you might be over reacting a little, although I know it is so hard to see your child be "picked on". At 17 months kids are not able to reject anyone, they are still learning and do not have that ability. I don't think that the kid was "mean" at all, he/she should not have pushed your daughter but they are still learning what is and is not appropriate behavior. My daughter is the sweetest most giving and caring girl in the world but she still has her bad days too. It happens to all kids, I would not look into it to much at all.

Every kid has a bad day. And when we have kids, they are angels, of course. If the pusher has been around older kids, maybe she learned it there...or maybe even on a cartoon. But kids are feeling their way through right and wrong at this age. It does break our hearts as parents, but fear not, our little angels will one day be the ones who are doing the "wrong" behavior no matter how bad we try to make them perfect. I'm sure the mom did not let her daugher do this. And your daughter will be okay. It is sad, but she will learn how to deal with things. I know 17 months is young...but don't protect them from every little thing or they will never learn how to deal. You were there to make sure nothing happened....but maybe just tell her the girl was trying to be her friend or direct her in another direction. good luck!

How old was the other kid? Kids that age don't really mean to be "mean". They dont verbalize well, and new situations are intimidating to them. I know its heartbreaking to see your child rejected, and pushed. But try not to take it to heart. As long as this wasnt a continuing issue where the mother ignored it, take it in stride. Next time move your daughter away, and just hope for the best. It is SOOOO hard getting kids this age to play together and get along. My son is 2, and we see a couple of the same kids every week, and they barely interact with each other. Its just the age. Dont give up though, social interaction is good for her. It's just not going to be the happy playing you're hoping for!

I just read this and I feel for you. I haven't read any of the responses. But Just wanted to give you my two cents. Have you seen a person come to your child and lets say she goes to touch this person's face and that person throws themselves back and over reacts? Your daughter in turn laughs and goes back to touch this persons face again to again recieve the same type of response? Well this happens a lot. I'm not trying to give excuses but wanted you to know that happens. And sometimes it is just that. A child looking for a reaction. They will learn. And don't worry, you will get upset at something else. Like everyone wanting the same toy. That is a sight to see.
Feel better.

I didn't read all responses, but here's my opinion. You're being a little too sensitive. You cried the whole way home because your daughter got pushed at school? Both you and your daughter will be in a world of pain as she grows older if you take everything personally. My son is very aggressive. He's now 5 and a lot better, but at 17 mo old pushing another kid down was no different or worse to him than saying hi and shaking someone's hand. He didn't understand that other kids didn't like that type of rough play and it hurt them. We've worked hard over the years and he's much better. Obviously, everyone at your daughter's school was on top of things. The teacher stepped in and corrected her, and you admitted the other mom was embarrassed and seemed sorry. You need to teach your daughter that 1) It's not nice to act that way (point out how she felt bad when she got pushed, so she needs to remember that and be nice to others) and 2) Teach her to brush it off and move on. There will always be people for the rest of her life that "push her down" for no apparent reason (literally as a youngster and figuratively as she grows older). It's a good lesson to teach her how to handle conflicts appropriately. If you take every negative thing personally, she'll learn to tie her own self worth to how others treat her and that's setting her up for all sorts of adjustment problems as she grows up. Sounds like already your daughter is learning to adjust since the teachers gave you a good report, so follow her lead and enjoy watching her grow up. It's a joy to watch how our children learn and grow.

It will get better I work part time in a prek. Both children will learn how to interact with each other and the pushy one will learn she can't do that and it's not nice. However, your little one will learn who and how to trust.

i know it's hard but don't give up not yet. Just remember no mom teaches their kids to push other down and this other mom I'm sure wanted to hide after learning her child was doing this. You can still reach out to that mom, still yet I always keep a bit of a shield up when my kids play with others. I like to make sure the kids get along and I don't suggest ever making a child struggle though being with a rotten kid on a play date.

Talk to the teacher and see what they do in this situation it's a growth and learning time. If she doesn't have the answers you think are correct for teaching look for another place.

I didn't read all the other responses but jeez some of the responses you got here don't seem that nice either :( I think some children are simply more aggressive than others period. I also think many have older siblings that help "teach" them to be this way, others learn it from classmates/etc. I do NOT think you are being "too sensitive" by crying all the way home. It's SAD and really hard to see your own child get hurt and pushed around. It will get easier the more she's there but don't be shocked if she start imitating similar behavior. Good luck adjusting to her MDO!

Kids are not mean, but one kid can seem mean and at 17 months doesn't know it. This pushing behaviour is something that they learned by observing, from older siblings. Give it more time, and see if the pushing stops.

I posted something recently too about "mean" girls in school.

It's amazing to me how mean kids are - even at an early age. What's even more surprising to me is how it seems so many parents just chalk it up to "kids will be kids". You don't say what this mom did or said, only that she seemed embarrassed and somewhat sorry.

I'll tell you, I feel like a drill sergeant the way I MAKE my kids apologize, make them look someone in the eye and open their mouthes (not mumble) or remove them from any situation where I feel they are not behaving appropriately. Even in my own family my nephews can behave like little animals without their mothers so much as getting out of their chairs to correct them!

I feel your pain. Although I completely get why a little 17 month old might push people - it's how the adults around them or who are responsible for them act (or don't) that really floors me.

I'll tell you from experience. There will be mean kids in EVERY class. Kids who think: "If I see it, it's mine. If you have it and I want it, it's mine. And if you don't give it to me, I'll yell 'YOU'RE MEAN!' or push you, hit you, etc''.

The next time you go to MDO, DO NOT sit by that child and mother. Maybe get there a few minutes early and "make friends" with another mom and tot. Then your daughter will have someone to play with.

And for what it's worth. If/when my child has ever been hit, pushed, etc. I have no qualms about telling that other kid, "HEY! That's NOT nice." I don't wait for the mother or another teacher to see it. Chances are "those moms" who aren't on top of their kids don't really care or won't do much about it anyway. Now, that said, all kids are going to test limits and do naughty things. It sounds like that other little girl was doing it a lot that day, which signals to me that it isn't her first time...which then leads to the question of, where was her mother when all of this was going on???

Best wishes.

One of many reasons why you don't put your child in MDO, esp. if you are not working full time. She needs you more right now than interaction with other kids.