My husband stays home with our children (17mos & 5mos). He is an AMAZING father. He is very hands on, he sends me pictures of their day. He fixes my daughter healthy meals and snacks, teaches her things, reads to her, plays with her, dresses her, does her hair. He teaches the baby how to sit on his own, feeds him cereal. You know the stuff a parent is supposed to do when they stay home with kids. Well he does it all. And I love him for it, he is completely in love with our kids, which I find very sexy in a man!
I come home and the house is clean, not spotless, but clean (hey we have two babies under 2). And dinner is in the oven or on the stove. Be jealous ladies.
BUT lately I have been acting weird….it’s just been these past two weeks. My husband keeps getting mad at me because I am on my phone too much, at first I thought he was overreacting and just being annoying, but then he took my phone from me. And I said “What are you doing?! Give it back” and he said “Gosh, I just want to talk to you.” And I instantly felt horrible! My husband wants to talk to me, and I am on my phone? What is wrong with me?
Then we were sitting on the couch and he was trying to cuddle with me, and I just was uncomfortable and I wanted to read something on my kindle. So I went to my room. I didn’t not want to cuddle, I just felt like reading.
Then he was trying to be “sweet” with me in the room, and I was getting super annoyed. I have NO idea why….and how this has come up in the past two weeks. We normally have a very great relationship. And it’s not bad…I just feel guilty for blowing him off so much after all he does.
This weekend just me and him went out on a date. I really wanted sushi. But, on the way there, he said “how about we save money. Go to our favorite sub place, and go for a nice quiet walk on the beach” (sweet right?) well I said “No, I want sushi, and we don’t have time to go to the beach we have a sitter”
Not sure why I am acting like this towards him, I love him dearly. Maybe it’s because of my period? Anyway how do I make it up to him?!
Thanks everyone for your input! I really do appreciate it. Like I said, I really do recognize that this past week or two I have been a biotch. So, I am going to talk to him and make it up to him :)
By the way I am NOT always like this! Like I said we normally have a wonderfull loving relationship, we are best friends. But, these past two weeks I have been mean. I think it might be a combination of some tests I have coming up, lack of sleep, and my period. Not a excuse for me to be mean to the man I love though. So some kiss and make up is in order!
I understand the role reversal thing Can be strange to some people. Let me explain….I am in the Air Force (been in for 6 years). At the time we had both of our babies, I was no where near being able to separate from the Air Force. My babies either had to go to a daycare, or a nanny. We didn’t want either. So, while they are young babies, the BEST thing for our family is for my husband to stay home. Yes, sometimes I get jealous. Yes, I always want to be there. But, hey, sometimes you just have to do what you gotta do and make the best of it. My daughter crys for momma when she is hurt, she runs to the door to give me a hug when I get home, she gives me tons of hugs and kisses. I don’t feel like she is closer to my husband over me, that hurts to even think about, I feel she is as close to each of us equally. But that is MY family, and how we work at this current time. My husband is using this time out of work to go to school part-time. It really is the best situation I could have made……I would much rather my kids be at home with my husband then with a complete stranger.
Never a better time to kiss and make up than on Valentine's Day. Do something special for him. And my special I mean "special". He will forget it two seconds flat. ;)
You don't have to make up because its ok to be mean sometime. I like sushi a lot to so I would have went for sushi so don't feel bad.
Pretty much he is acting like every stay at home. He plays with kids all day, ya know? He cleans all day, trust me if you have a dog it just isn't the same as an adult human! He wants from you what he doesn't get all day, adult conversation and companionship.
You on the other hand are acting like a working parent, funny how that works out, huh? You have worked all day and you want to relax. You want to meet your needs.
What you have to figure out is how to meet both your needs. It isn't easy. I know when I was a stay at home mom all I wanted was to be out of my perfectly clean home, away from my children I love!!! I work full time now and all I want to do is sit in my less than perfectly clean home and play with my kids!
I am really lucky I have seen both sides of this coin. Everything about both sides makes perfect sense to me. I still haven't figured out how to find the balance. Both my husband and I work full time and our kids are older. We sit at home most of the time like a couple old farts and are very happy.
Just try to see his side and try to explain yours and maybe you can figure it out.
Read many, many entries here, L., about women complaining about similar treatment from their husbands. These women stay at home all day, their husbands work, come home, and CHECK OUT. They don't act like they respect or appreciate their wives and their wives are miserable.
That's what you are doing to your husband.
At least you know it. Now fix it. If you don't figure out why, that doesn't mean that you keep doing it. If your boss didn't like the way you act at work, you'd change it even if you didn't understand why you acted that way. Do that here. And do something nice for your husband. He keeps your homelife running smoothly so that you can make a living.
Dawn
My situation with my husband is reversed. I am the one who stays home. I TRY to keep things clean, and most of the time have dinner cooking by the time he gets home. And he is the one on his phone...
Your husband is with two babies all day. He does not have any adults to talk to, relate to. When you get home, he wants to spend time with you! He needs that adult relationship to balance all of the "goo goo ga ga" he gets all day long.
I also understand, though, that you might need some time/space to unwind from the day. If you just want to read, then you need to tell him that. But you also need to make some time for the things he might want to do.
If this happens each month, then it could be your period, but that doesn't mean it is okay or an excuse.
YOU felt like being on your phone, YOU felt like reading, YOU wanted sushi...He has needs too, don't neglect them and brush it off as a "woman" issue.
I'd start with communicating with him as a stop-loss measure. Tell him you realize you've been a meany lately, that you feel terrible about it, and it really bothers you because you don't know why you are behaving this way.
It's OK not to have all the answers. Perhaps he can help you figure it out! The only thing I can think of is your youngest is now old enough to start becoming really demanding. Before he/she just laid there and cooed. Now he/she is starting to get mobile and need a lot more individual attention. Pehaps this little extra demand finally tipped the scales to the side "Mommy has too much stress".
To me, it sounds like you need a little decompression time once you come home. All of us do. Work is stressful. Perhaps you could try giving you 15 minutes to yourself, and then 15 minutes to himself. Once you've both had your individual time, you might feel more compatible to him.
I may be completely out in left field here, but I've seen this a few times (PLEASE don't hate what I'm going to say, ladies. Like I said, it may be a totally erroneous observation.)
We are naturally, like it or not, bred and raised a certain way...and it is the norm that a man would work and provide for the family and it's security and that the mother would raise the children and provide for the nurturing of the family.
Your roles are completely reversed. Is it possible that you resent that he is the one closest to the children? Does he seem less masculine, because he is doing everything a woman "normally" does, and being sensitive and sweet, while YOU are being harried about work, and wanting time for yourself?
Like I said...it's just an idea. I don't know if it holds water or not...but it may be something to think about.
How to make up?
Just tell him the truth. "I've been really focused on my work and haven't had a lot of time or even space in my head for myself, and it's hard to give when my own reserves are empty."
He IS trying. Do acknowledge this. Most guys are hurt when they get shot down like that, so maybe you should just be straight with him: I'm feeling overwhelmed and I am trying to take care of myself-- but I know this doesn't always jive with what you want to do for/with me. Can you trust that I'm in a funky mood right now, but I do love you very much?" Let him know that you don't understand what's beneath all of this, but that you appreciate that he is trying.
For what it's worth, when I feel like I am always on the 'giving' side in my relationships, I do become less friendly and flexible. Don't want hugs-- they just seem annoying at that time ("What more do you want from me!?"), do want what I want ("Why can't I have my sushi?!That's what I was looking forward to".... I get it.)
I would suggest just doing a birds-eye-view check of your life, in general. If you are feeling stretched at work, if you feel like you are missing out on life at home, if you feel like 'hey, it's hormones-- be on alert!'----- all of this stuff is good to just notice and acknowledge. Even when we have great guys who give as awesome support, sometimes we still feel like just need some space to catch our breath and think our own thoughts. When I go for a few days without that, I do get in a mood similar to what you are describing. Don't beat yourself up over it, do try to have a sincere talk with your husband, and know that this, too, shall pass.
I think he is trying to tell you that he misses the couple. He is home all day with the kids while you work out in the world. You could have compromised, got the sushi and went walking on the beach. Remember men don't always express their emotions out loud.
You are going to have to find a way to decompress before you get home and change gears and put on a happy face and greet him with a kiss. I am not trying to turn us back to the 1950s but it does show you appreciate all that he does.
Order up a few more sitters and put date night on the calendar. You owe it to you, your huband and your kids.
Your kids are only in the home for a short time and then they are gone. Hubby is going to be there and you don't want a complete stranger staring at you from across the room.
Enjoy and have fun.
the other S.
Um, you sound like a regular man. Lol. There is a lot going on here and some of it could be hormones. There is something about being a working person that takes away your personal rights. It also makes you get into a mode of getting things done. You ask for this thing or the other and it happens. It doesn't really transfer well into relationships. You want some autonomy at home and the right to have sushi when you want it and done within the time constraints that are set. Your actions would have earned a pouty face, a huff and a "you are not my boss" from me!
On the other hand, you H's day is filled with relationship and communication, just to little people. It do make you appreciate time and adult communication. He asks the little ones to do this or that and it might get done but time frame is not applicable.
You make it up to him by making this wonderful man your priority.
I bet if he can give you 20 mins when you get home to decompress, you might be better able to be calm and generous with your time. Don't forget to try to put some exercise in your day and that could bring you together and bring down stress. Look for exercise videos. You better do something good for valentines!
You are not mean, you are the working parent. He is the SAHP. Simple, really. You've got to ask for 15-20 minutes when you get home...then you need to give him 15-20 minutes too! Doesn't matter who goes first...
I got no jealousy from your post...I got that you're tired, he's tired, you want down time and he wants an adult to talk to. Next time maybe cuddle up to him and read your Kindle!
Maybe you want to trade roles?
I would apologize to him.
He's really nice and great about EVERYTHING.
But he will think you are just a cold fish who does not appreciate him.
Maybe it is PMS. Are these moods, CYCLICAL? If so, then maybe it is PMS. But even so, if it is PMS, you need to TELL your Husband it is your monthly mood swings, so he knows. Men cannot read our mind nor do they know our cycles.
And, maybe you are getting into the reversal role. Being more "guy like" and because is he is Stay At Home Dad and doing what the Wife typically does??? So, you are feeling... ousted? Or not as close to your children or him? And maybe you "resent" your not being there for your child's every milestone or moment? And that you are not getting the attention your home and children get? And maybe you are just feeling awkward with the role reversal? Or that he does it better than you may have if you were home with the kids all day everyday?
Well whatever it is... I really think you need to acknowledge it WITH him and TO him... and apologize.
Or he may just give up.
Or maybe you are just "jealous" of him?
And thus, being passive aggressive?
Maybe let him read this post - or a version of it. It is obvious that you are feeling apologetic. Let him know that you acknowledge his feelings and your actions (or, reactions). THis is cliche, but it's one of those - it's not you, it's me' moments. This actually came about on a really great week - the highly overrated Valentine's Day/week!
If you do want to make it up to him, maybe do something special everyday this week, leading up to a sub sandwich on the beach for Valentine's Day. Maybe some other 'sweet' excitement.
(never underestimate the power of the period - sometimes it's an excuse, but perhaps not in this case!)
Could this also be introvert and extrovert? My DH is an extrovert and higher energy and sometimes I just want to be alone. It's not that I don't love him, but I need space or I'm going to scream. Are you stressed about something? Are there extra demands at work? I would talk to him about the phone thing. WHY are you on the phone? My DH is 1. and extrovert and 2. a manager. He's often on the phone for work. I would make it a point to keep the phone away from the table and put it away before the kids' bedtime routine, if possible. After about 8-10PM a lot of people don't want a call anyway. Maybe that could be your compromise. If I took my DH's phone, he'd be ticked, too.
So try to see where each other is coming from and see if it's just a blip.
It may not be you - just the situation. Nothing wrong with it, btw! :)
Here's the headline to the article I linked below
Husbands who do housework may have less sex, study says
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/01/31/husb...
