I know I am on a pitty party but can't help it today. I interviewed for a great company but turned down the offer this morning because it wouldn't be any better than where I currently am. Thus, a no brainer. Disappointed. It just adds to how I've been feeling. I was calm last night talking to my DH about all of this and it ocurred to me that he was riled up about the kids and the whole daycare and bus drop-off issues with our kids. I think he's obsessed that something will happen to them and then of course life as we know it would end.
I am glad that he is a caring and involved father and wants what's best for them but I think he's over protective and smothering to the extreme....I've told him this and we've had counseling but it doesn't seem to get any better. Because of all of this I really feel neglected. All his energies have been focused on them and his controlling nature. I tried explaining all that last night about not having any time together and blah blah...His thing is that I need to make it happen oh ok so that's it then?? He seems to be happier when they are around 100% of the time and doesn't seem to care if we have any 1:1 time.
Anyone out there who has a husband who is way too extreme?
Hi Mamas,
Thanks for your responses. Yes I have taken the initiative over the several years we've been married to set up date nights and no it really isn't romantic when I seem to be the only one enthusiastic about it. Right now because of my bad attitude I haven't made the effort in quite awhile. I am not a needy and clingy person quite the opposite. I have regular girls night outs and I am involved in a mother's group in addition to working fulltime outside the house. But ya know it would be nice to have a relationship with the man I married from time to time and know that he feels the same way.
Wow, I'd hate for anything serious happen to you. Heaven forbid he'd have to actually take care of you too!
Lucky:
I'm sorry that you turned the offer down. The benefits, hours, pay, opportunity to advance were not any different than you have now? The job would've been the same?
I've run through your past posts and can't find where you have brought this up before - I will state I've NOT had my caffeine yet today - so I could've missed it.
Your husband is obsessed with the safety of his children? Isn't usually the other way around - mama's are hovering helicopter moms? You have a helicopter husband....
What is he basing his fears on?
What is he willing to do to let go and realize that stuff happens?
He cannot worry about what MIGHT happen...he can PREPARE them for instances of his worst-case scenario and show and tell them HOW to handle the situation...that is his job as a parent - to prepare them for the future, to be able to handle themselves....
So if he can't let go of that? What are you willing to do to change yourself?
Are you better off with or without him? Are the children better with or without him?
If he's had counseling and he hasn't changed - then the counselor was obviously ineffective and I would try another one and get to the root of the problem and why your husband feels the need to CONTROL everything...
You need to communicate with him AGAIN AND AGAIN about what YOU need. If it means writing a letter to him telling him how disappointed and unhappy you are - then do it...
GOOD LUCK!!
Oh. OK. I thought this was a horse question! ;)
Your husband, like many moms, needs to realize that your kids will be OK without you two for 2 hours.
Get a sitter for 2 hours, write down all pertinent emergency & contact information and GO DO something--anything--for two hours.
It's OK if they're around 95% of the time, but take your two hours.
I can't wait to hear the responses. Every time a woman posts that she is like your husband and her husband thinks it is irrational everyone says he needs to understand moms are overprotective and it is perfectly fine. I am interested to find out if it goes both ways.
I don't think being overprotective is healthy in either parent. Still it could be something he cannot control, like a chemical imbalance causing panic attacks and the like. He needs to continue to get help because he will drive the kids nuts if he hasn't already.
The key to life is balance. I can be sometimes very overprotective and sometimes underprotective. I'm either all hot or all cold, never in the middle. It is my job to try to keep myself balanced.
In my house I am the family manager, I'm the one that sets the schedules of the children and hubby and I most of the time. So when I want alone time, I plan it out myself and don't always leave it up to him. I do try to keep under consideration his preferences. I try to balance that out with what the children need to grow up healthy and whole and confident. I definite balancing act.
Only you know what works on your husband but I find mine and many men in general work best when ego's are stroked and they are praised for the things they do that are helpful to the family. I make it a point to praise him in front of others too as well as alone. When I do this, it makes it possible for him to receive things I need to say to him.
Since he is overprotective, perhaps if he is the one responsible for carrying out the logistics of protecting the chlidren he may be able to better see how it won't work. I don't know. We all need to learn to teach our children how to be wise as serpents yet harmless as doves. Continue to keep the lines of communication open with your husband about these things as you also seek to get what you need. Make your plans for alone time with your man.
I wonder if he sees any end in sight for this. Are has he even really thought about it? What does the therapist say? Does your husband even realize that this is an issue, or does he think that it's all about you? That is key, to get him to see that what HE is doing is problematic. Until that happens, he's not going to see a reason to change.
I hate to sound terribly obvious, but I don't know what all you've tried, so bear with me. Maybe you guys can write out a plan. If he sees it on paper, it might make a difference for him. Determine between you what's appropriate for each age. Then, refer to this guideline as time passes.
Example: When I had my baby, I committed myself to a whole year of baby all day and all night. Now, sometimes we get "time off", and I consider that a bonus. For the most part, my baby is with me, and I don't let what others say take me away from that. I watch my baby and see how he's doing and let that tell me when it's time to venture away from what I agreed to. When my husband and I need time together, we figure it out: I sleep in the middle (yeah, my baby is in the bed with me because he nurses through the night); we meet at the foot of the bed (I have nursed my baby while having sex with my husband--you do what you gotta do); when baby is asleep we steal moments and make a game of it.
Anyway, I wonder if you guys talked about this before you had kids. Of course, you can't predict everything that's gonna happen. I have read your earlier posts, and I think that you should focus more on leaving the kids with him and taking some time for yourself. You prefer time with him, I know, but it's got to start with YOU. What good does that do? It makes you more interesting. It makes you more appealing. It gives you a timeout so you can get back in touch with yourself, your confidence, and you won't come off being so needy. It'll give you perspective, and you'll have a better idea of how to approach him. In fact, you might be so attractive that you won't need to approach him. Seriously, start with time away from husband or kids. It's just like the single person who has to jump from love to love and never learns how to enjoy being alone. They don't realize that once they master aloneness, they become more attractive for a good relationship.
My husband is a cop & currently works in a middle school so he does tend to be a bit overprotective when it comes to clothes, etc. (not that I would allow my kids out of the house looking like little tramps, but you know, happy medium).
I've read your other posts & while I understand some people who are completely overprotective are unable to relinquish any type of control to other's to watch their kids, that doesn't make it healthy for anyone involved. There were a couple of lines that actually made me say, "Ew!!" right out loud, but hey, to each their own.
You clearly need one on one time with your husband. That does not translate to "dumping your kids on someone else" nor does it make you a bad mother in any way, shape or form so don't let ANYONE make you feel like it does.
You've tried to talk to him & are feeling ignored. Now, let me ask you this: he said you need to be the one to set it up, so have you done that? My husband also is not the type to set up a date for us, ever. It stinks, but it's just the way he is. Now, if I figure out about a sitter & tell him when & where we're going, he's good to go. I know it's not as much fun & it's certainly not romantic, but would that work for you as a somewhat-happy medium maybe?
My husband is what you would call "overprotective" and so am I, so it works just fine. We don't enjoy dumping our kids on other people so we can have "one on one" time. Our "alone" time comes at night when our children are in bed or on the VERY rare occasion that they stay with their grandparents for a fun day....and actually, it's been at least 16 months since that happened because the baby (16 months) has never had a babysitter. We're both very, VERY okay with this. :)
Be thankful he's a good, caring father! :)
