Is This Seriously Supposed to Make Us Feel Bad?

I get what you're saying. I roll my eyes when I read that 99% of women on this site don't own tvs and would never let little Johnny watch tv, heaven forbid. But it doesn't make me feel bad, just annoyed because I don't believe them.

I've never typed a response and had the intention of making anyone else feel bad. As you said, people say this is my choice and why. After reading thier reasons why, I may reevaluate my position after hearing them out. That seems like why we are here. Isn't that the point? If that makes someone else feel bad, that's kind of thier problem, isn't it?

I don't say "better safe than sorry" to make anyone feel badly. Sometimes I feel like those who don't follow what I do (like extended rear facing) are trying to make ME feel badly. I think you need to take each post as it comes and evaluate if the person is generically snarky or not. I do err on the side of caution many times for my child. I feel better about it and offer my POV to someone who asks. He or she can consider my points and use or discard them. Sometimes I feel more strongly than other times and sometimes I do try to make people reconsider their actions (like if someone has a 9 month old forward facing for their own convenience...that's just not safe). But generic day to day "better safe than..."? No. It's a comment that conveys how I feel and why I make that choice.

I also think that on an online forum with strangers, you have to think about how you let things affect you.

I don't know.

I DO know that whenever I've asked a question, there is inevitably a response or two that makes me feel like a horrible mom, and sometimes a bad person, too.

I have said things along the lines of, "I'm just trying to protect her!" - but that was meant more in one of those despairing tones, sort of a "How in the world am I supposed to do this?" kind of thing, not meant to be a dig.

I think and worry sometimes, that part of the problem with internet communication is that we don't have the tone of voice or facial expressions to work with, and things aren't quite read the way they were written in the poster's own head. (Ironically, I'm now wondering if that sentence made sense when read by someone else; it did in my own head. See what I mean?)

It's probably not ALWAYS meant to be snarky - I hope a lot of those are misread. At least, that's what I tell myself when reading the previously mentioned "You are a terrible mom/DIL/woman/person" responses.

Though, no doubt, there is SOME snarkiness going on. And I'm about to be a little snarky, too: I wish I had known how the social interactions in junior high really were relevant to the real world.

So it's gonna be one of THOSE days then?

Sigh.

:(

I kind of think those types of comments ARE meant to make other's feel bad, or at the very least, to make the person saying them feel better about themselves in a "holier than thou" sort of way.

I said in another post a few days ago that I don't care who agrees with me & who doesn't. I'm secure in who I am.

I haven't read the replies or the threads that might have prompted this, but I know where you are coming from. It's the same place as the "I work so I can provide a better life for my kids" vs the "I stay home because I would never let someone else raise my children" comments. Sometimes comments themselves are judgemental and self-righteous, regardless of the context. However I will say that I think there is a time and place for "better safe than sorry". I'm a pretty relaxed parent, I believe that if you don't allow kids to make choices & mistakes as they are growing up they will be woefully unprepared for real life when they get there. However, I just started driving my 9 yo to choir practice in the morning when he previously walked alone. Why? Because it's now dark out when he leaves and even though we are just 3 blocks from the school I don't like the idea of him walking by himself in the dark to school. In that case the 'better safe' action, driving him to school, far outweighs the possible 'sorry' consequence, a car can't see him in the crosswalk and he gets hit. So I know I'm making the right choices for my kids, whether that's giving them freedom or clipping their wings, and I don't particularly care what anyone else thinks about them.

To each their own, however, it plucks a nerve... not you, the unsolicited advice from over protective parents.

I feel like maybe those parents are trying to make up for something either maybe they didn't have as a child, or the parents themselves have been fed fear through the media for so long, they honestly just don't know any better. They validate their extreme paranoia by pointing the fingers at more laid back parenting styles.

As humans, we're creatures of habit and fear change... so when we see someone doing the polar opposite of what we're doing as parents, we are shocked!!

Just because I don't walk my kids to the bus stop, sometimes leave them in the car when I run in to pay for gas, or let them run an aisle ahead of me at the grocery store, doesn't mean I expect you to. BUT, I also don't expect another parent to tell me I'M a shitty parent for doing so. We might get from point A to point B differently, but don't we all have the same end result, happy, healthy children? I think that's what's important.

I want my kids to be independent, confident, and street smart... and above all else, I want them to use common sense in every situation thrown their way.

Kids have to learn from their mistakes, and they can't make mistakes if I'm constantly holding their hand. So I let go, and see what happens... they're doing GREAT :)

I was a moderate protector I suppose. I let them do things that could get them hurt a little bit so I could say "See, Mommy told you that chair would tip over if you climbed on it"... they learn faster that way when they "experience" a result. I wouldnt allow something life threatening to happen tho. And they couldnt walk to the corner store alone until they were 11 and 12 and always together, never alone.

I would hope not J.. But I have often gotten critisized about my parenting, because honestly I think people feel bad about what they are not doing.

Yes, my kids eat healthy, if yours dont thats your business, dont be upset about my choices.

Yes we have a schedule and structure in our house, my kids go to bed at a certain time, because I know my children and know how much sleep they need not to be monsters. Theres no need to comment on "How I dont let my kids stay up late" Or roll your eyes when I tell my kid that they cant have candy before bed.

No, my 2 year old cannot ride a 4 wheeler, good for you if you let yours.

Did I ever say once how I think some people could go the extra mile at better parenting....NOPE. Not my business, not my kids.

If you feel you are making the right choices for your kids nothing anyone says should matter. I certainly could care less if someone thinks my kids are "overprotected"

I'm moderate protector, BUT if someone is pointing out how SUPER protective they are, I don't think it's meant to offend (or maybe it's just not working on me :)

Because that topic has to do with safety, and we all love our kids, it may be easy to feel like they are accusing us of "caring less" if we don't hover over our bubble kids. And they may think so. Or not. Who knows.

We did less hovering and protecting in the belief that the kids would learn more from less child proofing and more independence at the parks, etc...others feel they cant' give their kids and inch because they're way too young to handle stuff and risks are lurking EVERYWHERE and they can prevent them all if they hover and use every safety gadget. Neither is wrong. Just different.

I was at the park chatting with a lady. Our sons were about 18 months at the time. I'm one of those "keep a distant eye on him" types, figuring, he's with me all day, give him some elbow room to explore type thing. If there were no dangerous dogs, or speeding cars, and he didn't climb onto the REALLY big equipment, I'd just yell the occasional "No!" if he started eating trash or something. But she would literally shriek, "Ooh!" every time hers got up and moved away from her a couple of steps. Like, she'd SPRING UP and LUNGE to where he was and hold his hand like he was going to fall (and he didn't need help walking). Believe me, we both thought the other one was craaaaaaazy.

The other poster is right though, saying "OVER protective" implies fault, and could provoke a defensive response.

I think when people feel the need to do that kind of thing they're not confident in their decisions so they feel the need to defend to no end. If they make enough noise about it you won't notice that behind those words they feel like they're a bad parent or are doing it wrong.

None of us know if we're doing it right. We're all going to mess up our kids to some degree. I think the whole goal of parenting is to give your kid the least amount of stuff to discuss with a therapist when they're adults! lol

I wish moms would agree to disagree on parenting. We need to be more supportive of each other and quit tearing each other down. We all have the same goal, happy, healthy kids.

Hi J.,
I think you're posting this in regards to yesterday's question about 5 pt. harness car seats vs. booster seats for children. The poster was asking if there are other mothers out there who have their age 5+ children in harnessed seats or if they are in boosters at this point. She was feeling weird because her friends all have boosters and were making her feel bad for still using a 5 pt. harness.

As of yesterday (I haven't checked today), the responding moms (myself included) said that yes, their children were still in the harnessed seats. You were the only responder at that point who said that your child was in a booster and that you found harness seats to be cumbersome and that you would consider not inviting a child to drive with you because those seats are a pain to move around. That is certainly your right to be of that opinion and yes, the seats are heavier and harder to lock in. That being said, I don't remember anyone having a holier than thou approach to their comment other than saying that they are safer and that's why they use one with their child. The mom was seeking parents that still use harnesses and that's who responded.

J., they are safer and there is no arguing that. And they are more of a pain and there is no arguing that, either. Your decision is your decision, and my decision is my decision. I don't consider myself overprotective, I don't helicopter, but on certain things pertaining to my daughter I won't compromise -- car safety being one of them. She's my only child and my greatest, most precious gift from God and I thank Him for her everyday. I could not, in good conscience, make something easier for myself at the expense of car safety -- that's just me. Perhaps if I lived in a rural area my thinking would be different. But I live in a busy, traffic prone area where we do a lot of driving.

I truly hope that I never come across as over-bearing in my responses. But sometimes I just scratch my head at what, in my mind, seems to be lax -- or uninformed or under-researched -- parenting choices. (I'm NOT necessarily referring to yesterday's post when I write this) Like my friend who switched her 8 month old infant to forward facing in his carseat because "she didn't want him to see the world backwards." First of all, that's illegal in our state and second of all, it's dangerous. She didn't know either until I pointed them out to her.

I hope I'm not offending anyone here, or you, J.. I think it's great to hear all sides and frankly, it often makes me rethink my own choices. And that's the beauty of this site because sometimes those closest to us (our family and friends) aren't 100% honest with us because indeed, they don't want to offend us, right? :)

Have a nice day!

My husband has introduced me to a new concept: benevolent reason. As in, look first for a simple, non-evil reason why someone is doing or saying something. People are more likely to be saying those things in their comments, not to make YOU feel bad (malevolent) but to make themselves feel better (benevolent). Perhaps they sense judgement from others who use words like "overprotective" and pretend it is just descriptive. The truth is, J., it is a pejorative word from people who thinks it's TOO MUCH. It is a dig, because it suggests there is a right amount of protection (who decides that?), and those parents are overdoing it. There is no objective measure of protectiveness, you can't say overprotective without suggesting it should be different, and it can make those parents feel defensive and more likely to say the strong comments that come off as belittling.

I'm not sure what post prompted this one, but I wonder if it's the type I think it is. I think one of the biggest sources of strife I see on this site comes from the judgement people get for something that is not a direct answer to their question. Someone might post: "I let my kid run around alone after dark. What's the best way to tell him it's time to come home?" Then everyone goes batsh$t arguing about letting your kid outside after dark, ignoring the fact that the question was about "telling him it's time to come home". It becomes a debate about the first issue, the poster is hackles-up defensive, everyone takes sides, and the question doesn't get answered.

I think we'd all do better on here to look at questions like that and say "Wow, that person is much more lenient (or pro-spanking or whatever) in her parenting than I am, I don't think I should try to answer her question because we are very far apart in our philosophies, I'll move on to another question..." Now if someone is asking "Do you think I'm overprotective if I follow my child around all day to make sure her shoes are tied?" then YES have it.

Is this in response to the car seat/booster question that I think was posted yesterday?

I see what you're saying, and yes, there are some threads that read that way. But just as you have the right to make the choices you make, because you are "as confident in your choices as other moms are in theirs," that doesn't make the overprotective moms any more or less right than you. Like you said, we all make choices, some overprotective, some not so much, but to each his own.

People post questions, people answer them. I don't think the majority of people posting here try to make anyone feel bad for not being 'as good a mom' as someone else (ok, maybe there are a few... lol). But sometimes in answering a question, you have to explain why you make the choices you do... and in doing so, I guess that sometimes it's hard not to come off the way you described...

I don't have any delusions that what I say on this site deeply affects anyone else's feelings about their choices, or is life-altering for anyone in any way. I just tell it like I see it from my personal experiences.

Maybe some people have other agendas, I guess I can't speak for everyone.

The people who do this, J.? They are needing to make themselves feel better about their decisions and choices...if they can put you down and try and make you feel bad about your decisions, they have then puffed their feathers...

We TRIED to childproof the electrical outlets - both Greg and Nick learned how to pry them off - so we stopped trying and became proactive and instead of helicopter parents.

We decided NOT to change things in our home because "of the baby"..we didn't put the cushion around the fire place...oh my word!!! we didn't move the crystal and ceramic things...we taught the boys to look with their eyes and if they wanted to touch - they ASKED permission or used ONE FINGER...

I once posted about how we had a glass coffee table and our daughter walked totally unassisted at 6 months. A mom on here totally freaked out and said "no one with a young child should have a glass coffee table.."

I thought lady, we had babies, toddlers, prek, all the way to High school and not 1 kid, bumped their heads, ran into it, was injured in any way, because they knew that "we do not run inside or in the house", "we do not bang on tables except for the play table".. etc..

Our neighborhood had 12 children all born within a year of each other and we were all at each others homes and all of our children knew how to behave "inside"..

I just thought if you expect everybody to make their homes and stores childproofed for your child.. You have got it backwards and you are not doing your child any favors.

I see it all of the time on here the parents that do not understand that is is normal for kids to get a little banged up. To get scrapes and bruises. They will be trying new activities, their bodies are growing and so this is normal. I promise you do not want to raise a child that never took chances or was able to just explore.. They will think they are not able to succeed every time.. You will end up with a child that is not willing to try new. They will miss out on a lot of activities.

Again, as its been said a million times on this site, if you ask a question you are opening yourself up to many different opinions. I dont think most people are trying to make you feel bad (although Im sure some are) rather, I think they are just saying what works or doesnt for them. I think I know what recent post might have sparked this, and while some people arent into the same things as the poster (or her husband actually) I think most of the opposing response come out of a difference of opinion, not trying to make others feel bad. I havent read the most recent ones, but as for mine, I definetly didnt mean to offend. Just offer my opinion/answer on the question that was asked. I truly dont mean to offend anyone when answering differently than what you may prefer to hear. And if it works in your home that is what matters...but is it really working if youre posting questions on here about it? Do what works for you, and dont worry about what others think! And if you ask a question, expect to get some people that disagree with you. It doesnt make them bad people, just different than you. No biggie.

I do think it is not necessary to be rude when replying to a post you dont agree with. But sometimes the way people write and what we hear when we read are different than the intent too.

I think those people are just reassuring themselves that they are doing the right thing. They feel the need to pat themselves on the back and put themselves on a pedestal.

To each their own :). We ask questions and get responses on here. As long as the responses are constructive and not demeaning, I say it's working. I am protective of my kids, but didn't take extreme measures with them as babies (didn't baby proof EVERYTHING.) Now I am cautious with them and like to keep an eye on them. My 8 year old is starting to get some freedoms though.

I think everyone needs to get off of everyones back. Who cares if a person thinks they "care" more for their child because of their certain parenting styles. Everyone thinks they are a better parent for their style, otherwise we wouldn't HAVE different parenting styles.

I want to know.......why should this even be an issue unless everyone is so insecure that they feel like they need to tear the other parents down for being overprotective or not?

It is most likely like other posts I've seen here and on Cafe Moms..."I'm better than you." Well, please go ahead and think that way..if it works for you...I am confident in my choices.

I am supposed to feel bad that my ex-husband's grandparents took care of our boys during the day so we could work.

I am supposed to feel bad that I did not child-proof my home. Nana and Papa didn't change their home for my kids. Neither did I.

My boys are now men. I think we did a good job in raising them. Both are happy and well-adjusted.

I think some people on here do try to make others feel bad or stupid (a hard concept for me to wrap my head around). I believe, more often than not, they do so in a sub-conscious effort to feel better about their own self-doubt and insecurities. It's too bad that we can't all feel "love" towards each other and our differences. Very sad.

Luckily, we all get to choose how we ALLOW others to make us feel. It took me many years to put that into practice! It is so freeing!

You know...the other day I answered a question saying I'd never leave the kid in the car alone. It's just one thing I choose not to do. Then some mom comes and says it must feel so good to be so perfect, to never break the law, blah blah blah. Well, I never said I was perfect. You'd walk into my house and see no plug covers, actually no baby proofing whatsoever. Some people would be completely scared for their kids! I have stuff he can break, dogs running around, all kinds of stuff parents would never allow in their home. I think mothers are too sensitive. If one mom says "I'd never do this," another mom who would, thinks they are looking down on them, and claiming to be perfect. The truth is, we ALL have certain things we just won't allow with our children. For me, it's leaving him in the car. For others, it's something different. We all pick and choose what risks we will and won't take. Just because, someone would leave their kid in the car...doesn't mean I think they are a bad parent. Just because I leave breakables within my son's reach, doesn't mean I am.

Parenting is all about choosing what we will expose them to when we have control over it, and choosing what we won't when we have control over it. Someone is bound to disagree with my choices.

For the record, I'm thankful there weren't a lot of car seat rules when I was little. If their had been, because of my size...my parents could have kept me in a 5 point until I was 12!!!

No O. can "make you" feel bad!
If you are confident in your choices, then why think twice when someone offers a different view?
Now, if a comment causes you to think twice about your own choices, then that's another issue entirely.

ETA: So, if this is a "debate" about degree of protectiveness, I don't think you're going to get a lot of people saying "Oh well, I wouldn't let them play with a chainsaw, but anything else is fair game!"
Kind of like good taste and a sense of humor--everyone thinks they have them, but we all know everyone doesn't.
ALL parents, I would bet, think they "take good (protective) care of their kids" because to NOT, would be neglectful, maybe abusive.
Now as far as the helicopter parents....ridiculous.
But at the end of any day, I would still rather be safe than sorry. In most instances.

I think most people are confident in their parenting choices and, therefore, feel they are right. I'm not sure to which question(s) you are referring, but on a pretty much anonymous board, all of these said people would have no trouble sharing their opinions. There's also been many articles on safety out there probably prompting opinions.

The "I care more about my child" comments are definitely self-righteous and judgemental. To me, the "better safe than sorry" camp is more about convincing themselves they made the right choice. Because if safety were really the issue, you wouldn't have to point it out. It also shows the basis of their decision - fear. I think these kinds of comments are very defensive and indicative of less confidence in parenting choices. Who can fault you for safeguarding your child, right? And it offers a built-in dismissal of those who disagree. Stay confident mama!

I saw that you were debating the use of "overprotective". How about "Very protective" (ha).

I can't judge what someone else's intent is, that's a matter of the heart and only those closest to them could have a clue. They might be chastising other moms. They might be bragging about how much better they are. They might be very passionate about how they feel on this topic and speaking sincerely. To each their own, as long as they're not negligent.