Who Do You Talk to About Your Life/relationship?

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it is pretty tough to not have anyone to talk to. And there are people I think I can talk to and they look at me like I am whiney and crazy, so much for the support. It can be darn lonesome. I even have a hard time talking to people I know really well, because I do not want to drain them. My husband says I can talk to him all the time, and for the most part I can, but we do want girlfriends sometimes. Close girlfriends. I have gone through this kind of off and on in life. If you need people I have learned this is the place to write as we are anonymous and there are so many wonderful opinions. And I am older, so I will have different opinions but necessarily bad ones. Keep writing there are friends here.

We're broke, my extended family is in turmoil, my dishes still haven't learnt do themselves, the girls are sick and darn it, I'm tired! My SO is loyal beyond words and has amazing qualities (shoot, he can make me laugh until I snort), but being a "girlfriend" or even a good listener is simply not in his tool box.

But I'll tell you what: I do have girlfriends who have my back. They are family to me, my SO and my kids. Truly, I would do *anything* for them.

I did not meet them at a Mamas group. A lot of them are single and childless, are working/schooling/single mamas, or have another vastly different set of circumstances than I do. Sure, we can't relate to everything each other goes through, but we can empathize, listen and love. I often meet people who I like, at the park or kid friendly functions. Somehow, we never called each other or arranged a meeting. They were really nice/smart/shared similar values and often had kids around the same age - but we weren't meant to be good friends. The friends I have who are also mothers are people who I clicked with, on a deep level, not just because of our shared motherhood (sure it helps though!).

I tell you what, these ladies are my rock. I need them and them me. I cannot imagine solely having to depend on my SO to fill my needs or recognize every one of my personal facets. They are women who see me as the complete me: "wife", mother/auntie, daughter, artist, friend. They ground me and support me when I feel lost. They give me courage. They help me shine. They get me through the bumps in my relationship or with my family. Right now, that is invaluable.

You will find your tribe...
Try finding women who see you for who you really are. Look for the women who share similar values and passions as you. Those are the women who you will click with on a deep level. Because you know what, we might have clean water and we don't fear our homes being raided or bombed in the middle of the night, but we still need community. You sound rational, kind and intelligent. You deserve to have friends who see and appreciate you for that. Good luck.

Hi J.,

I have a long-term relationship with a counselor that I go see from time to time. Having this relationship is great, because counselors and therapists are 1. neutral third parties and 2. they won't gossip. In fact, what usually happens with my counselor is that I present my problem/situation/vent and she provides some ideas. (Once, when I felt my husband was expecting too much from me between parenting and housework, she suggested I write him a proposal, much like a business relationship, because guys "get it" a lot more than they do a pissed-off wife.:) ) I love that I have someone who can give me validation, empathy and solid advice without beating up on me, my husband, or the occasional imbalances in our marriage.

This isn't to dispute any of the beliefs of the people in your church, either, but if you took a poll of your congregation, you'd likely find a pretty wide spectrum of those who believe in the more "subservient wife" model of marriage and those who find equity between husband and wife more appealing. While my counselor is a woman of faith, she has the professional objectivity to realize that my values aren't of the former, but the latter, and supports me based on what I need, and not her personal worldview. So again, the neutral third party has been very helpful for me personally. And she understands some of the gender differences between men and women, how they might each perceive a situation and how to best relate to each other.

Best wishes!

I talk to my co workers (I know that doesnt help you) it really helps to have someone in similar situation, hubby and children and working. I hope you find someone to talk to cuz I think it's great when one of us says "my DH did this.....! or my Daughter said this ....! and we all chime in with a Very Similar story! for now there's always Mamapedia-
Talk to us! PM us

I am in a Women's Group that started out as a "Mothers Group." When the kids got older and became more about ourselves it became a "Women's Group."

Two trusted friends started the group and picked women they thought they could trust that they knew. (they did not necessarily both know the women). Also they tried to choose women that did not normally see one another. Kids in different schools, etc... In other words they didn't pick women that could carry tales to the church, or the PTA, or so on...... The first couple of years there was some transition. Two people dropped out and two new people (me being one of them) was asked into the group.

To start a Mothers Group. Choose at least one woman who does not live in your neighborhood. Let her choose someone you don't know, etc... Try and find 5-6 willing women. Choose women with kids, but not all the same ages. You will benefit from a mom with a child a few years older than yours.

At the first meeting set rules. If you are interested in this contact me and I will give you some ideas for format. After awhile you will know who you can trust and whether this group is working.

I have been in the same group for about 18 years. We rarely see one another away from group. We trust each other and are there for each other. On occasion in crisis we call one another or do something fun as a group. It's not all a support group anymore.

So, yes.........a Mothers group is a good idea. Join a few things where you can meet mom's like yourself. They'll "get it." You will have that support system that truly understands before you know it!

Have you ever considered keeping a journal? You can put all your feelings and thoughts in to it as if you were talking to a friend. I do this because, like you, I don't have many close friends with whom I'm comfortable sharing these issues. It's kinda like talking to myself, but without the funny looks that come with actually doing it out loud. <wink>

You are not alone with this. Most men don't get that women's emotional scales are calibrated differently then theirs. What seems like "drama fest" to them, is really just how we blow off steam. The best part about recording all this in a journal is that you can go back and read it to give yourself some perspective. I've re-read my journals and just laugh at what drove me nuts and how it doesn't bother me so much anymore. We're all still growing up!

So, hang in there. This too shall pass...

Hi J..
I don't really have an answer for you (sorry!), but I am in a very similar situation and just want you to know that you are not alone! I am 25, married with two kids and I'm a SAHM. When I was 20 I moved away and went to college in PA...where my boyfriend (now husband) lived at the time. I lost touch with my friends back home (only had a few close ones). About 6 months after moving I was pregnant with my daughter and a couple months before I had her we moved back to my home town (in IN)....but my friends had their own lives and I had a new baby and we just drifted apart. Now...we live in PA again with our 2 LO's and I dont have any close friends here. My husband has friends from work that we hang out with sometimes but I dont have anyone close to me to talk to about things. My mom, like yours, tends to get deffensive of me when I talk about my DH and me fighting about something. She always wants to blame him even when Im just needing to vent a little, ya know? Anyway...I know how it feels. Its lonely sometimes, for me at least. I feel like I dont have anyone I can talk to...at least no one that will understand where Im coming from. My DH has also claimed that Im "just being a drama queen" about some things, but I think they just dont understand. They dont stay at home with the kids. They have a life outside the home, people they can talk to, etc. Ive tried to meet people through different things but havent had any luck. Ive probably blabbed on and on here lol but I just wanted to say that if you ever need to talk about stuff, whether it be DH or LO's or just life in general, feel free to PM me. I know we dont know e/o but that doesnt mean we cant lend e/o an ear now and then! Good luck with everything! :)

Dear Sister,

I have moved many, many times and I have ALWAYS had the good fortune of meeting a new girlfriend, always older than me, whom I click with and can be honest with about anything. It takes times to find this special friend. I used to jump right in and want to be best buds and tell all...but I learned that approach turned people off. It now turns me off too, when s/o comes on too strong.

I find that true intimate relationships need to stand the test of time before trust and closeness become natural.. Find an older woman, start with smaller confidences and see how things go. There are many open hearted, non judgemental, caring women in this world. Just look at this site.

And I also pray to God to open those doors in relationships for me too. I had a very abusive childhood and am not close to my mother or father, so I really need to find that nuturing mother figure in my life. I know that need will always be a part of my make up.

I have also sought support from therapists, with mixed reviews. I have had some amazing professional counseling that went well. I have also met therapists that offer little insight and I did not feel it worth my time and money.

I wonder why Anthony below keeps pushing his religious opinions? I've tried that approach too, and it did not fill my cup...only real people and real relationships with godly people fill my desire. Maybe something's wrong with me there.

A mom's group is an excellent start.
And congratulations on reaching the level of intellectural development
that brings you to look for companions with whom you can have adult
conversations about real life, not just superficial chitchat.
Have you considered taking some college-level classes?
Maybe just one/semester/quarter.

join a moms group, then if you click with someone invite them over for a playdate. i met one of my best friends this way. it's good to have someone like her who is not part of my family... so i can talk about anything with her.

i know how you feel though, it's really hard to find that friend, and i've gone through many dry spells where i had no close friends to talk about everything with. lots of "how's the weather" and "what do you do for potty training" friends... but the ones you can really talk to are hard to come by.

check out meetup.com and the international moms club and if you are looking for a good church community for moms my church is great mormon.org

I hear you! I got so frustrated and tired of being made to feel like I overreact, I finally opened up to some moms I have known, but am not close to. Their husbands act the same way. That made me feel better than hubby wasn't just an insensitive jerk and that I am not overreacting.
:0) It is very hard to make M. friends. I wish that when I made a best friend, I didn't stop making M. friends because she moved and now I have to start all over.
I don't know if you ever had this happen, but I had an older woman friend who when I finally said one thing about my husband encouraged me to divorce him. That is not helpful as I love him and don't want a divorce. Plus, I listened to her complain about everything.

I am probably the last one to talk to. I was married to an abusive spouse for 15 years and divorced and was single for five years. I married the man of my dreams I thought but that has turned into a nightmare. I know that I had trust issues from the first marriage, but that aside I tried telling my husband now that marriage is a two way street. It cannot lead to him all the time. We have problems as issues just as important as theirs are. Let them try staying at home and keeping the children. It will be a different story.
Keep a log of what you do daily so he can see your routine. Some men think staying at home is easy but it is not all the time. One needs to get out, be with the friends, go shopping or maybe out to dinner/movie. Sometimes the walls seem to close in on a person and that is why having friends are so important. A relationship with God is important I feel because if I didn't have Him I would be totally lost.

Now some women will give advice while looking at your husband, so be careful who you tell your problems to.