I recently decided to stay at home with my children, and my husband has been happy about it, letting all of his family know about our good news. Last night while on the phone with his mother I heard my husband mention something about "going to the zoo twice a week" and "no mom that's not a good idea". When he got off the phone I asked him what it was about and he said his sister needed a babysitter for her son, who is having trouble in daycare. He told me not to worry he said no, but that wasnt enough for me. I was upset that I wasn't asked or told anything, and why did everyone feel like he was who could answer yes or no for me. I guess it is over and I should drop it, atleast that is what he wants me to do. Yet I don't think the situation was handled right, and if nothing is said they will do the same thing again. We have been married for over 10 years now and they(his mom and sister) always seem to not include me and then turn around and ask me to do something or take advantage of me in some way. Should I speak up? Should i drop it? Was it okay for him to say no? What if they get upset with me because he said no? I need to hear another opinion.
Thanx to everyone. i got the best, and most supportive answers ever. I have come to realize that my husband finnaly did what I have been asking him to do for ten years, and I had no reason to be upset. We talked a little bit about it after I gave him a big hug and kiss and thanked him for dealing with his family, and saving me the trouble. My husband told me that she didnt even ask him, she just beat around the bush and he let her know, right away that I wouldn't want to, and he didn't want me to either. Thanx moms you all have been so helpful.
I personally would be happy that he responded for you. It prevents you from having to be part of an awkward or potentially adversarial conversation.
I see my husband as the go between for us (and me, with my parents). If he knows there are things that I wouldn't want to do, he heads it off at the pass. As a result, I have a terrific relationship with my inlaws.
Consider it lucky!
Ooh, sounds like you dodged a bullet there. Here's how I read it (let me know if I got this wrong): your SIL needs childcare, your MIL (knowing you were going to be a SAHM) asked your DH if you'd be open to watching the child, your DH nipped that idea in the bud thus saving you the guilt of having to turn them down when they asked you directly. If my DH had done that for me, he'd be my hero! You're lucky you have a man that put your needs before that of his mom and sis. He's obviously looking out for you! Unless, you WANT to watch your nephew everyday. If that's the case, go ahead and offer your services. Then YOU'LL be THEIR hero!
Wow! You have an awesome husband to take care of this for you and not make you deal with it!!!! You have no idea how many women would commend him for telling his mother NO. Let it go and give your husband a huge hug!!!!
Be happy you did not have to answer the question. His side of the family, and he did it for you...this way you don't have to worry about saying or doing what think is right. Lucky lady!! Don't feel left out, seems right that HIS mother and HIS sister talk to HIM first, I mean they are blood related and grew up together so are more comfortable speaking/asking him. DO NOT FEEL REJECTED or think for any reason that they THINK YOU ARE A BAD MOM! I think they just want to pass it by the person they are most comfortable talking, which is their son/brother.
Your a GREAT MOM! That is obvious, so don't stress over this...there are bigger things to stress over ;)
I don't have time to read the others, so I am sorry if I repeat.
I can understand your frustration if it seems like this is a pattern of not being consulted or considered, but I think in this particular situation, it was handled correctly.
Most families that have successful in law relationships have a policy of talking to the person who's family it is. Basically the rule that everyone handles its own family members. So if something needs to be dealt with in your husband's family, he handles it. And if you guys have an issue with your family, you handle it. That always seems to work out the best, and on almost every In Law question on this board, you will see that advice being given.
You might think, so why didn't he ask me and get back to them? But if he had done that, what is he going to say when he calls them back? "No Mom, she said she wouldn't do it." That puts you on the spot.
I think your husband did great in this situation, and maybe that is what has always been going on (on your husband's part). He wasn't letting you get taken advantage of. Because how are you supposed to say you don't want to babysit your sister in law's kid without looking like you are selfish, or inconsiderate, or whatever else they might think of you for saying no.
I think you should not feel bad about this situation at all and be grateful that your husband is willing to defend you to his family, unlike so many other ones I read about on here. Hope that helps you feel better!
Go kiss your husband NOW. Obviously now that you are a SAHM, his sister is thinking you can watch her kids too. Hubby saved you and YOU need to drop it. Enjoy being home with your kids and let hubs handle his family.
I'm assuming that you've talked to your husband about the issues with his mother and sister as well as talking to him about how thrilled you both are that you can SAH now as well as the benefits for your children and home in the bargain.
If you and your husband are on the same page with all of those things, then I think he was being sweet by sticking up for you so you wouldn't have to do it. Men like to be able to fight some of our battles for us, and really, he was the more appropriate person to handle it. I'm just amazed that he did it. It's not always easy to get a man to stand up to his own mother. I think you're lucky that he's more interested in preserving your sanity than cow-towing to his mother. I think he just figured that he'd take care of it for you so you didn't have to get stressed out by the issues with his mom and sister.
Give him a big kiss and thank him for being so thoughtful.
Gosh -- We usually hear the opposite problem out here on mamapedia: Husbands that do NOT speak up for their wives or protect their wives or take their wife's side with MILs and SILs.
I think you should drop it. They are gonna think whatever they want and there is nothing you (or even probably your husband) can do about it.
Enjoy your time with your children and perhaps talk to your husband about how you can help out your SIL on super limited very structured and very planned out way. For example, can I provide coverage for her for 2 hours on Wednesdays? Because maybe your children will actually enjoy and benefit from regular interaction with other kids.
OMG thank God he said no, believe me he saved you a LOT of trouble in the future. You really don't want to take in another child, being a SAHM is enough work.
In this case I think it was great he took the liberty to answer without asking because 1) he knows you will be extremely busy and honestly who wants extra work. 2) He himself does not like the idea of you babysitting the nephew because it takes attention away from your children. 3) He doesn't want to start a pattern of them asking you to babysit this child whenever they run into trouble.
I'm not sure what other ocassions he has answered on your behalf or how different it was from this situation, but in this case I would be glad he said no.
congrats on staying at home, what a blessing!
I think you should be glad you got to dodge the bullet with this question. If it were me and whoever asked me this question directly, I'd probably feel like I had to yes; it would have made me very uncomfortable. So, at least he said no for you... I mean unless you want to keep your nephew. Just a side note, I stayed home for the first 15-months with my son and I kept my nephew as well. Not that I didn't enjoy doing it and helping my sister out, but somedays I felt a little taken advantage of, like "she's at home anyways, so it just assumed she can take care of him." Anyways, unless you want to keep him, I wouldn't care if they think you said no. Congrats on getting to stay home; I hope you have a ball!
It sounds like your husband is on your side, so I would drop it. As long as you have his support, please don't worry about it. UNLESS you would like to watch the child, and earn some extra cash. Then you should tell your husband that you would have appreciated being consulted about this and talk about it with him. But I'm assuming that you don't really want to watch the kid, and so I would just write it off. My inlaws always ask my husband things instead of me - and my family asks me instead of him. That's just the way these things often work.
If you didn't want to babysit then be happy and drop it with the family. However, if you want your husband to consult you in the future then sit him down and tell him how you feel.
If you DO want to babysit, then call your sister-in-law and ask the details. Tell her the truth. Her brother said "no" without talking to you, BUT BE HONEST. Don't do it unless you really want to.
If you want to speak up for yourself then that is exactly what you have to do. But if you need to say "no" then you have to be strong enough to do just that.
I agree with dropping it, but I'd be stewing about it, too. Be grateful your husband has your back and didn't volunteer you for babysitting duty. I'd be glad that your husband intercepted and prevented you from being in a tough situation.
If they get upset, it's their problem. It's her son who's having trouble in day care, and it is an imposition for you to deal with him if you already have other plans for your own kids. Do you have the same discipline approaches, who would pay for his food, etc? One of the biggest complaints people seem to have with running in-home day cares is being taken advantage of from a time perspective. People aren't late to a day care that charges $1/minute late, but seem to think it's OK to be 15 minutes late when it's at someone's house. How would you address that?
I think he did you a favor - but, if it bothers you, I'd have a talk with him and ask why he didn't let you make the decision for yourself since you're the one most affected by it.
Good luck!
Assuming that you did NOT want to babysit, I think it is GREAT that your husband answered for you. Some women would love to have thier husbands answer for them on touch questions like that versus making you answer to them. Maybe you did not relay your issue well enough but it sounds like it worked out great.
Honestly, my in-laws always call my husband about things, not me, which I think is how it should be, usually its about the both of us doing or going somewhere. I suppose it would be nice of him to check with you first, but maybe he has other reasons to squash the idea immediately. Maybe your nephew is a brat and your husband is worried about your safety or sanity... the fact that he's having trouble in daycare is a tipoff. Your hubby would probably feel that they went behind his back if they called you directly and not him.
No,it was not okay for your husband to answer in your behalf. Please don't let this go as you will build up resentment. explain to your husband how you feel and you would appreciate it if they ask anything else to let you talk for yourself. All he had to do was reply,I don't know,i will pass the request on to her and she will get back to you.You may have to mention it to them that if they want you to do something they need to ask you directly.
I do feel like i understand you quite a bit. My husband's family does the same thing and although I do thinkit's kind of normal I also get upset by it! ;) I think you just need to make sure you are really talking with your hubby and he understands where you're at. LIke someone else said, husbands really like to fight your battle for you, it makes them feel manly and helpful even though we don't always see it that way!
also, do you have a house phone or do you only use cell phones? I've found that if we encourage our families to call the house phones instead of cells all the time,it enables the other person to pick up the call and chat with their spouses family and friends. Cell phones are great, but sometimes they can actually hinder person to person connections! Do you call his mom and sister for things? If you don't regularly call them, you should start trying to do that a bit more. Why would they call you if you never call them?
It's hard to work with in laws, and I think it got exponentially harder after having kids! I'm sure you can work it out as long as you and your husband are on the same page.
Doesn't sound like they decided you should watch the nephew and then called your husband about it. More likely your MIL knows SIL is looking for childcare and that you are staying home, then when your husband was talking to her about how great your kids' days are going to be, she suggested it like "do you think she'd like to take care of ___?" I'm sure that if your husband hadn't squashed it immediately, they would have ASKED you.
I too don't understand the issue here. Is it because your MIL didn't ask you directly? My MIL does this all the time and I think it is fine. She will ask my husband something and if he knows it's something I don't want to do he will just tell her. Otherwise he will ask me and we get back to her with an answer. The only time my MIL will ask me directly is if I answer the phone first or if hubby is out of town. We've been married over 10years as well and I think it is proper for her to go through her son first. My family will do the same and ask me first when they would like hubby to help with something. I think you should be thanking your hubby for saying no. That way if anyone gets upset they can get upset with him not you.
I don't really know the situations past history. But do you try to connect with them? I know you said they leave you out, but some times the best way to break in is to do them a favor, cuz then they owe you. But again i don't know them. it does sound to me like this boy is having issues and if you tried to watch him they would some how blame you for his troubles. so be glad he said no and if it bugs you that much that he didn't consult you ask if he would tell them that the TWO of you needed time to discuss it. THen you can say no.
Goodnes, I couldn't say it better than Anna Lee did.
