Whiny 13 Month Old

Hi! My son is 15 months old and a few months ago he went through a really whiney stage too. It drove me nuts! It was just a phase though...it last about 1 1/2 months.

S.,

Have you ever quit smoking, or gone on a strict diet? Remember how stressful it was.. how frustrated you felt wanting something you couldn't have?? Now imagine that the choice wasn't yours. That your boss made you do it...

That is what your baby is is going through.. He is probably very frustrated and stressed out.. Since he has no words to express his feelings, he is communicating the only way he knows how..

So give him a break.:-) Ignore the "bad" act, and respond to the feelings. Maybe when he gets frustrated around "bottle time" read a book, or play with a favorite toy. Give him the words.. "I know you are frustrated, but it's OK" ..

My daughter, now 13, went through something similar.. and by the time she was two.. she would tell me she was "fur-us-ter-rated!". She'd stand fuming.. with her little fists clenched and a scowl on her face.. While it was cute to me, It was also very helpful to know how she felt.. We'd problem solve whatever bothered her, sometimes it workes, sometimes she got a "time-out" where she could rant and rave in her room, and then only come out when she could control herself. Often I;d go into her room and find her curled up on the floor, fast asleep..

She uses the same self-calming strategy now. Screaming into a pillow, and beating up a stuffed animal, lol... So as a toddler.. a life-lesson was being learned, although I didn't realize it at the time.

Follow your heart.. but don't reinforce the bad behavior by reacting to it.. Once the tears begin, offer comfort, and coping ..

It will pass.. and while giving up the bottle and pacifier is a good thing.. recognize how stressful it is.

I'd also suggest keeping that bed-time bottle .. even if you eventually wean it over to watered-down juice, and then plain water.. He will sleep better at night with it, and so will you! My daughter didn't give up the nighttime bottle ( just water) till she was four.. and her teeth are perfect..

Good luck, and know you're not alone!

Val

I am in the same situation! My son is almost 15 months and has gotten very demanding and gets very upset when he doesn't get his way. He definitley does things to "test" me. If he has something he shouldn't I just take it away and move on. If he is doing something he shouldn't, like throwing food, cups or going into the garbage can, I just remove the items from him and move on. I try to tell him the rationale but don't expect him to fully understand, I just have always talked to him normally. Eventually he'llunderstand me. I keep trying to redirect him or distract him with other things. If he gets whiny, I just ignore him or briefly acknowledge his frustrations and go about our business as usual. If he's really over the edge throwing a tantrum, I leave him alone and ingonre his actions altogether until he calms down. Depending on the circumstance, I will I'll try to comfort him (like if I know he's overtired or hasn't been with me all day) but again if he's doing it to just test me and be stubborn - I don't want to condone this behavior or give him reason to keep doing it. I'll just make sure he's safe - in his crib, in his booster seat or in the living room where he is gated and on carpeting - i don't just leave him unattended or unsafe (which I would hope would be clear but just wanted to be sure it was!) ; ) From what others tell me they had this problem too. I am certainly learning how to deal with it and don't have all the answers so I am curious to see what others respond to you with! I very much agree with Michelle's response too!!!

S.,
I read the other responses. I absolutely agree that you should take his stress factor into consideration and provide some needed comfort. I also like the idea of teaching some basis sign language. However, IF these methods don't work, here's another idea that worked for me. Sometimes my son, at about the same age as yours, would not want me to hold him when he was upset. It would upset him even more. So, instead, I would say, "I see that you are upset. When you are ready to use your words, I'll be in [the other room]." I just walk away while he is whining and crying. Within about 20 seconds, he calmed himself down and found me. I would hold his hands and try to tell him what I thought was making him mad. Most of the time I got it right, but if I guessed wrong, then he'd need to be left alone again to cry some more. Oh, and sometimes I would immitate him. I would make the same faces, say the same sounds, even get down on the floor and wave my arms and legs. He would be so surprised that he's stop crying and even laugh at me! Another trick I used was to carry him into the bathroom when he was crying, and point to his immage in the mirror. "Look at that mad face. That's Conner's mad face. What is Conner so upset about?" Seeing himself like that also helped him to understand that I understood what he was feeling, and that was enough to help him calm down and listen to me.
O.K. I think that I'm done rambling now!! :-)

Oh wow, I thought our 17 months old was the only one:)Honestly I just tell him we do not do it/or no and walk away(as long as he is safe and I still can see him).He too was such a happy baby, and even though he is still happy most of the time the crying and tantrams are not fun. People say it gets better, I surely hope so:)

Please don't feel like you have to do EVERYTHING the doctor says when they say it. Perhaps it is too much weaning from the bottle AND the pacifier at the same time. Perhaps you could let him have the pacifier at night. That is what all of my friends have done with their children and they aren't 4 still sucking on one. Every child is different. I get so irritated at the doctors making parents feel like if the child doesn't do X by Y time then it's some sort of huge problem.

I think you need to trust your gut. You know your son better than anyone and you aren't abusing him if you let him have a pacifier at 13 months old.

L.

Stay Calm! He will pick up on your vibes, and it WILL PAY OFF! Maybe not tomorrow, yet when he is 3 for sure! If he has had his shots, he may be having a reaction to them he cannot say in words( thi scan happen even weeks after) and this is the only way he knows how to say mom, somethings not right. If he eats a lot of sugar( read your packages! High Fructose Corn Syrup is in LOTS) begin to ween him of sugar. And take ten minutes and lock yourself in the bathroom and breath! he is trying to tell you something, so listen, you will get it!

Ignore the behavior and just try alot of redirecting. Give him a positive option rather than focusing on the negative. Give him something the dog CAN eat before of after meals and let him feed that to the dog(this will enhance doggy-child relationship)(have himfeed by hand or put in doggy bowl...). Challenge him that you want to see if he can hold his cup with out throwing it and if he does reward him with praise. Embrace the behavior and stay positive.
S. S

Welcome to toddler hood. I have three children (7, 5 & 1) my two older ones did the same thing and my little one is just starting. It sounds like he is testing you to see what you will let him get away with. I found that the best thing for me to do when they started was walk away. Take from him whatever he shouldn't have or does not want, like his cup and walk out of the room. I did this a few times and the kids realized that I was not playing. At his age it is too hard to try to conptimise with him, because he doesn't understand. If he throws a cup I would let him watch you put in the sink and walk away. let him see that you have no intention of letting him get his way. If he tries to feed the dog (huge game in my house) take his food away and tell him that he is all done. Sometimes it feels cruel, but he has to see that you anr in charge. He is too young for time out, so he has to see direct consequences. it might make you feel bad, but it only takes a few times and he will learn. Another thing you should do is to make sure that everyone who is with him on a regular basis is doing the same thing, whether it be grandparents, aunts/uncles or a sitter. the more people on your page the faster he will learn!! good luck!!

I think Michelle's response is right on target. I was having some tantrum problems, and implemented the type of communication she's talking about--and I try to get down on my son's level when he's upset or frustrated. It's working. I started doing this after I started reading the Sears book on discipline (am still reading it). Try that, and maybe see if the book is available at your library (or secondhand from amazon?)

Good luck.

My daughter was one of those kids too, who just crash. I guarantee he is tired, or hungry, or bored, or confused. Or any combination of the three. Kids typically do this around 12 months to 12 years (hahha) But seriously, make sure you always have snacks on hand, his blood sugar could crash in what seems like a blink of an eye. Tiredness can hit like a ton of bricks, and a sweet kid can morph to a monster in a matter of seconds. If you are out and about, and he does this, give him a snack. Carbs like goldfish crackers, or the gerber fruit snacks can give him a push of energy and help his blood sugar. but get home soon and get him a nap. toddlers need 12 hours of sleep at night and a good 2 hour nap each day. Hope this helps, and if you try these and you have a gut feeling it just isnt all that is going on, follow your GUT!! YOU of all people know him the best, and if you truly think it is something that you should talk to the ped. about, no harm will come to anyone if you do so. Also, reassurance from your ped. may be the advice you need.

To put it simply, ignore the bad behavior to the best of your ability, but make a big deal over the good behavior. reward the good behavior. T.

Oh dear...that sounds like my baby! At 9 months, she still couldn't roll over or crawl. At her 9-mo check up the doctor looked at her and then told me, very seriously, "She's stubborn. Watch for tantrums before all of her friends." Good grief! What an "official diagnosis"! She was right, of course. She's nearly 21 months now, and the tantrums are getting better. She's old enough to start understanding "time outs." I give her to the count of 5 to calm down and give me her "happy face." If she can't do it, I put her in her room (with or without shutting the door!) and tell her she can come back out when she's happy. It's working. It usually only takes a minute. Now, if I close the door, she screams until I open it again, BUT...she has gotten over the original argument when I bring her back out. The time out duration is completely self-inflicted, and I think she's starting to understand that. If I don't close the door, she smiles and follows me out. That's fine. She's not in trouble, she just needed a moment to calm down. Toddlers have their pride, too!

Oh yes - the days of easy-distractions and out-of-sight-out-of-mind are over!
I can highly recommend the book "the Happiest Toddler on the Block". My son also started acting this way around the same age, and the tips in the book totally worked. Essentially, first you get on their level (either you to the floor or as another poster said, pick him up), then you need to acknowledge their frustration. "you want to give your food to the dog. you reeeeealllly want to give your food to the dog." It's so weird but at least for my son, as soon as I acknowledge what he wants, we're on our way - he calms down and listens. Then explain in super simple language that "you can't give your food to the dog." Nothing complex about it makes the dog sick or whatever. Sometimes this will send my son over the edge again, but I just repeat.
I'm way oversimplifying the book (he has tons of techniques for different situations), so I'd recommend you get it and read it. It helped me, my husband, and my mom develop better communication with my son. He still will try to throw a tantrum (they are developing their independence, after all), but they're over almost as soon as they start.
AND, i wouldn't worry so much about what your son will be like in 2 or 3 years. Just focus on what he's like today, and what he may need help developing (patience, managing frustration, learning basic manners, etc).

I know that it sounds counterintuitive, because you are stressed out from all the whining...but my advice is to pick up your baby every time he cries and calmly talk to him. It does not really matter what kind words you say to him-just that you understand his frustration (for example, when he throws a fit over going outside, sooth him, but when he calms down say calmly, "I was also so disappointed not to go outside, but soon will be the time to go outside, let's go." Wait a bit so he knows that you have to wait sometimes, but he has to wait, then go.) (The throwing the cup, pick him up and have him put his own cup in the sink, "This is where we put cups we don't need anymore.") The key to this approach is to also pick him up throughout the day while he is not crying as well and talk in the same calm voice. What you are showing him is that you respect his frustration that his bad moods are not going to effect your mood, and that there is a calmer more peaceful way to respond than screaming. Over time (way quicker than coming down on him), your son will adjust and peacefully attack the problem. He wants to control his environment around him, he just doesn't have the tools yet to do that, so that's where you come in to show him how.

I have 3 children, 2 of which went through this screaming. What I found is that my independent children wanted to be able to communicate to me, and out of pure frustration could not express themselves well at 13 months. Later (around 2), my children had huge duscussions about why they were throwing a fit. It's a sign of intelligence, strong will, determination and frustration with themselves. You are building trust and security in this approach.

My baby did that right before a huge language burst. My advice:

1) introduce some basic sign language (eat, drink, all done, more)

2) don't take away the pacifier just yet. taking that away along with the bottle is a bit much all at once. my daughter has terrible coping skills and the binkie was her only salvation until recently (she'll be 2 next week). now we're down to pacifier only at nap and bed. not a big deal.

3) sometimes just repeating the obvious works. "you want the _____. you want the ___." even if you don't give it to him, just acknowledging his wants and feelings helps.

4) hang in there!

heres my opinion. you will go to one pediatrician and they tell you A, B, and C. then go to another one, and they tell you the exact opposite. now when it comes to illnesses and such, yes there are clear cut answers, but when it comes to these minor details, they are only giving THEIR OPINION, which i think has more to do with their own parenting choices rather than proven fact.
to take away the bottle and pacifier at the same time seems very stressful and although these outbursts are thruout the day, he doesnt know why he is stressed so it wont coincided with just the nightime, kwim.
when she was 2 we got rid of the bottle. we first bought a nuby sippy cup since its most like a bottle, and then we would allow her to choose, either a bottle of water or the cup of milk. in a few weeks she just said which she wanted and dropped the water alltogether. the bottle would be something you might want to eliminate first since cavities are such a big problems but i still think 13 months is a little young. or maybe just give him water in it so if its a comfort object, he still has it.
as for the pacifier, if you only give it to him at night, i dont see what the problem is. my pediatric specialist dentists said there is no permanent damage as long as its gone before 3 and used minimally, and it is prefered in comparison to thumbsucking.
he sounds very overwhelmed with all these changes for him to be a big boy, but he is still just a baby.