Do you ever just hate yourself for the way you treated your child?
We had a bad weekend. My son has been really emotionally volatile lately, crying at the drop of a hat when something doesn't go right for him. And I've been especially intolerant of it, I'm not proud to admit. Over the weekend, when these episodes occurred, I gave him a few seconds of motherly love, trying to snap him out of it with a little hug, and an "it'll be ok." But when that didn't work, and it didn't at all this weekend, I immediately got angry, and became very intolerant of his behavior, speaking angrily (and meanly) to him in the process. It came to a head yesterday, after we left a birthday party, where he had cried 2 or 3 times over little things, like I told him not to do something he wanted to do because other kids had done it, that kind of little dumb stuff. By the end of the party, I had had it. In the car, I told him I was not happy with his behavior at the party, and that all the crying all the time had to stop. I was yelling at him, asking him why he does that (which I DO NOT EXPECT my 4 year old to know the answer to this, yet I pressed him on it - God, I hate myself). He was yelling to try to explain the best he could, I was cutting him off, not accepting his answer because he was blaming his crying on the fact that the other kids were doing what he wanted to do. He was in tears, not crying, but in tears out of frustration with me at this point. When we got home, we talked about it some more, and then the real emotions kicked in. He started saying he cries because he was "born like this." I have no idea what this means, but for some resason, it made me feel really bad because I hear him saying that he feels he can't control it, and that he's internally flawed with his crying, because I have done an excellent job of making him feel like his crying is not ok. I know I'm probably reading too much into it, but I can't help it at this point. And when I started crying (out of frustration with myself more than him at this point), my son looked at me, began stroking my hair to comfort me, and then just broke down into deep sobbing, saying "it's all my fault." Seriously, I am distraught and completely sick about my behavior.
Why did I do this to him? I can't stand myself for even typing this. And as I sit here - at work - typing this, I am sobbing.
I immediately told him that it's wasn't his fault I was crying, that I was just upset because we had been having such a hard time this weekend. I ALWAYS tell him that even when I'm angry with him, I ALWAYS LOVE HIM, no matter what. And I told him this again, over and over. But the damage had already been done. He felt bad about himself, and he felt responsible for my angst.
I just can't shake this horrible feeling I have right now. Like I have done some major damage to my son by my yelling at him like I did, making him feel like I made him feel, and with my trying to reason with him about his behavior like he's an adult, even though I KNOW he doesn't understand. I know I need to try to help him with his behavior, but times like yesterday went way beyond anything reasonable. I know kids are resilient, and he's probably long forgotten about yesterday, but I can't shake my regret about all of this.
I have VOWED to NEVER DO THIS TO HIM AGAIN. To make him feel so badly about himself (even though my sole intention was to get him to unsdrstand that he shouldn't cry every time something doesn't go his way - at least that's why it started.) But like I said, it went way beyond that.
I don't know what I'm even asking here. I am just really disgusted with myself right now and worrying about how my poor little guy is feeling. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has done something totally stupid with their child, and please tell me that he'll be fine in spite of me.
Thank you all for your kind words - I sooooo need them right now. And thank you for sharing your similar stories. It really does help to know that other GOOD moms make mistakes like mine.
Thanks so much...
You are definitely not the only parent who loses it when they have been dealing with a whiny toddler for a whole day (or weekend). I have a relatively short fuse and keep reminding myself to take a deep breath when my son (who's 3) is being difficult. It helps! (wish I could apply it as sucessfully to dealing with my hubby - ha ha)
Was it something in the air yesterday?! I swear you are talking about my day yesterday with my son! LOL!
I felt guilty too yesterday and yes I was crying out of guilt as well. All I could think was “I’m such a bad Mom!”
I will not get into the long story about what happened but I can tell you that I was so upset with his behavior that I yelled at him saying “I am SO mad at your behavior that I don’t even want to talk to you right now!!” I walked out of the room and left him crying on the couch. He cried so hard because I yelled that I ended up feeling horrible!
The guilt I felt was so bad that I actually called my husband at work and told him that our DS would be sleeping with me in our bed because all I wanted to do was hold him. My husband gets home late as he works nights. I told my husband what happened and he completely understood.
This morning = all was forgotten and my DS woke up in a great mood as usual. I kept expecting him to say something like “you’re such a mean Mommy!” but he didn’t! LOL!
I think the ramifications are worse for us as the parent because we feel that we should be super Moms and never have moments like those. We are only human though and by us apologizing to our little guys they will learn compassion.
Anyway thank YOU because talking about it, I feel better.
Why don’t we just take a deep breath, realize we are only human and give our kids extra hugs & kisses today =-)
Our kids will be just fine!
I, for O., have been exactly where you are! VERY recently. School holiday today but I needed to work. Asked my son if he would like to stay at my mom's last night so I could get into the office early (she lives about 50 minutes away). He said no. I said OK. after dinner--out of the blue, he says "hmmm...I could to to Gram's tonight....." I LEAP into action, packing his jammies, toys, DS, etc, and then, after I had everything in the trunk, he says "Nah......I don't wany to....." Of course, I'M all ready for this plan so I double talk him into the car--drive 50 minutes--on fumes---get him there--unload his "stuff" and he starts crying! And saying "I want to sleep in my own bed!" On and on.
Bottom line--we drive ALL the way home and I was SO angry! Wasted the whole evening AND still, this morning, I had to take him halfway to meet my mom. Ugh. I started really yelling at him, he was crying and then he said "I tried to tell you at the house but you didn't listen..." And you know what? He was right! I was thinking about how much easier my morning would be if he stayed the night there.
Anyway--don't feel bad--we all lose it sometimes. anyone who says they never have is lying to your face! LOL
You're an awesome mom and this past weekend hasn't changed that! Do you know how many moms scream like that at their kid(s) constantly and don't give it a second thought????? Forgive yourself.
I have been there too. You are NOT the only one. Your son will be fine. He will react to the bulk of the way you deal with him, not one instance. He will not be scarred for life. Lord help us ALL if I am wrong about that!
Just remind yourself next time he stomps all over your last nerve, that you need to take a time-out for yourself, and get a grip on your own emotions before you try to talk to him. I have found that I often get worked up when I try to talk to my son like that in the car. It's better if you wait until you can sit side by side... (1: there is a delay getting to a location like that, so you have time to "get a grip", and 2: you can give those hugs at the same time and you are not separated by a physical boundary that isolates your child).
Chalk it up to one of those bad bad days... and try to let it go. Apologize to him for overreacting... tell him that you understand that he cried because he was upset, and well, gee... you had a fit for the same reasons... so you DO understand! You're sorry.. and you'll be careful not to do that anymore. And LET IT GO.
<<hugs>>
Listen, just because we are moms doesn't mean that we don't have bad days and limits. There is really only so much you can take sometimes. Please don't beat yourself up over it. We have all said/done things we wish we could take back...but we can't. The best we can do is recognize the fact that we need to work on it and try our best!
Take a deep breath and then get the book, "She's Gonna Blow". It's a good read, and it lets you know that you are not alone! It does have a Christian slant, as it is written by a Christian author, but I think it would really help you out no matter what you believe spiritually.
Hang in there! You're a great mom doing your best. It can be a hard, frustrating job at times and the volcano can erupt. You recognize that what you are doing is not the best for your child and have the motivation to change it...so first, forgive yourself because your son already has, and make tomorrow a better day.
Hugs.
Well I will just reiterate what the other mommies have said, give yourself a break. You guys had a bad day and you had a meltdown. It happens. I once threw my son's highchair top, you know the table part, against the wall. Nice... But hey no-one was in the flight path and my son is no worse for wear!! Of course I don't make a habit out of these things;) If you feel you wronged your son, just apologize. So easy. Just say "Hey Mommy is sorry for yelling a lot yesterday, do you forgive me?" He will say yes, and just move on:) You can follow it up with a "But remember not getting your way doesn't mean you cry every time, let's work on that together" Give him a reassuring hug so he knows you are fine and stable and then just move on. He knows you love him, he knows you are fine, it's all good. You haven't damaged him, only prepped him for being a husband to a wife who might have a meltdown once in a while;) It's ok really. He just needs to see that you are still in charge and all is well. Don't worry about him saying he was born this way...he could have heard that anywhere and just be using the phrase a lot. Don't worry, you are still a great mom! Even we awesome mamas have our days...weeks...months...;) Well you get the point!! Take care mama!
I think you need to not be so hard on yourself. We as moms have so much pressure on us to be perfect. I have yet to meet anyone who is. I myself have had moments of yelling which in hindsight I so wished I hadn't and feel so terrible about. Just remember we're human. Your son knows you love him. Just be the best mom you can be. And remember we all get a little over emotional sometimes.
We all have ugly parenting moments. It's the most wonderful and utterly frustrating job there is. The thing that's important, is that you learned so much from it. You saw you made a mistake, you grew from it, and you don't want to make the same mistake again. Obviously, you love your son very much and have every intention of growing and changing. These situations happen to the best of us, don't get down on yourself. It was a mistake and we ALL make so many mistakes. You are growing, changing, and becoming a better parent. Unfortunately, mistakes are part of the process. What you DO about those mistakes, is what really matters. You are doing the right thing! Keep your head up/!
Please don't hate yourself. Every Mom out there has screwed up. Every one of US! That you know you screwed up is a gift. The past is past and today is a new day. Find tools to help yourself. Have you tried the Love and Logic books? Do you give yourself breaks and get out of the house alone?
Forgive yourself, be thankful you are aware and try again. There will be the occasion you fail so do your best to forgive yourself.
Don't beat yourself up too much. I think it's happened to all of us, more than once. We're human after all. I know we're all a version of SuperWoman, but even super heroes have a bad day.
Why not plan a special night with just you and your guy. Even a picnic on the living room floor would be a blast for him. You can discuss with him that you know what it's like to get frustrated and cry (after all, that's exactly what you did) and that it's perfectly normal! Then explain to him that while it's ok to get frustrated, it's not ok to cry every time we do. We all want/need our feelings to be validated, even little kids. Set up a consequence for throwing tantrums (which is really what he's doing). Make sure he knows exactly what the consequence will be. In our house, it's alone time. My daughter is 3 and can pitch the worst fits! When she acts up like that, she has to go to a different room. When she calms down (which happens pretty quickly) she can come join the rest of us. If we're in public (like at a party) and she throws a fit, she goes to the car. Of course, one of us sits outside the car, I don't leave her in there alone and she's not strapped into her seat. It just gives her some time to calm herself. When the fit is over we talk about what's going on with her. I know people say that you can't reason with a child, but you can listen to them. What you can't do is try to have any type of conversation with them when they're upset.
The fact that you're worrying about how your son is feeling tells me that you are a GREAT mom! Hang in there!
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You are doing the best you can. My son at that age would have some bad days and it would seem like everything would just go downhill right from the morning through the whole day - like we all just got up on the wrong side of the bed and it was going to be a grumpy day no matter what we did. Kids just don't come with manuals for this kind of stuff and it's hard to figure out what to do. Some days when everyone had blown up (sometimes repeatedly), I'd just take him on my lap and we'd rock in the rocking chair for a long while till everyone was calm again, and then we'd both take a nap. Most the time we didn't even need to talk. Just rocking and snuggling would help to get us both on track again.
Don't hate yourself! Every day is an opportunity to change the things you don't like about yourself and start again. Your son will forgive you. He loves you unconditionally as you do him. Is there anything underlying the bad weekedn? Are you stressed out about something else - work, money,...? If it is something else then you need to direct your focus on the problem. Was this a one time occurrence or does it happen often. When my son is emotionally escalating, I tell him to use his words because mommy can't fix something unless I understand the problem. To get him clam enough to talk, we have to count down form 10. Counting works for me too when I am starting to feel out of control. There are lots of little behavior tricks you can try for you and your son and I am sure you can find something that works for the both of you.
Good Luck,
C.
I feel for both you and your little guy. What a rough time you had! My daughter is very much like your boy and unfortunately I've also yelled at her in the past for it. I did apologize and let her know I was going to try and find some ways to help us. I'll tell you what has worked for us and a few resources I've found useful.
When my daughter gets upset I calmly tell her to remove herself from the situation. She's MUCH better but every once in awhile regresses. She had one of these moments at her last Birthday (8) and I went back to what works. I calmly counted to 3, she didn't stop so I asked her to go to her room and only come back when she had stopped crying and ready to rejoin us but we wouldn't stop the party for her. We started the pinata without her and when she came back she jumped right back in and was fine. I didn't make a big deal about it and she didn't either, just came back composed. There was another Mom who couldn't believe that I sent her away, skipping her turn and not waiting for her, but it works for her. She's learning that life doesn't stop and change even if she's upset and that the faster she can compose herself the less she misses activity wise and drama wise ;-)
Here are the two top things that have helped us. "123 magic" by Thomas W. Phelan helped train ME to react calmly which inturn helps my daughter calm down. You may want to read summaries for the book "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine N. Aron to see if that fits.
All the best! I hope you are feeling better and know that some of our best work and learning comes after these rough moments.
This has happened to me with my daughter. You are not the only one! I'm pretty sure at some point, this happens to every Mom. My daughter will just whine for no reason and after she does this for awhile, I just lose it! I always feel bad the second I'm done yelling at her and I apologize right away. Then I turn to my husband and say I'm a bad mom...and he tells me what I'm telling you...it happens to everyone!!!
You aren't the only one who's done this. There are alot more on here who have done this than care to admit it. Your little man will be just fine. He does need to learn that he can't cry just to get his own way. That's one thing that gets under my skin real bad--a whiny, bawly child. He will be just fine. Just remember what you did and how you feel right now and this won't happen again. Please stop beating yourself up, take a deep breath, and have a wonderful rest of the day.
I strongly recommend this book for you!! It will really help you learn better ways to discipline as well as to calm down techniques as well. It has helped me tremendously! It also helps teaches way to connect as parents and build self esteem in the child.. maybe that will help with his crying struggle.
Dr. Sears Dicipline book
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...
"Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen
this book teaches about play therapy with your children to get them through tantrums... sounds really interesting, I can't wait to read it
http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-ebook/dp/B001LOEG...
You are so not the only one who has felt like this. I am a rather volatile person at times and sometimes my responses just zoom out of control. Rather inappropriate for an adult when dealing with a child, I know. My son is 14 now and I don't think my over the top responses have led to any permanent psychological damages.
I have, and do, apologize when I behave badly - yelling over little things, being "mean" - and he accepts my apology and will even call me on it sometimes now, since at 14 the playing field is a little more level.
Please know that yes, you are a mom, but you are also a person who gets frustrated and angry and sometimes has strong reactions to things. This is not wrong and does not make you a bad parent. It is frustrating to watch our children struggle with their reactions and let's face it, we all want our kids to be social and upbeat and not be the "weird" kid. So when they behave in ways that we do not perceive as positive it frustrates us. Just know that they are even more frustrated as they navigate through social situations and learn how to deal with disappointments. At 4 your son seems to be trying very hard to put his feelings into language - which is wonderful!
Next time he cries you do need to try to remain calm- when we get upset they get more upset. Try to teach him some calming techniques - taking deep calming breathes usually helps my son relax; gently rub his arms or back. If he is at a party take him to a quiet area away from the point of upset. Gently explain that he needs to calm down - please try not to tell him that crying is wrong - but you can tell him his reaction is not going to solve the problem nor will it get him what he wants. Its about teaching him better ways to react to a situation - and that gets easier for him as he gets older.
Just remember that his crying is, for right now, his way of expressing his disappointment over things because he has not developed the cognizant skills to think his disappointment through. At this age it is all "action and reaction".
Just like I used to send my son to "time out" I have sent myself to "time out". If I am particularly frustrated with my child I will tell him "Mommee needs to step away for a minute - I am going to my room to calm down. When I come back we will talk about {fill in the issue}". Yes, I still do this sometimes !!! Did last week in fact. Of course he is now, at 14 and sassy, able to tell me to go "time out". Which usually defuses the situation because I find it hilarious.
How is your little guy this morning? If he is upbeat and acting like his normal "little man" self I would not bring up the events of the weekend. Children have long memories, true, but they also bounce back much more quickly that we parents do.
Don't be too hard on yourself - it obvious from your post that you love your son. None of us are perfect. And you will get through get this.
~Peace
My daughter is five now, and she is/has been like this many, many times. Don't beat yourself up, it's frustrating, it really is, I know first hand. This won't damage him, don't worry. Here's something you can try that has worked wonders for us. I believe my daughter's meltdowns were because she couldn't/didn't know how to express herself as to what she was feeling and she'd start crying. So, what I started to do is to when she has a meltdown like that, I take her into another room, get down on her level and ask her what she is feeling. I found if she was frustrated - she'd cry, if she was angry - she'd cry, if she felt cheated - she'd cry - I found an emotions chart and we talked about all the different emotions and how it makes us feel and act. Now I can look at her and say what are you feeling - she'll say frustrated and I'll say what is making you feel frustrated and before you know it, we are talking (not yelling) and she's not crying anymore. Good luck.
L. - Think back to when you were four years old. How much of it do you remember? I only say this to help you put it in perspective. Everyone makes mistakes, its the way you handle them that makes the difference. Cut yourself some slack here.
I think you should just apologize to him (if you didn't already) and reassure him that you love him just the way he is. Some people have really strong emotions and its good for him to let them out. You can say that even Mommies have strong emotions, and you let them out the wrong way yesterday. Maybe you could look for some books about emotions and ways to handle them. It sounds like the two of you are pretty kindred spirits here...
Trust me... my 3 1/2 year old is so whiny and fussy about everything, ALL DAY LONG, that I'm about ready to jump off a bridge. I guess its just the age, but holy cow! I HOPE its just the age.
Don't be so hard on yourself. The fact that you feel bad about your actions shows that you're a good mom. We all have break down moments when we do things we regret, its part of parenting. That's when you apologize and move on. Your son will be fine, he learned you're human.
Next time he cries over something little take action. Don't talk, don't try to reason, just tell him that's not acceptable behavior and put him in time out until he stops. If you are at a party then warn him once, the second time take him home. Your son needs to learn self control. Now is the time. Don't show your anger/frustration just take action. He'll learn, but you'll have to be consistent. You must help him with this or he will have lots of problems in school. Teachers, other kids, other parents will not want to be around your son if he cries over not getting his way. You are right to change the behavior.
