Abbey: I am a parent advocate in Iowa and also a mom of five children. I have had to deal with whining alot and also I have taught parenting classes to young moms. I am including a handout that I give to parents. The website that I pulled the information from is a good one. I hope it is helpful.
Whining
Understanding your child, yourself, and the situation
Children do what works. If your child is whining, he or she is getting a response from you. Oddly enough, children seem to prefer punishment and anger to no response at all. Whining is usually based on the goal of seeking undue attention. This child believes, “I belong only if you pay constant attention to me—one way or another.” For some children, it is the only method they know to get their needs met. Other children go through a whiny time and it then disappears as quickly as it started. Some of the suggestions here may seem contradictory, depending on whether they address the belief or behavior. Choose the approach that feels best for you.
Suggestions:
1. Every time your child whines, take him/her on your lap and say, “I bet you need a big hug.” Do not say anything about the whining or what the child is whining about—just hug until you both feel better.
2. Let you child know that you love him/her but can’t stand the whining. Tell him/her that if he/she whines, you will leave the room. Say, “I’ll be happy when you stop whining so we can spend some time together.” Then, leave the room. If the child follows, go to the bathroom and lock the door. Turn on the radio if you need to drown out the noise (whining). It is more effective if you say nothing but just follow through with what you have said. Kind and firm actions speak louder and more effectively than words.
3. Address the problem your child is whining about by saying, “Let’s put that on the list to talk about later at a family meeting.” And then go on. Ignore the whining.
Planning ahead to prevent future problems
1. Plan for regular, scheduled special time with your child to help them feel special, important and that they belong.
2. During a happy time, work out a signal with your child about what you will do when you hear whining. Perhaps you will put your fingers in your ears and smile. Another possibility is to put your hand over your heart and pat it as a reminder that, “I love you.”
3. Tell your child what you are going to do: “When you whine, I will leave the room. Please let me know when you are will to talk in a respectful voice so I will enjoy speaking to you.” Another thing to try with a more mature child is, “It’s not that I don’t hear you. I just don’t want to have a discussion with you until you use your regular voice. I don’t hear whiny voices.”
4. Have regular family meetings so there is a specific time your family can discuss issues and your child knows it.
Life skills children can learn
Children can learn that their parent love them but will not fall for their manipulative tactics. Children feel better about themselves when they learn effective skills to deal with their needs and wants.
Excerpt from “Positive Discipline” website.