When to Tell Kids About Divorce and How to Do It

Definately wait. I would give it a good month after his birthday. You will be saving money with the extra time in one house, and you're right. doing it even right after Christmas or his birthday will link them in his head. Put him first and wait at least a full month.

Tell them now. I lived with my ex for four months after we "split up" and it was not very comfortable, and it was hard on the kids. They pick up on everything and understand a lot more than we give them credit for. We split when my daughters were 5 and 1 1/2.

Congrats on being honest enough with yourself and your family about the necessity of divorce. I'm certain you know what is best for you and your family. Not to mention I'm sure this wasn't an easy decission you entered into litely. No one else is in your shoes so ignore their comments. With that being said I would seriously put a little distance between the announcement and the holidays/your son's birthday. You don't want to take any chances that these paticular days are forever destroyed in their little brains.

I know I attach some bad events with certain holidays still to this day. My grand dad died when I was little on Thanksgiving and I still have a horrid feeling every year on Thanksgiving. I never actually enjoy it. So I know from first hand experience that they can attach memories even at 4 to a holiday.

With that being said I wish you and your family the best. I hope you all move forward with the great attitude you have so far. If so I'm sure everyone will come out of this barely worse for the wear.

There isn't a good time to do this. Your oldest son will always remember how and when you told him. Mackenzie's advice is sound, but if you decide to wait until late January, your oldest will look back years from now and realize you guys were faking it through the holidays and his birthday.

Kids pick up on sooo much and your oldest surely already knows that something is awry, as does your youngest, if even on a primitive level. My vote goes to telling them now.

As a woman, I think it would be incredibly painful to "fake" a Christmas and child's birthday with someone I was planning on divorcing. Could you handle that? I couldn't.

Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

I moved out in December two years ago when my daughter was 5. It was just time. There is always something next to "wait" until after. In my case it was "wait until I (husband) gets a job", "wait until our older daughter finishes college", "wait until after the holidays", and I decided I would explode if I waited any longer. If you aren't to that stage, you could wait until after Christmas, but your kids do already know something is happening.

Even though there had been issues in our marriage for years - we had been together for over 20 years - my ex and I cooperated during this separation period to make it easier on her. He helped me move, we have occasional family dinners and visits at his house and my apartment, we have some family time each week to go to a zoo or other activity. We have Christmas with present opening as a family. We still do all these things and intend to continue as long as it works for us. That doesn't mean we don't have times of disagreement and emotion.

There are many ways to do a separation and divorce and life after. You and your husband do get to choose how to be with and without each other. It sounds like you and your husband are making a mutual decision and can discuss options. Your kids will benefit from maintaining an adult relationship and open communication. You still have many years of co-parenting ahead of you.

I am sorry to hear you have decided to divorce. I would wait for a few weeks after your son's birthday. It sounds as if you are both looking out for your boys, which is wonderful. Have you seen the movie "The Story Of Us"? I highly reccomend that you watch that with your husband before telling the boys. It has a very powerful message. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Story_of_Us

Oprah had a great show awhile ago about divorce and kids and how to do it so that they don't end up as scarred adults. I looked up the show, and here are a couple of links:

http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/slideshow1_ss_re...

http://www.oprah.com/article/relationships/parenting/con_...

M. Gary Newman has a book about children and divorce "Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way". Even though you have a really little one, that one will be affected a lot too. Unfortunatley, they are smarter and more emotionally aware than we ever give them credit for. I'm sure that they already have some idea that something is brewing, even if they don't understand it.

I'm sorry to hear that your family is going through this, and I hope that you will all heal from it.

Key points he makes are that when you do tell them to ease the transition:

Rule 1: Tell the entire family at once. "Sit down together. We're still going to be together as a family, even at the moment of breaking up," he says.

Rule 2: You must convey the crucial messages in the first 45 seconds. "You say three things: 'Mom and Dad made each O. very sad and we think that it's best for the family that Mom and Dad live apart. You guys are going to spend plenty of time with both of us in our homes. And it is absolutely not your fault. You did nothing to cause this.'"

Rule 3: Both partners must practice the conversation together before talking to the kids.

*Chassidy

First of all I would like to say that this sounds reasonably amicable. I am glad to see that the kids are being put first. I would wait until afterward if there isn't the fighting and other stuff that could also hurt the children.
The children are fairly young and may not be able to grasp some of it yet. I would explain the mom and dad are not going to be living in the same house any more and are not going to be together.
Good luck.

I believe it depends how stressful things are in your house and what the reasons are for the divorce. If your husband is a good father and you guys aren't fighting in front of the kids then I would wait till the end of January so this isn't associated with the holidays, the first holidays after a divorce will be hard enough. But if things are tense with your husband there it may not make a difference to the kids, they pick up on a lot more then you think. Best wishes to your family as you go through this hard time!

My parents divorced when I was 4 1/2 yrs old. I don't remember them being together at all (I'm 30 now). I don't recall the talk they had with me--and my mom says they did talk to me. My father moved out, and has always remained a big part of my life. Both of my parents re-married by the time I was 7yrs old, and both of those people are still in my life w/ my parents. Neither replaced either of my parents, and we had our share of ups and downs, but overall it was an easy divorce on me.

Now I have seen friends parents wait WAY too long, and those kids are much worse off than I am.

So, with that being said, I think that your children will be fine because of their age. I would tell them when you feel comfortable, it will probably be much harder on you than them. If it is before X-Mas, I would still try to make X-Mas a "Family" affair, just so they know that daddy maybe moving out, but you will always truly be a family. Good luck!

I don't see any harm in waiting to tell your children until after your son's birthday.
Here is a link that I think is worth checking out for some more detailed advice on how to talk to your children: http://www.oprah.com/article/relationships/parenting/rel_...

The decision is yours, but when my x and I decided to divorce (he didn't want to and I couldn't stay another minute) I told the kids immediatly even though it was the begining of November and my daughters birthday is always the same week as Thanksgiving. I moved out, with the kids, the weekend after Thanksgiving. My daughter was 8 and my son 10 at the time.

Fast forward about 4 years, having always felt guilty for leaving during the middle of Holiday season and my daughter, completely out of the blue, tells me that she used to pray for us to get divorced. She doesn't remember what time of year it was, that the holidays were close or that her birthday was near....she only remembers the relief that she wouldn't have to listen to mom and dad fight anymore.

Both my kids, on seperate and unrelated occasions, told me that they used to pray that we would get divorced. They've also told me that things were more difficult than they thought they would be after we moved...(they had to make new friends, not having us in the same home)...they were still happier living with us individually than together.

Kids know way more than we give them credit for but don't have the skills to deal with divorce itself and will need quite a bit of guidance. In my state a 'children in the middle' class is required for divorcing parents...it helped me help my kids tremendously! I would advise that you take such a class or make it a part of your divorce agreement that both parents will have to take it...if it isn't required in your state. The class goes through the ages and stages of kids and what to expect, what to look for as signs that they are having trouble adjusting. With this knowledge in hand, I was able to help my kids, and continue to help my kids...deal with mom and dad not being together anymore and the problems that inevitably come up. Good luck to ya hun, you have a hard road ahead of you, but with the right attitude (kids first) and armed with some skill and knowledge...your family will survive no matter when you choose to tell them. (My kids are now 14 and 17 and doing great!) Hugs...

I am sorry that you are going through a hard time. This cannot be easy on anyone involved. I am not sure if there is a "best" time to tell the kids - because like others have said, kids pick up on everything. I truly believe that two people should not stay together for the kids. Your kids will appreciate your honesty and will be much happier if you and your soon-to-be ex are happy. There is nothing worse then living in a household where your parents clearly do not want to be together. I wish you all the best of luck!! Please do not let others make you feel bad for your decision; no one knows what it is like to be in your shoes but you.

It sounds pretty amicable, I would try to wait until a week or so after your son's birthday. You are so close to the holidays and you never know how the kids will take it. By the time the holidays come around next year, they will be used to the arrangements and it won't be fresh enough to dampen the holidays/birthday. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Can I be frank and a little bit spiritual with you? It breaks my heart to hear when people are getting divorced, especially when they have children together. I came from a split family. My mom has been divorced twice. I very much disliked it, it was hard on me and my sister and now my sister barely talks to my dad. She was 2 when they got divorced and didn't ever get to know him. Children need a mother and a father and not just on weekends. You said you and your husband could live together reasonably for awhile, could you possibly take some counseling for the kids sake. My mom didn't even try. I hope that the two of you atleast try. You agreed to love, honor and cherish eachother for the rest of your lives did you not? My husband and I have a great marriage but we also work on it. Who said marriage was suppose to be easy. I don't know your story but anything worth having takes work! Too many people are getting divorced these days why even get married? Why bring children into our society of violence and selfishness unless you want to make a difference. This is not what God intended for us. These are some of the books my husband and I have read that give us insight on eachother and spiritual knowledge that maybe we wouldn't have thought about asking or understand why the other person is the way they are. Personality Plus, The five love languages, Every Mans Battle, Bringing out the best in people, How Faith Works and I haven't read it yet but the next one I plan to read is Love and Respect. I know that most people could care less about reading after they get out of school, but there is no school to teach you how to have a marriage, everyone is different. It is your responsibility to figure it out. I hope that you and your husband can pray together about your situation. I will pray for your family.
God Bless
S.

Dear L., I have no experience with your situation but after reading one post I HAD to respond to you. It's no ones place on here to try to talk you down from a divorce. The implication that you are selfish or too unwilling to try is downright insulting.
I am a Christian and I KNOW that reading slews of Christian books will NOT help your marriage. I am sorry that you had to deal with judgemental responses.
I admire you for caring so deeply for your sons to make sure they have no lasting stigmas about the holidays. I pray that you will know when to tell them.

If you can tolerate each other until after the birthday, I would try to do that as the child could always relate his birthday to when his dad left the house.

I would strongly suggest that you agree to tell the children together! My husband and I had not set a time and he ended up telling my daughters after I went to church one Sunday. They were ten and eleven. I am absolutely sure that he painted me as the "bad guy" and that he didn't want to leave them, but I was making him leave anyway. I am sure of this because my one daughter in particular was very angry with me, and not my husband, and became very cold towards me until after college and we were able to grow closer again. That was very painful to me as I could not share with her all of the awful things her dad had done. She turned to him for everything and shut me out of her life to a degree.

He had been physically abusive to my other daughter, who had also discovered that he had relationships with other women and had given me Herpes II as a result of that. So my oldest daughter understood that I had good reason to kick him out of the house.

In short, they need to hear it from both of you together, at the same time, so you can be sure of what they are told.
Good luck. It's going to be a hard road, but the kids make it worth you.

Last piece of advice, take care of yourself and don't be a martyr. Do things with your friends and family and get out of the house!

I totally agree with Mackenzie. Well said. I'm sorry you and your family have to deal with this and, even though it sounds weird in this situation, wish you all the best- as much as possible anyway.

Hi,
Sorry and congratulations on your decision to divorce. Never an easy one, but necessary I'm sure. As a cild of parents that waited way too long to divorce (years!), I would say tell them now. They probably already know something is up. I would also pray that my parents would divorce for years before it happened. If you and your husband are perfectly friendly and haven't ever shown any sign of problem to the kids then maybe wait, but if it will be weird to live together then they will know something is weird. Also, if you have a 'great' Xmas and Bday, and then break the news after that, it might seem like it came out of the blue instead of a natural consequence when a relationship doesn't work anymore
Best of luck in your new life!

If you plan to follow through, then wait at least a month after the birthday. My husbands mom told him right before Christmas and he still talks about how selfish that was of her. Thanks for thinking of the kids first.

Don't know your reason for divorce, but I do believe marriage is a commitment not to be taken lightly. It is a vow before God. This will change the path of your children forever. However, I don't believe sticking with something that is not workable either. For your family's sake, re-evaluate and make certain this is the path you want to take. If by chance you would want to try to improve your marriage, then I would recommend attending a Family Life Marriage conference. If you've already given up, then I don't mean to pursuade you. At least rent the new movie about a failing marriage starring Kirk Cameron called "The Love Dare." Your final decision is worth renting a movie first.

Try to enjoy Christmas, your children will be very perceptive and may pick up on something. After all, we are celebrating God's gift to us, Jesus.