When to Give up on Your Parents

What a shame that is that your dad is doing this. Life is way too short to behave this way. He is missing out on so much. Unfortunately if this is how he has been all of your life pretty much, I don't think much will change. You could try talking to him but I don't know what good that would do but then again, it could. At least you can get out what you feel. In the meantime, I would put up some boundaries between you and your father. Accept him for the way he is and don't expect what he is obviously unable to give. However, I would continue to reach out to the kids. Maybe try to do things just with your siblings to keep the relationship open with them. They do need you in their lives. Again, sorry that you are experiencing this with your father.

Yipes, that's tough. I would say yes, let go as much as you can. I think you should still have a relationship with your brother and sister and let them come to your house or pick them up to do things and then drop them back off. I think you should tell your dad in no uncertain terms that you will not be cleaning his house nor paying his bills, etc. any more. If he wants to have a relationship with you he will have to act cordial and respectful and friendly. If he puts in the effort, don't write him off, but tread carefully and don't expect too much. My dad was an alcholic and b/c of that life he chose our relationship sounded a lot like yours. I did a lot for him and he was constantly ungrateful and demeaning towards me. One day I had to walk away. It was the most horrible feeling I had and probably the hardest thing I've had to do but I had to take care of me and my kids and my husband. My story is a little more complicated but in the end, the message in the same, you have to take care of yourself and you can't go on feeling crappy so do what you have to do just make sure you can live with yourself.

Give up. You've done way more than you should have. It's sad, but some of my very closest friends had horrid parents and have no contact at all now and they have happy productive lives surrounded by people who do value them. They treat their own kids like gold and are loved. Don't give him any more of your time. Be thankful you turned out to be a capable and caring, loving person. Focus on the good people in your life!

Hi,

Wow, so sorry to hear of your family situation. I completely understand. My dad is like yours. They sound soooo much alike! As far as giving up, I wouldn't put very much energy into a relationship with your dad. He has shown you he isn't interested or capable of being in a healthy relationship. I would be courteous and civil, but thats it. He will need to step it up on his own and apologize for his behavior. The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and rid yourself of toxic people-including your dad.

M

what a sad situation. if you can, i'd keep it in neutral. don't put your back out trying to twist into different postures to please him, but don't shut him out either. he sounds like a very difficult person, but even coming to your house and then leaving the gift card sounds as if he may be trying in his own dysfunctional way to make an effort. still doesn't mean you need to do handstands to make nice, but maybe that really is the best he can do.
huge kudos to you for keeping the lines of communication open with your siblings.
but you should probably quit working so hard with your dad.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

Do you remind him of your mom?

I don't think you should give up. I think you and he and no one else need to sit down and have an honest conversation with each other. It sounds like there are still hurt feelings there. You said he used his wife to communicate with you. Maybe he doesn't know how to comunnicate with you. Was he always like this? Maybe he was, but you didn't notice since she was there. He may still be grieving for his wife.
When I decided to get married/got married my dad (who has been involved in my enitre life) quit talking to me. He told everyone I didn't exist. I had made some decisions he didn't agree with. They weren't bad just ones he didn't like (for instance who I married). My mom died a little over a year after we were married. I have 2 brothers who at the time were 8 and 11. My husband and I both were there. My dad appriciated that and we talked a little. A few months after that I called my dad and told him I was pregnant. He told me I was ruining my life. Since then we have talked more but our relationship is still a bit rough. Neither of us goes out of our way for the other.
I would think the fact that he got you anything at all means he cares. Maybe he just doesn't know how to show it. Maybe he does have guilt for your early years. I wouldn't cut him off. If you want to have access to your siblings you need to keep things decent between the two of you. I'm not saying go out of your way to do things or clean his house or things like that, just decent because he controls access to your siblings. Good Luck! I've been there. Have a heart to heart just the two of you. At least it should help you know where he stands and what your next step(s) should be.

Your dad sounds like my dad re-incarnated!! Is he a substance abuser by any chance?
He is an emotional abuser. You can't please him because he sees women as deficient or sub-human. So quit trying so hard. There is every possibility he's bi-polar and self medicating with alcohol or drugs. Until he is ready for help you can't help him.
The biggest issue here is your younger brother and sister. They need you and you can help them. Try to spend time with them at least once a week. Bring them to your home and hopefully have them spend the night. If he won't agree with that, talk to a family law attorney see if you can get visitation with your younger siblings. This may have to be court ordered. It sounds like your hubby is a loving and generous man with enough love to share with your siblings. These children need a loving supportive relationship so they don't suffer the same feelings of not being good enough as you do.
Once your siblings reach 18 you can write off your dad. You do not need to see him or have any contact with him if his behavior doesn't change. Until then hang in there for the sake of your brother and sister.
I know this is very difficult because you want your dad to love you and accept you just as you are. You need to understand this is his problem not yours. You are just find the way you are.

My first thought was that you must remind him of his recent loss which is also what another responder said. I also agree with the fact that this is a man's way of dealing with loss. I would not give up on him yet. Give plenty of time for him to understand your views and pray about it. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Don't give up. It sounds to me like you both love each other but you're both insecure with the relationship. Maybe he has guilt about your early years and/ or the period of time you had to take care of him and your siblings. If he fathered you while in high school, he's not that much older than you really and life has created circumstances where you're mothering him more than he's parented you. (Example, your offer to clean his house again could actually be something that makes him uncomfortable, could remind him or make him feel like he's not a competent dad.) Is there any possibility that the two of you could go to lunch alone and talk? And maybe have a once a month together time with him? His comment when you told him you were pregnant was Totally Ignorant but maybe he was trying to assert dad-hood or something. If you feel in your heart that you want the relationship, don't try to do more for him, just try talking to him. Good luck.

I'm finding a similar situation with my own father after my mom passed a few years ago. He really doesn't want anything to do with us unless we force the issue. I'm not sure why, either, because I'm his oldest child and my children are his oldest grandchildren. It may just be a man's way of dealing with loss? I wouldn't exactly give up on him just yet; I haven't on mine.

It makes me sad to read this. I wouldn't close the door on him, but I would stop trying. Put your effort into having relationships with your siblings, and deal with him in a friendly but guarded manor. I would not offer to clean or do anything else for him. You have your own household to tend. If he asks for your help, then maybe. It is such a disappointment to realize your father will never be the person you dreamed he was as a child. Or even close. I love mine dearly, but I had to stop chasing that rainbow long ago. I let him make the effort, and we see eachother every couple months. He lives 10 minutes away and works part time in the evenings. I stay at home. In the summers he doesn't work at all. I won't close the door, but I quit living in a fantasy that anything I did would make him interested in being a regular part of our lives. He always has his reasons for long absences, but in the end, people do what's important to them. They don't bother with what isn't.