When Other Kids Are Mean...

I know it sounds like they're being "mean", but unfortunately this is reality and this is the way kids are. Acknowledging her "pain and sadness" is good, but....you need to follow it up with the conversation of...this is how kids are and we need to learn how to deal with it. And continue to teach her ways to stick up for herself or learn to walk away and look at the kids and say "oh well, I don't want to play with that anyway." That invariably will get the kids attention, if she just acts like it's not bothering her. One of the main reasons kids will be "mean" to another is because they see the response it gets from them, well if she either stands up to them or has an "I don't care" attitude, they'll give it up..

It sounds like she is really going through it. These kids are being a little bit mean, but with dad gone her emotions are probably already stretched too tight to cope with it like she has before.

There is so much right now worrying her that she has absolutely no control over. I think the best thing that you can do is empower her. By teaching her how to deal with these people, she will be actively controling her responses and what happens to her and she won't feel so helpless.

Teach her how to look at the little girl and politely ask for the puzzle pieces back. Then if the little girl won't give them back teach her that it is ok to say, "You can finish the puzzle. I am going to go play with friends who share," and walk away. The same go for the boys who tease. "I am going to go hang out with people who don't say mean things."

She won't be just sitting there feeling badly because of someone else's behavior. She will be standing up for herself and walking away. It isn't about whether they will play with her, it is about whether or not she will LET them play with her.

It will empower her, give her a sense of control, and teach her how to value herself.

Tell your ex-husband thank you for his service. I am proud that I live in a country where so many people are willing to give up their personal freedoms so that my own are protected.

L.

I've taught my daughters about how to respond when another attemptes to bully them. They go after the kids who look DOWN when teased--those who look them straight in the eye with confidence in themselves will be left alone. It has already worked! A girl attempted it (running into her at a waterpark) and my daughter looked right at her and said sternly "back off!" and she left immediately. This girl was also attempting to bully her little sister and she stopped altogether with a confident approach/response. The kids are looking for a weak, scared kid to pick on. Once they realize your kid is not this way, it's no fun to pick on them...

It sounds like she's a good kid and she doesn't know how to stand up for herself. Teach her ways to deal with stress because these are the things she'll be dealing with her entire life. People don't stop being mean just because you're an adult.

She needs to verbalize her feelings and tell them how those hurtful things make her feel, how she views them, etc. Help her find some key phrases as come-backs. Not means things... just things that help to put others in their place and show them she will not let others stomp on her.

Kids that say boys can do things better... tell them to "Grow Up, There's no such thing as boys doing things better than girls or vice versa." Then she can walk away.

When someone takes something she is playing with, she needs to tell them to give it back and take it back. Tell her to stand up from the table or floor, tell the child to give back the item, and make a move to take it. She needs to tell the child they are being "selfish and rude by taking her toy" or project. If the child is hanging on tight, she needs let it go and tell an adult that is supervising the class.

She needs to learn to stand up for herself to boys and girls and adults if needed. No child or person should feel like another can call them names, take things from them, or make them feel bad. Even if we cannot control or change the circumstances, the very least we should do is vocalize how those actions make us feel and describe how the person is acting is "rude, disrespectful, selfish, being a bully, they are wrong", etc.

There are times as parents we need to step in and talk to supervising adults and other times we need to teach our children how to diplomatically handle situations. If the child is pushed around in their youth, then those things will continue to happen in adulthood. We learn our socialization skills in our youth, so it's important to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict without namecalling, pushing, fighting, etc.

She needs specific examples from you on how to handle those times when she feels like kids are being mean to her. She's not used to it, so it probably catches her off guard. When my kids started preschool, we role played. I sat them down and pretended I was a "mean kid". I would do things like take toys from them and say things that are typical like "you're not my friend!" Then, I taught them how to handle themselves when these things happened. It worked pretty well. I am actually sitting here thinking "It's time to do that again before school starts...." to refresh their memory. If you explain to her that kids ALWAYS get over being mad or mean to her, as long as you don't react to it, then she will remember that when she's in the middle of a childish fight. Teasing is another story. We haven't gotten to that one yet. With us, one going into preschool, and another into 1st grade, we've mainly dealt with kids taking toys away. I wouldn't just say "I know, kids are mean" because this will only make her feel like there's nothing she can do about it. Back when we were kids, I would've said for my kids to stand up for themselves when someone's shouting teases at them. Nowadays though, I would tell them to tell a teacher,atleast in their younger years. So many schools now have zero tolerance for bullying, and the disciplinary actions will hopefully take care of the problem. Since she's in a summer program, is it totally necessary that she go? If kids are treating her badly, I'd take her out.

I had a similar problem. My son was tortured by a bully on the school bus a couple of years ago. I didn't know about it until he suffered an enlarges spleen. I would say, from experience, that this problem definately needs to be addressed. My son went through some religious counseling though I think it helped very little. We did sign him up for karate and I think it has helped a lot. Not so much for the aspect of fighting but for the self confidence and such. Kids are less likely to pick on a child that they know can defend themselves and the way they show that is through confidence! My son has done so well in karate. He is learning all about self discipline, self control, perserverance, and obtaining his goals through hard work. His school grades have come up, he seems to do better in social situations, and just seems happier all the way around. The benefits far outweigh any cons that one might think of. The name of our karate school here is okinawan school of karate. The instructor is Mike Webb. Here is his info if you would like to contact him for classes, info on karate classes, or any referral info he might have for your area. ____@____.com or the website karatebenefits.com
Best of luck to you, your daughter, and your ex husband. I think he is very brave and I'm proud of him! Thank you to him. Thank you to your daughter for giving up time with daddy so that he might protect us. And thank you to you for picking up the pieces and keeping things rolling at home so that he can do his work. God Bless, Shannon G.

Hi,
My son was around a lot of "mean kids" when he was younger and to this day still gets picked on ever once in a while. I don't know what the best thing to do is I can only tell you what I have done. Whenever he has brought it up, I always tell him how beautiful he is and how much I love him and his family loves him. As he got older I tried to explain how some people can be cruel and unhappy or maybe they had real problems at home and that he should feel lucky that he had sooo many people that loved him and this always seemed to help. Now we are very close and we talk about everything. I hope that you can find something that works for you because I know how agonizing this can be. Good luck.

Why does her daddy have to be a soldier??? Let's point out to her how brave and wonderful he is!!! This isn't unfair, this is something for her to take pride in. He is defending the right to be free and live the lives we are living. He is defending our country and our rights. Tell her daily what a brave and wonderful thing he is doing.

I am sure there are things she can do better than the boys can. Have her ask if them if they can "change a doll diaper better" than she can. Color a picture as well as she can, etc. There are things girls do better than boys do. Have her tell them she can and show them if she needs to. I don't care what it is, set a table, balance on one foot and hop across the driveway, braid some strings to make a rope or a bracelet, tie her shoes quicker, whatever it is.

As for mean children, I finally got my grandson out of it by the following process and this is just a few examples:
"You are fat and ugly", "Okay, then don't look at me. I can lose the weight. At least I don't say ugly things like you do to make someone feel bad," and he walks away whistling or humming.
"You are stupid," "I can learn," and he walks away.
Taking away toys etc., "Okay, so you don't want to play with me anymore and that's all right, I don't want to play with you either," and go get a different puzzle, toy, whatever.

Children are mean to each other, and frankly the children of today are much meaner than they were when I was growing up. I don't know why. I guess because we weren't taught winning was everything, team work got things done quicker and better, and material possessions weren't as important. Watching your friend win was almost as good as winning yourself back then.

Tell her from me I think she is a wonderful person and has a beautiful heart. I am proud of her daddy and the sacrific he is making to keep me, my daughter, and my grandson safe and free. Tell him if he ever sees my son Sean over there to let him know we love and miss him too. If he sees Nathan over there to let him know Aunt P. is missing him almost as much as his mother and his four children are.

I will pray for you and your daughter.