Bullying...To Hit Back or Not

I truely feel for you in this situation.The schools are absolutely NO help when this problem occurs.To them it is a he said she said situation,when in fact IF they paid a little attention,they would SEE what is going on.But as with many situations nowadays,it is just easier to look away.I've been through the same problem at one time or another with each of my boys and I've done the same thing you have,HOWEVER now that I look back,this may be why my oldest has so much built up anger and will just 'go off' when he feels he's placed in this situation now(he's 19 and in the real world now,so this is NOT a good thing).
Okay,now I'm gonna say something that no-one will agree with,there are 2 weeks left of school,right,when THAT boy touches him(he must touch FIRST) tell your son to knock the 'poop' out of him!!!Now when this happens,you MUST be prepared,because I BET you,some one will intervene and your son WILL BE the to get in trouble,why ,I don't know...it just seems to be the way it happens,you try to teach your child the right thing...but then when he gets to school it seems if all that goes out the window,'cause no-one to 'back'it up.(again another rant for later)
I guess I'm just saying,there's not that much time left in the year and if he's/you are gonna let him do something,DO IT NOW.
Good Luck and Hope this helps,R.

Dear Kristen,

My response may not be PC, but I think your son needs to clock the guy once and for all. It may be all that is needed to let the bully and others know that he is not a punching bag for their amusement. Bullies know how to work the system and get away with countless intolerable behaviors towards their peers; peers who are trying to do the right thing by not fighting. Your son may suffer some repercussions from the school, but so what? The issue is much bigger than the misdirected discipline they may hand out. The school administrators are not doing their job and seldom do when it comes to bullies. I don't condone violence as a rule, but for your son's mental health and self-esteem, the bullying must be dealt with sooner than later. Kids who grow up tormented like this carry it in to their later years. A teens mental health is a precarious thing and it needs to be protected by those who love him. My fiance was always the smallest guy in his class and suffered the typical taunting, teasing and bullying that a short guy often does until the day (early on) he stood up for himself and decked the bully. People didn't mess with him after that. It seems to be a sort of respect thing for the testosterone laden beings that boys are. Defending yourself is OK in our home.

Best of luck to you, your son and your family.
T.

Hi K.,
Oh can I feel for you. My husband was military for 10 years so my oldest daughter who is 13 has gone to MANY school and lived in many states. When we moved to Baltimore the kids were a little rougher and meaner than she was used to and she had a hard time adjusting and did not stand up for herself. I have been going round and round with the school district and I at one point told her vice-principal that I would not punish her at home for standing up for herself but I was told that if she is to hit someone even if she doesn't hit first she will be suspended. We have raised her that she is never to tease, bully, or hit anyone first but she CAN defend herself if someone puts their hands on her. She never would physically do anything and of course these kids would do it more cuz it was someone to pick on. Last year we put her in private school which socially has been great for her but this year there was one girl who constantly messed with her, embarrassed her, etc. My daughter is in 8th grade and this girl was in high school. The girl had been warned by her principal to leave my daughter alone and it continued. About a month ago the girl started with her, screaming at her and saying what are you gonna do when I hit you. My daughter said "don't touch me" Well, the girl pushed her and my daughter hit her once in the nose made her bleed and the girl went running off. FINALLY my daughter stuck up for herself. Because of the past history between them, the H.S. girl got suspended and if she does anything again will be expelled from school and not allowed back at this private school. My daughter did not face any discipline, this girl has now apologized to my daughter and actually invited her to her b-day party...lol. So, in my opinion, kids have to stand up for themselves or the bullying will continue. But when I told my daughter she could defend herself I was willing to take the consequences from the school if there were any. I would definitely make sure there was a trail that you have tried to take care of it through the school and that nothing was done so when your son does stand up for himself you have something to fall back on. I have told the schools that she's been in, that a kid can only take so much, how much self control do they expect your son to show when they don't expect this other child to show any. Good luck with this and as bad as it may sound, one good punch and this kid will probably move onto someone else who isn't going to stand up for themself.

There isn't anything that I can add that hasn't been said... and perfectly so. I just want to thank the mom's who have responded... your thoughts have brought tears to my eyes... knowing that my husband and I are not the only ones who advocate defending yourself.

Like one of the other mom's, I am monitoring the progress in the public school system and will evaluate each year whether my kids will stay there or if I will homeschool or send them to a private academy... Each school is different in the way they handle things... I wish you a peaceful summer... and a fresh start to 5th grade. (hugs)

Hello ~ I have 4 boys and we have taught them that there is no hitting UNLESS it is to defend yourself or one of your brothers!!!! It sounds like at this point your son needs to defend himself. We have told them that THEY are probably going to be the ones to get in trouble, NOT the other person, and that as long as they were defending and not starting it then we would completely back them up! At your sons age he knows the difference between hitting to hit or DEFENDING, so I wouldn't worry about this becoming an issue. Hope everything works out! PRAYERS and THANK YOU TO YOUR HUSBAND, YOU AND YOUR FAMILY FOR YOUR SERVICE!!! J.

My son also had to deal with bullying, so we signed him up for karate. Not to learn how to physically fight back, but the karate studio he attends also instructs the elementary age kids about how to "bully-proof" themselves with words, etc.and take physical action. Also he has gained alot of self-confidence with his karate training which helps him to not look like a victim. Bullies will pick on kids who outwardly appear lacking in self-confidence, because they know they can easily intimidate them.

As far as your school, you need to go to school levels above the principal in your district- all the way up if needed. They should not tolerate this behavior.

K.,

I really wanted you to know that I think you are being the very best mother that you can be in this situation and I only hope I have the character to help my son through that kind of trial someday ( he is also very big for his age.) The only thing I can think of to try is talking directly to the parents of the child with both children present. If it were my son that was the bully I would hope someone would clue me in so I could let him know that it wasn't right. They need to address why there child is doing it. I really believe in karma and do unto others and I know someday your son will be glad he took the high road. I know this wan't much help but maybe a boost you needed to keep on.

K....
What a tough situation for you and your son to be in. Due to the school's obviously lack of concern for your son's physical and emotional well-being, I'd take this above their heads. Call and set up an appt with the district, anyone and everyone who will listen. At this point, it's not about this other child, it's about the school's lack of intervention.

Best of luck!
S.

www.sandigrass.myarbonne.com

Hello K.! I am so sorry your son is having to deal with that. Unfortunately your school has not adopted the programs regarding bullying that some have. My childrens school does not tolerate bullying. Children can anonomously (sp?) report a child and the school is required to follow up and counsel the child accused of bullying. The children attend life skills classes once a week on how to get along even if you don't like someone and how to settle an argument without fighting.

However....on that note....sometimes....fights still happen. I am also a proud military wife...Air Force though. My husband and I both do not condone starting a fight. However, both of our oldest children who are school age know that if someone hits them first, they have our permission to hit them back. They know they may get in trouble at school because of the rules in place (doesn't matter who started it...all parties get in trouble). However, if they were defending themselves, they will NOT be in trouble at home.

When children don't defend themselves against a bully, it just gives the bully more ammunition for the future. Many times, it won't even come to violence. Just voicing that you are willing to fight will often dispell a bullies taunting. (Doesn't sound like that will work here though!) But, since the school is unwilling or incapable of dealing with it, I would say to give your son permission to FIGHT BACK. Not to start it....but to end it.

I hope everything works out for you. Best of luck!

T.

Wow. This school is really, really not getting the message, is it? I'm walking out the door right now for my daughter's kindergarten graduation but I wanted to tell you there's a book I am reading at the moment, "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons--obviously, it's about girls, but there's some stuff in the back about how to deal with bullies that may be of use. There's also some resources listed in the back--websites and stuff, and other books. They may be of help.

As for me, man, I think I'd go the Tony Soprano route. But seriously: what if you were to sit down with your son and make a list of all the incidents he can remember from the school year--places, dates if possible, etc., and present this to the administration. And then say, "Since we can't get you to do anything, I'm just letting you know: the next time this kid gets on my son, he has my permission to lay him flat." And see what they do. If nothing else, when your son gets in trouble for decking this kid, you'll have your legal defense all ready.

Do not let your child be someone elses punching bag! If this kid puts his hands on your boy again give him permission to lay him out. Unfortunately the only way to stop a bully is to stand up to him. I am going through basically the same thing right now with my first grader and am ready to go strangle the administration at his school. I also went through it with my now middle schooler his bully threw a punch and my son (he's in karate) just used blocks and made the bully look like a fool he(my son) didnt get in trouble with the school amazingly. I am not a advocate for violence but please let your son defend himself for his own sake.He is old enough to know the difference between starting it and defending himself. From what you described he is already suffering too much in the self esteem area because of this little jerk let him have some power back and give him the right to take up for himself.
Good Luck,
Jess

my son is handicap , he been bullie for two years , it was the teacher and the children doing that to my son, i had to get him cancelor help. the school won't do anything so i wrote to my senator and the school new principal finally did sonmething. she just came in this week, but i always told my child not to hit back either just pray for them, but sometime that doesn't work, so i told me son if he can't walk aways then protect his self. the teacher won't do anything to protect my son who is in the wheelchair, my son is in fourth grade., but it took for me to write to the sentor to let the school know that i wasn't playing anymore and the kids wasn't going to hit my son . so know they became friends with my son and i still have to watch to make sure they don't hurt him. but all and all everything is ok know.but i wish you luck, but this bulling goes on all the time in the schools and i think they school need to do something about this matter, or we should get something together to help kids are going thorugh this. see ya edie

There have only been a couple of instances that I have had my daughter defend herself but you can only let them take so much before it starts making them feel bad about themselves. I have also emphasized that it is not something she can do to just anyone but that she can't keep letting that same person pick on her over and over. Kids today are just too mean sometimes especially to the bigger kids. My daughter is going to be 6 in July and is the size of your average 8 year old!!!!