When Ex's Remarry and the Things That You Have to Deal With!!!

What a way to trick his own daughter! That stinks.
Some parents dont understand the enormous guilt it puts on a kid to give them a choice.
I would remove that option by having a visitation schedule and sticking to it. Decisions should be made between you and dad and daughter left out of the process. It's too much guilt for the sweet girl. I know you get that, but he doesn't. The only thing that will help is doing things officially, by the book.

Dad lying to get daughter to spend time with her stepmom isn't going to help anyone bond.

I don't understand--she bonds better with the new wife if she is expecting to spend time with her father and he ends up leaving her alone with the new wife on a special occasion? I would think that she would feel more betrayed.

The lying is a NO for me.

I think you need to talk to him about having a firm fixed schedule and no changes and he shouldn't discuss schedule with her first but with you. If he wants the time for his family, then he should be upfront and honest about it. His behavior puts both you and your daughter in a bad position.

Somewhere around 11 both sks started to see more of the reality of their situation and made some interesting observations. I think that, without bashing him, you can say, "I understand that your dad was not honest with you and that you feel guilty if you would rather do something else. I would like to work with you to make these transitions easier on you." or something.

If you know he lied about being off, then I think she deserved to know that upfront. That's also no way to get her to bond with her stepmother - by lying about spending time with her. He shouldn't sell his child an incorrect bill of goods. That will only backfire for everybody.

Personally, I really hate split Christmas, even if I understand it. It is so much nicer on Thanksgiving when the kids are either here or they aren't and everyone can relax. Maybe it's time to put schedules in writing and stick to it.

Coming from someone whose EX has remarried 4 more times after we divorced. Our daughter is now 20 years old and has gone through a lot because of her father. He has never put her first, it's always about him. She has come to realize how he is and has learned to stop expecting anything more. But that comes with time unfortunately. The only thing you can do is be there for her and provide the stability that she needs. There is no need to bad mouth your ex because she will eventually see for herself. She'll realize who was honest with her and who was there for her and who wasn't. She is at the age of wanting to always please her parents. Afraid that if she doesn't do that, then whatever happens, it's her fault. Kids internalize everything. What I have always told our daughter is that her dad does love her but he's not capable of loving her in the way she needs him to. I can't tell you how many times she has told me that her stepdad is more of a real father to her than her bio dad is. She is fortunate in that regard but she still craves for her father's love. That will never go away. My heart broke multiple times for our daughter because of his behavior but all I could do is be there for her, listen to her and offer a hug. It's frustrating as all get out and it's completely unfair but unfortunately some people have it in them to be a wonderful parent and some don't. You can't control him but you can provide the stability that she needs. In the long run, he is only hurting his relationship with his daughter. He will never have a meaningful relationship with her if he continues on this path. Good luck.

Christina is so right. The lying would really get to me. I think that you should tell him next year when he lies again that he and his honey are invited to your house where they can bond together with your daughter. Then he will fess up that he is really working, and you will tell him that when he is OFF WORK, like on the weekend, THEN she can go over there. It is ridiculous that she spend part of her Christmas with her new stepmother by herself, without him there.

Instead of putting guilt onto her, YOU make the decisions and that way you can be the bad guy.

I can see why you two aren't married anymore - ugh!

Dawn

I have a big issue with the lying. This is all about what he wanted. He didn't even think about how this would affect his daughter. Personally, you should have stepped in and told him that lying to get what he wanted was not going to work and that DD needed to be home at the time you had previously discussed. If you reward that type of behaviour it will continue. What a jerk!

Wow, sneaky guy. If you have a mind to I would get holidays put into your custody agreement for situations just like this. And don't ever let these things be "up to the kids." That's a major reason for custody agreements through the courts.

He should have been open and honest with you about why he wanted your daughter for some extra time ie. to spend some time with his new wife. That's pretty admirable, or it would have been, had the two of them approached you prior to the holiday and discussed it with you apart from the children.

The relationship between a parent and child is not up to the child to maintain. It's not up to the child to "not hurt" the parents' feelings. It's up to the PARENT. That's why they're the parents. I really think that if you're on good terms with your daughter's father, you should have a heart to hear with him and his wife. If you can get on good terms with his new wife then perhaps you can get her to help keep him in line and be more considerate of the kids.

My biggest concern about this is that he was sneaky and lied about it. Once your daughter was there and he had to leave for work, his lie was obvious. I would let him know that going forward, last minute changes to holiday schedules like this is not acceptable.

She is 11 and will handle this herself soon. Until then, my thoughts are as long as she is safe with her dad, & it doesn't interrupt school, let her go.

Your ex needs to understand that lies like that can and will undermine his relationship with his daughter. I have guardianship of my granddaughter and as much as her mom wants her to stay with her over the xmas school vacation, she doesn't want to go because she wants to stay home and play with her xmas stuff. So, her mom just has to understand and suck it up. It's not about dad or the new wife - it's about your daughter. He also needs to understand that her not wanting to stay was nothing personal, she wanted to play with her toys. It's hard not to take things like that personally, but as adults it's our job to suck it up. So, if I were you, I would call her and see if she wants to stay or come home. If she wants to come home, I'd go get her. Both you and she were under the impression she was going to spend time with dad. Now that she knows that's not the case, she should be given an opportunity to revisit her choice and make a decision based on what's really going on.

I do understand his desire to have her bond with his new wife, and I think that is very important, since she will be another mother to her, but he should have chosen a different day for this.

The toys will still be there when she gets home, ya know? You have to ask yourself is this fight worth playing with toys? You already agreed to him having her for a couple of days, should it really matter if he has to work for a small part of it?

I know it is hard, packing up the toys for when she gets back. My younger two are at their dads until New Years eve. What is the worst that will happen? Your daughter may find a new friend in his new wife.

never say anything negative about your ex....trust me ...she will learn in the long run...