I am the eldest of four and have two sisters. One sister in particular, seems to always have drama with me. I am aware of a previous drug problem and having been estranged for the past year, am no longer current with those dealings. I bring this up because I have given her a pass in the past on what I have felt to be grievous acts due to this problem that she has. Just to give you a bit of back story, my sister has done the following things: She frequently has borrowed money without any intention of paying it back (although each time she swears she will) she has said horrible things about my husband, told family and friends that she "couldn't care less" about my children, told me that I "deserved" the death of my daughter, called me numerous names, i.e lame, loser, fat b*%#$, and the like. I really could go on and on. Whenever she decides that she isn't angry anymore, she says to "let bygones be bygones" for the sake of being sisters and we continue on. However, 8 months ago I gave birth to my daughter, the week before she had asked to move in and I told her no. So, when my baby arrived, she chose not to visit at the hospital, told my family she had no idea that was the day I was to deliver (which is wrong, my child was a scheduled birth and everyone knew the date) and proceeded to block me on FB and change her phone number. She even fought with my mother, brother and other sister for continuing to talk to me. This weekend she texted me to say "let's let bygones be bygones"' and I said that we could but only after she apologized. She told me that she has no idea why she should apologize and that she wouldn't. I told her that our relationship must stop here until she is willing to apologize. I have decided to stand my ground because she has never apologized for anything. Am I being stubborn? What do you think?
Thank you all so much! It is very hard when it comes to family because as you know, people always want to keep the peace. Just as many of you mentioned, my sister often gets her way no matter how irrational she is being, because everyone wants to keep the peace, and it is just easier to let her have her way. I do recognize that an apology wouldn't be the fix that this situation needs but it would be a start. I guess what bothers me most is that she just doesn't CARE how outrageous or hurtful she is/has been and she is just quite able to "move on". That is until the next time I don't loan her the money or whatever. It was nice to know that others recognize my need to separate from her, even if my family keeps saying, "but you are SISTERS"!!
Just because you share some blood with her and have a history of growing up together, does NOT mean you have to put up with her drama at ALL!
I am so there with you. My oldest sister would love to let bygones be bygones since she is the wrong doer. I cannot move on until she does give a good apology.
I have a stepdaughter who has done this to us, her father, her brother and so forth. She thinks that since she is "family" that we have to forgive her and keep on with her. But she sadly burned all the bridges between us to smitherines and there is no going back. Just because you are "family" does NOT give you the right to say or do as you please w/o any accoutability. It's not a free pass. You are not being stubborn, you are finally putting some ground rules down and you need to stick with them. She is not a healthy productive member of your family and you need to realize that. Time for some boundaries. The attitude of "let's let bygones be bygones" can only go so far. You can't continue your bad disrespectful behaviors and expect the others to just forget about it. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge. And unfortunately it sounds like she isn't capable of realizing she is the problem or has the ability to take responsibility for her actions so you have no choice but to protect yourself. That is what we have to do. No one in my stepdaughter's family on her dad's side nor on her mom's side will have anything to do with her. It's that bad. People like that are like poison and what do healthy sane people do around poison? You stay away from it. Sister or not, she has some serious apologizing to do but not only words but by her actions. Good luck! It's tough, trust me but it has to be done in order to keep yourself sane.
You are NOT being stubborn. Stand your ground. Boundaries need to be set in all relationships even those we've had our whole lives. She continues to push those boundaries and expects everyone else to adjust their 'lines in the sand' without any remorse or apologies. So time to take a stand because you have this precious baby now and you can't be caught up in a continuous drama situation with your sister, you don't need the stress.
It sounds like she's never had to grow up (borrowing money, etc.) and it's long past time. Let her know you love her but you can not abide to have her around you as long as her behavior continues this way. Your family may fight you on it (letting bygones be bygones) but that's because she's trained them to comply to keep the peace. Well sometimes peace is HIGHLY overrated. Sometimes you have to fight as you will, take a stand for what's right and acceptable. Sounds like this is your time.
Best of luck to you. I can't imagine being in your shoes. Take care of your family, no one can do it better than you.
Just want to add that if your sister has a drug problem, then all of this is normal insanity. You can't apply logic to the insanity of addiction.
Now if she's CLEAN, then she should know EXACTLY what she needs to apologize for--she doesn't seem to have a clue--there's your answer.
Hugs going out to you.
I'm one of 4, #2 in line of all girls. I have a pretty close relationship with all my sisters. We do fight time to time, but not like we did growing up. My oldest sister has always been a great big sister, and always looking out for me. I admit, I had a little trouble in my 20's. She had to put her foot down with me, I did respect it, and now, I can say I'm glad she did. She didn't want to enable me more than she already had, plus she wanted me to see the big picture. It hurt when I was told I couldn't go to her house, but I did understand why. I love my sisters and really cannot imagine them not in my life. I'm glad that part of my life is over too. I caused a lot of heart ache on my family, but I did tell everyone "I was sorry". I think it even got to the part, where they didn't feel it was so sincere, because I said it all the time, but kept doing the same things.
My family just loved me and didn't want to see me hurting but not doing anything about it.
I agree with what you are doing. Keep strong boundaries lines, tell her you love her, even when she says you don't. Pray for her, it works, it really does. Don't enable her bad behavior.
Good Luck!
I say stand your ground. I have been estranged from my younger sister for years also because I feel she owes me an apology. I have "let bygones be bygones" too many times before. All that does is empower her to talk to me like a dog the next time!
She has no problem spewing out her nasty garbage, now she needs to learn how to spit out an apology too!
Nope, this time she will either apologize or we will remain estranged.
Stand your ground! You're not alone!
I think you are giving her room to mature (my motto that we live by).
Room to mature from her toxic behavior. I had to do so with my sister as well, i had to show her that I was not playing her "I am gonna be me" game.
It was okay when it was just me and her but when it comes to my children and my husband........SMH!
I wouldn't try to force an apology from her. She is very dysfunctional but that doesn't mean you need to or have to play the games with her and continue to maintain the unhealthy dynamic.
If you want to befriend her because she is your sister, that's fine. You know who you are dealing with. Perhaps she needs love but that doesn't mean you should treat her poorly because she treats you poorly. It's not in her to apologize because she doesn't see she has done anything wrong.
You have a choice about what you get to do. Of course you could write her off and get on with your life or you could have some form of relationship with her but not entertain the madness, or you could maintain the status quo. The only person you can change or control is you. You get to decide. What is worth it to you?
I kind of know where you are coming from. My dad has mental health issues and there is always some drama with him. Three weeks ago when I was sick he told family and friends that I was in the hospital dying. I wasn't, just had a virus. The week after when I went to see him he called me a terrible name and tried to apologize for it but he is always trying to do or say something to get a reaction. I don't entertain the drama. I even went to see him this Sunday and he was still eating so we left but I have realtionship with him minus the drama. I just don't entertain his antics.
Side note, I also deal with my own emotions separate from dealing with him. He can't help himself it is part of his mental health issues. I think the same applies to your sister. It's not an excuse, it just helps you to have health expectations and not get disappointed when they say or do something crazy and/or hurtful.
You have tolerated far more than I would have. My sisters and I disagree all the time but we do not fight about it. Currently I am upset and dissapointed by one sister and confused and not sure about the other's actions either - but no huge fights just here is my stance and give me time to come to an understanding. If my sisters and I fought like that I would not even bother.
Check out this website and see if any of it rings a bell. Your sister sounds like an unhealthy person. You don't owe her a relationship, you get to choose - whether or not or how much to allow her into your life. Whatever you do, take care of yourself and your family first.
Blessings...
I make it a priority not to accept this type of behavior from acquaintances, there is no way I would take it from family. Forget the power struggles and demanding an apology, she is not going to mean it even if she does mutter the words. I would (and have) stop the cycle of "let bygones be bygones" and loaning out money. You KNOW she will never pay you back.
Go on and enjoy your life with people that make a positive impact.
Bygones are not bygones. BECAUSE, she is a CHRONIC dysfunctional person, and has or is on drugs. An "Addict."
Thus, she has MANY issues going on.
Of which YOU cannot solve. BECAUSE, she is not functioning as a normal person. So, "normal" logic, will NOT NOT NOT work on her.
And only a Professional can help her.
It is just a VICIOUS CYCLE.... and it will not stop.
Expectations of her, will not work.
Because, she does not function as a normal person.
Apologies, are empty.
It is temporary.
So KNOW that.
It is NOT permanent.
It is NOT just about getting an "apology" from her. Because, even if she does apologize... her behavior WILL CONTINUE. Hence, the vicious cycle.
The only thing that may help her, is professional Therapy.
Know that.
You cannot "fix" her.
Nor, can you expect her to change.
The only thing you can do, is to stop, letting her... manipulate you.
I am sure, your family knows her toxic background too? And about the drugs and money?
Why keep secrets.
you have to have boundaries. i myself would be less interested in hearing words (which to her seem to be basically meaningless) and more interested in seeing genuine actions that indicate good will.
but i think it's way past time to get stubborn in one form or other. if an apology will do it for you, then hold your ground for that.
whatever you do, just don't go back to accepting her former behavior.
khairete
S.
Good for you for setting limits. Don't back down.
Also, if she has drug problems, it might be a good idea for you and other family members to go to Al Anon meetings so that you can all learn to set more boundaries and health(ier) relationships if she's in a place that she can handle that.
First off, congrats on your new baby!
I think you are being a responsible parent. As such, we choose who we let into the lives of our children. If it were me, I would keep her to an email/texting relationship. I would not her near my kids if I could help it.
Its stories like this that make me *very* happy I'm an only child! =) That being said, I would wash my hands of her. She is way more drama than she is worth. I would tell her forget it, apology or not. Life is too short to spend it with negative people and being unhappy. I would email her and tell her that you can't believe she will let bygones be bygones and that you would rather just put an end to the drama now. You can't trust that she has learned from anything and has made any changes. Just my opinion but I'm black and white about stuff like that. Good luck!
Your SWH so fits my daughter! I so understand the situation even tho it's from a different angle! Same thing with her - apologize??? really?? like it's a foreign concept! LOL! Stand your ground!
I think you are enabling her behavior and giving silent approval if you continue to let her "beat up on you" verbally. I would let the past go by writing down why you want her to apologize (just this time not all the past things) and send it to her. I would make the letter about feelings, not accusations. Tell her how she had made you feel. Ask her to read it, and apologize either verbally or in a heartfelt letter.
I'm glad you are standing your ground on this one. It may be harder at certain times than others, but you need to teach your children that there are certain people (it doesn't matter if they are related) who must be avoided. Just like you couldn't care less what I (a stranger) would say or do, have the same mind about your sister. She's the one who ruined the relationship. Now she has to suffer the consequences.
