What Would Your Punishment Be?

I am a community college English professor and I see the results of this kind of behavior is school a lot. Kids who do not graduate because they procrastinate or never do the work. Kids who get diplomas but cannot write because the never did the work and strings were pulled so that they could graduate.

Then they come to me at 18 and act the same way and they fail assignments because they do not know how to commit to the job of being a student and they do not take responsibility for themselves. Then they ask me for extra credit assignments, which I almost never give because this is college.

So, teach her responsibility. Make her get a job. Force her to take control of her life, not as a punishment but because this is what she needs to do. I think that sometimes requiring students to take on responsibility inspires one to become more active in their own lives in other ways. And if she fails the class, then summer school. And if she refuses that, then she does not graduate.

Failing English is not and would not be an option in my house. I agree with the other moms that she wouldn't be allowed to do ANYTHING else but finish that homework. And I mean nothing.

I would have her write the essay immediately and also another one for extra credit in the form of an apology. She should tell her teacher the reason she chose not to write the paper and take responsibility for it.

Oooh I am dealing with the same thing. My kid gets straight A's (not bragging...) BUT currently has a D in Science due to "missed assignments:" two labs she didn't turn in that just happened to be worth almost half her grade.

OK I have tried everything: yelling, crying, beating my head against the wall. What is FINALLY working for me is this. Daughter: "Can I go to the Mardi Gras carnival?" Me: "Can you print me up your progress report and show me your grades?" (Note: it is available online in our district. My house rule is extracurricular activities only if maintaining at least a B average; anything lower than a B- disqualifies her--unless there are extenuating circumstances). Daughter: "Well, the teacher hasn't updated my ____grade yet." Me: "Oh. I'm sorry. I guess you will have to email her. Too bad you missed those assignments; looks like it has really affected your grades."

This might seem harsh, but prior to this she was really playing me, turning stuff in late, sweet-talking the teachers to get extra time--which she doesn't need. Now, I would set my expectations according to ability--if she tried really hard and got C's, I'd be OK with that. But she has to try. I consider school to be her "job," and unless she does her "job" she doesn't get "paid"--just like when you and I go to work. So far this system has been working really well for us. Good luck!

Grounded for three weeks for the three weeks it wasn't turned in. Takes longer to turn it in, grounding gets longer.

P.S. I'm a professional writer and understand writer's block. However, I have NEVER turned in a project late due to it. Not a valid excuse.

She wouldn't be doing anything else until the assignment is done. No phone, no friends, no tv. Bet you she would get over her, "Writers Block" in a hurry.

If it were me, the punishment would be "Sit down and write that essay right now, with your very angry mom standing over your shoulder the entire time. If you don't like doing your homework under those conditions, then get things turned in on time from now on."

- Sit at the kitchen table and write the essay TONIGHT.
- Homework assignments "checked" by mom every day and homework completed in the living room/ kitchen every night until she can demonstrate responsibility.
- Grounded from social activities until ALL work is caught-up and all classes are being passed

Unless the teacher gave the assignment and it was due the next day, this excuse is a load of huey. She could have asked for help, stayed to meet with the teacher, asked a friend, Googled a sample essay... sorry, but this excuse just wouldn't fly in my house!

Natural consequences:

1. She fails.
2. She then has to go to summer school.

Make these two things crystal clear to her and let her know there will be no, repeat, no getting out of summer school.

So, for the sake of flubbing ONE assignment, she has bought herself weeks and weeks of summer school.

I would take a calm moment today, sit her down with no other distractions around (no TV on, etc.) and lay this out without any extra discussion: If you do not turn in the essay by (date the teacher has given), you will fail. Then you will be required to go to X weeks of summer school, every day for Y hours. You have until (date teacher gave) to make your decision: Don't do anything and spend Y hours every day in summer school, or turn in the essay, however awful it may be, and avoid summer school. This is the last I will say about it. It is entirely up to you.

If she plans to earn money for a summer job, she will not have that money; if your whole family has plans to travel, she will blow that for the entire family (not just herself), etc. She needs to see that you will not intervene but she will basically trash her entire summer if she does nothing.

One thing I'd add after all that tough talk -- if she seems to be struggling in other ways at school or at home or socially, consider whether she has some true issue like depression, changes at home if any, etc. But short of any real and immediate issues like those, have the talk and leave it up to her.

Um, the consequence is failing English.

I have a 17 yr old Junior, girl.

Does your Junior not realize that this is one of the most important year's for her grades to be accessed by colleges and universities? Bottom line, she is blowing her college education.

If it were my Junior, she'd lose her car, phone and anything and everything that she valued until she got the grades up. I think summer school should be mandatory. I would also be in contact with the teachers and let my daughter know that I would be her shadow until she shows me the responsibility required for her. I would also show her the info on her favorite colleges she has selected and already visited and let her know, she screwed up her chances of getting in... not that she couldn't get in... but will have a LOT more work to get accepted. Colleges don't want slackers.

Those homework essays are no brainers for an easy A.

She should be focused on college and her grades. Maybe take her someplace where people work who are uneducated and let her see the hard life for real.

ETA: I love the "parent block" comment. You rock.

If she is 16 then the consequence is her failing.

What things does she like to do that she shouldn't be doing now b/c she has an essay to turn in? Like, oh, texting, being online, seeing friends, watching TV....

If she fails, make her pay for summer school. My niece failed English....the same year she won a literary award. My SIL made her pay for the summer school, niece couldn't do dance that summer (including performances with her troop), and niece managed not to do it again.

True story.

One of my best friends in high school (yes, this was back in the stone age) did not turn in one paper in Sr. English and did not graduate!!!

We were told at the begining of the school year that we must do a research paper (on time) if we did not turn this in we would not graduate. This girl was a Whole Lot smarter than I was, but she didn't graduate and I did just because of a paper. She turned the thing in a month late, but the teacher was Very clear about his policy and she had to get a GED.

Take EVERYTHING away from her. What does she enjoy most? TV? Phone? Time with friends? Shopping? Computer? Take it all away until the situation is corrected!!

M

The conquence is FAILING Jr English and maybe not graduating with her class.
I would set up a meeting with her teacher and have the 3 of you go over the expections of the class and the assignment. If she turns in the essay will she pass, if not what kind of extra credit work does she need to do to pass.

I went through this with my youngest, just simply would not do his school work. There comes a time when you stop fighting and pushing and punishing and let them make up their own mind. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. In other words you can only do so much. If she wants to get into the college of her choice and get into a career field she will enjoy then she has to do the work. The choices she makes today will determine the rest of her life.

Natural consequences. Summer School.

If she doesn't want that? All privileges are done - ipod, cell, etc. if she needs to unwind - well - she can take a walk around the block - maybe go for a run.

Ask her what she needs from you. Instead of yelling and screaming - tell her that if she fails - it will be summer school. If she has any hopes or dreams of college - they WILL consider her Junior year grades and that means she might not get a scholarship. Talk with her about the long term affects of this.

If she doesn't care now, she will later.

Dealing with the same thing in my 10y.

For us, it was he wasn't allowed to do anything else - tv, games, friends, parties - until there was progress on the work.
One time I stopped by class to drop something off, started chatting with the teacher and found out that he had 20 pages of homework that he hadn't turned in. (i sort of blamed that one on the teacher for letting it get that bad). I was NOT happy! We scanned the work, and broke it up to easy ones, medium, hard. The easy ones were done the first night. The rest were split up in to 2 - 3 piles of a mix of medium and hard. Each night he had to get one pile done, and turned in the next day. It took 4 days, and he wasn't feeling well at the end of it, but it got turned in.

Now a new grade, and we are still dealing with the problem. Each week its a battle. Last week I went to have lunch with him to find out that he and some others hadn't done their work and so they had to eat in the room and work through lunch.

At this point, its on her. She either does it or she doesn't. Her end grade, and possible failing of the class is her reward or punishment. It will suck for her if she has to repeat 11th grade because she didn't turn in one paper, but its her destiny to control.

I just heard a report on the radio yesterday with a college professor how you can tell the kids that had parents that micromanaged them all through HS. Now that they are in college and on their own they are struggling because Ma and Pa aren't around to keep them on task.

Another wake up call method: (if it comes to that) is to attend school with her one day. You would have to get this pre-approved by the school. Go sit in her classes, write down her assignments for her etc. It won't take long for her to get her act together.

Take away everything until its done. Good luck.

Personally, I would make her sit at a table until it was done. No TV, no phone, no going out, nothing. Let her get up to eat and sleep. It might sound harsh but seriously, I'd suspend all privileges entirely until it was done and turned in.

There must be more to this cause not turning in one 100 point assignment does not make someone fail...

Tell her you don't mind if she fails...cause your not the one that will have to take the class over and or have to take the class during the summer

I think failing the class and going to summer school seems to be the natural consequences for THIS action, don't you think?

The first night I would have made her stay up all night until she completed it. I could have made her life very miserable but I was very fortunate my daughter knew how critical Junior year is. It's hard to believe one stupid essay is causing her to fail.

Then she fails! Tough love kiddo! Who looks stupid not graduating, because it's not mom and dad!

I was that kid. I did, however, pull a lot of strings and graduated... my second senior year.

Learn what her currency is. Her phone? Friends? Computer time? Sheer humiliation? See if her teacher can have her stay after school for as long as it takes for that paper to get done.

Then teach your kid how to 'fake it until you make it'... What was the paper on? I bet you $20 I could write one in 20 minutes. On ANYTHING. Give me any topic, and I will BS my way through it... but it will get done ;)

She goes to school. She comes home, has a snack. Sits at dining room table and works on essay. No cell phone. No Ipod. No TV. No computer to type it up until she has a handwritten draft. Just Mom nearby to make sure she is working on it. Zero privileges until it is finished. Actually zero privileges until you have proof she's turned it in. I make my 7th grader have her teacher sign a note in her agenda when she's turned in an incomplete assignment. I either need to see a note with the teacher's signature, or the score recorded in her online record before her privileges are restored. Sadly, I can no longer just trust it's done when she says it's done. This is because my DD tends to want to just forget all about it when she misses an assignment, like oh well, over and done with, she wants to just sweep it under the rug. Too unpleasant to revisit that with the teacher. I've told her I don't even care if the teacher gives 50% credit or zero credit. Mom and Dad's expectations are she must do all of the work. Zeros are not acceptable.

She would be sitting in front of me until she finished the assignment. When she turned it in, she would be asking the teacher for extra credit. If given, each would be monitored by me until done and turned in. If none is available, she either brings her grade up by the end of the semester, or she has to go to summer school.

First of all, there would be no 3 weeks and the home work still wasn't turned in. Because taking away cell phone, TV, radio, what ever it is she's doing that isn't about school, would not be happening either. I guarantee that writers block would have been unblocked as soon as I found out the assignment wasn't turned in. As for getting back the luxury items, well, that would be when the grade was back up to an A, well for my kids.

I don't lower the bar for my kids, I know they are smart and I'm not going dumb it down for them. But this isn't a new rule in the house either, it started when they were young. Take pride in yourself, in your work, what you do. Character is very important. I want the best for my children, it's my responsibility to raise them up right and care. I talk to my children, but I'm a parent before a friend. I let them know, that grade is for their benefit, not mine. Once they turn 18 they are legally an adult and responsible for the path they go down. I'm not saying I'm heartless either, but I think if you build their character from early on, and they take pride in themselves and work, it will show.

My daughter lost her cd/radio, TV in her room in the 7th grade for bringing home a "B". It took next grading period to bring it back up to an "A" and it stayed there. Now, she's 16, will be 17 in another month. 7th grade isn't as hard as 11th, she has gotten some B's in her high school career. But by doing this in her younger years, when we knew she could get them, but was distracted by other things, her focus changed really fast. She's going to be going to college in another year and 1/2, I want her to succeed when I'm not there, she doesn't like to get B's, but hates getting anything lower.

It's not easy being a parent, and we want to do what is right, but sometimes not being their friend and having them hate us, in their mind, is the best for them to focus on their life. We can't hold their hand forever.

Good Luck Momma!

I would take EVERYTHING away - except pen, pencil and paper and tell her to get on it. Get 'er done.

There will be nothing but soup and bread...not even a shower, until the project is finished. Period. And make sure you check it.

I have a 15 year old that I have had this problem with, on and off for several years. I have made it clear to him that his education is his job. I will help him if he needs tutoring, I will provide the tools needed for him to do his job, and I do not tolerate Fs very well.

I will ground him and remove all of his privileges until his grades improve. And I mean all privileges - TV, gaming systems, cell phone, small toys, anything and everything not related to school work. He gets to keep books.

I also will schedule a conference with his teachers to find out what else he should be doing.

I have done all of this. It works for us.

But, he knows that ultimately, if he fails it is on him. He knows that if he fails badly he will have to repeat a grade and he knows that I can decide to make him repeat a grade.

I wish you luck - this is a tough age with our children.

I would probably give the child a deadline and say the car (or something like tv) is gone if the paper isn't in. I'd be sympathetic, but firm. Be really sympathetic about the possibility of messing up the summer with making up the class.

The ultimate consequence will be summer school, right?

What Miranda O said.

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Failure and punishment are not going to teach her to write.

The consequence is: she may not pass her grade level and flunk.
Is that what she wants?

What does the Teacher do about it?
She is already failing.

If she fails, she should make it up in Summer school. I also agree that talking to her about why (if she is willing to open up) would be beneficial. At 16, I found the most effective consequences were the ones I naturally created for myself.

No ipod, no phone, no computer unless working on homework, no friends over, no going to friends, no extracurricular activities, no TV, can't leave house unless attending church service, and no car. I would escort my child to school and right into the classroom if need be and then come to escort them home. You hold all the strings.

All electronics (phone, etc) taken away and into her room or at the kitchen table this weekend until the essay gets done?

And then when it's finally done probably a week of grounding!

I agree with letting her fail. Talk to her and ask her what she thinks or knows is going to happen in regards to her schooling if she fails English. Make sure she has the full picture. If you have to pay for summer school, make her work this summer and pay for it.

Even if she doesn't have to go to summer school or it's free -make her get a job this summer! I'm not saying this to slam anyone here who works in retail or hospitality, landscaping, etc., but often teens who work at jobs that don't require furthering their educations realize that they REALLY want to do better in school so they don't have to do that "summer" job forever.

Let her fail. I know hard, really hard. Mine failed her last quarter AP Physics, she had the highest grade on the midterm but a 44 in the class. She did no homework.
I told her how disappointed we were in her. How she was not getting into any of her top choice colleges. How much I wanted her to go to a good school but that her options were severely limited now.
I did not take away the computer as her Physics is sent to her nightly from the teacher.

Your daughter may have to repeat English in summer school. That will be a huge embarrassment. I would tell her so, what she will have to do. Let her know how disappointed you are in her actions and ask her how she wants to fix it.

If she truly cannot do this paper then sit down with her and help her step by step. Or call the English teacher and ask for her help.

Let her go to summer school.

I was a perfectionist in school and suffered through some of this. She is doing it to herself and will learn the consequences of this. At this age, it's the best approach. Nothing you can say or do will make a difference.

I would talk with her to see if anything else is going on or bothering her. I would ask what the assignment is about and help her brain storm. I would also speak with her teacher privately and ask her thoughts on your daughter's performance otherwise. It sounds as though she is lacking motivation.