Angry with Teen Daughter - What to Do?

My thoughts on this is it is about the effort and not the grade. Only you and her teachers know what she is capable of. We aren't all good at everything. If this is something she has truly put an effort towards but has still struggled, I'd try not to punish her. How does she want to rectify the situation? I'd follow her lead.

I would have her redo it next year. And it can be taken instead of drivers ed. consequences for actions.....

Is she failing because she is truly struggling? or is she failing because she is being "passive aggressive" or lazy? I think that make a difference (it does for me).

If she is trying but really not getting it, taking it in summer school or over next year may be the best thing for her. In this case, making her miss a family trip (which would be punishing her and affecting the whole family) isn't completely fair so letting her take it next year is reasonable. However, it also means it affects her remaining high school career so I think I would be willing to ask her which she prefers.

If she is just being lazy and difficult, let the chips fall where they may (tell her ahead of time...if you don't buckle down and pass you will xxx) and then follow through.

I would let her retake it next year and live with the consequences of not being able to take classes she likes later. There will be room in her schedule eventually, but she'll have to sacrifice an elective or take a summer course later to get that 4th year in.

I wouldn't prevent her from coming on vacation. You're aggravated and disappointed, she feels like an idiot and is masking that by being defiant and uncooperative...this just isn't good for either of you. Call a truce. Call the school year over. Decide that she will sort this out later (with your guidance), relax, and breathe. Vacation time as a family is important, and a change of scenery for her and you can provide the break you both need for her to remember that you're on the same team.

Maybe I'm taking the long view because a 13 year old boy in a neighboring town was killed by a school bus today on his way home from school. He was riding on the sidewalk, the school bus was passing him, he fell off of his bike and under the bus' tires and died. Failing a year of math really won't make or break her life. It's important, but not life or death. She'll figure something out and graduate eventually. Take the vacation together and agree to sort this out later.

You know what? I was and still am horrible with algebra.
It is just not something, even when I studied and was tutored, was I able to really make a good grade. So I slipped by, but by the skin of my teeth.

If she was tutored and she still is befuddled, ask the school, what are her options?

I was able to take pre-algebra and some other math class to fulfill my math credits in High school.. Still got into college.. Obviously, not med school or engineering! But I passed the ACT and SAT.

Speak with the school counselor about how to handle this. Do not brood over this.

I was pretty humiliated that I just could not grasp the concepts, but in the long run, I am great at business type math. I do not fell like I missed out on anything.

Or she retakes the class next year and gives up an elective. I think you should talk to the guidance office about what is required for grad. I did really poorly in Algebra myself, even with tutoring. I only did well when it was my ONLY class. But I only needed 3 maths, so my senior year I bailed on Pre Calc.

And it may also be that she needs to take a class in the summer but it won't be this summer. Talk to the school about options, like fitting in Geometry next summer if she takes Algebra again next year.

My niece won a writing award....the year she failed English for not turning in work. My SIL let her go on a pre-paid dance trip that summer, but niece had to pay for her own summer school and also had to forego dance that fall til she'd proven she was taking her classes seriously.

It happens. Be angry, sure. And then come up with a plan, knowing that she's the only one who can really fix it. I would lay out her options and ask her for input, with not graduating HS not an option.

ETA: Someone else pointed out that some concepts are just harder. If she was tutored and really did try but can't grasp it, then that's the issue. I'd be defensive if I tried and got flack for failing. I graduated close to the top of my HS class and nearly got honors in college - but that darn math requirement both times brought down my GPA. Maybe she needs a different teacher or a different tutor. My stepson is good at math - and his Calc teacher was terrible so the whole class struggled. I would try to have her retake it with someone else. (FWIW, I did great in Chemistry...go figure.)

Don't let your disappointment ruin everyone's summer. Make a plan and move on.

We had a VERY similar situation with my our oldest. She was doing poorly in school and we had warned her repeatedly that her failing just because she refused to do the work was going to end up costing her big.

Then it happened. We scheduled a Caribbean cruise and she was failing multiple classes and it looked like she would have to take summer school. So . . . . we didn't take her. #1 - She had plenty of warning that her failure to take school seriously would have grave results and #2 - There would be no reward for essentially being lazy all year. Now had she been honestly struggling and not just NOT turning in homework or studying at all . . . I would have been less inclined to keep her home for the trip. But this was clearly a case of just not doing any work.

In the end, it made a HUGE impression on her. I can't say she became a super student overnight but she knew we were serious about our "threats". She actually finished her Senior year on the honor roll!!

You have only 3 short years left until your daughter is a senior in HS and an adult. Go on your family vacation and enjoy it. Let go of your anger. Bad grades can have consequences and your daughter will figure this out. What would be far more important to me is if your daughter is a kind person? Is she thoughtful? Does she stick up for bullied kids etc. If so, you are doing the most important thing right.

FYI...my daughter only needs 3 years of math to graduate from HS. She is also graduating with far more credits than she needs to graduate. Instead of taking study halls she took classes that interest her. If I were you I would talk to the school guidance counselor and find out the actual requirements to graduate.

I'd want to know why she failed algebra. There are so many reasons why a kid fails, from not turning in homework on time, to decorating their assignment papers with pictures of Justin Bieber instead of actual answers, to trying their best and just not being able to succeed.

If your daughter goofed off, blew off assignments, and assumed that this course was "stupid", if the teacher told you that help was repeatedly offered to your daughter and she refused, then lower the hammer, and choose an appropriate punishment. Basically, she did this, and she needs to pay the penalty.

If your daughter tried her best, worked hard, but failed, then I'd encourage her, empathize with her, and tell her that you'll work with her next year to figure this out. In that case, algebra is hard for her, she's new to high school, and she needs encouragement and support.

And if this is the only course she failed, that speaks volumes.

But for you to be "essentially done with her" is such a sad thing to say, and to hear. This is one class in school. You have much to be thankful for, it seems (a job, a family, a vacation, a daughter) and for you to be "done" with your daughter over a class - well, I'd seriously examine my own heart if it were me. I'd be grateful that my daughter is alive. I'd be thankful that she is not missing. I'd be full of hope for her future, and I'd let her know that you will never ever give up on her. Maybe that's what she wants to know.

Our kids will frequently disappoint us as they make their way in this world. It's ok to let them know we're disappointed. It's ok to help them see that school performance is important, and that their gifts should not be wasted. It's ok to punish them when they have failed to even make a basic effort in something they are perfectly capable of achieving. It's ok to teach them, love them, cry with them, sigh over them, but after one failed math class in the first year of high school, it's not ok to give up on them. Saying "you're done" sounds kind of passive aggressive in itself, perhaps?

Anyway, please help her. She has 3 more years of high school, and there's lots of time to make up an algebra class. Yes, it will be more work, but she'll figure out what failing a class means (fewer electives and free periods, etc).

You know, math is just not for some people. The ONLY class I EVER failed was algebra. If she has been making an effort but just can't seem to get it, then there is no reason for punishment. Did you punish her when she was learning to speak because she didn't pronounce some words correctly? No, you gave her time and you didn't get angry.

I say she should go on vacation and she should be able to earn enough credits to graduate on time without a mad "scramble" or putting your lives in ruins.

Step back for a minute. In the whole scheme of life, this isn't that big of a deal. If she has to go to summer school next year to earn some extra credits to make up for this, plan for that and do it next year.

Breathe, mama. She (and you) will be fine.

I was your daughter! I hated math barely passed algebra in high school. I drop geometry a couple of weeks into the class. I was able to just take regular math. My dad was pissed but I knew I couldn't do it. I do NOT like Math!! There is a reason why I do not work in a field with numbers. Yuck! I failed a quarter of English my sophomore year. I took summer school and took an extra semester as well. Cute guy in the class! =)

Personally, I would not enroll her in summer school. I would make her take it again next year. To me that is the natural consequence. She is going to have to figure it out. Also, schedule a meeting with the guidance counselor. Talk to them and see what they suggest.

Did she not put the effort or does she truly not get it. Those are two completely different situations and I would deal with each differently.

I totally understand your frustrations with your daughter. My son was my "challenge" child. His sophomore year in HS was a disaster and I was so ready to send him to military school. Seriously, if I could have afforded it I would have done it. He was getting out of control and I was "done" with him. Well, I sat back and looked at how I was over that year. I was not as engaged as I had been in the past. I was so focused on my career that I left him floundering in the waters of high school. He was hanging around the wrong kids and he was getting in trouble. I think the shop lifting was an eye opener for me and my husband. We both re-engaged, got counseling and became more involved in his life. It worked!!! He graduated with a B average from high school, he joined the Army National Guard and will graduate next May from college. I tell you this because I understand the frustrations of our kids. My son is very smart. Probably too smart for his own good. But please know that things can be turned around. I would take the opportunity of the trip to re-connect with your daughter. Talk to her not at her and really listen. Enjoy this time.

Ladies, I know many of us have had friends who suffered terrible tragedies with their kids. I can't even begin to imagine that. We have been dealing with some of that in our extended family. However, I am not going to belittle this mom because she is frustrated with her daughter. Yes, we should all hug our kids every day but the reality is that we also must parent our children.

Go on your trip as planned. She can retake it next semester. Many kids have to adjust to freshman year in high school.

I had a cousin who failed math and her dad paid good money for her to go to a prep school to get her grade up. She partied and failed again and had to repeat her freshman year and graduated with me. So the moral of the story is it is her life and she has to figure it out. You can show her what to do and she has to want to do it for it to work.

Enjoy your holiday and deal with it later. Perhaps she will have matured some over the summer to understand what she must do to go on to college or vocational school or whatever.

the other S.

Why do you have to cancel trip if she stays with grandparents..? I don't quite understand some parts of post, but: Don't screw up a whole summer.

Let her repeat it during a school year.

Not everyone can do math. I think I failed algebra 1 twice and never took any more...maybe I struggled through algebra 2...I definitely never took any higher math like calculus and whatnot..I was straight A's in all things literature, writing, grammar and art. I can't do math to this day and I used to have my own company.

That's what calculators and apps are for...

I suggest you quickly read "how to talk so teens will listen, and how to listen so teens will talk".

I think you need to stop being angry with her, and actually talk to her. Ask her how she wants to handle this: would she prefer to work hard and try to pass? would she prefer to do summer school, because maybe with a different teacher, she can actually learn it (after all the goal is to learn, not just pass, right?), maybe online is better because she can work through it more on her own and the different format will be better for her or would she prefer to take it next year and while she finished out this year she can come up with a concrete plan of how to get her credits in?

The bottom line is that you can't force her to learn algebra. But you can take the pressure off, and let her think through how she is going to get through this. This is ultimately her decision, and she is the one who is going to have to live with the consequences.

Let her repeat it next year. She will not learn enough in summer school to be able to make it through Algebra II. Most colleges only make you have Algebra I and II and Geometry. If she cannot get through algebra courses, she WON'T make it through pre-calc. She may not be able to do Statistics either. Not everyone is cut out for the higher level math.

Sometimes kids who aren't good at algebra get better at understanding it when they are adults. I was like that. I suffered through Algebra II Trig my junior year of high school, even with tutors from the local college. Yet when I took classes later after I had my kids, algebra made sense in a way it never had before. I kept taking it just to see how well I could do and made A's. I never thought I'd understand it - I just needed a more mature brain for it.

I'm not sure what you mean by support for her, but I highly recommend having a tutor for her. I wouldn't have passed Algebra II Trig without it.

As a sophomore, my daughter took Geometry 1& 2. She failed both. She just didn't understand it and was too scared to ask questions because she thought she might look "dumb." We weren't happy by any means.

Over that summer she retook the course and passed Geo 1. The school didn't have a teacher to teach Geo 2, so we tried an online course. It was disastrous. It was like trying to cram 6 months of lessons into 5-6 weeks. It was overwhelming. She failed, but we tried. However, I don't think I would try that again.

She retook Geo 2 this year (Junior year). We are awaiting her final grade. At this point a "D" which is passing would be welcomed....so we can move pass this.

Just let her retake it. She has plenty of time to make it up since she's just a Freshman. As for us, my daughter has one last math class next year - senior year. So the situation is more critical in our case since she's got one year left. Good luck.

In CA, they often have time in their junior or senior years to catch up on missed classes. So maybe she doesn't have to make it up just now. What does her counselor say?

It's one class in her freshman year. Don't take this too much upon yourself, or you might be in for a miserable couple of years. This is ultimately her life, even though you are still responsible for her. At her age an important life lesson is that there are consequences for her actions, or inaction. Maybe once she has to do summer school because she didn't try hard enough, she won't be so lazy the next time she takes the class.

A friend's daughter struggled and failed a number of classes in high school, not because she wasn't bright but because she had anxiety etc., and the teen years were hard on her. My friend was really enmeshed in her daughter's failing school experience, and it made her and her family miserable for a few years. Ultimately, the girl graduated a few months late, pulled her act together and is doing well in college. So in hindsight, it wasn't necessary for my friend to fall into misery and upset the household over her daughter's grades.

If I were in your place I would realize that this isn't the end of the world, and I would talk to the school counselor to explore the best options. Maybe she puts the extra class off till next summer. Or maybe she does some other option. But I don't think you should ruin your trip over this.

If you feel the best option is to have her stay home with grandma to take summer school, then do that, especially if your daughter is entering a morose teen phase, in which case it probably won't be that pleasant to bring her anyway.

It will all work out in the end.

I took pre-algebra in 9th grade. It seems like they go faster and faster pushing algebra these days (with my sons it started in middle school).

If she re-takes the class, will she get grade forgiveness? Or will this "F" sink her high school GPA permanently? If they do some sort of grade forgiveness I would just take it again next year. Of course that means she will likely not make it to pre-calc/trig in high school, but is that really the end of the world?

I'd still go on the vacation with her. But I would find out what your school guidance counselor suggests.

Here in our district the class can be made up ANY summer before graduation, but clearly she won't be able to move up to the next level in math next year...right? Or does her counselor think she can go ahead and take the next class?
It sucks. Both my girls had to do summer school a few times because of classes they either couldn't or wouldn't pass. It's hard when our kids don't live up to our expectations but I guess this is something parents have been dealing with since the beginning of time :-(

I never got algebra. Hated math. Was not good at it. Business math, accounting was different. I soared. If she is trying her best, doing homework but just can't get it, go on your family vacation. She should be able to fit it in in the next year. Now if she is screwing around, not turning in work that's different. However, that doesn't sound like that's the case. Good luck. Have fun.

done with her?
what does that mean?
this would not be my problem. when my kids dug in their heels over algebra, i let them help me find better curricula, and left it up to them. they both wanted to go to college, and after doing no math for a while, both sighed and buckled down.
at 15 neither was particularly good at math. so we enrolled them in the 98, 99 and 100 math series at the community college, and they got straight As. both of them. by then they were ready and self-motivated enough to go for it.
if this were my daughter i'd let her fail, and deal with the consequences of failure. i wouldn't like it. but i sure wouldn't battle her over it.
i assume you've presented her with her options- buckle down now, do summer school, or figure it out over her high school career. which one does she prefer?
i think once we stop trying to impose our will on teenagers, they surprise us by being far more sensible than we think when we're in a locked-horn situation with them.
khairete
S.

The first thing you need to do is get beyond the anger and passive aggression (could it be masking fear?) or it won't matter what else you do. I would sit down and talk with your daughter, outline what the all the options are and what each will mean to her free time and your summer plans. Tell her if she settles down and really tries and still fails, it will be her option of how to make up the class. If she blows it off and gives you attitude, it is summer school and staying with the grandparents. Give her the opportunity to be mature.

I was horrible at math..only class I ever failed!..had to take it in summer school before my senior year to get enough credits.
I would still take her on vacation(..she's still a child)...I'm in the same boat I too have a freshman failing a class and I am beyond irritated but figure out the best option and go with it..make her buckle down much harder next year. :) good luck!

It's hard to say from your post if your daughter is snappish now or has been all year meaning she really hasn't tried. Assuming she has put in some effort, let her take it next year. They do accelerate things now and obviously a lot of people didn't do well in algebra. I happened to like it but despise geometry. I still hate it. So I agree some people don't get certain math concepts. And I have an advanced degree in a math related field now from a top school. Just saying don't overreact to this. Also, when I was in college I missed a key building block in a subject. I had a tutor and memorized my way through it all but barely. After graduation, I realized the ridiculously obvious step I had backwards and it all fell into place. Starting over with algebra next possibly could help her fill a piece that is missing or she has wrong but no one realizes that now. Not definite but possible. People are being hard on you. It's hard not to be frustrated but she's not the first kid this has happened to and she probably feels a ton of pressure and some shame which is causing a bad attitude. Even adults get like that.

Tough love. Assuming all of the support you have obtained (tutoring, etc.) was on track, and assuming she also attempted to meet with the teacher and get extra help (or at least was told to), she has to sink or swim on her own efforts. If she is trying very hard and just can't grasp the concepts, then she needs to repeat the class, either in summer school or by dropping an elective next year (something fun) and repeating the course with younger students. If she's not even trying, then that's even worse.

You say you are "done with her" and I am hoping that is figurative, not literal. I'm assuming that you are a reasonable person who has set benchmarks which she has not met (like talking to the teacher or doing the extra work with a tutor, whatever assistance you put in place). I'm assuming that you aren't really writing off your daughter ("done with her") or abdicating your parental role, and it's just the frustration talking.

The thing is, you need this trip for your job. That's not negotiable. I think, if you have her pay a price now, she will know that you mean business. I think she stays with her grandparents and misses the trip. You're sending the message that work/education are important. She's doing hers, you're doing yours.

If you think she is depressed and that her moodiness/snappishness is the sign of something greater, then you need to get her help for that.

But if you think she's testing you and almost daring you to put your foot down, then put it down.

I have 2 stepdaughters who gave all kinds of warning signs of rebellion. One didn't study and now regrets it ("If I got A's at state college, I could've gotten C's at Harvard. I wish someone had told me to study." -- My husband: "You're joking. I was on you all the time." She sheepishly agreed.) The other got good grades but started running with pretty horrible people (gangs, drug dealers….) and wound up dropping out of college, getting pregnant, and getting into all kinds of legal trouble. She also attempted suicide more than once. But her mother either a) never told my husband about this or b) only told him when his daughter was already missing or hospitalized. We found out about her legal trouble when there was an article in the paper about the disposition of her case. My husband wanted his daughter to get in some serious trouble early on - like not being bailed out for "disturbing the peace" and having to face those consequences. Basically he wanted early intervention while she was a minor (and there was parental control over decisions for her care) rather than waiting until she was 20 and there was no legal way to influence her.

So my advice is to let her be pissed off and inconvenienced and disappointed early in her high school career so that she can turn it around before it affects her long-term record. Colleges are very understanding about a kid who did poorly at first but rose above it and excelled. So a "failure" now is very low risk.

Letting your daughter know that you mean business is really important - when she starts driving and having way more independence, it's much harder to be assertive when she already knows you to be a pushover.

If you have grandparents to supervise her and drive her, that's wonderful. I say, take advantage of it. Tell her you absolutely wish this weren't the case, but it's HER decision not to meet basic requirements, utilize her tutoring well, or whatever other support services you arranged for but she dismissed.

But I reiterate, if there's something else going on from a mental health standpoint, address it. But if she's just going to cop attitude about how miserable you are out to make her, let her know this is within her control, and she can buckle down and get the job done. She'll either buckle down now and actually pass, or she'll stay home from the trip and do the work so she doesn't miss the next vacation.

But DO NOT turn this trip upside down trying to supervise her with on line course work. She needs to be accountable to someone and SHE needs to be inconvenienced, not you.

If you let her take an online course, the reality is that she will say she will do it so she can make the trip and likely never log on.

If you make her stay with her grandparents, she will resent everyone and everything.

Gamma makes sense. She probably can't do it. It happens. It might be a matter of getting a tutor or program that teaches in a manner that she understands.

My husband tries to teach our daughter math and he can't. When I teach her, she gets it. We finally all get it. If he tries to show her something, she will usually say she needs mom. He now understands it and is no longer upset that she won't "listen" to him.

With that said, I now have an employee on my team that is in her early 70's. She can use a computer, but is used to paper copies and not using technology to its full potential. I have a lot on my plate, but worked with her all day, trying to get her up to speed on basic keyboard shortcut commands to increase her speed. I can fight this or embrace it. I choose to embrace. It takes all the patients I have and all the cigarettes this poor lady has, but by the end of the day, I asked if she was comfortable with what she learned and she said she learned a lot and found it very interesting. I call that a win!

I would sit down with your daughter and explain she has to make some big decisions to correct this and ask how you can help her. In my case, I get that a class would probably leave her behind and she wouldn't get a thing out of it. So, try to find out what her limitations are and see if you can help from there. Apply some patients so she will open up and share with you. Then lay the options out on the table and if she chooses the trip and an online course, then have her set the time that she will get up or turn in each day to complete the course.

Try not to be upset or punish her for what may be a learning disability. I am sure if she could, she would.

Lots of variables when it comes to credits needed to graduate. Will she fail the year or just the 2nd semester? How many math credits will she need to graduate in your state? It is completely reasonable for her to take a semester of credit recovery next fall coupled with Geometry and get completely back on track. Summer school is only one option for making up failing grades, and you will only have your kids at home living with you for a short time.
You also have to figure out what REALLY matters to her. If she stays with grandparents but hangs on her phone, computer or whatever all day, she isn't truly paying a price. You weren't specific about your vacay, but if it is a research opportunity, it is important to HER? She may be secretly hoping you do leave her home, and that would cost you important opportunities to bond again.
Step back, take a breath, talk to counselors and really look at what consequence would get your daughter's attention. Good Luck!

I would let her choose to skip the vacation for summer school or retake it next year. During the year when she was failing what did you do besides tutors and the like? Did you take away things like cell phones and social media (the things that distract from studying)? If not I would seriously consider it in the future if her grades are not improving.

oh don't say you're "done" with her. she's your daughter, you'll never be "done" with her. You're fed up, and you have every right to be. But don't give up. This too shall pass.

I think staying with grandparents instead of family vacation is a viable solution - assuming she has time to turn it around. Give her the consequences in a very matter-of-fact way, and then follow through if needed.

Good luck mama. Just remember, this is a pain in the butt, but it's not the end of the world. by no means. Hang in there.