At the begining of the month my husband and I got into a huge fight about house chores and him helping me out, he left and stayed at his mom's house for the evening. The following morning his mom sent me a text saying that I ''need to take care of her son and respect him more because he is a good catch and not to be so hard on him, and if he doesn't want to help out that I need to do everything on my own because that is the wife's duty and that the household depends mostly on the woman'' (Not verbatim but along the lines) I responded via email, pretty much saying that she needs to mind her own business and that it was her sons mistake to run to her house and getting her involved. Well, she never responded to the email. Fast forward to Christmas, she gave me a mug with the 1 Corinthians 13 scripture about Love on it. I couldn't believe it. I take that as passive aggressiveness at it's finest. I just can't get past the whole thing. What would you do or handle the situation. It's tough because there really isn't anything to say or do in this case to her. What I really wanted to do was ''forget'' the damn mug at her house. It's up for grabs, if anyone wants a mug. Lol...
Omg ladies, you are cracking me up!!! That's exactly what I wanted to do, take that damn mug and smash it against the wall! It did take alot from me to not to tell her off in front of everyone. I love that idea of taking the passage of ''when a man leaves his home and joins his wife..'' and making it a keychain or something for her!! I love it. I might just have to do that!!! ;P
I actually do believe in God and I do respect the bible. My problem is not with the bible verse, my problem is with the passive aggressiveness that his mom has displayed. Also, I do acknowledge that it is my husband's fault that she is meddling into our affairs, but she still has free will and she chose to meddle. I have addressed the issue with my husband and he agreed he was in the wrong for going to her home in the first place, he aplogized and since then has helped me out when I am cleaning house. I have a son and I have already started teaching him to help out mama, mind you, he is only eight and a half months old but he knows where his toy basket is and what goes in it. I beleive in equality, we both have jobs, therefore we both sustain the household, and that goes for the keeping of the household inside and out, financially, physically and emotionally.A marriage is made up of two, not one.
Her response explains it all.
He learned this behavior from his mother.
If we live in the house.. We ALL do the chores.
If he is not man enough to clean, he must be man enough to make enough money when you hire a house keeper. Do it.
I would have a very serious talk with "mama boy hubby" that is what I would do. Then, I would take that mug and smash it into a million pieces and have my husband clean up the mess!!! So what are you? Chopped liver? Really? Wow! I would be some kind of ticked off! Husband needs to grow up and MIL needs to stay out! If he had a bad day at work and the boss yelled at him, would she text his boss and tell him not to be mean to her boy? Yikes!
Leave and cleave. The cheapest way is to buy the mug at Michaels that kids color a sheet on and insert on the outside. It is plastic and impossible to break.
And that mug would already be at Goodwill.
LOTS going on.
First of all, your husband ran to his mommy when you had a fight? Not cool.
And Mommy didn't turn him around and send him home? Equally uncool.
As for the mug, since you will obviously always have a bad association, "drop" it tomorrow. If it doesn't break, drop it again.
Um, the beef isn't with your MIL. The beef is with your husband! Of course his mommy is going to defend him. He needs the keychain not the MIL. You are upset with the wrong person!
There's nothing passive about this. Too bad you didn't know what a mama's boy he was going to be, and what a crappy mother SHE would be, allowing him to run home to her like that.
I would not have a thing to do with a woman who acted like this. And I would give her back the mug and reply with the Bible verse that says a man is supposed to leave his mother and cleave to his wife.
I will tell you that my MIL had 3 sons and would no more have told her DILs stuff like this than the man in the moon. She told her sons to pull their damn weight. She was an excellent example of a woman who did a lot but expected her husband to help and would not have put up with him being catered to.
You sure you want to be married to this child of yours? (I'm trying to put an LOL in here!). You can tell this got me riled up! :)
Dawn
Honestly, I can play the passive-aggressive game pretty well too. I think I would find a biblical quote about how a man has to leave his family and form a union with his wife, have it put on some object via zazzle or cafepress and would send it to her. Either that or smash the mug and send it back to her in pieces.
But that's just me and probably isn't helpful. Oh I would be mad for sure. It would take a lot of restraint and breathing and meditation to not tell off both her and her son.
Sorry I don't have better advice. Maybe someone else here can offer something productive. What nerve of her!
ETA: here's a quote: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
(Genesis 2:24)
And another: Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the Lord.
(Proverbs 18:22)
hey i have no qualms with "accidentally" dropping the damn thing. and by accidentally dropping i mean taking it out to the driveway and throwing it down as hard as you can :) these things happen!
i would have a bigger issue with her attitude....but unfortunately your HUSBAND is putting her in the middle. because this is probably his pattern, screw up, run to mommy who knows he can do no wrong. HE is where my real issue would lie. until you and he are on the same side nothing is going to get fixed, no matter how much you talk to or don't talk to MIL.
gooood luck!
Buy her the movie MONSTER IN LAW!! With Jane Fonda for her birthday lol!!!! Hows that for passive aggressive!!! I also have some old fashioned values but my husband is my partner not my boss, we are equal, I am not his slave. Just because when my kids were little he was the primary bread winner did not diminish what I did all day long, as a homemaker. My husband just helped me with the dishes and when he went upstairs to change clothes he put a load of laundry in for me. We work as a team, yes we both work now that the kids are grown, but he would have done it when they were little as well. Your hubby needs a wake up call, and should not be running to mommy with his problems. That would be the FIRST thing I addressed with him, arguments stay between you and him and his mommy should not be involved. Good luck
I agree with those who say your main problem is with your husband running to his mama! He needs to grow up!
Of course, your MIL should have stayed out of it. There's no more sure fire way to cause problems than to meddle like that! Good for you for sending her the email. Re-gift the mug to her next Christmas along with the key chain. Don't forget a key chain for your hubby also.
Perhaps she needs a subscription to Ms. for a gift.
Donate the mug to Goodwill and keep working on getting your husband to do his share of the housework. IMO, anyone who walks on the floor should take a turn at mopping it. Anyone who eats should take a turn at grocery shopping, cooking, and washing dishes. Anyone who shits and showers should take a turn at scrubbing the bathroom.
And parents need to stay the hell out of their adult children's relationships. My daughter and her fiance live in MY house, and I don't get in the middle of their disagreements. In fact, when possible, I leave for a while to give them some privacy to work it out.
LOL!! Send it to me!!!
Well...obviously, you don't believe the Bible or respect the verse.
I'm not saying I agree that she handled it the very best way. But I agree with her completely. So long as the man is a good provider and hopefully, a decent father, and a good lover, or even a half arsed one...you are ahead of most woman. BUT, this is not the mom's place. It's not her fault though. He brought her into it.
Throw the mug in the garbage.
Wow, you both have jobs and your husband is having hissy fits about splitting the chores? The biggest problem here is your husband - when he gets (unreasonably) mad he runs home and tattles to mommy - this is wrong on so many levels.
As far as the nasty text message and passive aggressive gift, you've got a Monster-In-Law on your hands for sure! Personally I wouldn't have spent Christmas with the woman, but that's just me. Steer clear of her as much as possible. Sounds like she's not going to bring anything positive into your life. I used to have in-law problems and finally decided I could stomach them, for family's sake, once a month for X amount of time (they live fairly close by). Sometimes I don't even see them that often - depends on my mood. They don't pull stunts like they used to, but every once in a while they tick me off pretty good and I just stay away for a while. I wouldn't let a friend, co-worker, or stranger on the street treat me that way - why should one's husband's family be permitted to do so?
I agree with smashing the mug and giving her the peices.
My first thing is MIL needs to understand that 'we've come a long way baby'. There is no such thing as women's work or men's work. Why we women can mow lawns, pound nails and change oil just like a man.
Get her a Victorian outfit and tell her --her attitude went out with Queen Victoria.
What a mama's boy! Ugh! Good luck!
See I would have just emailed her back saying keep him. Then again my ex's mom would know that would be my response so she would have tossed him back out the door without talking to him.
There are times I feel sorry for her having to take him back, then again, she raised him.
OMG the text? Really? Man that lady needs to mind her business and manners. She should have told her son to buck up and go home. WOW! You could also regift the mug to her with some tea and stuff in it J/K...LOL I do like the "Leave and cleave" mug idea...LOL I'd talk to your husband about it. He really needs to leave his mom out of his mess. Good grief!
I think that most men don't like to do house work BECAUSE it is WORK! Go home to mommy wow what is he .........3. This is between YOU and YOUR HUSBAND and not mommy! My son is engaged and I NEVER butt in to their affairs. If either of them want to tell me something they will but if they don't I keep my mouth shut. I would return the mug to your MIL and just say "thanks but no thanks"
I have steam coming out of my ears for you. You are very unlucky to have a husband who does not help out more, a mother -in-law who medals, and a husband who does not fight his own battles.
But nothing you feel like doing is going to make the situation better. Nagging and resenting your husband won't help your marriage. The 1 corinthians mug may or may not have been backhanded. It is very good you did not tell her off. I would have wanted to also, but it will not help. This is my advice and I will admit, it won't be popular. I would humble yourself. Give it some time. Continue, without nagging or complaining, to ask for your husbands help. If he does not give it to you, take the higher road and work on developing a servant heart, trying not to resent him. If he sees positive changes in your attitude, it may compel him to see it your way and for his heart to be open to you and your needs. But if not, you did not marry that kind of man, and complaining and nagging will only cause you to end up with the same unhelpful husband who does not enjoy your company.
As for the MIL, she is not wise to medal. But the best thing you can do is to be humble and gracious.
WOW! What a situation! I love a lot of the responses. Here are my two cents: 1) just talk to your husband and really figure out what you both are comfortable doing and then when & how to get it done. Housework is a series of tasks and should just be done so you can get on with your life with your husband & family. Cleaning the kitchen is such a chore for us--but when my husband & I are cleaning it together, we are silly and we even talk about some family or household stuff that we wouldn't otherwise make time to discuss. 2) that mug!!! (I am shaking my head right now!) Don't throw it away or break it - keep it, even display it, as a reminder of the woman you do not want to become. Now go have some fun with your husband!! Happy New Year to you! B.
probably would have "accidentally" dropp the darn thing and said well this is YOUR house. Thats YOUR job. and left. =0)
I think your issue is with your husband and not your mother in law.
What she is getting of the picture is that you clearly aren't happy with his contribution to the family and therefore he left.
At least he went to his mom's and you knew where he was.
My daughter is 25 and her significant other has come to me when they aren't getting along. I don't choose him over my daughter. I try to talk them through things. My daughter knows I wouldn't steer either of them wrong. And, I must say that I'm guilty of quoting phrases about how it takes two in any relationship, etc. It's not to be preachy, but I want them to work it out if they can. They have a beautiful baby and I love all three of them.
I don't "bible quote", but the Love is Patient, Love is Kind is certainly not the worst thing someone could say when a relationship is in a bumpy state,
I'm an older mother and one thing I have learned is that nothing is ever 50/50. That is an illusion.
One person will always do one thing or other more than the other person.
The trick is to agreeing and working it out as opposed to fighting about it.
This may not be happening in your case, but I have a young woman in my family who believes she is to do nothing but play with her children. Her husband works three jobs and he does all the dishes, cooking dinner, the laundry, giving the kids their evening baths, all the yardwork, taking out the garbage....and it's never enough for her. PLUS she complains he doesn't make enough money. I'm sorry, but to me, that's very unfair. Any moment he has home from work, she expects him to do everything else. I don't think that's a fair and equitable balance and it's killing him because even with 3 jobs he takes side jobs and then she's mad he's not home more.
He can't win.
I'm not saying that's the case with you, but there might be a better way of communicating with your husband over division of duties that doesn't make him feel he needs to escape. Maybe he feels he has no one to talk to but his mom. My kids come to me. I don't interfere, but I certainly encourage them to think of each other. For all you know, your husband's mom has encouraged him to help change things too.
My advice is to concentrate on the situation at hand. Don't read into anything the mother says because she may not have meant it in the way you took it. She may be a bit old fashioned in her views of roles. That doesn't make her evil.
More fighting will lead to more trouble, in my opinion.
Try to come to an understanding with your husband. A fair one.
When I was a stay at home mom, I did everything. My husband made good money and in order for him to do that, I needed to be supportive. I needed to be able to take care of the home and the kids. I loved that being my "job".
I can tell you things got a lot harder when I became a single mom and it was ALL on my shoulders. Financially, working my butt off outside the home, juggling just surviving on my own.
Marriage is hard.
So is not having a husband.
Take mother in law out of it and work this out with your husband.
Only my opinion.
Just my opinion.
