I am in my 30's, and my mother is in her early 60's. I am an only child. My mother has a high school education and has been somewhat mentally unstable throughout her life. Doctors have tried to prescribe things such as zoloft to my mother, but she refuses to take them. She also does not have medical insurance, so she cannot afford to visit the doc or get her presc filled. She does not qualify for the medical card because she is not old enough yet and doesn't have children. She worked as a nanny for many years, but quit that wonderful job because she couldn't handle it anymore. Now, she works at a gas station.
She is completely dependent upon me for money and emotional support. She has absolutely no friends and no family nearby. At her age, a career is not an option. She is always needing money and has absolutely nothing saved. She requires financial help from me on many occasions (ie hospital bills, rent, eye surgery, etc). I am at my wits end. I feel like her dependency on me will never end. Before my husband was in the picture, I used to send her money whenever she needed it, even though I didn't always have it. I have gone so far as to incur credit card debt just to purchase my mother clothing because without me, she wouldn't have clothes. I always felt that as my mother, she deserved my help. And she never requested money for "frivolous" things. She wears shoes till they fall apart and has had the same old furniture since 1970. She doesn't even have TV because she cannot afford it.
My husband gets upset every time I send her money (understandably so). He thinks she should have planned better throughout her life and that we have expenses of our own. It is very difficult for us to get ahead when we constantly send my mother money. We have a plethora of school loan debt and children and other debts of our own.
I have discussed this issue with others, and some have advised to sit down with my mother and devise a budget (ie Dave Ramsey plan). This is impossible. She makes enough money just to pay her bills. Anything beyond that (shoes, doctors, clothing) is unattainable. Many say "tell your mother to get a different job." I have suggested this, but anything she can do will be the same low pay. I don't see how a budget works when you bring in less than what goes out and have no hopes for an alternative higher paying job. (At least according to my mother).
I am in desperate need of advice. I am at a constant state of being torn between my husband and my mother. I consult with my husband for any major purchases/expenditures, and so anytime mom asks for money of a significant amount, it causes turmoil in the home. I will say, most of the time I do what my husband wishes, as he is now my family and we are in this together. But I feel horrible guilt because it is my mother! My mother HATES asking for money, and cries almost every time she does it. Lately, she has been asking less frequently (ie only once every 6 months now). Recently, she called and said she owes money to an ambulance service and needs eye surgery for retinal detachment, but didn't come out and ask for the money. She is barely able to see out of one eye. If I don't pay for it, who will?
My biggest fear is a lack of money for my family because I am spending it on my mother. I do not foresee an end to my mother's needs in sight. I fear I will forever have to pay for her and will eventually have to move her in with us or pay for an alternative caretaker. My husband is less than thrilled at this idea. He believes in tough love = tell your mom to figure it out and she will. He believes people who try to help themselves deserve help. He views my mom as just letting everyone take care of her and just getting by and not trying to better her situation (ie move into a cheaper apt, get a different job, etc). He has some valid points.
Ladies, please give some kind advice or words of encouragement.
PS - I have also looked into any services my mother may qualify for She makes $8.25/hour and has no children, so she qualifies for NOTHING. I promise you, I have looked into every option available. She does not qualify for food stamps or any similar assistance She makes "too much money" and has no children, according to the cut off points. My mom has visited catholic charities and the counselor she met with said they have no options available for her. She is too young for medicare and makes too much with no kids to qualify for the medical card.
We have offered to move my mother in with us, but she refuses because our house is too small (1200 sq feet with 4 (soon to be 5) in it already. She says she wants her privacy and has lived alone for far too long.
Ladies - thanks so much for the comments so far. Keep them coming.
To answer a few questions: My mom has been divorced since I was 5. No man in her life since. When I say "mentally unstable", I mean doesn't like to be around people in a large setting and is just plain weird. There is no other way to describe it. She would stay in her apartment all day long if she could. Therefore, getting her involved in a church or with another person (roommate) is not going to happen. My mom is as stubborn as they come, hence my DH"s frustration. He knows she won't help herself, so he feels angry that I am still sending her money when she has done nothing to better her situation herself. I have helped my mom financially since I was in highschool (worked full time at fast food joints while attending HS - gave my mom the paychecks). I have been sending her money ever since.
I am so sorry. I am interested in seeing the responses, as I am in a similar situation - but it is my mother in law.
First, if she needs retinal detachment surgery, that must be done ASAP. It can mean the difference between going blind and not. I had this done 11 years ago and it gave me my sight back when most of it was gone due to an undetected detachment. Rather than funding this surgery, however, she needs to work out repayment with the county hospital treating her. All hospitals in our area have programs to help the poor and can work out a payment system. At the very least, if you must help, it won't be on a grand scale at one time.
Also, encourage her to seek assistance from the local food bank to help cut back food expenses. They may also have access to clothing programs and other resources that can help her keep within her budget each month. There may also be government programs that can help.
I've watched my parents care for their elderly parents, and saw my grandma deplete her savings. My parents were so smart in keeping their own finances separate so they wouldn't sabotage their own retirement. They sought out government assistance when it was needed for my grandma and that enabled her to get by. You can't sabotage your family's life and your future to help your mom. I can see making small gifts now and then, but it's not your responsibility to pay her bills.
Hugs and best of luck to you ...
Go to Social Services in your community and sit down with a counselor. I know that you've looked into things- but a professional who deals with these types of situations regularly might be able to find some options you don't know about. Also, they can provide you with counseling- you don't have to do this all on your own!
When my grandmother had her first stroke in the late 60s, my parents had no idea she was eligible for Medicare. After they had struggled to try and pay all her healthcare bills on their own, a nurse took my mom aside and told her she was sure my grandmother would be eligible and to apply for aid. It made all the difference in the world to my mom and dad, who were both working but just starting out their family.
Sadly, I think so many people are in your mother's position in this country right now- they don't make enough money to live on, have no health insurance= but make just a little too much to qualify for help. At least she has you to try and help her out!
Go talk to Social Services- take advantage of some counseling and support. It may open up some opportunities for your mother you didn't know about. Good luck and God bless you and your mom!
I would go into the Health and Welfare office in your town and meet with a caseworker about your mom's situation. She may qualify for some services (if she were in Oregon I'm sure she would); there are food stamps and some health insurance supplements, maybe even section 8 for housing? There may also be some services in the community that could help her with food and clothing. This is such a difficult situation--I know I could never let my mom go without, but at the same time it's a difficult time for so many families. I don't have any real advice, just lots of sympathy. The economy is horrible and those at the bottom are carrying an unfair burden. I wish you luck.
.
Dear S.,
I feel for you. You are between a rock and a hard place. I have been in a similar situation with family wanting money--and me feeling bad because I want to help them--but my poor husband is the one working for it...I totally understand. Would your mom be able to get a roommate to share expenses with? How about low-income housing or housing where you pay on a sliding scale according to your income? My grandma used to have a townhouse and she only got SS and she could afford it. I sure hope something works out for you. It's so difficult to honor your mother and yet be honest and open with your husband. I pray you will find a good solution to your dilemma.
You sound like a darling daughter, is there anyway she could move in with you to minimize her expenses? I would be looking into assistance, there are all kinds of assistance out there, maybe speak to a branch of Salvation Army...I wish I had better advice for you, just wanted to be someone who told you how much I admired you for all you have selflessly done for your mother when so many in the world would not.
I also wanted to say that 1200 square feet is small, but it can be done. My first house was only 600 square feet TOTAL, and we provided daycare for 10 full-time children day and night, 7 days per week, 24 hours per day. For a time we lived in a 1500 square foot house in California with my husband and myself, 3 of our children and my mother as well as several pets. My girls were teens and their friends stayed the night often so we had many people in that house. Your baby will be small and your children can room together for as long as it takes. Grandma can also room with children if need be. I certianly have roomed with small children for years!
In my opinion, her moving in with you and helping with the children, working for just her own spending money, is the ONLY option. If she doesn't want to do that, then she needs to work it out on her own. She could find another woman of a similar age and live together pooling their meager incomes. What other options are there?
My mother moved in when she was 55 and just diagnosed with heart disease. She does get social security/disability which is now being converted to regular social security as she turns 65 next week. She does get tired of not living on her own and I can be a hard task master sometimes. I hold her accountable for her messy lifestyle and I'm often on her case about anything I think is bad for the kids like...not throwing out old food, keeping too many small and chokeable items out, not putting her medicine under lock and key (even though it is up high). She doesn't like feeling like I tell her what to do. I'm here to say I love my mother, want her with me, and I try so hard to treat her with respect. It's not easy for either of us sometimes. Fortunately for us, my husband loves my mother as much as he did his own mom. His mother killed herself when he was only 21 or 22. So he has mommy abandonment issues. It works to our advantage because he doesn't begrudge my mother anything.
As far as the eye surgery goes, she'll be entirely blind if she doesn't get that surgery and then she won't be able to work at all. So do whatever it takes to get that done even if it means making payments. They should be HER payments! Teaching hospitals don't leave people without medical care. Someone needs to help with that.
Is your husband right or is your mother too unstable to make any changes? I think that should be the first question you answer.
If he's correct, you can come up with a plan for that. If she is truly unable to function without support, then you probably need to budget for that too, as if she were a child.
Good luck to you.
I'm sorry you, and your whole family, are struggling with this.
Have you looked into the option of her getting a lower paying job, so that she does qualify for assistance???
If your DH is willing, I really think that she needs to move in with you, even though the house is small. Make her her own space so that she has her own privacy. If that doesn't work, can she take in a roommate, or room with someone else? If she goes to church, she might be able to find a living situation through a church member or through church services. If she's not, try contact Catholic Social Services--they might be able to help point out some things to look into.
Regardless what you do, I do think that you can help her come up with budget, and that way, you can try to foresee some of the costs associated with living, and plan those in. That way, they are not so much of an unpleasant surprise. By doing budget, and sticking to it, I think it will help with the healthy boundaries between your families, as well as helping financially.
If your mother makes very low income she will qualify for section 8 housing and also for food stamps and a medical card. Most people from that generation do not like the apply for this as they feel it is demeaning. But it is clear she needs the help. I would go with her to public aid and fill out the paperwork with her. It may even be able to be done online. Retinal detachment is a huge surgery cost wise. I have vision in only one eye due to retinal detachment. Had 6 surgeries to correct it with no success. You are correct in worrying about the money. Your husband is wrong in feeling that it is ok to cut her off due to lack of planning. You can't just cut a parent out because they didn't plan well. I am struggling with that now with my own mom. We did make mine go to public aid and get both food stamps and medical card. she now qualifies for medicare thank god. But I also help mine throughout the month. I would love for my mom to move in. But she won't do it. He is correct about adjusting her lifestyle into a cheaper apartment. As far as the clothing, shoes etc. clothing can be purchased at a thrift store. Nice things if you look. We always check them out before buying new. for everything except shoes. If she can't afford it she can't afford it so make her move. If you stop paying her excess stuff she will have to adjust. Good luck. It is so hard being in the sandwich generation. Where we take care of both our children and our parents.
This is such a tough one, S.. If your mom is not physically or emotionally disabled, then you should not have to support her or meet her extra needs, and doing so could reasonably be called codependency. Read a book or two on the subject if you're not already familiar with it, and you may get a fresh perspective on this common problem.
Because your mom has been prescribed an antidepressant, some degree of disability is a possibility, but it's confounding that she won't take those meds to see whether they could help. If your husband is willing, you might make a deal with him that you could offer to pay for X months of Zoloft, on the understanding that it could help your mom's capacity to meet her own needs.
If he'll go for it, tell your mom that's the deal. You are stretched beyond your means to care for her financial needs, but you'll extend yourself in this one way before you withdraw all help. At that point, she'll have to rely on the other public agencies that provide services for the poor, learn to get by on less, and wait for Medicare to kick in to meet her medical needs.
It does sound true that your mom has adapted her needs and expenses to fit the resources currently available, and you are part of those resources in her thinking. My mom is somewhat the same, and even though she's retired and has SS, a retirement check, and insurance, and her monthly income is actually higher than my husband's and mine, she still "expects" us to pick up some of her expenses and do much of the work on her property.
It's an "interesting" problem, and I struggle with it myself. In my case, my darling husband is an exceedingly responsible type, and he's the one who not only jumps through her hoops, but volunteers for things she doesn't even ask for, thus raising her expectations.
I sometimes feel exceedingly exasperated, especially when she has money to spend on whims, travel, making codependent loans to my sisters, and we live on a very careful budget with no frills and I hold off on medical care I can't afford. I've been struggling with codependency for my whole life. I am gradually getting better, though. A useful image for me is that of a flight attendant telling travelers to put on their own face masks first in the case of emergency. If you can't maintain your own needs first, you're in no position to assist others.
first of all have you tried ss disability due to her eyes yes they will always deny you the first time. also have her buy angel food. and churches give a way clothes and try food banks. I hate to go both ways but from what your describing it sounds like your her crutch and your husband is right. now on the other side you are the only one your mom has. get her active in a church. you would be amazed what people from church will do for you. wemons bible study. so she can make friends. and they will also help you check on her. good luck and hang in there
I would check into food stamps and Medicare. That is why they are there. Also, does she qualify as a dependent for you? If so, she may be able to get on your insurance? Can she move into a cheaper apartment? You are in such a tough spot, and I worry about being in that spot myself soon.
That is a terrible position to be in. Your husband should be more understanding. I understand where he is coming from, but still she is yourmother & yoo're all she has. I feel terribly sorry for you because it's just stressful knowing your mom may not eat if you don't give her money. Not everyone knows how to just figure it out...thus why some end up on the streets or in shelters. I'm asuming there was no husband so there won't be any retirement to tap into or extra social security at any point in time. You said she is in her early 60's...is there any type of senior citizen housing in your area. We have complexes near where I live & they are efficient & very affordable. They are usually one bedroom with a small kitchen, full bath & living room. These are for seniors fully able to take care of themselves & live on their own. Also,if she is unstable, what about disability? The only problem is the cost of the Drs to prove it & the fact that she probably can't be employed for the 6 months prior to receiving benefits. I don't know what benefits she may be able to draw, either. A budget doesn't work when there is nothing to budget. It's a shame she can't find someone her age that needs a room mate or she could take in as a room mate (someone yo uall know / trust)....I agree with sitting down & talking to Family Services & at least getting a list resources for aging adults...they have to have referrals or something. Also, what about tapping in to local churches for an electric bill, food once in a while...it doesn't hurt...also, talk to the hospitals when she has bills, they have financial aid departments....you just have to stand your ground that she doesn't have money.....my dad had a brain tumor removed & even with insurance we were left with several thousand dollars in bills & he was out of work, so we've had to fill out papers....it's a long process, but the time you spend will save you money out of your pocket. I'm in Lincoln County Mo & we also have LCCOA (Lincoln County Council on Aging)...I don't know what it might be in your area, but it's worth looking into. Have you tried the Salvation Army for any financial aid, even medical? She's not the only person out there that is working but can't get enough money to make ends meet....neither of you should feel bad about that. I'm sure you've already thought of these things, but I just can't imagine what you are going through. I may in your position one day & I am dreading it. As far as your husband goes...what's his parents' story & I'm sure you wouldn't ever ask him to kick them to the curb....they may never need help but that's not the point....could he watch his parents suffer?
Your in a tough spot. My mom lives with me ,has for 14 years. To bad your hubby is not more support of her situation. I mean really , her eyes are in bad shape. She really cannot get another job or move with her condition. Its very hard for anyone to live alone these days. I mean she is living of minimum wage, paying rent, food, utilities, her bills, food....wow that is huge.
Is your husband welcoming to her to live with you? Maybe she feels his attitude towards her. Can you have her over for dinner a few nights a week. Their has to be some kind of foundation to help her. I truly feel bad for her. I know if I did not step in and help my mom she would be in the same situation as your mom. My husband adores my mother. She is such a blessing to have around us.
I hope you find some great advise here. Good luck!
You should see if your local Lions Club will help with the eye issue as that is their thing.
