In kindergarten she makes good friends with several girls in hers and other kindergarten classes. At a class party after the beginning of the school year, that I was unable to attend, I find out afterward that her friend’s sahd repeatedly was saying ‘Your name is ____, right?’ (not her name). She would say ‘no’ and go back to the activity/eating etc and he would do it again ad nauseum, literally. My daughter didn’t like it, I gave her some strategies to deal with it, and I thought, that is kind of weird, but whatever, that won’t happen again.
Fast forward, our families saw each other outside of school several times and every time the friend’s father sought my daughter out or sat next to my daughter and did the same thing, calling her names ad nauseum, clearly thinking it was funny. Every time I noticed the mother would make eye contact with me.
Thoughts?
ETA: I only added race/ethnicity because several people asked if there was a different ethnicity or language/accent issue. I said I didn’t think it had any bearing on the communication. That’s it!
Everybody, thank you so much for your thoughts. After reading your responses and thinking some more about the situation, I think Annette hit the nail on the head, but of course, I don’t really know what is going on in his head and that is what bothers me. ETA: B and Wild Woman really struck a chord in me with their thoughts on keeping my child safe and teaching her to be ‘loud and proud’. Lillym’s suggestions on communicating with him calmly and directly is the way I would like to naturally respond.
He is African American (which I don’t think has any bearing in the situation) and huge/intimidating, which bothers me. ETA: The mother is white and intense. As far as I know, he called my daughter Sally and maybe one other name so I think he is just trying to be funny but it raises my mama bear instinct. At the same time, I have another child that I was attending to when we were together and I felt that I was over reacting in my mind so at the time I let it go. What I have done, because it continued, was tell the mother that her husband was being inappropriate and that I do not want her husband to speak to my child anymore. My personal experience with people that do this kind of teasing do not think it is wrong and will not change because I request it so I approached it that way, not saying it was the best way. The mom was initially accepting and responsive and spoke to her husband but since then she is trying to review and discuss the situation with me more and get other mothers involved to discuss it with me so I’ve decided I’m keeping my mouth shut. Tomorrow is the end of year party so I will be watching and listening like a hawk! I’m hoping the summer time and space will diffuse the situation. If you have further thoughts let me know. Again, thank you everybody!
Can't you just tell him, "I know you're just joking, but my daughter is at the age where it's important that people call her by her real name and it really bother's her when they call her anything different."
And I believe that's true for kids that age. They are very literal and it makes them feel less important if someone is calling the by a different name. Honestly, I think it would bother me personally too.
This is not a normal way for an adult and a child to interact.
If I heard someone doing that to my son - I'd go over and tell him
"I'm his mom. His name is John. Why do you want to know? Next time you have a question - you ask the teacher or you ask me.".
I'd watch this guy like a hawk.
Anytime he 'seeks your daughter out' - get yourself over there and insert yourself to the situation and extricate your daughter.
It strikes me as he's trying to come off as goofy, funny to your child so he becomes familiar to her - and it borders on grooming behavior.
Do not leave your daughter alone anywhere near this guy and I'd go so far as to steer clear of situations where he is present.
The mother knows something - she's looking at you to see how fast you are going to catch on.
What Nationality is this "man"?
Does your daughter tell him to stop?
Does your daughter tell him to please stop advancing on her? Yes, she's young. but, part of me is SCREAMING he's a pedophile and he's working on your daughter. The wife KNOWS what he is but she's too afraid to stand up and say something.
OR the guy is beginning Alzheimers or something else. Either way? I'd request my child be put in another class SEPARATE from this "man's" child and teach my child to say "STOP. You are bothering me" LOUD and PROUD so that others NOTICE his behavior.
It sounds like a case of an adult thinking they are being really funny and just not getting that the child is not taking the comments as funny or lighthearted. My guess is the mother probably knows her husband's brand of humor may be off at times, and he probably isn't aware how his comments are received. That's why she's looking at you, kind of suspecting that her darling husband is not as funny as he thinks he is, and trying to gage any kind of reaction from you that confirms her suspicions. I can remember feeling irritated as a child a few times when adults thought they were "being funny" with me.
The next you see this man, I would pull him aside and tell him you've noticed him having these conversations with your daughter, and just tell him respectfully, to stop. Tell him while it may have been his intention to make a funny joke, your daughter feels bad when he or anyone says these things.
My guess is he will be embarrassed, apologize, and stop. He probably just doesn't get it. And even if he is kind of a jerk trying to get a rise out of your daughter, he's going to be very aware that this behavior is not Ok, and that you are very aware of it.
I would tell your daughter you are sorry that this man is probably thinking he is being funny and doesn't get that she feels so hurt by his comments. Tell her it should not happen again, but that if anyone, adult or child makes her feel sad or upset, it's OK to tell them directly to stop teasing her.
So... this happened the first time without you being present, and you gave your 5/6yo daughter “strategies to deal with it”. THEN it’s happened numerous times in YOUR presence, and you did nothing to address it???? How can you expect her to stand up for herself to an adult if you won’t even do it? There’s plenty of ways to simply and politely address it and put an end to it directly with the dad. “Suzy is uncomfortable when you call her Jenny, Libby, or anything other than Suzy, so I’d appreciate it if you stick to Suzy”. If it continues after a simple direct request, I’d make darn sure that man was never near my child.
I would tell him that this game isn't ok with me. Assume it's a game. Be friendly. I'm a retired police officer who investigated sex crimes, including those against children. Nothing you described indicates that he will harm your daughter. It would help me to know his tone of voice and if he continued after you asked him to stop.
I suggest that by you not telling him to stop, you've told him it's OK. I wonder why your daughter didn't just leave him and come to you. If she really doesn't like the way someone talks to her or acts around her, it's important that she feels powerful enough to walk away.
This notion that kids and women have to be polite is rubbish. You can be polite by asking your daughter to come to you or changing the way you're talking or standing by moving away, maybe even taking your daughter and leaving. A child should just walk away, move on and tell a trusted adult. You don't have to say anything and shouldn't if you are uncomfortable. A sense of personal comfort and safety should inform our decisions.
I suggest the only strategy your daughter needs is to walk away and go to a trusted adult.
Sounds like this father doesn't often show up at school. Still I would tell the teacher about this interaction.
So, it's the dad that is calling her the odd name but the mother that is making the eye contact with you when he was doing it? She's probably just trying to gauge your reaction.
The dad may have been trying to include your daughter at the class party if you weren't there. Some dads go too far (that used to happen to me. I was a shy little girl and some dads would tease me, and the moms would say "Enough Fred").
Or he might lack some social skills. You could say "Carla likes being called Carla". Or your daughter could tell him if she's up for it. Otherwise, like chacha says, you could mention something afterwards - just that your daughter likes being called by her name thanks if you wouldn't mind.
I would have gone up to the father and said "My daughter's name is Jane, not Sarah." And I wouldn't have smiled. I would have made sure that he knew I didn't like his little game.
The guy is strange. And I don't think I'd like him around my little girl, if it were me...Why the mother looks to you to see what you might do, I have no idea. She's strange too...
Added after seeing your SWH. I don't understand why you bring up race. That has no bearing here. His color and size doesn't have anything to do with the name thing and the fact that he's married to a white woman has nothing to do with her looking at you when you are watching this strange exchange.
Can you give us an example? Like, your daughter's name is Anna but the friend said "your name is Hannah, right?" Or "Janna" or "Sanna".
Or did this friend say to Anna, "your name is Banana" or "your name is Goofy"?
And did the dad say "Hannah" or did he say "fatty" or "Anna Banana butt"? Were the names this man was using a perfectly good rhyme for a name, like Stan instead of Dan (that could be an honest mistake due to hearing difficulties or speech problems) or where these names childish and rude and inappropriate nicknames?
If this man called her Sarah instead of Cara, I'd ignore it. If he called her something he obviously made up, to ridicule or belittle your daughter, I'd be stuck like glue to them or to your daughter at the next get-together and I'd raise my voice quite significantly and I'd say "that is an unacceptable way to speak to my daughter or any girl or any person for that matter" and I'd remove your daughter from his presence.
You've already done the right things by helping your daughter deal with it, and now she might need to see her mom go all momma bear on her behalf. Or if it's the Sarah/Cara thing and perhaps the dad is impaired in speech/hearing or if it's a question of a thick accent your daughter should see you modeling graciousness. I know that when we lived in Hawai'i, I mangled a lot of names that had 19 letters and 3 apostrophes and only 2 consonants. And I know that many people who were very friendly but who spoke only limited English mangled my name and my daughter's name but out of a good honest intention to pronounce our weird Anglo names. It's all about intent, I think.
This is so weird!!
My first thought is to wonder if the father might have something internal that causes him to act this way (like autism).
But sometimes adults - even sometimes well-meaning adults - try to "joke around" with children in a way that just doesn't work. A friend of mine had a teacher in elementary school who developed a habit of always referring to my friend by a rhyming name (like if my friend's name was Suzy, this teacher was calling her "Suzy Doozy", etc). And this teacher only did that to my friend, not to anyone else in the class. It irritated my friend, so she told her mother. Her mother reached out to the teacher and that put an end to it.
You certainly should address this. I think the best way is either to reach out to the mother or reach out to the mother and father *together*. I think either an in-person conversation (when your daughter is not nearby) or an email are both fine ways to handle it.
Additionally:
It might be interesting to find out "why" this started, if there is a reason beyond just "the father being weird".
For example, if your daughter is eating grapes and he says "Your name is grape-head, right?", that might be something he says to his own children to be "silly".
Or, maybe something related to "names" happened at that party you missed - for example, maybe your daughter introduced herself to the father, and now for some reason he thinks it is funny to pretend to not remember her name.
I remember once when I was very young I introduced myself to an adult by my first and last name ("Hi, I'm ChaCha Doe" rather than just "Hi, I'm ChaCha"). This adult then made a point of *always* bringing up my last name in conversation, in sort of an over-the-top way. Apparently that adult thought my way of introduction was funny (maybe thought it was precocious). That became irritating!
I would wonder if there is a culture issue going on. Is English his first language?? Are you and your family from a different culture and the name is infamiliar to him??
I will also say it irritates me to no end that parents choose to name their kid "Apple" or "la-a"...so if her name is pronounced "ladasha" and that's what she wants him to call her...you both need to speak up and tell him.
Either way that is what it comes to..politlely tell him everytime. "Mr. So and so her name is Douglas. Please call her that "
If you say that in a neutral voice over and over he will stop.
Why didn't you say something to him? I don't know if he thought he was being funny or if it was a cultural/language thing but I can't imagine just sitting there and not saying something to clear it up.
