What Would You Do? How Would You Feel If YOU Got This Letter?

She is not being a friend.

Sit down like adults and say, "Tessa, I'm glad we were able to help you out. However this arrangement no longer seems to be working and I will need you to start looking for other living arrangements. I need you to be out by xx/xx/xx which is 30 days from now".I might give 60 but no more then that.

You don't need to explain anything.

I would not send this letter. She will be offended because you clearly don't think she should be going on this vacation. (For what it is worth, I agree with you and would be pretty mad too).

If I were you, I would talk to her. (I don't think it is wise to put something like this in writing any way). I would also tell her you need to up the rent. They are taking advantage of the situation.

Danielle,

I would be upset. I know it's coming from love, but I would be upset.

Yes, you opened your doors to me. However, you can't tell me what to do.

I would NOT give her this letter. I would TALK WITH HER FACE TO FACE.

It sounds like you need to tell her they have a set amount of time to vacate your home so you can still have a friendship after this.

Good luck!

I think it maybe time for you to take your house back. Not only for yourself but also your daughter based on what you have stated above.

It sounds meddlesome without a goal. Like, you're asking her about their finances and relationship status. But what does that get you? You don't really want explanations of if/why she's still with Mr Creepy and if she realizes she's too broke for a vacation. Her answers will only stress you out and make her defensive and angry.

Make a deadline for them to leave and let all the rest go. When you consent to hosting messy people, you get a mess. You've been a trooper and a huge friend, but now it's time to move on. They'll stay there forever if you let them.

***Just read your swh: Good call.

I would not give her this letter. It's not going to get you the result you want, which is to get your house back.

First, did you enter into this agreement as a mutually necessary financial arrangement? That is, do you need their $500 and their part of the food budget to be able to live in your home? It doesn't sound like it, but if you do, that would obviously change my response. I'm going to base my response on the notion that you are just doing them a HUGE favor and don't need those funds.

I know you love your friend, but she's part of a package deal….kids and creepy husband and all, so don't even go there when talking about this.

They've more than taken advantage of your kindness. Living with you for an entire year for such a small rent should have allowed them to save up for their own place and have a little emergency fund.

Give them a date by which they need to be out of your home and into their own apartment. I truly hope you weren't allowing them to live with you until they could BUY a home. That's not happening anytime soon. They need a small rental that fits their budget. Doesn't matter if it's not their preferred style or in their desired neighborhood. It may not be what they want, but they just need a space to call their own and take responsibility for themselves.

They'll probably not like this, but you deserve to have your home back, and if you truly value your friendship with this woman, you should get moving on this. Your friendship will not survive the animosity and resentment that is building in this current arrangement.

Don't make it about her husband. Don't make it about the vacations or their horrible spending habits and financial choices. Just simply state the date by which they need to be out. No apologies. It is they who should be embarrassed by taking such advantage, so don't let them try to turn it around on you. Don't. They are being horrible, ungrateful friends. In a way, you are not doing them a favor any longer because they are not learning to stand on their own.

You have every right to have the peace and privacy in your home that you had before this invasion.

Give them a firm date, and get your life back.

Wishing you the best with this.

J. F.

You can talk to her about the tension, but it is not your place to ask them about their finances. They are paying the rent you asked for, beyond that it is not your business what you do with their money. I would feel differently if you were a parent, but you are a friend. Also, it's not your business about their relationship, unless she is confiding in you. She may hate him, but she maybe willing to put up with him for a trip to Maui. Maybe the trip is their way to try to rekindle their relationship. If you really want to discuss finances, the only way I can see that being done is if you ask them about an exit strategy and how much longer they plan on staying with you. However, you still can't bring up the trip or how they spend their money, but you can ask them about their future living arrangements.

I think the problem is not the vacation, or the relationship- it is the arrangement. It's time for them to go. I wouldn't send this letter either. I'd have the sit-down telling them it's time for them to make other arrangements. I would wait til a few days after they got back from Hawaii and then have a sit down in person, keeping it simple and telling them it's time, give them the 30 days or whatever.

I know you didn't choose this arrangement and are just trying to be a good friend. But so many boundaries are being blurred here and you are so in the middle of the situation you can't even see it. Get them out of your house and save the friendship.

Look - you need to get your home back to being YOUR home.
The squatters need to go.
You are not running a flop house.
You helped them for as long as you can and you are (or at least should be) DONE.

If they are taking vacations then they are taking advantage of you.
They are not saving their money for getting their own place - they are saving it for good times.
Don't explain yourself and don't apologize.
Don't send that letter - send an eviction notice.

Simply give them 2-4 weeks notice and by that time they must be gone.
Where they go and how they get there is their problem.
Change the locks and security codes once they are gone.
Look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas and privacy in your own home.

Well, it took over a year before they landed on your doorstep. They burned numerous bridges along the way that had given them help. You are their LAST resource.

Take back your house. Give them a time to be out like no more than 60 days. If needed, get an eviction notice sent to them. Do change the locks on your doors and any other codes that they may have access to so that the security of your home is yours.

the so-called friendship is not. It never was. You were a place to stay and you were a "soft touch" . Any person in their right mind would have done everything in their power to get out on their own and be a family without living in another person's home for such a long time. They become comfortable where they were and do the things they want. Time for them to grow up and pay the consequences. The late rent would have had me put them out a long time ago.

You owe them no explanations as your are the landlord and you can break the "lease" to late payments or such. Check it out with the legal aid or such. But it is time for them to go.

the other S.

There is no resolution in your letter. I guess it's ok if you are just wanting to get your feelings out there and clear the air.

But if they are possibly breaking up, then are you prepared to just house her and her 2 girls at your house for...how long? They have already been there over a year and have saved up enough to go to HI together...isn't that nice???!!!!!!

I would be beyond pissed. But then, I don't share my home well with others. lol I think it was nice of you to offer them to stay with you, but really, you need to put a limit on it. I would add a time frame of them getting out of your house. If you don't want to do that, then I think this will prompt some discussion between the 2 of you which is guess is your goal. Good luck.

As much as you love her, your letter is likely going to pour gasoline on the fire.

I don't like that you aren't seeing her as part of the personally-responsible party. She is part of a couple. She married the guy. She made the decision to go with him, knowing her own financial situation.

You are giving her a really ugly 'out'-- side with me and admit your husband is creepy and that you want to leave him. What happens then?

I'd give them a 30 days or 60 days notice, whatever seems reasonable. They are obviously comfortable taking advantage of your hospitality-- THEY need to figure things out. If she comes to you after that, on her own, different ball game, maybe. But allowing her to throw him under the bus for a bad decision she actively participated in only invites more drama. And do you really want the creepy guy mad at you, living in your home, if he finds out?

Think long and hard about this letter. That is certainly one I would avoid sending. It doesn't provide clarity and will only make that rift between you and your friend worse.

I would be pissed to be in YOUR shoes, not so much at the idea of her going with him on a business trip that she can't afford, as at the assumption that I wold be fine with having the sole responsibility for her kids while she's gone.
And I wouldn't have to write her a letter to let her know.

But that wasn't your question.
Honestly, I wold hope that I was never self-centered enough to do this to someone who was letting me and my krewe live in their house. But if I did, then I would hope that being told so in no uncertain terms would bring me to my senses.

I agree with Victoria in that you can't ask about their finances or their relationship. I would, however, have a talk with her and give her a FIRM date by which they need to leave OR on which all household expenses will be split down the middle and they will be expected to pay their half. There is no reason for you to basically support a family of four, especially when it appears that both of them are back to work. The reason she feels like she can afford to take unpaid time off work is because they are only paying $500 per month for housing costs.

What was the original agreement? I guess I would start there. Or was it open ended, you stay here until you're back on your feet?

I think I would have a face to face conversation with her (take her out somewhere so you're not at home, like for coffee) and just tell her your intent was to help her and her family out because she's your friend and you care about her.

You've done that and are not sure you're actually helping them at this point. They aren't any further ahead and so the plan (that they get back on their feet) doesn't seem to be working.

At this point, you probably feel like an enabler. They are allowed to live at your house, go on this vacation, etc. That's not good for you.

I wouldn't give the letter. I would put it in terms of what works for you and your family. I once had to tell someone who was taking advantage of me the same thing. Wasn't to this extent, but I just said "I'm really sorry, and I wish you the best, but this just isn't working for me or my family. I have to put us first."

IF she can't respect that and does hold a grudge, then screw it. She's not a true friend.

Good luck :)

It would have helped if you had said how late they habitually are with the rent earlier in your post.

Honestly, I would tell them that you have decided that you and your family need to have your privacy back, so they will need to make arrangements to move out at the beginning of January. Tell them that if they are not late anymore with the rent, that you will give them a good referral.

You should stop concerning yourself with them saving for a home. You should stop caring about that. You see quite clearly that they don't know how to save. And they don't really try.

I'd say that at this point you are the giver and they are just takers. The more you are willing to give the more they are willing to sit back and take. Going on a trip that is using money they need to move out of your house is just wrong but they are hoping that you'll be upset and then get over it.

You have to decided what your end game is here. Do you want them to stay knowing that standing on their own two feet seems to be an option to them and not a necessity? Are you willing to let these people leech off your good intentions for as long as they want? If the answer is no then you need to have a meeting where you kindly let them know that at this point they'll need to move out. Give them a month to get it together and here's the hard part DON'T BACK DOWN. If they don't move out start eviction so that you can get them out.

I can't tell you how mad I would be receiving this.

Yes, you have opened your home to her and her family. However, if they are paying you $500 a month and NOT being late? NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS how they spend their money.

They say not to mix money and friendship. Your case is a prime example of that. Please tell me what you want to accomplish with this letter. What is your solution to the problem at hand?

I would not send this letter. I would schedule a time for she and I to go to a coffee shop and talk, without the distractions, and discuss my feelings and what I feel is going on. I wouldn't want to lose the friendship. You will if you give her that letter. If she is paying you $500 a month and it's not late? Not up to you what she does with her money.

I agree with others, you need to give them a time to be gone so you can salvage your friendship. Before you do anything, you need to make sure you know what your plan is, what do you want to accomplish? If it's to tell her you think she's spending her money wrong? That's not going to accomplish anything but animosity.

You need a plan. Get a plan. Figure out what you want to say, what you want to happen and how you feel it can happen and tell her how you feel.

I think you have every right to be outraged.

However, I think your letter is kind of rambling, and on top of the errors in it, I think you spend too much time saying you want to be understanding and you want there to be "clarity". But that's not really what's at stake here. You seem to be taking way too much blame for the walking on eggshells and the air needing to be cleared, and asking her what she's upset about with you. Don't open this up for her to critique you.

I think the point is, you have given her a room and a kitchen and a bathroom, for $500 a month. She has taken a week's vacation for herself, and now she is going to Hawaii on her husband's business trip. He creeps you out but you don't want to say so. And are you caring for her daughters while she is off partying and relaxing?

Take out the sentences about how you don't want to hurt her feelings. Take out the part about being in the dark. Take out the part about how understanding you are trying to be about her excitement over a trip.

I think you need to tell her out straight that you need her to find a place and move out. Say that, since she clearly has money for 2 vacations, and you are cramped in your house with the 3 of them. While you valued her friendship at one time and opened your home to her, it's been one year and they have no savings. Still, they can take vacations. So their priority is to continue to live off you, and it's no longer your priority.

This is not about what another mother thinks about her husband. It's about mooching and about them placing a priority on pleasure vs. their economic stability. If they want to do that, fine, but not on your dime or in your house. Tell her that, if they take the trip, you will be putting their belongings in storage, for which you will pay the first month's fee and you will give them the keys for when they return home. If they don't take the trip, she can take the time while he's away to find affordable housing and pack. She has 30 days to vacate. Change your locks.

You don't have a friendship here - you have a former friend who has decided to mooch off you so she can afford vacations. There's a reason they lost their prior housing - not sure what, perhaps too much partying and vacationing?

If you think the husband is worse than creepy, but is possibly violent, then you need some additional support.

You can write a letter if you want to or if you think you will "cave" by telling her to her face, especially if she gives you a big sob story and plays on your sympathies. But this is absurd. No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

Stop trying to save a friendship that isn't there.

ETA: Just read your "So What Happened" - I think you're missing the point! THe girls can go to their father's permanently, and their mother/stepfather's stuff goes into storage during the Maui trip! Just tell her up front that this is the deal. Stop looking at this as a one-week break for you! Good heavens!

It is not up to you how they spend their money. However, it is up to you to decide who lives in your home. Time to pick an eviction date and stick to it. You have gone over and above and it's time for them to move on. You're a single mom (I think) and you're working it out...time for them to do the same!!

I would simply say, if you can afford this trip, then you can afford to move out. And set a date they will move out. You are obviously a very generous person and don't want to hurt anyone, but they are taking advantage of you! It is time they leave.

what a tough situation.

Here's the thing. As soon as you asked, I knew how I'd feel - and how it's gone when I've written similar letters. It almost never comes across like I want it to and people put their own spin on it and get offended and hurt. It ends badly.

Instead, what I'd encourage you to do (because I know this friendship means something to you and you honestly want to salvage it) - have the courage and the respect for her to sit her down face to face. Read this letter word for word if you have to, but give her that respect. It isn't easy but it is the right thing to do.

FWIW I think they are living waaaaay outside their means. I mean I don't know much, but a job that sends him to Hawaii? That's no minimum wage retail gig. I see zero reason they should be taking advantage of your hospitality this way. They're not doing a whole lot to change things. Which is sad. You have a right to say something, and in my opinion, should. Perhaps it would soften the blow a bit to focus a bit more on the tension it is putting on you, rather than your opinion of their choices. You know? WE are feeling the strain, WE are having a harder time than we thought we would, etc. Just touch base with her and see where she takes it. If she insists they are doing everything they can THEN maybe bring up, well I wasn't sure, since you're planning this trip and all...that makes it seem like maybe it's not a priority. Hope that helps.

I wouldn't bother with giving a letter about the trip, but would give her notice to find another place to live. You can write a nice letter explaining that you are feeling cramped in the house and that it is time they look for something of their own. I am sure her kids don't like not having their own space either.

I am all for helping out friends and family, but you MUST set limits on how long they are staying. I don't think most people plan for it but they just get comfortable and don't realize they are putting you out.

For me, the creepiness of the husband would have been a problem from the start. I also think that just being blunt and to the point is the best way to handle things like this.

If I had the opportunity to go on this trip with a big chunk of it being paid I'd grab it and go. It's a huge deal.

I understand how you feel though. They're looking at the living situation like they are just roommates and stuff now. They probably don't even think in terms of moving out or anything. They just think of your house as home. They pay rent so they live there.

I'd let them know you need a dead line but I think I'd make sure their girl was not going to be moving from couch to couch her senior year. She'll end up changing schools over and over and flunk. Her graduation is important and I'd just keep that in mind when determining what I want to do.

I'd tell them they need to go sign up for low income housing and get on the waiting list then I'd make sure they did it.

If they don't qualify for low income housing then they can afford a small 2 bedroom apartment on their own.

I don't think this is so much about the vacation (which is ridiculous by the way if they're really trying to save up money) as it is about them staying with you. It sounds to me like they will never save enough to leave your home. You're enabling them at this point and while I know it's hard to not enable loved ones (I speak from experience), it's something that you should do for yourself and your family. They seem to have worn out their welcome a long time ago and you have been a great friend. It's time to tell them to move onto their new destination. Let your friend know that you love her but it's been too much of a strain on your own life to have them there for so long.

I would be PISSED if I got this letter from a friend.

I wouldn't give your friend this particular letter. You are doing her a favor by letting your friend and her family stay with you. However, that doesn't give you the right to tell her what to do with her time or money. And it doesn't mean she has to give you updates on where she stands with her husband. It's none of your business. And am I reading it right? That paragraph makes you sound like you're trying to break them up.

If you feel like she's taking advantage of you, then talk to her about it and give her a deadline to move out.

I agree with the others, and I am glad you have already decided not to send the letter. Writing it was a great idea. And vetting it here, getting objective opinions, is enlightening, I'm sure. Now, be sure you destroy the letter, before your friend comes across it somewhere at your house.

If you want to make yourself a list of talking points to keep with you for a sit down conversation, remake an entirely new "list" of them, which pertain solely to the housing situation. The marriage and vacation are not your concern.

But you have been more than generous, and yes, they have become roommates and renters, and no longer feel like they are the beneficiaries of your generosity. They are feeling entitled to be there b/c they pay rent. It's been too long. So decide on a deadline that you can live with (assuming the end game is to have them move out) and tell your friend that you have been as accommodating as you could be so as to help them as much as you could, but now you need your space back and can't continue to help further, beyond good references.

I would give them enough time to spend a weekend or two looking for a place (apartment if need be, or rental house, or whatever... it shouldn't be that difficult to find something if they are both employed... that was the reason they lost the last place, right.. that they lost their jobs?), and a week or two to make arrangements for utilities/deposits to be made, and then tack on a weekend for moving. So, maybe 5 weeks or something.

If it throws a wrench in their trip, it isn't your problem. If the trip falls at the end of the 5 week window, then maybe extend the time one week, so that husband can be present for the actual move if need be. But that's it. The rest is called being an adult, and you can't do that for them.

It might behoove you to seek out a free consult with an attorney who specializes in lease/landlord relationships, just in case they turn on you and decide to create problems. Which is possible, considering it doesn't sound like you have an actual written lease agreement to begin with. Meet with an attorney to cover all the bases, dot all the i's and cross all the t's BEFORE you give her the news that they need to move out. Things will go better if you are armed with clear information about any obligations you may have at this point, and what rights THEY may have.

But end the situation. They need to get moved into their own space. They can be tenants for someone who is actually a landlord, not a friend trying to be nice.
These things rarely work out well, because situations like yours tip the balance of power in the relationship. And that always changes things, and never for the better.

i have read your question and your what can i do next thing... and this is what i suggest, and please punctuate and capitalize, my shift keys don't work, lol
'dear x,
i know that you realize how crowded the house is with you, x and y living here and xxxx sometimes here. when we first invited you to live with us it was not meant to be a long term placement. i was charging you only 500 a month so that you could save money to get your own place. unfortunately here we are 18 months later and it seems as though you are no closer to getting on your feet then you were when you first moved in. i hate to say this but we need to put a date to when you will be moving out. in order to help you be able to move out i am going to increase the rent to 1000 a month, half of this will be put aside for you to use as a down payment for an apartment of your own. this will mean that in 4 months you will have 2000 dollars to use as a down payment on an apartment, and since you will have been in the habit of paying 1000 a month it will not be a hardship for you to have an apartment with a rent close to that. i am setting your move out date as the last day of february. this is really 5 months from now, so that will give you a little extra cushion of moving money. i will expect you to touch base with me no later then the end of january with your list of possible apartments you are considering. if you need help finding some places we can do that together as well.
i understand that this may seem really harsh, and i am sorry that it has come to this but i am not reconsidering or taking any excuses. my family needs our house back, we do not want our relationship with your family to get more strained then it has been. if you would like to sit down and work on a budget, finding an apartment or anything that will help you make the goal of independence i would be more then happy to help you.