What Would You Do? - Granbury,TX

A 50th wedding anniversary party is going to last a a lot longer than a baby shower...so I agree with Ellis...go and set up the Bridal Shower...get things started ( talk to the bride ahead of time and explain to her your predicament) stay the first hour or so of the shower then excuse yourself and race to the 50th Anniversary Party. You can do them both..keep everyone happy and not be too terribly stressed out.
The lesson in this is...communication communication communication...lol.

.

If your friend cannot understand the importance of celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary with your Grandparents-then she has no business getting married. Appoint someone to stand in for you. make a video to be shown at the wedding shower. Have your neighbor deliver the cake-get someone to help with the clean up-no one but you can be at the anniversary party-it's you that cannot be replaced in that situation-and besides-there is always the wedding-where you will be needed the most!

Tell your grandparents you have been scheduled in for this for a year! They have a choice- change the date or you can try to be there late. But you have to keep your commitment-it came first. Your not just attending, you are hosting and that would mess with alot of schedules for you to cancel that. Sorry this is such a mess!

GL!

M

I hope this doesn't count as "negative comments", it is just my opinion and observation. I didn't read all the previous 22 answers so I may be duplicating some, but really? You're the one who's wrong when she knew you were doing this? She should be proud that you want to honor your commitment to be part of your friend's wedding. It's completely unacceptable that she can move the date several times, and expect that no matter the day, you'll be there. She's expecting you to do what she's doing... change your mind to those who are counting on you. She's definitely wrong. I would calmly tell her, "Mom, I'm part of my friend's wedding, and I've planned to be a part for at least a year. I will not change that plan last minute when they are depending on me, and I have committed to be there. I love you Mom and I hope you'll understand." Perhaps you can take your grandparents to dinner on your own to celebrate with them?

Did you tell your mother the date of your shower during earlier discussions about the anniversary party? If so, I'd gently remind her that you'd told her and ask that she change the date for the anniversary party if she wants you to participate. I, too, would feel responsible to follow thru on the shower. Depending on circumstances, I might try to change the shower date. But.......I would be quite irritated with my mother for choosing the same date.

There is 6 weeks until May 15. Seems like one of the parties could be changed to a different date.

You are not choosing friends over family. You are a conscientious person who stands by her word. If your mother wants to make judgments remind her that she knew of the date at one time and you're sorry she'd forgotten it. Suggest that one of you change the date if you might be able to do that. Stay calm and non-judgmental yourself. Leave the room if you have to to keep from having an argument.

I would explain the situation to gramps and grams and tell them that you will be there of course, but will be late. I'm sure they will understand after they find out how many times the date has changed and the date of your event has been the same for months.

Your mother is wrong. You have planned this shower for months and owe it to your friend to be there. This is an important time in her life and doesn't deserve to have it ruined. Family is important, of course, but your mother should plan the party for another day or another time so you don't have a conflict. I'm very surprised your mom is being so uncooperative. I would go to your aunt and uncle and discuss the problem with them. Hopefully, they will be more understanding and be willing to change the time or date of the party. Good luck!

Oh, dear. That is a hard one. Did your family know that you had the shower planned and when? If you were just going to the shower as a guest, I'd say definitely just cut and go to your grandparents party. But since you're so involved, that makes it really difficult. Is there anyway you can delegate those responsibilities so you can go to your grandparents party? Even if you arrive late?

I'd do this in your situation- Talk with your grandparents letting them know of the predicament you've been placed in but really, truly want to support everyone. Ask them if you can come spend the night before with them, maybe even take Grandma out to buy a new fancy dress to wear. If money isn't an object, maybe even spring for a limo to come pick up grandma and g'pa to be able to arrive to their party in style. Let your grandparents know you will be coming, but you'll be there after the bridal shower. There is a way around this, if it's only your mom who is having the issue, tell her she can ride in the limo too, maybe that will help her be more supportive of your situation. Good luck! Let us know what you end up doing!

I agree with you 100%, but only you know if your family is going to give you heck forever about this. I know some families put family first no matter what. It is tacky of them to plan it at the time you had set. Why can't they do it the next day or at a different time? All the anniversary parties I have ever been to include a meal. Who eats at 2pm?
Good luck. You are an awesome friend no matter what you decide.

I would do the bridal shower first; an obligation is an obligation. If your mother knew you had been planning this (I'm not sure if she knew your plan or not) it surprises me she would plan it at the same day and time.

However, I agree with others...explain to your grandparents that you will be late, and tell them why. I'm sure they will understand!

I'm sure it feels like a hard situation because you've obligated yourself to your friend and feel responsible. However, you will never get back the opportunity to participate in your grandparents 50th anniversary. Those kind of celebrations are hard to come by now-a-days. You can re-delegate your tasks to other women helping celebrate your friend's pending nuptials. You cannot re-delegate appearing at your grandparent's celebration. I think it would be horribly rude, disrespectful, distasteful and tacky to ask your grandparent's to reschedule their 50th anniversary celebration. I don't think there's anyway to reach a 'happy' middle ground on this one. You do have to pick one or the other.

Best wishes-

.

I feel for you in this situation, however you mentioned that the "Anniversary" date has changed numerous times...maybe it will again...I mean obviously you can't help the situation by worrying about it, try to relax and do what you committed to do on the Bridal Shower and like a lot of the other mom's said once the Bridal shower is over, head to the Anniversary party...and for the record, your mom putting this guilt trip on you is horrible on saying your choosing between your family & your friend. Remind her that you are NOT choosing because you are the one that committed early on to handle the shower & she did not raise you to go back on your word, nor did YOU make the date for the Anniversary party over & over again! Your grandparents will only remember that you were there period, late or not. Your mom will be mad for a while, but she will get over it! Best of luck and try not to worry too much!

I missed my grandparents 50th anniversary party due to having a fight with my, then boyfriend... one of the biggest regrets of my life. They are family and will never have another 50th anniversay, and in my situation never had another anniversary :-( I would ask your friends for help in setting up the shower, but would make the anniversary party my priority. Explain to your mom, the situation she has put you in, and make her understand that you should never have to choose like that again. She should have been courteous enough to at least scheduled it around the shower time. I can understand why you would be upset, but don't sweat the small things...

I would ask your Grandparents if they could just adjust the time so you could be at both since you are IN CHARGE of the other event. I understand where your gma is coming from, but she is just being silly.

I agree with so many others that, with help, you can do both (ie., KansasMom), and the one who suggested the limo. Most adults will understand your responsibility for hosting the shower, so make sure you keep your communication with your mother, "adult to adult", and refuse to let her ruffle your feathers. There are so many ways that you can honor your grandparents and show them your respect and love, that it doesn't all hang on one party! After all, you are also a product of their marriage, and I'm sure they will be proud of your level-headedness as well as your loving heart. Sorry you're having to go through this!

If I were in your situation, I would try to do both. I don't know if that's logistically feasible for you - are the 2 venues relatively near each other, so you could leave the shower early to attend at least part of the anniversary party? A 50th wedding anniversary party is pretty special - a time for your grandparents to be surrounded by family and friends and reflect on the life they have lived together -- I'm sure it would mean so much to them if you made it a priority to be there. It's so unfortunate that both parties fall on the same day and time, and it doesn't sound like either one can be changed - but these things happen - no use anyone getting all bent out of shape about it - that would just diminish the celebrations and lead to hurt feelings. Just try to do the best you can to make the day special for the people who are important to you!

Stick to your guns: you are responsible for the wedding shower. Family will still love you if you don't attend their party. Is it worth losing a friendship because you backed out of something that was planned months in advance? Do the wedding shower.

First, did your mother know that this person was getting married and what role you were playing in it? Most likely the dates have been set in stone for a while now. Hopefully some patience will help see this through.

I'm with you. I would have to say, oh, this is terrible! That wedding I'm in is having the shower the same day and time! It's been planned since December, and I'm an integral part of the entire process. I really want to be a part of grandma and grandpa's event, but I just can't do it that day. I know the date has been changed a lot, is there any way to change it again? If so, I would be able to help more. If not, I'll have to do something special with them on my own. As far as your grandparents, can you get someone to take lots of pictures for you and then maybe you can create a memory book/scrap book of the event for them? Then you can take them to lunch and present it to them and ask them to tell you all the details and apologize that you weren't there.

I would talk to your grandparents and explain the problem.

I would tell your mom exactly what you told us. Tell her you committed to this date a long time ago and it can't be changed and you're going. I would tell her if she really cared about you being there that they would change the time or date so you can be there, they've already changed it more than once anyway. I hope it works out for you, hugs!