So a friend of mine is in a difficult position right now. I don't know how I would handle it, if, I was her. She came to me for advice and I want to help her. We've been friends for ever 20 yrs, so she is like a sister to me. I am the godmother to her son and if my children had godparents she would def be it.
Here is her situation: She was married for awhile and found out that her husband not only cheated, but with several different women and fathered a few children. She left him and now is just trying to make the co-parenting thing work. This all happened within the last 2-3 yrs. Her son's bday is coming up and when she called her ex to give him a update on the plans he told her he was bringing one of his other children.
She is upset and does not want this. She asked me what she should do. I really don't know what to say. I told her that maybe it was time for them to hold separate celebrations. It was the best I could come up with.
Background info: This man is NOT nice to her. He treats her like she is the one who did something wrong. I personally can't stand him and that's why I thought I'd pick your brain to see how you would handle it. He turned her life upside down and she is really just getting back to where she needs and wants to be. It was more than just an affair, well the fallout from the affair was bad. She was in therapy for about a year. She lost everything, had some health issues, depression etc so it was a lot. During her time in therapy, she did not see her ex and only talked to him when necessary. Myself and her family handled the visitations. Let me tell you, I'm glad I did. The first time I dropped my godson off, what I walked into would have been crushing to her. For whatever reason this man insists on trying to hurt her. She does not know about anything that happened on pick up and drop offs. I felt it best that she not know. He is not consistent with their son. He will see him once then disappear for 2-3 months then see him, you get the idea. Last year on his bday was the first time she saw him, she and her therapist thought she was up for it. Everything went ok. He did say things to her ( not nice) but she just ignored it, walked away or something.
Her goal is just to have a smooth bday party. Her son knows he has another sister and has met her. She does not have a problem with that, she just doesn't want to be a part of it. He would take pictures of his daughter and text them to her! For what purpose? Imo to hurt her, there is no reason why she would want pictures of this child. He does things for this child that he does not do for theirs. The only reason she knows is b/c he tells her. They have a child support order in effect, but he does not pay it. This party is hosted, planned, and paid for by her. Her son is not included in anything on that side, including this little girls parties, so I really think this is an attempt to hurt her. Like I said this is still fresh, not 10 years down the road. I think it's a lot to ask of her.
I am biased, so what are your thoughts? Oh she was calling to update him, as some changes had been made, he told her that she needed to hurry up and make up her mind, cause he has ppl to invite. When she asked who, mainly thinking about the increase in costs, he named a few ppl including this daughter. So I guess had she not had to make changes and call him this would've been a shock on the day of the party.
If any of you have been through this or have tips to help her, I'm open and welcome it. Thanks all!
See this is what I tell her! I am going to let her read this cause maybe if she sees other people say what I tell her, she will get it. Thanks ladies!
Again thanks for all the input.
I know I put fathered a few but only mention one. That's only b/c she is the only one he plans to invite. He had 2 others. It's my understanding that he is not on good terms with the other mothers. I don't know much, if anything, about the others.
WOW! He thinks that he doesn't have to contribute to helping with the cost of the party yet still gets the ability to have a guest list? I don't think so... I would probably let the child come since it is not her fault that the Dad is a douche.... But I would draw the line there.... If he really wants to invite a bunch of folks from his side, then he should either help with the cost of the party or throw his own party...
There is NO way that ex's should have joint birthday parties. He has one with his family and she has one with her family. That's the way it's done.
In this case I would simply uninvite him and tell him that if he wants to do a party she'll have him ready to be picked up that morning.
She should un-invite him. He doesn't pay support, he's not paying for the party, so he shouldn't even be invited let alone adding to the guest list. This is not the time for a sibling get-together. If he wants to do that on his own time, great.
She is letting him control her now as she did in the past. She should cancel the party and tell him so, then schedule another one at a different location so he cannot show up. If he wants to see his child for a birthday party, he can set it up. She doesn't have to explain anything to him at all. She should just say she's not having a big party for all his guests and that's it. She doesn't have to explain it but if he questions her she can say "you've got a lot of nerve" and hang up.
No one can take advantage of you without your permission.
What a horrid, manipulative man. He can't even stop hurting her now that they're apart.
I think you did well to say they should have separate celebrations from now on.
I wondered: Could she consult with her attorney? If she no longer has one after their divorce, she could talk to an experienced family law (not just divorce, but family law and custody) attorney. I don't know if she can somehow stipulate, in their legal agreement, that the ex cannot bring other kids to events; that may not be doable. But surely there is some way that she can work via an attorney on this, or they may need court-ordered mediation.
I wonder if they even have a formal, written custody agreement? If he sees the child and then disappears, he is violating a legal agreement, if there is indeed a court paper that says he has custody X times a month for certain days. I would have her look at taking him to court over his lack of consistency in visitation. She might be able to argue that the fact he is so inconsistent shows he is not interested in parenting their child; she might be able to get his rights over their daughter reduced--?
If they do not have a legal custody agreement but are doing it all on their own verbal agreements -- no way! She needs to get to court immediately if that's the case, but should be ready for this supreme jerk to use the court to get back at her. She needs an excellent attorney, now.
I don't think he texts pictures to hurt the other child, I think he wants them to be siblings. The hardest thing about divorce is separating your feelings so they don't color your child's perception.
Kids will always want more siblings regardless of how they came into the world. If the children don't like each other that is her mom's hurt talking.
I mean look how your friends anger and hurt has colored your perception of the situation? Several different women and fathered a few children? He fathered one child, that isn't a few, ya know?
I hate my ex, I can't stand his behavior and how it hurts our children. The thing I realize, and this isn't easy, is projecting my anger hurts my children more! I love my children, why would I want to hurt them.
Take this party is a place to heal. She doesn't have to like him but for the sake of her son she needs to stop being so openly angry.
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Wow I always answer before I read the other answers and just wow! "DONT BRING YOUR CHILD BY YOUR "LITTLE SOMETHING ON THE SIDE" TO MY CHILDS BIRTHDAY PARTY!!" That is a child!!! That child had no more choice in their life than your friends child did!! Maybe it is because I am in a healthy place but I am shocked and saddened that people are so willing to put adult anger before a child's feelings!
Eventually these children are going to be teens, with cars and freedom and they are both going to raise a big middle finger to all the adults in their lives and meet each other and forge a relationship. I really! don't understand why any parent who claims to love a child would want that outcome.
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Just want to throw out there this guy is a jerk, I think everyone agrees he is a jerk. Still is this actually about him or the kids? I guess I feel like everyone is missing the point, you can't use the fact that he is a jerk to excuse their behavior. In the end the kids are not going to accept dad is a jerk therefore mom was entitled to drag us along for the ride. Nope the kids are going to see dad was a jerk and mom was angry and self centered.
Cancel the original party and host another party at a different time/day - so he doesn't just show up anyways. Birthdays aren't just for the child, but also the parents. It's a celebration of a very important day in her life and well as the child's. It should be a happy stress free situation. The child deserves to have his mother at her best as well, and if she is hurting because of her ex husband's insensitivity, then it won't be as special of an occasion for the child. The dad has a right to celebrate, as well, but he can do that in a separate event at his house.
Probably she is putting her child first, by trying to include his father, but in this case, it's not going to work.
She can't assemble a "normal" family life for her son.
And if this "man" wants to build a relationship with his son, he can do it on his own, through visitation and support, nit by being invited to family functions.
Actually, I'm still scratching my head (based on their history) as to why in the world she would have invited him in the first place!
In this case, it might be too late to "put the horse back into the barn" as far as the invitation, but she should move forward in the future much wiser.
He sounds emotionally dangerous. There are jerks in this world and then there are emotionally toxic people who cause hurt to others in profound ways. I hope your friend keeps up really strong and clear boundaries with this guy. I get the whole co-parent deal and applaud her for doing this. Nonetheless, please advise her to keep her guard up at all times and only deal with him on practical matters. Be civil to him and include him in parenting decisions but keep everything very very very superficial and brief. Whenever she can communicate only via text or email. Boundaries are so key here! I would not respond to anything that is not parenting related.
deary, tell romeo DONT BRING YOUR CHILD BY YOUR "LITTLE SOMETHING ON THE SIDE" TO MY CHILDS BIRTHDAY PARTY!!
i dont care if he is still involved with "miss THANG" or not! that would be like you inviting every former lover OF HIS over to his house to point and laugh at his "short comings"(course, if it were up to me, i would do it just to point and laugh) dont get guilted into it, because romeo just wants you to do this so this all these kids that he has will complete for his attention, tell him to grow up and find someone elses life to toy with, not YOUR childs
K. h.
She should cancel this party. It was a terrible idea to begin with to invite this man. Not sure why she would do this as the kid is likely to suffer the consequences of the friction that will be there. She should be throwing a party for her son with whomever from her family or his friends that he would like there. And then HE should be hosting a party for HIS family. The thing is kids do not NEED a party-esp under these circumstances. Plan something nice for that day to do..she could even take some of his friends to the movies or something depending on how old they are.
Whatever happens this man should NOT be at a party thrown by her. Not only is it going to make her miserable the risk is quite high that something will happen that upsets her son and makes the other guests uncomfortable.
This is a tough situation, really tough.
Since the invite to him has already gone out, I would allow him to invite his dd and no one else. They are siblings and that can not be changed, no point in trying to pretend she doesn't exist. I would also be telling him that from that birthday forward parties will be separate.
One thing your friend is going to have to prepare for, and I know there is still time, but she is going to have to realize that there is going to come a point well they are going to be in situations and events that will require both of them and who ever they both decide to invite. If she can take baby steps now, by the time these bigger events happen she will be much better at handling them.
I would have the party on a different day-prior to the one he has been given-and when he shows up the day of the party-or so he thinks-I would just say- "I don't know what you're talking about." Also- I think he's bluffing-I don't believe he intends on showing up at all and certainly not with another child-he just wants to mess with your friend's mind-and she is not able to stop his demonic behavior. If he does attend the party-why doesn't she have bobbing for apples and when he goes to bob-have a cinder block ready!
I am all for joint/mixed family parties IF the split up was mutual & amicable. In this case, it is clearly not that way, so I do think he needs to pay for & plan his own celebration for their child, separately.
While I do think your friend will need to "man up", accept what's happened & be the bigger person at some point, it doesn't need to be at something that's supposed to be happy, like a kid's party. I don't think your friend should have to host him and any of his friends or family, quite honestly, at this stage in the game. Like someone else said, a sibling meet & greet can happen on his time, his dime.
What is sounds like to me is that your friend is very passive & doesn't love herself enough to stand up to him, despite being split up from him. She doesn't owe him anything, and needs to tell him what's what. He is still controlling her even post-marriage, which is just really sad & unfortunate. Until she changes her reactions to him, she is essentially setting the tone & allowing him to mistreat her, over & over again.
I just wouldnt invite him. Or tell him he is welcome to come.but not invited to bring other guests. Ive heard its actually better for the kids to celebrate separately. Its confusing for them to.see their parents together. Not sure what she can do about it now, but in the future I would nit invite him. He can throw his own party paid for himself and invite all his illegitimate children to that one.
Once my ex and I separated and divorced I never included him in any parties I threw for my kids. Why is she including him?
All I have to say is...wow, sounds like my ex-husband...she's not alone.
Clearly her ex is an abusive, narcissistic, insecure a$$ who preys on women to make himself feel like a "stud." Loser. Why is that these men are the ones who always have a bunch of babies by a bunch of women? Anyhow, your friend should stand up for herself and say, "No, you can not bring your other child or anyone else. They are not invited." That's it. No explanation, no apology - she doesn't owe him one! If he does not like it then she needs to tell him she has paid for the # of people she can afford and he will have to get their son for visitation and celebrate his birthday with his daughter/other family members on his own dime. She is being beyond gracious to invite him in the first place! My wish for her and her son is that this man fades into the background and she finds a loving, mature husband and father for her and her son.
Normally, I am all for this type of co-operation (joint b-day parties) but in this case, I think it is best for her to no longer invite or even talk to 'Dad' about his parties anymore, after this one. She has already invited him so dis-inviting him sounds like it would make things even worse than they already are.
Seeing how the son already knows about his 1/2 sister, I don't see the big deal about letting her come and *ignoring* him with all that she has and NOT letting him get under her skin, which he seems to get off on. Ugh!
But from now on, if I were her it would be no more communication....only the stuff that NEEDS to happen like visitation swapping and pick-up/drop-off information....and that's it! Only the bare minimum and only when *absolutely* crucial...heck I would even go as far as to suggest e-mail communication only instead of phone calls...but that is just me!
~This guy sounds like a total douche and when I was reading your post I was fully prepared for you to say that this was gonna be the first time that her son was to learn of his 1/2 sister, at his b-day party....SO glad that wasn't the case!
I'de invite the little girl and leave him out. Not to hurt him, but to let the siblings just enjoy each other's company. It isn't their fault their father doesn't have his act together. In my experience someone can only hurt you when you let them. Saying that, it isn't easy to get to the place where you don't allow people to hurt you. It takes a lot of work.
If she doesn't feel comfortable having her ex and all his guests then she should just tell him that she doesn't want them there. Tell him he can plan a day with his son to celebrate his birthday. It would be wonderful if everything would go smoothly and both parents could be there but it sounds like one hasn't got his act together.
Honestly I cant believe it's such an issue. My ex cheated for 10+ years (lived a completely seperate life J. didnt have more kids) emmy's last birthday party he brought his new girlfriend and her 2 daughters. They are Emmy's family now too and I have to be at peace with that and encourage a positive relationship, the 2 girls even slept over!!!!!!
I get the hurt, i get the anger. I feel that way too. Behind closed doors I complain to friends, my boyfriend, and family about how he;s taking on these two kids like their own and spending more time with them then Emmy BUT in front of Emmy I am nothing but positive encouraging her to have a relationship with the girls. Heck I J. brought them all waterice and ice cream when I stopped over to give Emmy a hig on her dad's noght last night.
Who is it going to hurt not inviting the child's dad??? the child, he's going to think daddy didnt wat to come to my party!! Also seriously why take it out on the kid?? that kid is a person? i agree with Jo below in her response to the person basically implying the kid that was created in adultery is therefore worthless?? that;s a kid...NOT J. A KID but her kids brother/sister.
It's time to grow up!
yes her ex is a jerk. Yes he cheated...BUT in no way does that make that new child any less important and in no way does that make him any less her dad
you said it yourself he's not THAT involved..well then I wouldnt push him away any futher to make that kid feel abandonned...
thats J. my two cents though
Print the answers out and show her.
You do not do joint parties. You are not characters on the REBA show. This is not healthy for you or your child.
Document every call, visit, no show, text, etc... I predict you will be going to court one day soon.
It's sick what he did and is doing. She should go back to therapy before dating so she doesn't pick another one. She has been hurt too much already.
Well why is she agreeing to have one party only? I would assume it's for the benefit of her child. Right? I can see how the affair hurt her, but she should encourage a relationship between siblings. She has two choices.. 1) Allow the child to come and be a grown-up about this matter. 2) Tell the father he can have his own party so she doesn't have to be involved and the sibling can still be a part of it. We cannot control who hurts us. But until she puts this all behind her (basically, "grows a pair") everything about the situation will continue to affect her.
Hi, Keisha:
It is no longer about you. It is about the child's birthday.
The other thing is: the cost.
Do you have your list of items and cost for your child's birthday
party?
If you do, give it to him and ask him to pay half. That might make you
feel better.
Good luck.
D.
